cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 
Main content skiplink
Join an event. Happening today.

Another update from me - feeling stuck + venting

Hi!

It's been a minute since I've been active on here, I feel really bad for that. I want to try and get on here more, and support this wonderful community! Heart

Just thought I'd make another thread to update on how I'm going... I can't remember the last time I posted, but I feel like I'd be more of the same.

Uni. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. I was in danger of failing a class despite getting all HDs in it as for some reason my brain wouldn't let me write an essay, but I managed to get a special assignment task that's due this Friday. I don't even know if I'll be able to do that. I just feel so burnt out and I'm wondering what the point of it all is. After this one unit I literally have one more unit left to complete (in July) and I'm finished my degree... until honours. Am I even well enough to do honours? Will I ever be? Probably not. I'm so sick of uni. I keep saying to everyone that I'm glad I get this trimester off for self improvement but I've said that the past few times I've withdrawn from all my units. 

Then there's the health issues/ pain. The pain disappeared for a bit but it's strong this week, I wake up and my hands are tingling. Luckily I've been able to see the neurologist (after a 6 month wait) and I had a spinal MRI done yesterday. I don't really think he believes me either, he said the muscle jerks are most likely anxiety and while it's true I seem to get them more when anxious they also appear when I'm not at all. It hurts the worst that no one believes me, my mum said to me that it's just happening because I'm thinking about it. 'It's weird how you got this pain this week but not last week, you need to find things to distract yourself from it'. Thanks.

I feel like I'm falling behind in everything. The constant unknown of lockdowns mean I've been unable to meet my jobseeker requirements and I'm in danger of my payments being cut off (every meeting with them my provider wonders if I'm well enough to even do it, that I should get it reviewed... they never do). I can't keep up with my usual volunteering stuff (see example: I'm hardly on here anymore Smiley Sad). I feel like all I do is let people down and I barely have any excuse for it. I try talking to people online and making new friends but I can't bare to message them again after initial contact in fear of disappointing another person (I'm aware not messaging them will hurt them as well... ugh, it's a struggle).

Last week was Mardi Gras and I went out with some friends for the first time in my adult life. I felt so happy. I felt included and I got to dance and I didn't worry about much. The worst part of it all is that my stupid brain won't let me be happy. That night, I woke up at 2am feeling completely nauseous and down, wondering whether this might be the happiest I'll ever feel, if anything in life is worth it if it's just a constant rollercoaster of unknown emotions. Apathy is such a safe emotion to be in, I feel like it keeps me grounded in the present -- happiness makes me think of the future, knowing that it's not going to last long, that I have so many falls left in my life that will take away this feeling. I know this isn't a good way to think at all but I can't help it.

I've said this before but I just can't stand growing up. I miss being a kid so much. Everyone was on the same playing field -- now people are in every direction and there are a million expectations. I still talk to the same people I was friends with in primary school and I hate that we've grown up and don't have time for the things that made us happy in our childhood. I can't cope that people are different now but I still feel the same. I hate the idea of letting people go and I can't deal with it. Even my brother, we still live in the same house and everything but he doesn't even go on family trips anymore and I miss being his best friend. Every single day I'm getting older but I just feel so stuck. I just want to move out and start living but I know I'm not well enough and I can't just lie in bed waiting for my life to start. 

I don't know how to get out of this. I have a really good psychologist for once but 1 hour every fortnight seems like not enough sometimes, I'm already halfway through my sessions on my mental health care plan and it's not even a quarter through the year so I don't know how I'd afford more. I know I should talk more about my past but I can't so I'm stuck going in circles and never getting to the bottom of anything. 

So this vent turned to places I didn't expect it to go... I guess I just needed to get a lot of things off my chest. I'm safe, by the way... I just don't really know what to do anymore. I've been trying to call Lifeline etc but they just say things like 'go to your GP, talk to a friend/ family about this'... like I haven't been dealing with this half my life and like I don't tire and burden my friends/ family with it all every day. I don't know...

