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Feeling like I don't fit

Anyone else just suddenly get the feeling that they don't fit in with or are understood by anyone around them but don't know how to make friends?

Rattata
RattataPosted 27-06-2021 01:31 AM

Comments

 
Akinna
AkinnaPosted 08-07-2021 10:16 PM

Same @Rattata

It's taken me a long time to finally make a few good friends

But i still constantly doubt if they actually like me

I feel like, I've spent the last few years just trying to survive depression, which has meant I didn't have the energy for making friends. but not feeling like i had friends due to isolation and negative thoughts just made depression worse.

i just live in survival mode, so i don't think about doing things people my age do, like just mucking around and laughing.

don't know if any of this resonates with you

all the best, quality over quantity when it comes to friends

 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 14-07-2021 10:32 PM

@Akinna Yeah I had a really rough time when I was younger trying to make friends but in high school I found a really tight-knit group and even though I still had doubts about if they actually liked me they never and we stayed together all the way through.

Even though I lost contact with half of them after high school I've usually been very comfortable with the fact I only have like 3 friends because I'm not comfortable with other people and I always felt like we were close and were all good friends. Lately though I feel like none of them want anything to do with me. All I've wanted since this lockdown started is to have a games night with my friends but so far none of them even have the decency to respond. It's been making it a lot harder when my girlfriend has all these new friends and groups that invite her to play games all the time and I'm not invited but I can't even get what I thought were my closest friends to respond.

But yes I ABSOLUTELY agree with quality over quantity! 🥰

 
 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 15-07-2021 11:35 AM

Hey @Rattata, I'm sorry to hear that your friends haven't been responding to you lately. It can be so tough to organise activities with friends at the best of times, let alone during lockdown when we need as much social contact as we can get. Have you mentioned to your friends that you're feeling a little neglected at the moment? 

 

I'm also sorry to hear that your partner has been doing a lot with her friends that you aren't invited to. Is that difficult for you? 

 
 
 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 18-07-2021 02:33 PM

@Portia_RO Yeah recently someone spontaneously called the group and everyone was there so I mentioned it to them then. I didn't really feel at all listened to for a lot of it and no one noticed I was on mute the whole time I tried saying how I felt. 

I'm good with two of them now because I can tell that they really are making an effort and trying but the other one doesn't show me any respect at all these days.

A little while ago she had made plans with some friends to have a movie night at hers but hadn't made it clear she wanted us to stay over. I didn't really want to stay over but no one else could, so I did because I know what it's like to have your expectations of something you've planned completely trashed. Now she constantly ignores me when I message and just talks about something else she wants to talk about. She also initiated the call because she wanted me to explain something even though I hadn't been there for the conversation beforehand and had not agreed to explain anything, I didn't even know what they were talking about anyway. Basically, it's becoming more and more clear that they don't care about me unless they want attention. They make me feel worthless and disrespected on a constant basis.

 

On the bright side, I've muted the chat. I have for a while now. I actually wouldn't have known about the call if I wasn't already on a call with someone that pointed it out. I would usually feel bad about purposefully ignoring someone and would usually be accused of holding a grudge but this time I know I'm doing it for my own self-respect and self-worth no matter what people tell me. I've also talked to my other two friends about it and I feel like they understand and I'm feeling really supported at the moment. 🥰

 

It is really difficult for me to hear that my partner is doing stuff with her friends that I'm not invited to. I really want and try to be supportive and I feel like I have been able to be, but it's still difficult to do so because I feel so isolated even when we're not in lockdown. I've been reaching out to some people I haven't talked to in a while and its slow because everyone is such a slow responder but I think its been helping me feel a little better.

 
 
 
 
 
Courtney-RO
Courtney-ROPosted 18-07-2021 10:13 PM

Hi @Rattata I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. Im so sorry to hear that you're going through so much right now. I can't imagine how awful it would feel to pour your heart out to these people to then find out that you were on mute the whole time. I'm glad to hear that one of them is making an effort though, that is really nice to hear.

