Secretly bi with homophobic parents
Hi, I've been searching for help everywhere online and I'm glad I've found this website. I'm a teenage girl, and all my life I know that I've been attracted to boys, but it's only recently that I have starting to like and have crushes on girls. But only a very, very small attraction towards them. I don't know what my sexuality is, I could be bisexual but I'm definitely much much much more attracted to and willing to have a romantic and sexual relationship with boys rather than with girls. If I found the right girl, though, I'd be very interested in having a romantic / sexual relationship with them.
So, the problem is that my parents, more specifically my Dad, don't accept nor understand anything or anyone who is not a straight cisgendered person. My mother doesn't mind gay people, and but she only thinks you can be either gay or straight, and that something like bisexuality would take her a while to grasp. My Dad is a complete homophobic, wants nothing to do with them and would be angry if same-sex marriage was legalised in my country. My sister is also against gay marriage. No one in my family knows anything about the difference between sex and gender or any sexualities apart from hetero, homo, and bi. They believe in heterosexism, and reckon that a person who is of the female sex at my school, who is gender fluid with masculine pronouns, has big issues and she needs to be told that she's a girl and not a boy.
I'm worried that if I tell them, they'll be really angry, confused, become distant and will treat me differently. I'm not sure how my friends at school will react either.
What do I do? Keep it a secret? Tell them?
Comments
Hi there!
I happen to have a similar problem. About a year ago, I started to develop feelings for both boys and girls, which got me confuse for some time. After meditating and arguing with myself for a whole year, I came to realize that I can't and don't want to change who I am. We don't get to choose who we fall in love with.
I kept this as a secret for a year, but my sister found out. She was supportive, but recommended to not tell my parents or talk about my sexual orientation too often. I already knew I couldn't tell them, but my little sister started to speculate that I wasn't straight so she talked with my father. As a result, he decided to confront me, saying that I am too young to know what I want (I am fourteen years old) and that there is not such a thing as liking both genders.
My only advice id for you to be yourself inspire of the lack of support from your parents. As I said, nobody chooses who they want to love. We all are people so I don't se why not just be yourself if you have the rights.
Thanks for offering your advice and support @Hee_hee, it is much appreciated!
I cant really help you about the part with having homophobic parents and coming out to them as i have yhe same problem and i havent came out and i dont think i ever will, but i can always help you about figuring out your sexuality and help with any questions you have about being bi because im bi.
hey @tessa41, another bi person checking in here!
The decision to come out is a very personal one that is unique to every person's feelings and circumstances. I think there is a lot of pressure in Western media/society to see coming out as something necessary to claim your identity as an LGBT person but I know many LGBT people who also lead happy, fulfilling lives that do not plan on coming out to their family. In my case I am out to my friends but not to my family and I don't really have any plans to come out to them.
It seems like you are in a situation where if you come out it would make your home life quite difficult because of your parents' attitudes. It sucks that we live in a world like this but in this case you have to think of your well-being and safety first. I would really encourage attending some anonymous support groups or LGBT events as a safe space to freely talk about and explore your sexuality first, and it's also a really great way to meet people who have been through similar things! Take some time to feel comfortable in your skin first, and then maybe revisit the idea of coming out later if you feel like that is something that is important to you.
Thank you for sharing this story. I am like you I grew up having sexual attractions to boys, but now during my teenage years I have felt sexual attractions to girls as well, I even had a girlfriend. I am lucky to have parents that are supportive however the rest of my family are huge homophobic and don't want anything to do with anyone in the LGBT+ community. I don't want to hide my bisexuality to my family but I am very worried for the backlash that may follow. So what do I do?
Hey @Birdie_4002, and welcome to ReachOut. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with your sexuality and lack of understanding from your family. This is something that many users on here will be able to relate to. I’m glad that your parents are supportive at least. There is an article about coming out on the main ReachOut website that you might find helpful which I’ll link to here.
As for what to do, I think that you need to do what feels best for you in the current circumstances. Just remember that whatever decision you make will be the right one. ❤️
I’ll just tag a couple of other users who might be able to help as well. 🙂
@tessa41, im in the exact same situation, my dad is really homophobic, and ive recently started having feelings towards girls. i know that i still like boys, but now i think i might be bi. can anyone tell me how i can figure it out, and what to do about my parents?