Thanks for reading. I'll try to get on here more! Smiley Happy

Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 14-03-2021 03:15 PM

Comments

 
clarii3105
clarii3105Posted 15-03-2021 12:52 PM

Hi @Hozzles Heart I don't have any advice in particular, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us - I hope it was cathartic at the least. From reading your post I'm getting the sense that you feel like you're not 'good enough' at life - I just wanted to let you know that this isn't true at all. I feel like society puts an expectation on us to 'juggle a million things and not fall apart because otherwise you're a failure', but this isn't realistic at all. Life is full of lots of crap a lot of the time and the fact you're here and being so open speaks volumes about who you are as a person. you are enough and I hope things look up for you soon Heart

 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 15-03-2021 02:22 PM

Hey @Hozzles ,

 

I've just been catching up on your thread here and I'm really glad you were able to come here and share a bit about what's been going on for you- I hope it helped a bit to get it all out on paper/screen Heart

 

I can really empathise with the pressure of juggling uni with chronic illness/ mental health/ life in general, and I think so many people hit that point of feeling burnt out and wondering what the point is with it all - it sounds like you've done amazingly and been so resilient in the face of a lot of shit.  You are such a hugely valued member of this community and have given so much support to so many people, you're absolutely not letting anyone down here.  

 

I know I found my twenties a weird, transitional time- it can feel like there's so much pressure on us to juggle all of the things, work out exactly where we fit in life, build that glittering resume, "achieve our potential" (SO not a fan of that phrase!) - and I just wanted to echo what @clarii3105  said so beautifully! You have so much value as a human and there's so much strength in being honest and laying this shit out there.

 

It made me really happy to hear that you had a wonderful time dancing with friends at Mardi Gras, you deserve those moments of joy!  

 

On a practical note, are you able to access the extra sessions on your mental health plan this year?  I hope your MRI went well and that it helps your specialists find some more answers

 

 

 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 15-03-2021 11:33 PM

Thanks so much everyone. All your support means so much to me. 

Just another update before I reply individually (as always, haha):

So I don't know why, but I just completely broke down today. I was in the car with Mum and I had a panic attack and just told her everything that has been worrying me + things I've never spoken about but happened years ago. She made me promise to tell my psychologist about these things, but it's so hard. I promised myself I would tell the psychologist I was seeing about 6 years ago, but it never came out.

I feel raw and I'm terrified. I haven't been able to stop shaking since. It sucks, all I want to do is let myself feel + heal but I have to put away my feelings to work on this stupid essay due Friday. My Mum, while supportive in some areas, called me selfish that I made the uni make accommodations for me only for me to not be able to breeze through it. 

Ugh. The future is just so scary. I think my problem with uni is that I see it as the end of my childhood and all I've known is the same thing (I know there's still Masters etc to go after but that requires applying + getting accepted and isn't just as straightforward as highschool). I've desperately been trying to cling to the past but I need to move forward and it's so painful. I'd love to take a big step, travel somewhere on my own once the world opens back up, live somewhere different and find myself... everything is just so hard and painfulSmiley Sad

 
 
 
 
Hannah-RO
Hannah-ROPosted 16-03-2021 11:59 AM

Hey @Hozzles 

 

So sorry you had such a rough day yesterday, its a really intense feeling to talk about things for the first time. I'm glad that you felt safe to talk about how you were feeling with us, we are always here to listen to you @Hozzles and support you however we can. How are you going today?

That must have been really hurtful to hear that from your mum about the support you've had from uni Smiley Sad Uni is really freakin hard, and I'm so glad that I got supports when I needed them to get through it. Good on you for getting support, it exists because we all deserve it Heart

 

You're totally right about the future being scary, and it can make it really hard to get excited about it when things feel so overwhelming. I'm wondering if maybe there is anything from when you were a really young child that excited you about being an adult? Or anything from childhood that you do that you still love? I like to think about existing between these two sort of worlds rather than fully ever transitioning out of one, I think they can coexist in a lot of ways really nicely together Heart

 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 16-03-2021 08:53 PM

@Hannah-RO I really don't know how I am... I feel like I've been zoning out all day. My flight or fight is so bad all I do is flight, I hate being in the house so I try to drag my family to brunch + go for walks... but nothing much helps. I just want to see my psychologist but I don't have another appointment for a week or two. Tomorrow I think I might try and go to uni to see if it helps sitting in the library, maybe with some uni friends... I don't know. I'm really trying my hardest right now but I also feel like my world is imploding in on itself.

