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I need to talk to someone
Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been up to giving much support lately - just haven't been having the greatest week and I haven't had much energy. I hope you are all okay
I've been feeling pretty low and I just really wanted to talk to someone about it. I don't know what my next step should be, and suicide is looking more and more like a good option. A lot's going on right now. I still see my counsellor every week but I don't know how to be okay for all the 167 other hours of the week.
I'm going to make a list because lists are good. Idk what kind of help I'm asking for...just need to talk a bit I guess and I know we're trying to move away from short sads posting. Right now
- I have really bad gender dysphoria and it's making me really upset. I feel like I'm constantly being misgendered but I'm too scared to come out.
- Family stuff - being really angry and upset at how much responsibility I've had to take on, plus being upset and anxious about having to live at home.
- Financial anxiety because I don't know if I'm going to be able to pay for any more psychiatrist appointments and textbooks next semester and stuff.
- I'm stressed about an operation my grandma is going to have soon.
- Fatigue and tiredness is really bad - having trouble sleeping and being really tired even when I do sleep.
- I texted an old friend and I really hoped that he was going to reply because I'm just so fucking lonely but he didn't reply to me.
- My old best friend doesn't really seem interested in talking to me anymore and I miss her.
- I hate myself and I'm angry at myself and I am so anxious that I'm lying about all my symptoms and it sucks and I want to hurt myself, really, really severely (only reason I haven't is because I have exams soon and I don't want to be disabled for the practical assessments).
- I'm struggling big time with social interactions - I feel like I have this compulsive need for people to ask if I'm okay and to look after me, it's hard to work in class because I'm concentrating on getting my teacher to notice that I'm not okay. I can't maintain relationships with any of my classmates and it's lonely and it's just such a fucking mess.
- They're taking me off my new meds and putting me back on my old meds because comparatively they worked better and so basically I spent $200+ And several months on psychiatrist appointments to end up on the same only-partially useful medications and I'm pissed off.
- I try to write/draw or something creative with my experiences but I feel completely drained and I can't create anything and also I'm super bored all the time which sucks. I don't even feel interested in watching my fave tv shows and stuff I pretty much just sit and waste time and scroll through tumblr when I'm not working now.
- I'm definitely at risk of an eating disorder and I'm scared but I can't stop doing what I'm doing, I don't think I'm in very much control of it anymore.
- Obviously I can't detail this but uh sexual development stuff (I guess that's what to call it? Idk) is making me really distressed.
- I feel pretty numb from these new meds and will do until I have worked myself off them. It's kind of horrible. I told the psychiatrist that they made me feel numb and he said 'yeah that's how they work.' Wtf kind of medication is that? Like, 'sorry, we can't cure your chronic bronchitis but we can give you some headphones so you don't have to hear yourself coughing.'
- so much anger? Including really violent fantasies about hurting a specific subset of people? I never used to get angry.
- I just want people to treat me as my actual gender and not my birth gender, I want to cry, I can't live as a girl anymore it hurts it hurts it hurts. I want a legal name change and hrt and surgery so badly but I know it will be years if not decades before I am even able to think about those things properly. People keep saying stuff like 'oh it's just us girls today' and 'ladies first' and I feel like. I. Am. Dying. Inside.
I'm really angry and empty basically and I'm sorry that was so long...yeah. I'm sorry 😞
Comments
Hey @DruidChild, thank you for sharing, there's so much going on right now, and I can definitely see how overwhelming and tough and painful this must be for you right now :(.
It seems like this is a particularly tumultuous time for you at the moment, lots of need for big change, and perhaps picking a direction to start out in is kind of overwhelming in and of itself.
Thanks @Ben-RO. Yeah I feel pretty overwhelmed and I don't know where to start, hopefully my counsellor can help a bit because I feel like shit. Right now I'm curled up in bed trying not to cry and pretending to be asleep.
Hey @DruidChild sorry to hear your night is really rough 😞 You mentioned you're pretending to be asleep - why is that?
When do you touch in with the counsellor? Here for a yarn if you need
@Bree-RO I got up and had a shower and a glass of water so I feel like 0.1% better now. I was just pretending to be asleep so my family would leave me alone. Also I didn't want to be conscious anymore but I couldn't actually fall asleep.