 

It also sounds like you did a great job by muting the chat. I can't imagine that would have been easy for you, but it sounds like you are much better off for doing so. I'm so glad to hear that you feel supported by your friends in this decision! 💜

 

 
 
 
 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 18-07-2021 11:10 PM

Hi @Courtney-RO actually they hadn't muted me, they just read my messages and completely ignored them. I feel like I've grown my self-respect a lot during this lockdown and its been getting quite easy to mute people that I feel are being toxic or don't care about me, even if it's just until my intrusive thoughts calm down. 💜

 
 
 
 
 
Portia_RO
Portia_ROPosted 19-07-2021 02:44 PM

Hey @Rattata , muting that chat sounds like it's been a really positive self-care step for you right now. It can be so easy to put other people's needs over our own so well done for doing what you needed to do to look after yourself!

 

I'm so glad to hear that you feel like your sense of self-respect is developing during lockdown. It's a tough thing to work on at times but it's also a great thing to have in your toolkit when times are tough. Hope you're getting through iso okay, sending you good lockdown vibes 😄

 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 09-07-2021 01:08 PM

Hey @Akinna we haven't virtually met yet but I've just been reading through your thread 🙂 I totally agree! Quality over quantity. 

 

I think you raise a really common experience. When you've been managing depression it takes up so much time that you don't have time for other things. 

 

It's nice to know you've made some friends. When thoughts of doubt come up how do you manage it? It's really hard but it's good that you're opening up about it! 

 
scared01
scared01Posted 08-07-2021 08:41 PM

hey @Rattata

 

im sorry that you feel this way but i can also relate. Everywhere i go and look i really struggle with fitting in and making friends. I can talk to people but usually that doesnt lead to friendships so it can be quite lonley as well. 

 
Anzelmo
AnzelmoPosted 27-06-2021 11:12 AM

Hi @Rattata

Hope you are feeling okay, this type of mood is something I also sometimes experience, and so I've tried to focus on finding happiness by myself. Personally, it's been because of a mix of covid and university work. I haven't had time to maintain some friendships and I sometimes feel distant and that my mates are moving on without me. 

 

In terms of making friends, why do you feel that you won't fit in with your GF's friends, is it a personality difference? 

 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 30-06-2021 03:59 AM

Hi @Anzelmo , I'm starting to feel better. I was experiencing these feelings a lot beforehand but with the lockdown coming in, I felt like the feeling of being distant from everyone intensified. With making friends, well I know my GF from high school and so up until now, all our friends have been people we both know. She's introverted like me but we went to a friend's party about a month ago and she made a bunch of new friends and I didn't find myself at all comfortable being there. Now I feel like I won't fit in with them because when I ask her what they talk about, I don't get any of the stuff they talk about and she seems to have way more fun with them than she does with me. I want to get to know them but I feel really left out.

 
 
 
Anzelmo
AnzelmoPosted 02-07-2021 06:32 PM

Hi @Rattata

Good to hear you are slowly feeling better. COVID and lockdown are definitely making things harder, I've found myself trying to make game nights with people I feel comfortable with and just chatting on zoom so maybe that's something you can consider if you enjoy that kind of thing.

 

In terms of your GF having more fun without you, maybe it's just that she has a different side that she shows her friends, and with you, she is more comfortable to recharge, be safe, be calm, etc. Idk if that makes sense but it's just a different perspective to think about. 

 

Also if you don't mind me asking, what things do they usually talk about, and what are your interest? 

 
 
 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 03-07-2021 01:54 AM

Also, I forgot to answer you about what they talk about that makes me feel left out. Really any pop culture references, or like things from the dark and twisted parts of the internet. Even them talking about uni makes me feel left out because I'm the only one that doesn't go to the same uni or one nearby.

I've never really gotten the humour of people my age. I never really understood quite a lot of stuff that I heard my girlfriend talk about but it was never an issue because when we were at school together I wasn't the only one that was confused. The more time has gone on since leaving high school the more I feel like I don't fit into my own generation and I get called boomer when I say things that are 'on trend' now because everyone thinks it sounds like I'm from an older generation that's trying to 'get down with the kids.'