@tessa41 It sounds like the info in this thread was helpful to you, that's so great 🙂 How have you been in the last while?
@Starlight03 Thanks for sharing with us that you've been experiencing the same things. It's awesome that you've recently started realising this new thing about yourself, that you might be bi. If you're having trouble figuring stuff out, have you had a look at the chart that @stonepixie shared? It's pretty cool and I like it a lot 🙂
We can definitely chat to you more about your situation as well - you can even go ahead and start another thread if you feel like it 🙂
Thanks @DruidChild, its good to know i have people i can talk to about what i'm feeling. yesterday i told a friend of mine who is also Bi, and he was really supportive. he said if i had any questions about how he figured out who he was, and how i could to then i could always talk to him about it. it was really hard to get the words out, i was scared of what he might say, bu he was really supportive and made me feel like less of an outsider.
the only thing that kind of scared me about it was that when i asked him how he told his parents, he still hadnt. he has been open about it in front of his friends for about a year now, but his dad is homophobic, so he hasnt told his parents yet. it worried me that he hadnt found a way to come out to them yet, and i started worrying that i might end up the same.
thinking about it all lately has been making me feel really stressed, espescially seeing as all my friends are really worried about my ex-boyfriend, who is seeming really depressed at the moment, and is having suicidal thoughts. i kniw that it isnt relevant to this topic, but it is adding a huge layer of stress to what I'm feeling, as everyone is turning to me to get answers and make sure he is okay.
Hey @Starlight03 I'm sorry that you're going through all this while also being worried about you ex-boyfriend. If you feel close enough to suggest that he needs to access supports, let him know about external supports like - KHL or Mensline (Let him know if he's hesitant to call, there are online forums, and online counselling available too).
It's blatantly evident that you really care about his wellbeing and how much you want to help him, and I would encourage you to totally be there for him, but I do think it's important that you engage in some self-care and support right now for yourself as well. It's a particularly difficult set of stuff to have to sort through and I think it might help to get some extra support than what you're getting right now. WHat do you think? Have you talked to someone about what's going on - like a counsellor? Also, have you tried LifeLine or Qlife? Qlife is particularly relevant and will help because provide counselling around Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex (LGBTI) issues. You can participate in the online chat too, so it might really help?!
Please keep leaning on RO forthe support you need right now, we are here for you and would love to know how you're doing
thankyou, i haven't tried calling any kind of helpline yet, though it has crossed my mind. i dont feel comfortable calling while my parents are in the house, im not allowed a mobile phone, and when my parents are not home and i contemplate it, i either second guess myself or worry that the person i talk to will judge me. i know i shouldnt feel like that, they are there to offer help that wont judge, but i can't help feeling nervous
@Starlight03 it's totally normal to be feeling like that! How couldn't you, with having to hide a huge part of yourself like that. I totally hear you, and would encourage you to start with baby steps like maybe reading up on what Qlife has to say? Here's helpful links: https://qlife.org.au/. You can also launch a chat, so totally online. But it's here for when you're ready to take that step, if you're not ready, you've already taken lost of leaps recently, so I totally get it, and it's okay if you just want to stay here and chat. We're all here for you. Have you practiced any self-care recently? (Which is just my fancy way of saying have you tried doing something you love to lift your mood a little?) It can really help when there's so much weighing you down.
Thankyou so much for all your help! i haven't had a chance for much self care lately, ive been sick wih a fever, and the only thing ive really been able to do is read or write, which i guess could be counted as self care, it does make me feel better.
@Starlight03 being sick really sucks, i hope you feel better soon! totally, reading and writing can be self-care - i love blogging or writing things down when I'm angry or down so I can see how it might help you find some room to think instead of everyting being jumbled up in your head
Thats exactly right, im glad i can talk to someone who understands
@Starlight03 Congratulations on coming out to your friend! It sounds like that was a big step for you that took a lot of courage, you should be proud of yourself. It's wonderful that your friend was so supportive and made you feel less like an outsider 🙂
But its but it sounds like you're also worried that because he hasn't told his parents yet, it means that you also won't be able to tell your parents, is that right? If it's really important to you that your parents know that you're bi maybe you could start by bringing up the topic of LGBT+ rights (for example marriage equality) and see how they react? That way you could get an idea of what they think without having to tell them yet.
