really struggling
hi everyone
im so sorry I haven't been here so much. as much as I want to be im finding it really hard to be anywhere. I feel like im letting everyone down both here and in my offline life, I just seem to keep failing at everything and stuffing everything up.
I feel really alone in this. I don't have friends, no family support and to make things worse no real professional supports. I don't see a psychiatrist as im not on medications, I don't have a psychologist because I cant connect with anyone so just makes how im feeling worse and my gp has decided to leave without even giving me any notice. apparently she told all her other patients except me even though just a few days before she left I had an appointment with her.
I have BPD and one thing that comes with it is that fear of abandonment and that's exactly what it feels like has happened now when she left.
it also put me in a a really hard position since theres only one other female gp at my practice and shes quite mean so ive seen a new male gp that's there temporarily but its for physical health issues. hopefully the urgent tests being run provide some answers at least as Ive been quite unwell. I don't feel comfortable talking to him or anyone else now about my mental health issues and just want to shut down rather then ask for help, I don't deserve the help anyway though so shouldn't complain.
honestly just feels like everything is falling apart here. I feel so emotional and all over the place right now and have no idea what to do.
Hey @scared01,
I'm so sorry to read this 
. The times are challenging enough at the moment with feelings of isolation etc., so I'd imagine that your GP unexpectedly taking leave would certainly and understandably incur some feelings of abandonment. How have you found the male GP (I know it's for diffferent issues)? You mentioned physical health, is it possible that there's some physical things that may be contributing to your low feeling?
I know you feel like shutting down rather than asking for help, so I'm really glad that you managed to convey your feelings here 
. You definitely deserve help and we are all here for you. Would you like to talk about the emotions you're feeling?
she hasn't taken leave unfortunately she has completely left the clinic to another one. if it was leave I think it might've been abit easier because she would be coming back but shes not shes just left and told everyone but me. I only found out when I spoke to reception and asked for an appointment and they said shes left, she left last week (I had an appointment with her at the beginning of last week) didn't she tell you? i said no i didn't.
the gp is ok, he seems alright and thorough. he sent me for 4 different tests and asked to see me on Monday for all the results. im both relieved hes taken it seriously but also worried about what the results might be.
yeah i guess the physical things might be contributing abit, not really feeling the best right now. im usually alright with managing physical things though but im tired and everything else is just making it worse.
i feel like i have to go it alone in this. i have no one offline who i can talk to, i cant make friends or keep them for some unknown reason. my family doesn't support me either. everything i do or try i seem to stuff it up or drag others into a mess even without meaning to.
Hey @scared01
Ah jeez, that's really bad form for your GP not to inform you . Hopefully you can find someone else you can connect with, and feel like you can open up to. Have you ever had a psychologist or mental health worker you found helpful? Have you other online or phone counselling before?
Certainly when I feel bad physically my mood suffers. I may not even be aware of it until someone points it out. It's funny how we can miss the most obvious things sometimes. If we are feeling a bit sick/injured/off, no wonder we're a bit down/irritable?! I hope you feel better physically soon.
You are more than welcome to talk about your emotions or feelings on here. We are really glad to have you back and want to support you if/when you need
yeah its hard when both physically and mentally things are going well. they seem to co-incide with each other.
It really sucks that your GP left and did not tell you. Did you mostly chat to her about your mental health? It is great that your new GP is taking things seriously - it sounds like he is quite on top of it at the moment. Are these tests you are having related to a new pain you have been experiencing? I know in the past you have had surgery and other tests completed. Is this something different? I am sorry things are so hard right now The gp that left, i had her for about 3yrs maybe a little more actually so its not like it was a newly formed bond it took time to get where i was with her. It was physical things and mental as well but i will admit it seemed she was pretty sick of me anyway so the connection was breaking quite rapidly eap when she brushed everything off.
@Taylor-RO
a whole bunch of people my age come past me today while I was working (and have done several times and its literally 2 steps away from where they are going past) and they don't even say hello they just look at me and keep going. I always say hello to them or when they need help I offer/help them but it never goes any further.
what sort of a failure human am I 😞
Oh sorry to hear that you are experiencing new pain @scared01 That must be really frustrating for you. It would have been really scary and quite worrying to go into emergency so many times. I hope that they can find out what is wrong. It also makes sense that you feel a little lost now that your GP has left. It really can be difficult to form connections with healthcare professionals. I hope you can form a good relationship with your new one.
