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R U OK? day
I don't know why but I just feel like I really need to ask if anyone feels the same as me about R U OK? day. Like I get its good to check in and ask people if they are okay but for some reason this day just feels so fake and I don't actually even have the words for it to be honest. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable and even more alone and quite angry and frustrated and annoyed and I don't know I just actually REALLY hate it. Like I do know its meant to be a good thing and all that crap but like for some reason seeing it all pop up in my newsfeed or hearing people talk about it and jokingly ask someone if they are okay just makes me so fucking angry and I don't know why because I know checking in is a good thing but idk maybe I just feel like we shouldn't need a day for it and idk it just makes me feel like people are being fake asking the question because they are only doing it for social reasons and stuff like idk. I know some people are genuine about it but the whole thing just makes me really uncomfortable and actually makes me feel even more alone. I don't know if this is just me? Or does anyone else feel the same? I'm really sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm bagging out the day because I get its meant to be a good thing and spark conversation but I guess I just don't feel like it's very genuine because we shouldn't need a day for this shit. We should be looking out for eachother everyday and honestly I feel like people who are really struggling are not exactly going to just open up because some stupid day makes them feel like they have too. Idk. I hope the day means something to others and genuinely does help people but for me I feel like every year it just highlights how alone I am with this and makes everything feel so much worse. Idk. Please tell me someone can relate or am I just super fucked up? 🙃 Sorry.
Comments
@MB95 
No I'm totally with you. Completely sick of RUOK. I don't think that anything good happens during the actual day.
I think it'd be good if instead of being a day where people jokingly ask if someone's depressed on that one day, it raised awareness of how to help people who aren't okay throughout the year, you know?
I think I'm gonna make a damn thread on this. Maybe I'll rope some mods into helping me 😛
It reminds me of the various disability awareness days, which I'm not a fan of as a disabled person. It feels like it's all a play so that abled, or in this case mentally healthy, people can feel good about themselves.
Honestly, what I do on these days is just avoid the news and take care of my not-okay self. The only good thing about days like that is that they're over soon.
@Tiny_leaf I'm hearing you that often people have no idea what to do beyond asking the question 'RUOK?' It can also be hard for the person answering to know what to say - I feel like a lot of the time people just say 'yes' because it's all too hard to go into how they're really feeling.
It can all end up feeling pretty empty if people don't get actual support out of it.
I love your idea of raising awareness of how to help people who aren't okay throughout the year - I think it would make a big difference for people to have concrete, meaningful suggestions of ways to help - that's a great idea for a thread. 💛
No I get it.. It's like, every day we should be focusing on checking in on people. The things I like about ruok day are it feels like we're talking a little bit more about mental health as a community. Like there was a time we had sort of activities and stuff going on at uni a couple years ago and even though things were beyond just asking if I was okay I liked the fact there was some awareness and that they brought therapy dogs in 😆 And I got to talk to someone else about how they weren't really okay either. Anyway I also like that they sort of give you general advice about talking to people who aren't okay but like others have said there's a lot more they could be doing- like teaching us how to talk to people who are struggling a bit more? Idk. But I definitely get the resentment and how it feels fake and stuff idk I feel there's more they could be doing and more information about mental health that could be going around but anyway
Hi @MB95!
I just wanted to say that I share your feelings about this day. I have heard lots of people say they feel the same way too and it can be a difficult day for people with mental health challenges. I personally believe there is too much focus on asking the question and not enough education and training on how to respond if the person says that they are not okay. I also do not think it should be a one-day initiative.
At my workplace, I thought it was an absolute joke. They set up a station with food and drink and acted like it was a party. Not one person asked the question seriously and in the posters that were sent out, there was absolutely no resources or advice about what to do if a person were to say that they were not okay, they just told people to keep asking to make sure that they were 'really' okay. It literally just said to ask, 'How are you really?'
In my opinion, it is a day to make the person who is asking feel better about themselves rather than the person being asked. It seems to have largely been designed without actually consulting with consumers or people who have experienced mental health issues themselves.
I feel like instead of having this day and having the focus be on the question, there should be free active listening and mental health first aid training so that more people know how to support someone who confides in them.
Hey @MB95 as someone who had a bad day yesterday I totally relate! Absolutely, I feel that it's really not deep enough for people who are seriously struggling who need compassion and a genuine desire to listen, not just an 'open' invitation. And that's particularly so in workplaces where the employer would probably discriminate against them for saying anything about their mental health!
It does make me really sad though because I know how it started from the founder's regret of not asking their friend how they were until it was too late. The main way I reason with it is it could help with people who are less open about their mental health struggles and worried about someone to find an excuse to ask someone how they're doing. I guess if it helps one person that's a good thing, but I hope that it won't become redundant because of it's surface-levelness.
