Asexual/Aromantic Community
Hi everyone,
I thought we could have a space for members of our community to chat and connect with each other. I have seen a few of us around on the forums and I would love to get to know other people like me.
I have been asexual and aromantic for as long as I can remember. It is a bit hard for me to talk about as it is partially tied in with my trauma and difficult experiences I've had over the years. There is not a lot of representation regarding asexuality and many people have misconceptions about it. We are also often the targets of abuse or mistreatment. People have told me that they think it's weird that I've never had a crush on anyone, that I just haven't found the right person, that I won't know how to show affection to anyone when I get into a relationship and need to be taught this, that I am cold-hearted and incapable of love, and that other people need to get me a man or woman. My favourite being: How can anyone be asexual? I think that many people have just assumed that I will grow out of my sexuality. But it has never changed.
And then there are the awkward comments and discussions that exclude me. I'm tired of being asked if I have a partner or why I don't have a partner, and I'm even more tired of feeling as though I can't be true to myself. I usually just say no because I'm worried about what people will say if I shared my identity. It's hard to explain to people. But I really want to share this part of myself and making this thread is a start.
I love my sexuality and don't feel as though it's a choice. I was a bit nervous about making this thread given what I've been through in the past. But I hope this space makes other people feel less alone and provides some reassurance that asexuality is a valid identity.
Dating as aro/ace
Hi all, I'm very new to dating but have been wanting to explore a little in that field as I have no clue what to expect in terms of dating itself and also in terms of my sexuality and what that experience is like. I find it all very confusing as I've never been one to develop real crushes or anything of the sort, and so when I'm dating I don't really know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I don't really find anyone attractive and when I do go out on dates I don't feel anything towards the other person, no matter how nice or perfect they are. I'm just wondering in anyone else's experience, do you ever develop feelings of attraction towards people you date? Is it something that develops over time the more u get to know someone or is it more something that you feel when u find the right person? Like is it something you can tell instantly that u like someone or does it have to have time to develop? Am I ever going to feel that romantic connection towards another person or is that just what being aro/ace is, and I just have to accept that I may never find that? I don't know, I'm still new to it so I'm still figuring everything out. I just feel so empty like I feel nothing towards the people I'm supposed to be liking 😞
Thanks for reading, I know that was a bit of a long one
Hey @WheresMySquishy
Well speaking as a person who had small crushes prior to being aro/ace and then not having crushes, I completely understand what you are going through!
It's ok to not have a crush or someone that you like romantically when you are aro/ace or not, it just means you need to take a longer time to find the person you like in that way.
It's also ok to not understand on what to expect when dating as aro/ace, especially when you are still new and trying to gain understanding and experience.
An example is when at times when thinking whether you either like the person platonically or have a crush on the person. Most of the time you would naturally know, so just take your time.
Relationships can be confusing definitely, and it is possible you don't feel romantic attraction to others, if you like the idea of being in a relationship I've heard of platonic relationships that are kind of like dating but no attraction involved. I'm sure that you'll work out your needs and preferences with time, just remember if you don't feel that kind of attraction that doesn't mean you can't have worthwhile relationships with others, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to understand your own experience with different forms of attraction.
Hi @Daffodil_Moose !
Thank you for being so open about your experiences of dating as a person who identifies as aro/ ace. It can hard to open up about something as personal as sexuality.
I hear that right now you're figuring out how feelings of attraction develop and that's natural! Navigating romantic relationships can be lifelong and given that sexuality is on a spectrum, it may not always be a clear path.
You've also mentioned that you're still new to it and I think it's ok to take your time in exploring romantic relationships. If you'd like more information, here's a great article on asexuality. QLife is also a great service that can provide you with LGBTIQ+ support.
We're here for you!
Can I ask just as a fun icebreaker how many ace spec people here are garlic bread fans because I completely fall under the stereotype and am obsessed with the stuff?
🙋Same here too!! Loving garlic bread is the good stereotype for ace spec people lol
I especially love making garlic bread from scratch and the smell of it while it bakes is heavely!!
Hi everyone,
It's great to see the community running here! I find this an interesting topic to discuss about.
Personally, I'm still discovering my own sexuality, but in recent years, especially during my experience of dating people, I've come to believe that I belong on the asexual spectrum. To be exact, I am probably a combination of gray-sexual and demi-sexual, but I'm not very certain. I do have some sex drive; however, it is not really towards others. I have also never had a dream about actual sex, and even when I am in a relationship, I don't think of having sex with them, but I more of enjoy hugs and think of more "romantic" things. In other words, I think I have a lack of sexual intent towards people I'm with, but I can still enjoy non-penetrative sexual acts. Most importantly, however, I need to feel an emotional connection first before having any sexual interest/receptiveness at all....(so sounds like demisexual too)
I really hope I haven't gone into too explicit details. I just find it interesting when and wonder if I have the right terms and understanding of myself? I'm also curious to see if anyone has similar experiences where they are somewhere in the middle perhaps of the spectrum.
Hey @Greenfern and welcome to our online community! We are so glad to have you join us 😊
Discovering our sexuality and how we identify can be a really difficult and stressful time and whilst labels can be helpful, it can be really hard when we dont necessarily feel like we fit into any particular label, or on the other hand, we fit into multiple. But I think its really important to remember that we are all unique individuals on our own journey and that is something to be proud of in itself.
If you are interested at all, we recently started a thread for Ace Awareness week, that shared a number of great resources and articles and I wonder if they might be able to help in any way.