It sucks to hear that you are struggling to make friends. Honestly, it can be challenging to make new friends. I know that you are not alone in that and it can seem a lot easier than it is. It doesn't mean you are a failure - a lot of people have struggled with it at some point in their life. I am wondering if you have tried to chat to them a little more - about their day or how things are going for them? Sometimes making new friends can feel like taking a leap of faith.
ive tried to talk to them about how their day is, how their horses (and other pets) are going, even invited them out for a horse ride or a walk or coffee and none has been reciprocated. its always that sounds good but nothing further and the more im there the less they are around me (ie hurrying to go for a ride or sitting in their car and not getting out till im gone or looking busy with their horse and just saying hi and then turning their backs.
It sounds like you really have tried - what you have suggested sounds really lovely. I am sorry you haven't had any success
Do you think it is possible that it might be something they have going on that might be preventing them from connecting?how come they can connect with everyone else in the paddock and go on big group rides and arrange their outings and things but not with me. not even one of them have invited me out either in a group or privately like just one or 2 of us going to get a coffee. ive made efforts but I don't seem to be very good company or something
Hey @scared01
That really sucks . I know it may not help but a lot of people struggle with friendships, both initiating and maintaining. We can end up thinking we are boring and uninteresting etc. However, sometimes it's just about finding people you connect with. It can definitely take a while for this to happen. Have you tried making friendships online via groups etc? Certainly, during my brief interactions with you I've found you thoughtful, caring, reflective, interesting, and genuine. These are really nice traits to have.
I didn't know you ride horses I love horse riding as it is so much fun and they are such beautiful creatures. What else are you into?
having friends online is ok I mean here can provide that but it doesn't help when its offline and want to go to the movies or have a coffee or something without being on my own or taking my siblings with me. I don't have anyone else. @Ronan-RO
I don't ride much anymore, don't really have the passion for it as much as I use to but yeah they are alright. I like arts and crafts and crochet and baking but that's pretty much it. im not really an interesting person and the things im interested ive tried to join in with groups but haven't worked out.
Hey @scared01,
That's tough . I can relate a wee bit. I moved to Australia from Ireland 10 years ago. I knew no-one here. I joined meetup style groups such as 'board game' 'cinema going' groups etc. The first 4-5 times I went I met no-one I connected with. It wasn't easy to keep going back as I had insecurities (e.g., 'maybe I'm boring!') but I thought 'sod it, what do I have to lose? I may as well practice being social'. I think just being part of the group and not putting pressure on myself to make friends or be interesting, gradually made me more comfortable being in those situations. When I became more comfortable, I was able to converse better as I wasn't so nervous. On the 6th occasion I did meet someone, who I am still friends with today. Thus, it might be worth considering to keep going to those groups? Another potential option is volunteering. Have you tried that before? I think it's a good way to practice as people come to you for help. Apologies if you've tried these multiple times before.
Perhaps most importantly is to be comfortable by yourself first. You mentioned arts/crafts and baking. Those are cool interests I'd love to learn how to knit and bake. I reckon it's quite therapeutic? Do you have any simple baking recipes for cookies or muffins you want to share? 
. By focusing on doing the things we like, we become better versions of ourselves and hopefully well-being improves. When that happens, we become more relaxed and can engage better with others.
I'm not sure if any of this helps, I'm just sharing what helped me. What I know for certain is that you are a valued member in this community and we are here for you. I know it's not the same, but I hope it's something
I can totally relate to having the feeling that how others value me comes from what I can offer them
I think for me part of that came from being a carer at such a young age, giving to others became a huge part of my identity and how I thought others saw my value. It's taken a long time to start seeing myself in a different light. You are such a giving person and not having that returned, even in part, must be so tough. How you are going this week?
Sorry I haven't been around much the past few weeks. I thought the worst was over but turns out it was just the beginning. its been very tough here and right now under a lot of medical investigations because I haven't been well and I also have a mass in my body that needs investigating to rule out cancers.
I am still around so please tag me if you need, I just might take a little longer to respond
hoping you are all ok at the moment though
Hey @scared01, I am sorry to hear about the new scans and testing. Best of luck and please feel welcome to keep us updated if you like It must be especially hard to go through all of that during COVID-19.
Do you mean that you are feeling more sad and isolated due to COVID-19? If so, this period of time has been such a strange adjustment for a lot of us.. even if not much has changed, it can still have a massive impact.
honestly its the not the covid-19, sadly nothing really changed for me. my work is very much on my own and I don't have any friends or family to see and the ones I do see are the ones I always see and babysit cause they are essential workers so nothing really changed for me.
I just feel very alone in general and just overcome with sadness but I don't really know why.
Hey @scared01 , all of the medical testing sounds pretty stressful and tiring, and sitting with that sort of uncertainty can definitely take its toll, do you think that might be contributing to the sadness that you're feeling? I know for me when I've had medical issues come up, initially there's a bit of an adrenalin spike as you go into coping/action mode, but it can definitely all catch up with you later on.
Are you able to do something nice for yourself between now and Friday?