 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 08-07-2021 10:05 PM

@Rattata wrote:

...everyone thinks it sounds like I'm from an older generation that's trying to 'get down with the kids.'



Damn I feel this @Rattata I'll never 'get down with the kids' 😛 Ughh... This reminds me of being in school and feeling like I didn't fit in with anyone cause I didn't like the things other people liked and didn't get the jokes, etc. It sounds like you haven't found your 'crowd' yet maybe? Whatever that is 😅 But like it's okay not to understand certain jokes or not get certain references, people don't all have to like the same stuff. It makes sense to want to fit in but if it's getting to the point where you're not being true to yourself and feeling so uncomfortable around certain people, it might be that your emotions are trying to tell you something? Everyone is unique, sometimes our 'crowd' isn't like people who have the same interests as us but the same values? And people will connect with each other in different ways and have different relationships depending on how they connect? Like I know we've all heard that rant before 😅 Sorry if it wasn't helpful 😞

 

Sometimes I reckon 'being mature' or 'acting properly' is not as important as honouring who we are and setting boundaries. That being said, it was good you tried to find some joy and were open to hanging out with these new people. That sounds like such an anxiety provoking situation, I would have freaked out 🤣 I guess it could be a bit of a learning opportunity like- okay I don't like hanging around people who talk like that or about those things and that's okay?

 

I'm sorry your friends didn't show up for the game night that really really sucks 😞 Was it cause of covid do you reckon or just they're a bit flakey? 😞

 

Aww I'm sorry your gf doesn't show you that side of her to you anymore 😞 It's weird how our relationships change over time 😞 It's almost like a loss how you described that 💔 😞 This kind of reminded me about how I worry about not appreciating the time I have now with my family because what if something changes and we can't communicate like we used to. Like I guess all we can do is cherish the now because getting caught up in the past or the future can be kinda painful 😞 ?

 

Sorry I replied in a really weird order, the new update has me confused about the order of things lol, and sorry for ranting a lot 😅 I need to keep my replies to people shorter

 
 
 
 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 18-07-2021 02:13 PM

Hi @Lost_Space_Explorer5 Yeah the new update is really confusing. I can never find anything easily. 

I really appreciate everything you said, it makes a lot of sense.

My friends told me they didn't show up because they were working at the time we had planned. I planned it ages in advance so I could move it if they weren't available. They had briefly mentioned having to work on the planned day earlier in the week so when they responded by saying they were free when I checked in the morning I assumed things had changed or the time didn't clash anymore when they agreed.

 
 
 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 02-07-2021 09:32 PM

Hi @Anzelmo

Yeah COVID has certainly made it rougher than usual. I organised a game night for tonight at the start of lockdown. I checked this morning that my only two friends were still on for tonight and they said yes. Then when it came to the time we had planned, they didn't respond for two hours and then told me they couldn't make it so it's safe to say that I'm feeling pretty let down and bad about myself. I don't want to let them ruin my night but I just feel so bad about it, especially since I've been feeling so lonely already and the only thing that's kept me going was looking forward to tonight. I don't really know what to do with myself now that I feel so disappointed.

 

Yeah I understand that she just shows a different side to her friends, but she has this side with everyone we know except me. She used to be that with me and now she never really is so I just feel a little down about it.

 
 
 
 
 
TOM-RO
TOM-ROPosted 02-07-2021 10:16 PM

Hey @Rattata 

 

That is really disappointing that your friends didn't show up tonight, especially after they confirmed they were coming earlier in the day. Fair enough that you are feeling disappointed, I think anyone would be in this situation. It's an awful feeling getting your hopes up and then being let down. Just remember this is no fault of your own and says a lot more about them than it does about you. 

 

It sounds like you are being really mature about this and handling the situation really well by trying not to let it ruin your night 💙 Is there something nice you can do for yourself tonight instead? 