I am also mindful of just how stressful this can be and want to remind you that you're not alone. If you ever want to talk to anyone about this, a support service like QLife or KidsHelpline are there to support you through any difficult moments.
We're all here for you 💜
I'm sort of confused is there still a place where aroacespec people can hang on here or has it disappeared?
Hi @Kayara - I imagine the thread is still a place for you to hang, but just hasn't had any visitors for a while! Feel free to share here if you like, I'm sure there'd be others who would be glad for this space to become active again!
Happy Ace Awareness Week everyone!
I've popped up a thread here to celebrate you all, and provide some more info and links about being ace. Feel free to check it out and/or leave a comment 😊
Hey everyone, I'm very new to this so hi. I'm 17 and began questioning my sexuality around a year ago. I found that I identify as being asexual, but I'm having trouble figuring out who I'm romantically attracted to, whether or not I'm attracted to men or men and women. I suspect I might be biromantic, but it's very difficult to tell whether it's just aesthetic attraction or not. I like the idea of being in a relationship but I've always been weird around having crushes and flirting, etc. Any advice would be much appreciated and I'm interested to hear about everyone's experiences in figuring out their sexuality and attraction, anything would help. 🙂
Hi @Daffodil_Moose for me it took a lot longer to figure out my romantic orientation i keept trying to find what romantic attraction felt like and trying to identify it but lol that was probably because it turns out i dont experience romantic attraction at all which is part of how i came to the conclusion i was aromantic as well. then one day i stumbled on the term oriented aroace and that made a lot more sense and kind of completed the picture for me so for me i fully identify as a lesbian oriented aroace which just means that i feel other non sexual and non romantic forms of attraction towards women. for me that means platonic and aesthetic attraction. it can be so hard to figure all this stuff out and it really took me a long time but i would encourage you to keep digging and exploring and i think one day if you find the right lable you will just kind of know if fits or that was how it felt for me anyway.
Thanks for sharing! I just wanted to say that you aren't alone and figuring out your sexuality and romantic attraction can be really challenging. Personally, my approach has been to not label myself because I am not really sure and I feel like I would do a better job at explaining it rather than using a label. It is okay to be unsure and you don't have to perfectly fit within a label. You are allowed to change your mind. When it comes to considering others, it is always best to be open, if you feel safe doing so. If you want to get to the bottom of it, you could try to imagine yourself in a romantic relationship depicted in a book or film which might give you a better idea, although it might not be the same.
Feel welcome to keep us updated 
Oh a thread after my own heart! I've identified as ace since I saw the word when I was in year 10. It really sucks that people don't get it- I feel like my family and partner don't. But sometimes I see the nonsense people with sexual attraction get into with their feelings and go thank goodness I don't have to deal with that 😂
Hey @StormySeas17, thank you for sharing. I imagine that your family and partner not understanding your asexuality would be really difficult. If you don't mind sharing, is there any particular way that you cope with that? I am glad that you can see the funny side of things though 😅
Hi @Taylor-RO the answer is I’ve decided that it’s not their concern how I feel and I don’t need to prove my identity to anyone! It’s been basically ignored or misunderstood by so many people that I kind of just know that I’ll let my own feelings guide my behaviours and as long as I’m happy and feel like I have integrity to myself it’s all good. I have had a couple instances where I’ve drawn the line when someone is talking about something too sexual (there’s a level where it makes me really uncomfortable even though it’s probably a fun area of conversation for others) and as always setting boundaries helps. I’ll be honest the amount of hate asexuals get for no good reason even in LGBTQIA++ spheres makes my blood boil. But other asexuals get it and I’ve found the places and institutions that matter get it and that makes me feel a lot better 😁
Hey @StormySeas17
This gif is me responding to you saying you don't need to prove your identity to anyone
SO DAMN TRUE. And such a valuable lesson to learn ❤️ And good on you as well for setting boundaries in your friendships, its not easy to do that but it pays off to have the tough conversations.
It makes me really sad the way the LGBTQIA+ community can be so discriminatory. I find it so disappointing that for some people there seems to be only a select few correct ways to be in the community - makes my blood boil too!
It's awesome you've been able to connect with other asexuals 🥰 Thank you so much for sharing so much awesomeness to the awesomeness that is this thread 💜🖤💜🖤
My new psychologist asked me if I was asexual in my first session given I disclosed that I'm unsure if I want to be in a romantic relationship in the future
My point is, I'm just not sure if I am or not. I've had a read on such matters online, but that has made things confusing
@WheresMySquishy Hey! I also consider myself asexual. There really are a lot of misconceptions about it, a particularly harmful one being that asexuality isn't part of the LGBT+ community, but I believe the representation is slowly becoming more visible.
I also consider myself queer in that I am a wlw and many people seem to think that these two things can't go hand in hand. It's very annoying when people make assumptions like that, particularly because I am still trying to understand my own identities, particularly asexuality (sometimes I feel more asexual and sometimes I feel more demisexual).
I personally don't like putting a label on anything because it's restrictive and personal to me so I try to keep labels just for me to try understanding how I feel in that moment so it's difficult when you start opening up and people expect a label or to answer all their intrusive questions.
I wish more people understood that we don't owe them a label and to not make assumptions about our identity if we do give them a label.
More people just need to understand asexuality better as a whole and not make ignorant comments about someone identity(s).
Label or not. You are valid. Your identity is valid. No one else can tell you how you feel.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
