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Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hey, I wanted to ask for some advice. I’m 15. I’ve been good friends with this guy at my school in my grade for about a year and a half now. I found out he had a crush on me a few months ago before lockdown (just before we hung out a few times, just us, outside of school). He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I told him I was flattered that he felt that way but wanted to take things slow because I don’t have any relationship experience. We stayed in touch through lockdown (messaging), and I’ve just had my first week back at school and first time seeing and talking to him in person for months. I do like him and we get along really well, but I’m not sure if I like him that way. I think I might like to try dating, but I’m doubting myself. I keep second-guessing and over-analysing my feelings. It’s like I expect myself to have this overwhelming, definite feeling of certainty about how I feel, when it’s not like that at all. Is this part of being inexperienced with this kind of thing? What should I do?

Clementine75
Clementine75Posted 13-06-2020 12:14 AM

Comments

 
VT_Rajah12
VT_Rajah12Posted 16-02-2021 08:04 PM

Most parents completely write off high school relationships saying they’re ‘not real’, ‘you’ll never last’ and ‘it’s not like you’re going to get married.’
They act like our relationships when we’re young are somehow invalid, just because we’re not at the point where we want to settle down, buy a house, get married and have kids.
What they don’t realise is that your high school relationships are some of the most important. They happen during a time where everything is up in the air- you’re not sure who you are or what you want your future to be, but it doesn’t really matter.
Because the person you pair up with in high school becomes the one who sticks by you through it all. They know precisely how you’re feeling when you’re stressed about exams or the assignment coming up because they’re going through the exact same thing. They get the things that your parents have long forgotten about- the stress and the pressure that comes with being in high school.
They’re there when you have a fight with your little brother and when you get a bad mark on your exam. They’re the person who sticks by you when you cut off your toxic friends and when you finally walk out of the exam hall for the last time ever. They’re the person who pays you out for being on your Ls but are the first one to pick you up when you need a lift. They’re the person who knows how confused you are about what the heck you’re going to do next year.
Everyone is so busy trying to convince us that young love isn’t real that they forget to tell us what happens when your high school relationship ends.
They don’t tell us that when you leave the comfort of high school, things change and people drift apart. You’ll go down different pathways, or you’ll start to focus on work instead of each other.
And it hurts.
Just because you’re young and don’t have the house and kids and dog doesn’t mean that you won’t spend days crying because you had to say goodbye to your best friend. Their absence from your life will be apparent; after all, you’ve just spent your teenage years together. School meant that you spent hours, days, weeks and months with each other. You never had to worry about seeing them next because you could always trust that you would see them in class.
What they don’t tell you about high school relationships is they’re real. They’re raw and authentic and full of emotion; some that you’ve never experienced before. They’re no less significant just because you’re young or because they have a chance of ending early- if anything they’re more important because they will shape the person you become in the years to come.
Enjoy your relationships while you’re young. Have fun and muck around. Feel every emotion to their fullest, good and bad. Tell people you love them and cry when they say they don’t love you back. Give everything to the people you love when you’re young and ignore people when they say your emotions aren’t valid.

 
Clementine75
Clementine75Posted 12-07-2020 01:08 PM

Hey, I thought I’d give an update on where I am. This boy and I met up at a local park recently, and chatted about where we are relationship wise, and what we’re comfortable with. We eventually agreed to try making it an “offical” thing, and we’ve told our mutual group of friends. But, in the past few days since that date, I’ve found myself flipping between feeling confident and relaxed and sure of what to do, and feeling this awful anxiety and fear. I do like him (but I’m not sure if that’s in a friend way or not) and would like to try things out, but I’m scared of getting into things but then realising too late that I actually think we’re better off as friends, and I won’t end up liking him in the way you do when you’re in a relationship. I start to feel like it’s a bad sign that I feel this way in the first place.

 
 
Clementine75
Clementine75Posted 16-07-2020 05:04 PM

Hey. I've found that the feelings of anxiety and fear have just gotten stronger. But, because I have a more sensitive brain that overanalyses, I keep doubting all my thoughts and feelings. Since he imitated things, I feel like he's emotionally moving a lot faster than me. He sent me a message saying he loves me (whatever that means for him) and I'm not even sure if I have a crush on him. The more I think or talk to people (parents, friends) about it, I feel like I can't do it. But like I said, I'm doubting myself. I'm not sure if we're better off as friends, or if my brain's just freaking out. I feel like I keep saying I'll "try stuff out and see how it is" but I'm not sure if I can keep doing that or if it's been too long. I feel too anxious to do anything, I'm scared of doing something I'll regret. I'm scared of calling it off and then regretting it and realising I do like him that way, but I'm also scared of pushing on and not feeling that way, but by that point calling it off will be a lot more messy and painful than it would be if I did it now.