As for second question... I definitely think the same. Like, we're not caterpillars who magically metamorphosise into butterflies. I can't remember what excited me about being an adult, it's all really really scared me and I've never really been able to think about the future much. A lot that excited me as a child still excites me... writing stories, Animal Crossing, learning facts about animals and going to zoos... Smiley Tongue

 
 
 
 
 
Andrea-RO
Andrea-ROPosted 16-03-2021 11:39 PM

I think hanging out at uni with some mates sounds like a really good idea @Hozzles, I've been in situations like this before, and sometimes it's just better to try and sit with the emotion if you can, and try and distract yourself with positive coping strategies - like surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones - when you can't. 

 

As for the second part of your post, I think it's super normal to feel anxious and hesitant about the adult world/becoming an adult. I think something that helped me reconcile that feeling, was figuring out how I could really embrace the desires I had as a kid with the agency I have as an adult. Actually you mentioning the zoo totally reminded me of how a couple of years ago went to the zoo 2 or 3 times in the one month, just cause I thought it was fun. That sort of thing would have been impossible as a kid, but now that I am an adult I can go as many times as I like ahhaha Smiley Very Happy

 
 
 
 
 
clarii3105
clarii3105Posted 21-03-2021 05:56 PM

I second @Andrea-RO 's advice Heart adulthood can be really overwhelming and scary i definitely agree, but one thing adulthood does give us that childhood didn't (or at least not nearly as much) is freedom and agency over our own lives. so revisiting some of the things that you liked as a kid (and would still enjoy today) but with the added freedom and autonomy can be really enjoyable and refreshing Smiley Happy

 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 25-04-2021 05:02 PM

Sorry I haven't replied to these few comments... but is anyone online at the moment? I feel really stuck and I need someone to talk to. Smiley Sad

This assignment still isn't done. Which means it has been haunting me for almost 3 months now... basically 4. I feel completely incompetent and pathetic. Tomorrow I'm going to try and call my disability support officer to see if I can change my special consideration again because I really don't think any amount of time can get me through an essay at the moment. 

I hate this so much. My whole family is so worried about me but they express it through frustration and screaming at me to get things done. I want to get things done! I've worked so hard during this unit and I really, really, really don't want to fail so close to the end!

 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 25-04-2021 05:29 PM
Hey @Hozzles it must suck so much to have an assignment haunting you for so long 😞 Assignments and uni can suck sometimes. Uni is stressing me out a lot too lately so I can relate.. Sometimes I feel I take way longer than other people in my class to get an essay done and I feel bad about it. I've got one that's meant to be due tomorrow and even though I started from day one I still haven't finished it and I'm so behind on everything so you aren't alone at all. Has anything helped in the past with finishing big essays? Like looking at little sections one at a time? Or using dot points instead of writing out proper sentences. That's kind of what I've been trying to do today 😞
 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 25-04-2021 06:22 PM

Hi guys @Tiny_leaf @Lost_Space_Explorer5 @Andrea-RO  Smiley Very Happy

 

Yeah, I feel like I've tried everything at this point. I used to be the kind of person to smash out an essay in a day but I think that burnt me out. I seriously haven't written a literature essay in three years lol, every time one comes up I drop the unit. I don't know what it is about them. I'm able to write lab reports, creative assignments, etc... It's just something about the format I think. It's hard to synthesise all the information, work with 10 different sources, know what I want to talk about and stay on track. This would be the last literature essay I'd ever have to do. Smiley Sad

 

I just hope someone from the uni can help me tomorrow, but I don't know how likely that would be. I feel so guilty taking up all these people's time. I know it sounds ridiculous but I just think things like 'my lecturer has a PhD, and she's wasting her time trying to help 

 
 
 
 
 
Lost_Space_Explorer5
Lost_Space_Explorer5Posted 25-04-2021 06:56 PM

It can be really hard to combine all the info in a literature review @Hozzles I came across a way to summarise everything that kind of works for me- using a 'synthesis grid'. So you write each one of your sources in a table then there are columns for each important bit of information you want from the source.