I see my counsellor tomorrow. I'm a bit scared that I'm going to end up in hospital if I'm honest with her though. I hate that this is my life now 😞
Hope it helps to see your counsellor today @DruidChild.
Hang in there!
Hey @DruidChild! Hope you got a little sleep and feel a little better. Remember you're changing meds and processing a lot of big things at the moment. I know it feels like its forever or you might be stuck in this loop. From what I am reading you're doing the right things to move through this to a life you're happier with. Keep going! We'll be here to listen and help find ways to get there faster and more peacefully.
Thanks for the support @letitgo @Ben-RO @Bree-RO 🙂 I really appreciate it.
I feel pretty horrible still 😞 A lot more suicidal than I have for a while. I'll be safe tonight but it's pretty overwhelming. I saw my counsellor today and she made me feel a lot safer and calmer and I'm going to see her again on Thursday because it's such a rough time right now. She also brought up the idea of having me admit myself to hospital again though. I'm scared. If it was up to me I'd actually choose to go in for a bit because I think I'd be safer and I think I need some everyday support right now, but I don't want to put my family through another hospital admission.
It feels like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I just want to wake up and realise that my whole life has been a dream 😞 I'm not taking my medication even though I know I should because I just don't fucking care enough.
But I'm trying really hard tonight, I watched a funny tv show and it made me laugh a bit. I haven't done any of my work for my biology tutorial tomorrow but my teacher's nice so I think I'm just going to tell her I've been sick and ask if I can just sit in and listen and try to catch up a bit. And my other class tomorrow is mandatory so I'm going to talk to my teacher and check that I'll be able to get special consideration in case I do end up having to be in hospital.
There's so much pain and I've been carrying it for so long and fuck I just want this to be over.
Hey @DruidChild so stoked to hear from you 🙂 Even though it sounds like a tough time.. I admire that in storm you have hope and you still consider self-care. Sounding pretty exhausting carrying all of this for such a while huh..?
I am unsure if this is any help at all but as someone who was diagnosed once and went through a couple of very dark years I can say that there comes a day where it really becomes immensely manageable, essentially the illness is now outside of me and I grab it by the balls For me counselling was a huge part of the journey, so super well done on keeping that rapport going with your counsellor and booking in an extra session.
It's interesting the concept of admitting yourself to hospital, how you feel as though you'd be okay with it but you're more concerned about the family.. Is there a way you could chat to them about this? Maybe a bit of a plan moving forward to put them at ease? Let me know your thoughts 🙂
Thank you so much @roseisnotaplant and @lokifish. I hope you're both well! I've been in hospital for about three weeks because I tried to kill myself again 😞 I'm doing a lot better right now but I probably won't be around much as I'm trying to stay off the internet as much as possible. Tonight I'm home on overnight leave and I'll probs be discharged Monday or Tuesday. Right now I am just trying to use my wise mind and stay calm.
@DruidChild just wanted to check in with you legend, how are you feeling?
Hi @DruidChild I'm glad you made that post. There was clearly a lot on your mind you needed to let out. I hope it's given you a bit of relief.
Are you going to be safe tonight? What are you doing to look after yourself?
~Lina/RO
Thanks @N1ghtW1ng. I think probably the most time-limited thing on the list is my grandma's surgery. Everything can kind of wait, even though it's a lot to live with. I'm worried about her being under the anaesthetic 😞
@TOM-RO thanks. I'll be safe tonight - I'm just listening to some music and fingers crossed I can go to bed soon. The other day I did kind of practice a suicide method though. Without the intention of *actually* killing myself right then. Idk whether that's good/bad/indifferent.
@DruidChild I'm glad you have something on for tonight.
Thanks for being honest about that. Do you mind if we have a chat privately via email for a bit? 🙂
Thanks @N1ghtW1ng That's a good idea, I should show that list to my counsellor - I see her Tuesday. Hopefully I can go to be doing in the next hour, just waiting till my sister finishes her school work.
@TOM-RO thanks. I'm happy to talk to you over email but I'm really okay for tonight, promise 🙂
Good night 🙂
Is that list something you could share with your counsellor?
How much longer until you can get to bed?
There is a lot that is going on for you right now, and that can be really difficult to deal with. What are some of the biggest things from that list for you right now?