Anonymous
Not applicable

Clementine75
Super frequent scribe

 
 
 
 
 
Clementine75
Clementine75Posted 21-07-2020 03:10 PM

So (after talking to and working things out with my mum) I met up with this guy a few days ago and told that I felt like emotionally, we were in different places and that it would be better if we could be friends. I reassured him though, that I did genuinely want to be friends. (I didn’t want him to just think I was being nice.) He said he understood, after he’d sent some of those messages that sent me spiralling, he realised that things probably weren’t going to work out. We then just chatted causally for a bit, and it felt fine. It probably went as good as it could have gone. I just started back at school today after a holiday. I’m not really sure what to do in terms of telling people. It wasn’t that long ago we announced it, but we’ve been hanging out - just the two of us, I mean - for a while. I had a friend say to me (when this guy wasn’t around) that she was so happy we were dated, and I got uncomfortable but didn’t day anything. On top of all that is my doubtful, anxious brain that likes to analyse too much. I’m doubting whether or not it was the right choice, but I think it was - I definitely feel better and don’t think that I really want to go back to it. Things are pretty normal between him and I at school, but it feels weird to go back to how things were. We’re pretty close, we were before too, but it’s weird now that the whole “dating thing” has happened. Most of my friends have been girls, so it’s weird having a close one that’s a guy, even more so one that I (albeit briefly) dated.

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 21-07-2020 03:48 PM

Hey @Clementine75, thanks for giving us this update, that's great you were able to work things out after chatting things through with your mum, was she able to give you some good advice?

 

It sounds like you've managed this situation in a really respectful, considerate way which I imagine will help you both to continue the friendship, which it sounds like you really value. It makes sense things might feel a bit weird, how are you feeling about telling people? Do you feel like you need to? I hope you don't feel pressured to disclose anything you don't feel comfortable talking about, your relationships are your business 🙂 

 
 
 
 
 
Clementine75
Clementine75Posted 21-07-2020 03:52 PM

It just feels weird that people think we’re together when we’re not, but I’m not sure what to say.

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 21-07-2020 04:54 PM

Yeah I can imagine that would be a weird feeling, have you spoken with him about it? Maybe you two could come up with a way that you address it by agreeing to tell people the same thing, for example "We've decided we're better as friends." 

 
 
 
 
 
StormySeas17
StormySeas17Posted 23-07-2020 10:17 PM

Hey @Clementine75, I'm glad to hear that you were able to successfully communicate how you were feeling and that you're feeling better now. Good luck with the new school term!

I think some great suggestions have already been made. It's definitely hard to try and explain things to other people, and you are allowed to give as much or as little information as you want. You can just say 'we decided it was best' and if people pry you can just continue saying the same thing until they get the message. I also think it would be nice to have both of you have the same response to people so that you can both keep your privacy. As for the awkwardness, I think as with most things time will help clear the air. Keep trying to have lots positive experiences and things to distract you in your life and soon enough what happened before won't feel as raw and new and uncomfortable. I hope you're doing okay Heart

 
 
 
 
 
squiggly
squigglyPosted 21-07-2020 04:11 PM

I think I know the feeling @Clementine75 , I broke up with someone not too long ago and remained friends, and it felt awkward to still be treated like a couple for the little bit after. It took a bit of courage for me to tell people, which I think just came from giving myself a bit of time to come to terms with that had happened. When it came down to it, I found that if I could just get the word "actually" out at the right moment that was the hardest part done and dusted, and everything else was more natural.

Also I remember when I was in high school the way most people told their friends a relationship had ended was changing their relationship status on facebook, but I've heard that facebook's a bit out of fashion now Smiley Tongue

Like @Hannah-RO said it is your business, so if, when and how you update the people in your life is totally up to you Smiley Happy

 
 
 
 
 
StormySeas17
StormySeas17Posted 19-07-2020 01:09 PM

Hi @Clementine75, it sounds like you've been doing a lot of reflecting on everything. It's nice to hear that you do care for him, and it does make sense that you feel like it is a good relationship but isn't exactly what you want, that's a very common feeling and not always one that is easy to explain. Honestly it sounds like you two are at very different levels with what you are taking this relationship to be and what you both have been able to invest into it from a romantic/emotional level, especially with him jumping into it very quickly and you wanting to sort out your feelings first. To me it almost sounds like the place the relationship is in now just isn't where you would choose to be and that's causing you a lot of heartache. Has he noticed any reservation or issues from you aside from just wanting you to take it slow? Has anyone else noticed either? It sounds like you feel very alone in how you're feeling. 

