what if
What if making the appointment with the GP is too scary?
What if I get there and chicken out, and can't even hand them the piece of paper where I've written things down as a backup?
What if I can't even get the words on paper to make the backup note?
What if they say it's not 'bad enough'?
What if I really am making a big deal out of nothing?
What if I get past all those other "what if's" and it all that goes fine, and then I have to make more appointments and deal with more people and more trying to explain feelings I can't even make sense of?
I don't think I can do it. It seems so stupid and useless saying that, but it's true. There's too many steps and the end result might not even get me anywhere different. I just can't even if I want to.
Comments
@Bay82VU it's great to see you opening yourself up to the options you have!! Good luck and keep us posted on how everything goes 🙂
@Bay82VU You mentioned before that you were having trouble even booking an appointment, and now you've taken the plunge and booked one!! I'm saying this because it was such a huge barrier to overcome, and you should definitely be proud of yourself for it!
And it's definitely not a stupid idea! I think part of you knows what is best for your wellbeing, and it was that which influenced you and gave you the strength to go ahead and book an appointment. Just knowing to book the appointment shows that you have the wisdom to give yourself what you need.
Thanks @safari93 but it's really not something I can be proud of myself about...
The outcome of the appointment sucked ass. I got referred to some psychologist who doesn’t even have a website so I can’t find out any info like what she has experience with, what method/s she uses, what her fees are, what her hours are (which is particularly important given that I’ve got to try and get there with limited public transport hours)… And she’s a she, which I’m usually less comfortable talking to in general. Of course, not even slightly able to mention any of that to the doc since it was totally outside of what I’d planned to say.
Way to fuck up there.
Looks like tonight = sitting here sad/angry, no food, in the dark
This is just gonna be my life forever so why even bother turning on a light switch or getting dinner or fucking anything
Hell yeah @Bay82VU - not only did you make the appointment but you followed through and turned up. This is a huge accomplishment, especially considering where your head was at just days ago, so you should be really proud of yourself. Like, light switches and dinner proud of yourself! Don't underestimate how much courage that took. Ok so you didn't get to say exactly what you had planned or get the kind of referral you want BUT you did it. Here's a not-too-crazy idea, you can treat it as a practice run if you want. You've done it once, make another appointment and go see a different doc. It's covered by Medicare anyway and this time you can ask for a referral to a psychologist you want to see. That way you can research beforehand and just pass a printout to the doc and ask if they'll refer you to anyone on that list. This tool from Beyond Blue can help you look for professionals in your area. There is light at the end of that tunnel and you've started walking towards it, don't stop now!
Thanks @ElleBelle I did end up turning on a light after awhile lol
I might try and call this psychologist to find out info and see if there's a possibility of it being possible/worthwhile... Particularly since I don't want to have wasted my Dr's time without even trying to do what he suggested. Still thinking that nothing's gonna help, but that's more than a bit silly when I haven't even given the options a shot... 
You are moving in the right direction, @Bay82VU. You're learning from your experiences, and then changing your plan so you get what you need next time. Well done, and keep it up. 
blithe
Thanks guys.
I don't want to write down what to say, as I have already thought through it like a hundred times. If I write it down, I'll read it word for word and might sound like a robot (done that before for something else). I have a couple of dot points and that'd be enough.
There is absolutely no one that I would feel even slightly comfortable asking to help me with booking the appointment.
I think I should just accept that I can deal with this without gp stuff etc. I'm just a freak but the rest shouldn't be a big deal.
You're not a freak @Bay82VU but I don't think you should discount the benefit of getting professional help. It's completely up to you whether or not you choose to go it alone but having someone to talk to is important. If you don't have friends or family you feel comfortable talking to about your state of mind, a professional support network is a good backup. In my experience, once you get past that initial hurdle the situation becomes much less intimidating.
Did you ever start on that graph of your moods?
Yeah I got through 6 days of doing the graph, but since I was only doing it on paper it doesn't have much info. I should've found a good database app to use on my phone.
But I dunno. If I'm stopping the "self harm" before I cause any actual damage to myself, and sometimes doing that even when I'm feeling ok, maybe it doesn't count as self harm... And if I'm feeling ok a lot of the time, then maybe the 'not ok' times are just my imagination and don't count either.
Hi @Bay82VU :), sounds like you're grappling with a lot of anxiety about seeing a GP. It's perfectly understandable - there are so many steps to get through before even seeing a doctor, and just talking to them can be anxiety-inducing.
It reminds me of the first time I went to see a gynecologist - I thought I would be able to hack it on my own, but on the day I woke up with my heart pounding. I'd never been before and had no idea what to expect. I actually ended up calling a friend and begging her to accompany me, and it turned out to be a great decision! She had been several times before, and she walked me through the entire thing, explaining what was going to happen and reassuring me that it would all be fine. Do you have anyone who you think could accompany you through the process of seeing a GP? Even if they're on the phone, having a comforting voice can go really far.
You also mentioned that you can't bring yourself to book an appointment - have you tried mentally rehearsing for it? Just imagine yourself making a call, booking the appointment, going in to see the GP, etc. You could even rehearse it out loud or with a supportive friend.
Let us know how everything goes. All the best!!