Hey @StormySeas17, thanks for sharing your experience. I am sorry to hear that yesterday was a bad one for you too. Please feel welcome to expand on that if you'd like, we are here to listen 💓 I can totally understand why people feel it is superficial or not genuine. I do like what you said about how you reason with R U OK Day. I agree with what you have said and would also add that I have seen some of the focus shifting to what Emily mentioned below about what to do after asking the question! I think that is a really important part that it sometimes overlooked.
@Taylor-RO it was just a bad day. I got rejected for an internship I really wanted because law is incredibly competitive and overcrowded. Then my friend sent something to my group chat about one of my childhood bullies getting published in a psych journal (I also study psych) and it just made me feel really upset because it dug into my wound of feeling very lost and unsuccessful in my life. I ended up reaching out to my friend who sent the message and saying I couldn't stand her sending stuff like that even though she thinks it's entertaining because it hurt me a lot, mainly because it was triggering in the bad timing.
Actually, Beyond Blue on their instagram today made a really great post where it gives a script for ways you can try to catch up with a friend to make sure they're okay. It's here, hopefully the link works! But I thought it was much better way to help people find ways to connect emotionally with people they care about.
That sounds like a really crappy day @StormySeas17 - what bad timing to have your friend share that on the same day as the news about the internship. I'm really sorry that happened. 😢
Was your friend understanding of why that was hurtful?
How are you going today?
I love that post on Beyond Blue - such a nice simple idea for checking in with someone in a tangible/meaningful way. Thanks for sharing it.
@Philippa-RO My friend was understanding and was really good about it. She's a very practical person by nature so tried to tell me about how much recruitment sucks from her experience which was nice though very directive. Though I've decided that I'm just not emotionally invested enough in law to keep knocking on this door 😅 it's just so competitive and overcrowded and my heart isn't in it, particularly when I compare myself with my friends who are absolutely scouring for jobs and can't find anything despite having experience. I'm going through the process of letting go and not berating myself for spending so much time on it to not use it in the near future but it's hard!
Hi @StormySeas17 That is so lovely to hear that your friend was so understanding about it. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to consider letting this go, especially after all the time and effort you have put in. It can be so hard to keep going when your hearts not in it. I am just wondering if there is someone that you could talk to about this?
We are always here for you 💜
@Courtney-RO yeah it's a pretty jarring feeling when you realise that you've fallen behind because of it. I do have a complex when it comes to work and career, I've struggled with what I've wanted to do ever since high school and it's never gotten better which is pretty scary! However it has let me do a bit of introspection now that I look into what I actually am passionate about, and have already started doing research into educational vs clinical psychology. I'm talking to my psych on Wednesday so I'll have to see how I go with these social anxiety feelings though of feeling like I'm being judged for it 😅
Thats so exciting that you that you are feeling drawn to the field of psychology after not knowing what you want to do for so long. Because psychology is so diverse there will be surely some kind of career that you will really enjoy and be good at. It's also completely okay to not know what you want to do yet, you have your whole life to explore this. Let us know how you go talking to your psychologist on Wednesday 💛
@Savannah-RO thanks! I know psych is competitive but I feel a lot more confident in it. My psychologist helped me try to find the causes of why I feel this pressure to know what I want to do. I think it's something that I'll need to work on for a while but it helps to work it out.
Hi @StormySeas17 Thank you for updating us with how your appointment went. Did you find it helpful to talk it through with your Psychologist? It's so lovely to hear that you're feeling more confident in your decision.
I can definitely relate when you say that you have struggled with what you wanted to do since high school. It took me years, before I decided that I wanted to go to Uni but it wasn't until I started placement at a primary school, that I realised what I actually wanted to do.
I hope you will keep us updated with how everything goes, we can't wait to hear more about it 💜
@Courtney-RO thanks! My psychologist is really amazing and has a way to 'call me out' on things that I'm doing that are not helping me. For example, I told her that I was anxious about finding something to do in the holidays that meant I could build my skills towards a masters degree. She then brought up the point that if I'm looking for something that is time-constrained, pays AND is relevant, I'll probably really struggle. So making me prioritise that it's the money and new experience that I want helped a lot.
Yep it's been a long haul and I definitely have forgotten that I'm so much clearer towards it than I was even a year ago. Somehow I always forget that. I'm glad you've been able to find your calling! Did you find it difficult to compare with people around you who maybe had figured it out sooner?
It is lovely to hear that your psychologist has been so helpful @StormySeas17 I love that they have a way to call you out on things that are not helping you, such a great way of thinking about it!