It's important to remember that it's okay if you don't come out to your parents. Your identity is yours and you have the right to decide who it is safe to come out to. You don't have a responsibility to tell anyone if you don't want to or don't feel safe to.
Yeah, I can see why feeling like you have to take care of your ex-boyfriend while he's going through such a tough time would add so much stress to your life 😞 Could this RO article be any help to you - http://au.reachout.com/my-friend-is-suicidal
If you or your ex needs to chat to someone about what's going on you could try Kids Helpline (https://kidshelpline.com.au or call 1800 55 1800). They talk to young people up to 25 (or 24? Something like that) about anything you need to talk about, and they're really friendly, I've used them before.
Yes, thats right. I was already uncertain about whether or no to tell my parents when the time comes, but it did worry me that someone in a similar situation with homophobic parents had not been able to tell them.
thanks for the advice on my friend/ex, It's been putting a lot of pressure on me, and I can't help feeling partly responsible(Even though im not the one who ended it). i have been talking to him a lot lately, and i think he's confided in me more than any of our other friends. i still dont know exactly what's causeing his sudden depression, but i feel like I'm on the way to getting him to open up, either to me or to another friend or teacher. i did find it kind of strange at first, because we haven't talked much since the breakup, but im glad thinking that i must be helping him in some small way, and that he may well be on the way to recovery
Sexuality is fluid, and we have our whole lives to decide and change it up if we desire. And what you do decide if you ever want to, it's such a fraction of your identity that you can decide how much you reveal and how much others will just have to get used to. In the end you are going to be you no matter what anyone thinks!
Proud of you 🙂
not at all @tessa41, in so many ways I feel like I'm in the same boat, so hearing someone with the confidence to state that they are okay with exploring and not being 100% sure is inspiring.
Keep us updated on you! I hope to see you round the forums 🙂
Thankyou for for giving direction when I was lost, I didn't have anyone to talk about these issues and feelings with and now I know there are people I can trust.
Welcome to ReachOut @tessa41! We're glad you have found us too 
I completely agree with what @Craycray17 has said: it is totally up to you whether or not you talk to anyone about your sexuality.
I also wanted to loop @N1ghtW1ng in here because I vaguely recall a really cool graphic about sexual and romantic orientations. Can you help us out?
@tessa41 hey! first of all thankyou so much for sharing your story here and elcome to the forums at RO! i really hope that you find them useful, not to metnion the rest of the sight and some awesome factsheets that we have on this very topic.
it can be tricky having family members who are not open about sexuality, gender, race, religion or ANY of these sorts of things really, despite identifying as one of the above or not. i admire your courage to talk about this curiosity that you are experiencing. it can be super difficult to decide just what sexuality or gender you beleive you identify as, and even if you are 99% certain that you like guys and have these curiosities about girls, that can be really confusing to think about, not even thinking about those who opose this idea.
firstly, as you are new to the forums, ill leave these fact sheets about sexuality and coming out and what to expect. of course everyone is different, but i hope they help a bit!
answering your question about coming out or keeping your sexuality a secret, its totally not for anyone but yourself to decide. i cannot tell you how you should do it just from one post, or from 100 posts, as it is your decision in terms of what you think is right for you. however, if you are not 100% sure about your sexuality, then you have no responsibility or obligation to tell a single person if you dont want to. until you are sure about your sexuality (which may happen in the future or may remain a curiosity) you are cool to keep it as that.
sexuality is a complex thing, so if i have misinterpreted your feelings that you have described, tell me! but in terms of telling or not telling your family, you are the one to decide that one, as you have no obligation to tell them unless you felt you needed to in order to be yourself.
we are totally gunning for you, not only are you strong for sharing, but you sound like an open and accepting person of sexuality and genders which we love here!
keep me posted