@safari93 's idea of rehearsing is a pretty cool one @Bay82VU , have you tried that before?
When I have to make a phone call and I'm nervous about it I like to write down what I'm going to say so I make sure I don't forget anything and so I don't have a mental blank in the middle of the conversation. Or in the past when I've been particularly nervous I've asked my mum to make the appointment for me. Would it perhaps help if you had someone make the appointment on your behalf? They could even accompany you like Safari suggested.
@Bay82VU you won't know if you don't try. If you aim at nothing you hit it everytime!
By the way, what if all of these things do happen? You are a strong person and you will survive and continue on buddy. Life has very few guarantees and you just have to give it a crack. Rather than shaping your thoughts as avoiding risks, try seeing these events as opportunities.
I remember the first time i asked out a girl in year 8, i was so nervous and kept thinking 'what if she says no? what if she says yes and i make a fool of myself?' I decided that if these 'what ifs' did happen i'd be back at square one and could handle what came my way. Regardless, she said yes and i DID procede to make a fool of myself as year 8's have a great ability of doing... Shaking in my boots! Armpit sweat, the works.. points is, have a crack!
What if it's all worth it to get the support you deserve?
Taking that first step towards professional help is undeniably intimidating, but it's also rewarding. If you're worried about what to expect in any part of the process, you have loads of people here on Reach Out who can share their experiences with you, not to mention all the fact sheets on the main site - like these.
I noticed you tried out the Turning Negatives Into Positives thread once. It can really help to look for those silver linings and reframe negative self-talk into something more constructive. Keen to give it another crack?
What if making the appointment with the GP is too scary?
- Then we will be here to support you through it
- Or you could start with the health directory to get some more info so you are more familiar with what might be said at the doctors and its less scary
What if I get there and chicken out, and can't even hand them the piece of paper where I've written things down as a backup?
- Then you can try again the next day
- And we will still be here to support you through it
What if I can't even get the words on paper to make the backup note?
- The only way you will know is by trying
What if they say it's not 'bad enough'?
- Then you can get a second opinion
What if I really am making a big deal out of nothing?
- Then you will be glad to have seen someone to have sorted it out and at least get it off your mind. It's better to be safe than sorry.
What if I get past all those other "what if's" and it all that goes fine, and then I have to make more appointments and deal with more people and more trying to explain feelings I can't even make sense of?
- Then you will be on your way to feeling better and getting through this
- And... we will still be here to support you
You are so strong and you are such an amazing part of the forums. We will be here to support you through whatever is going on 
Oh @Bay82VU I have heaps to say, just thought I should comment first to let you know I get it! I truly do mate, all those questions ran through my mind when I started going to headspace and still do (but no where near as much). Did you try eheadspace that I suggested to you?
@j95 Thanks, it helps to know I'm not the only one who's been stuck with trying to think past these questions, and that you got past them to get help from headspace. I tried eheadspace a couple of times but it seems like it's too slow paced during the actual chat so nothing gets covered and I dunno if they can help.
Thanks for the support @lanejane . I tried writing stuff down after clearing my head with a soccer game and ended up with too much lol... So I'll just have to summarise it when I'm ready to read back over it.
@ElleBelle and @tsnyder - Thanks, I know you guys are right. I guess if I take it step by step then there's fewer arguments against each step in isolation.
Why don't you try making a plan? For example:
On friday I will call the doctor to make an appointment. If it is too hard for me and I am unable to make an appointment I will try again on Monday.
If I get to the appointment and I feel overhwelmed I will take a seat and practice breathing techniques
If I get into the doctors office and I am finding it hard to talk about what's going on I will hand over my note that explains it (even if it is a little too detailed it will help the doctor to understand)
If the advice I get from the doctor is not what I am looking for, I will book another appointment before I leave with another doctor because I am committed to finding a way to feel better
@lanejane I get that it should totally be that simple to plan it out and do it, but it's just not
Hey @Bay82VU , I know you're worried about there being so many steps but sometimes having a lot of different steps and stages can actually be really great. Whenever I'm faced with something tough and I'm finding it really hard to tackle I like to break it down into small steps so I can be like "Okay, I've managed to accomplish this today, I can take some time to chill out, relax, gather my thoughts and center myself before I take the next step tomorow."
But, I also wanted to add that I think you're really underestimating yourself here! You've already taking the first step! Posting on Reach Out about your worries! And you even have made a kind of a plan without realising it - you're really considering going to the doctors and you've even thought about writing things down to take with you! I think that's a really great start to a plan, and I think writing things down is an amazing thing to think of! A lot of people would not have thought of that and I think it shows how thoughtful you actually are about planing.
I dunno, breaking one big step into multiple smaller ones is different to having lots of steps to begin with.
I don't think I can do it. I know exactly what I need to do, but can't bring myself to do it.
I'm afraid of talking to people on the phone, afraid of dealing with receptionists in person, then I'm supposed to try and talk to the doctor, and maybe I'll have to do all that all over again as if that wasn't bad enough... It's fucking stupid as all hell. I know there wouldn't be any problem if I booked and I'd get it done just fine but I can't fucking call. I spent hours trying to convince myself to just do it but it just made it harder. I suck so fucking much. I even had to pause halfway through the the GP video because it was too awkward to even watch in one go.