In answer to your question, I actually found it super hard not to compare myself to others. Somedays I feel like I should have figured it out sooner, but then I remember how much I learnt in that time and I feel like it was all worth it. At the end of the day, it really only matters what you think and how happy you are about your choices 💜
I'm not gonna lie @Emily-RO I found that kinda cringy to watch and had to turn it off lol Like I get it, I do. But not everyone is just gonna open up to that question or even answer honestly, especially on a day like that where it seems like that's the only reason someone is asking and I just feel like there's a lot that's gotta go into it but I understand its a process and the day probably does help some people which is good. I'm just not exactly a fan of it and idk I just feel like people are only asking it and making a big thing out of it to make themselves look good and like they are checking in on someone and idk. I know it helps people and quite possibly does save lives so I'll shut up now. I just always feel more alone on days like it for some reason and I'm just relieved to hear I'm not the only one cause I know it's meant to be a good thing but yeah. I just feel weird about it. I do like your 3 tips you gave your loved ones though!! I really think its something they should be teaching in schools from an early age. How to check in on someone, the importance of it and that mental illness is not something people choose to have, nor should others be scared about.
@StormySeas17 I'm sorry it was also a tough day for you 💙 I like what you said about it not being deep enough for those who are seriously struggling. You are so right!!! It is very surface level and doesn't exactly feel genuine. But I actually never realised that's how it started. I kinda feel bad for bagging it out now 🙃 But I do like the way you reason with it. And I agree, although its not a day for all of us, I do see the good in it that is does help some people and that counts for something for sure. I just wish people would learn to ask the question without needing a day for it that's all.
I can totally understand where you are coming from @MB95 . I agree that teaching mental health awareness in schools should become part of the curriculum as it's something that we are all involved with! I also agree that R U OK Day is good as it brings awareness though, so it's a step in a good direction 😄.
I feel exactly the same way, this day causes me more stress and sadness than it does relief honestly. I am sure it has definitely done some good to spark conversations about feelings of anxiousness and depression, but I have found that a lot of mentally ill folk struggle to actually gain anything from it.
I agree that we should be looking out for our mental health and the wellbeing of our loved ones every day, but I guess in our society we still have a lot of stigma and shame surrounding mental health issues and illness. I suppose one good thing about struggling with our mental health is that we are typically very compassionate and in-tune with these feelings ahah 😅
(TRIGGER WARNING)
This year's theme 'Are they really okay', feels even more like a punch in the gut to be honest, because no one really wants to hear my reply "no, I am struggling with thoughts of su*cide". It makes them feel uncomfortable and makes me feel awful for dumping that on them. I am really fortunate that I have some support networks which can help me cope with these thoughts, but I definitely feel like 'R U OK?' day is tokenistic and doesn't really help those of us struggling with more complex and challenging thoughts or mental illnesses.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS @BerdNurd!!! You have just put exactly how i have been feeling about it into words so damn well. Like holey shit!! THANK YOU 💙
You're so not wrong about it feeling like more of a kick in the guts this year. I feel like unless people know how to respond or what to do in situations where someone says no then its really not a question that should be asked. Exactly like you have said, dumping my shit onto others makes me feel absolutely terrible, especially when they have no clue what to do with it. I feel like I am even more of a burden by telling them so I have learnt not to tell people anymore because the few times I have they haven't known what to do and just never asked me again or drifted out of my life completely. And that's fine, its not their fault but like it also does not help us guys who are really struggling with complex issues because asking and then not helping is just as damaging as the fucking illnesses themselves. Idk. Tokenistic is definitely a word for it!! I think that if people are going to ask that question they need to be prepared and know what to do when the answer is no because they could be the first and quite possibly the only or last person they will ever open up to and I just feel like days like today don't appreciate or understand that. Idk. There is just so much more to it than asking R U OK? And I don't think people realise that unless they have experienced their own MH concerns and I personally find that quite scary because the question can ultimately do so much more harm than it can good.
I don't know about you but I also hear people jokingly reply 'nah mate, I'm a bit depressed hey' or 'nah, I think I could have schizophrenia' (when clearly they fucking don't) and like they turn it into a joke and laugh about it and that just makes me so fucking angry and want to punch them in the face so fucking hard!!! Sorry. I just hate days like today so much because people just do not get it. I understand some people try, and I shouldn't generalise this but sadly too many just don't and are not genuine in their questions.
I will stop ranting about it now. I am just so relieved I am not the only one that is left feeling more alone and burdensome on days like today. So thank you so much for sharing, I REALLY appreciate it!! 💙
@MB95 @BerdNurd Thank you both for sharing this! I can definitely relate with feeling frustrated at how tokenistic it can feel. It's so important that people become more sensitive to how people like us can feel about R U OK Day!
For me, something that helped was teaching my loved ones what to do after they ask "R U OK". I think a lot of people think it's okay to just leave it at the question, but it's definitely more than that! I ended up giving them these 3 steps on how to properly ask.
-
Reserve judgement and listen carefully
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Offer to help and encourage help-seeking
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Check in regularly - asking if we're ok shouldn't just be limited to one day!
Something that my friends found helpful was a roleplay video that helped them have a full conversation beyond just the question. What do you both think?