 
 
 
 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 03-07-2021 01:41 AM

Hey @TOM-RO

Yeah I was feeling pretty let down. I've been trying not to think about it but I haven't talked to anyone all week so it's been getting me pretty down. I really tried to be mature but my emotions had other ideas and I'm still pretty upset about it.

Instead, I ended up getting added to a group of people that I didn't know by one of my other friends. I was uncomfortable the whole time and barely said a word. They didn't even say a word to me either and I felt really insecure about just being there in their game. We were playing one of those drawing games and a lot of the stuff they were drawing or discussing was really vulgar and stuff I either didn't understand or was really uncomfortable with but I was too awkward and didn't know how to just leave. It was not an experience I enjoyed and they're not at all the sort of people I'm comfortable with but I'm proud of myself for not quitting and trying to find some joy somewhere.

 
 
 
 
 
Anzelmo
AnzelmoPosted 07-07-2021 03:23 PM

Hi!@Rattata 

 

Just checking in with you. I've caught up on some of your replies and it definitely sucks to have your friends flake out. I've tried to organize an online game night with friends too, and I have yet to have everyone come through or anything really work out. It's really hard. Try your best to now put that on yourself though, because it says more about them as a friend than it does about you as a person. The least they could have done was given you a heads up before time if they were too busy instead of backing out last minute and giving you false hope.

 

In terms of being added to a different group of friends. GOOD JOB. You should be proud of yourself for sticking through even when things got uncomfy. That means you are growing as a person and building up your confidence. Keep putting yourself out there. If no one initially acknowledges you just do your best to create a presence and even after the game maybe just leave a message like "thanks for the invite was fun guys" or something. Small things like that build up and you really don't know what It can bring. At the very least these experiences can build you up as a person.

 

Hope you hang in there! 

 
 
 
 
 
TOM-RO
TOM-ROPosted 03-07-2021 10:13 AM

Hi @Rattata That sounds really horrible. I can imagine how difficult it would be to be around a group that you dont know and that makes you feel uncomfortable. It is completely understandable why you didnt find the experience enjoyable. 

 

In saying that, it is so lovely to see that you've been able to see some positives out of this situation and that you are proud of yourself. It can be so hard to put yourself out there, and even though it didn't work out as well as you had hoped, the fact that you tried is a huge and positive step. We are all cheering for you 💙

 
GioDes
GioDesPosted 27-06-2021 10:40 AM

Hi @Rattata

I completely understand what you mean! It can be so tricky to meet new people and feel like you have to be 'on' all the time! Am I right in understanding that you feel like the person closest to you is talking about things you feel like you can't relate to? If so, I am wondering - could you express how you're feeling to this person?

 

I think I have to agree with what @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and @Anonymous have said, I think this is something every single person feels to a degree but we are only just beginning to create safe spaces to get real about it! I was wondering if you are able to chat with you gf about this at all? She might be able to provide a bit of extra support? 

 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 30-06-2021 04:18 AM

Hi @GioDes

I should probably clarify, the person I'm closest to and my girlfriend are the same person. I honestly don't know why I wrote it like that. 😬

I've tried talking to her about it but I always feel like I'm going to make her feel like I'm invading her privacy. I've tried talking to her so much lately but I feel like the more I push her away because she's not big into emotions and I've been feeling really insecure. 

We did talk a bit tonight though and I'm feeling a little better but I'm still not comfortable with everything that's been going on. 

 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 27-06-2021 01:58 AM

YES I feel like this almost all the time! I wonder if it's like one of those things everyone feels but no one says anything about? 🤔 Did anything trigger this feeling tonight, or is it more a general ongoing thing for you @Rattata?

 
 
Rattata
RattataPosted 27-06-2021 02:05 AM

Maybe it is just one of those feelings. I think it's something that's always ongoing in the back of my head and gets triggered pretty easily. At the moment I'm just feeling pretty lonely I guess and the one person I feel closest to was talking about so many things with other people that I just don't get that it's made me feel really insecure about it. It's a similar feeling to what I've been feeling for probably a week now.

 

Right now I feel like the only people that understand me and I can relate to are people here on RO.

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