 
 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 17-07-2020 12:47 PM

Hey there @Clementine75  it sounds like this is a really confusing time, but it's amazing that you are being so considered and thoughtful about this relationship and what it means to you. I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling anxious and fearful around this, what have you been doing to look after yourself in this time?

You're saying that you're wondering now if it is the idea of the relationship that you like more than the actual relationship. It's understandable that that could be the case because as you say things from an outside perspective would seem like you two would be great together, but your feelings aren't quite matching up to that. It's great you're able to listen to your feelings that things aren't quite right, and that things have been fine but not amazing, what do you think it would be like to go back to being friends with him? And what do you think it might be like if you continued dating?

I thought it was cool what @recharging_introvert was saying about maintaining friendships are dating or coming back to it when you're both ready. We can't help the way that we feel and sometimes things just don't turn out how we thought they would, and that's ok! Relationships can be really tricky and complicated, be kind to yourself, you're doing your best Heart

 
 
 
 
 
recharging_introvert
recharging_introvertPosted 16-07-2020 08:42 PM

Hi @Clementine75!

It sounds like you're in a really tough position and that it's weighing heavily on your mind. 

I really like what @Anonymous said - that relationships don't need to be really serious to be worthwhile. If it is the case that your anxiety mainly comes from overthinking things too much then it might be useful to try to take it one day at a time and not put too much pressure on your relationship.
One the other hand though, all your doubts may be signalling to you that a romantic relationship with this person just isn't right for you. Even though you are good friends, get along well, and this person communicates that they are into you romantically, it's okay if you don't reciprocate the romantic feelings. 
And if you call things off now, remember, it's not the be-all and end-all. You may come back together in the future when you are both ready - you may not! It may be a little awkward for a while but I know from personal experience that high-school exes can be great friends again!



 
 
ayrc_1904
ayrc_1904Posted 12-07-2020 10:13 PM

Hey @Clementine75 

 

Thanks for posting and for the update!

Just echoing what others have said, of course, it's ultimately your decision. If I can offer you any stories to help you relate to someone, I had a high school relationship that to be honest, was more friendship than boyfriend/girlfriend. We said we were 'official' but like you, I was anxious/happy/confused all at once during it trying to figure out what was happening. The thing was, we didn't even really go on many dates since we were in year 12 and busy doing our own things. 


What was good about that relationship though, was that it helped me figure out what I needed/wanted from a partner. Sometimes, people are lucky and find their person from the first person they date. I'd say the majority of us though go through relationships, breakups, heartbreak before we learn and recognise what we deserve or what we need from a partner. Right now, I'm extremely happy with my boyfriend and he is everything I've wanted. Of course, no relationship is perfect though and it does take time for you to accept/realise that. 

 

I'm not sure if this is why you're anxious in particular, but for me, I always set high expectations of what a 'relationship' and 'being in love' should be like. Of course, don't lower your standards in terms of the partner you want to find in the future, but I would say that you may come across more difficult times where you and your partner really have to sit down and talk, listen to each other, and better yourselves and each other. It's always hard accepting 'faults' because of course, we don't like to hear we did something wrong or hurt someone you liked/loved etc. but everyone makes mistakes and it's natural to feel a bit lost sometimes. I think someone who you'd like to end up with later should help you strive to become a better version of you and you should do the same in a caring and supportive manner. Anyway hahahah i went on a ramble, but maybe some of what I said and my experience can help ease your mind a little about your new relationship. Heart All the best!

Anonymous
Not applicable

 
Sophia-RO
Sophia-ROPosted 13-06-2020 04:10 PM
Hello @Clementine75, thanks for sharing your story with us, it sounds like you are in a challenging situation! Choosing whether to start a new relationship can be a very big decision, especially when you have not been in a relationship before. I think it is really nice that you have remained good friends with this guy and that you have been chatting throughout lock down. From the sounds of it, you have a pretty good relationship with him. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about what you have been thinking and feeling? You might find it helpful to be open with him about why you aren't sure if you want to start dating ! It may lead to further discussion that could lead you to a more comfortable decision. I will also echo what @lost_Space_Explorer mentioned about this being completely your decision and that you should do what you think is best! It is important that you choose something that you feel comfortable with ! Heart
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 13-06-2020 12:43 PM
Hi @Clementine75, I don't believe we've talked on the forum before, nice to meet you 🙂

Obviously what you should do is up to you! You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything. Do what you think is best, and whatever you choose is the right choice 🙂 Don't feel pressured to rush into anything, as you said it's really important to take these things slow so that you feel safe and happy 🙂 I think it's normal to be over-analysing your feelings, I do this all the time 😄

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