 

E.g.

 

source

aim/method

findings/key points

limitations/other notes

how I can use this in my essay

paper 1

 

 

 

 

paper 2

 

 

 

 

paper 3

 

 

 

 

 

Have you tried this before?

 

Honestly this takes me wayy too long though 😞 I'd be keen to hear if anyone has any better approaches. Because I usually take notes as I go then summarise them into the grid then write out an outline of my essay ugh it's such a process

 

I hope the uni can help out tomorrow!

 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 26-04-2021 09:55 PM

That is so helpful @Lost_Space_Explorer5! I'll have to use those for my psych essays in the future. And yeah, anything would be helpful @Tiny_leaf Smiley Happy.

So today was a complete fail... I pretty much stayed in bed until 3pm, got up for a bit, then back to bed until 6. I honestly don't know what I did except for lie in bed all day watching tiktok and refreshing my emails. Turns out the uni is closed today for ANZAC day... which I didn't know, as my state doesn't have this holiday since it was on the weekend? 

I'm so scared for what they're going to say. I really don't want to fail but, again, I feel like I can't write anything at the moment. My brain is all over the place. 

 
 
 
 
 
Tiny_leaf
Tiny_leafPosted 27-04-2021 02:57 PM

@Hozzles maybe I use formulas a lot, it lets me start working on things sentence by sentence.

This post is a bit long, but you can do it step by step and not even read the next paragraph until you're ready if that works easier for you.

Anyway, here's my super secret formulas that I just adapted from high school, which I always copy paste onto a word document before I start any essay:

 

Introduction

General statement:

Outline of points:

Link to next paragraph:

 

Point 1

Topic:

Evidence:

Analysis:

Link to next paragraph:

 

Point 2

Topic:

Evidence:

Analysis:

Link to next paragraph:

 

(Insert any number of points)

 

Conclusion

General idea:

Outline of points:

Real world implications:

 

All I do is type my points into the "topic" sections. Then I fill in the other sentences in whatever order I want. The sentences can be as messy as you want. All you have to do is get down what you want to say in a way you can understand it. I work one or two sentences at a time and have something else to distract/ calm me down between sentences.

Once you've got this, you've basically already written your essay. You just need to make it sound fancy.

 

Then I look at each paragraph in whatever order is easiest, add anything I need to add and elaborate on my messy sentences. This normally ends up doubling what I originally had.

 

Once I've done that I edit each paragraph individually. I have a completed essay!

I read over the whole thing a few times to make sure it all makes sense put together, and fiddle with my words a bit because I always do that after I've written something.

 

Depending on how motivated I am/ how slowly I need to go for my mental health, I can write an essay in a few hours or take up to a month.

 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 28-04-2021 01:45 PM

Thanks @Tiny_leaf! I appreciate that Smiley Very Happy

Just another update from me (might be a bit long, I need to let some things off my chest).


Firstly, yay my lecturer replied yesterday and she's changed my task so I no longer have to submit a conventional essay. I can skip the introduction/ conclusion and can submit some dot points! Hopefully this works, I am so tired of this.

Secondly... I'm very nervous because I'm meeting someone Saturday (that I met off a dating app so it could be a d a t e?). I'm nervous because I feel like neither way I'll be bad for me. On one hand, what if I don't like them and have to reject them? Would I be able to? And on the other (which I think is worse) what if I do like them? I've been so exhausted lately feeling like I have to mask myself. My ex could never understand my mental health struggles so I don't want to open up and get hurt again. I don't want to scare anyone away. And besides, I think the person I'm meeting is probably way out of my league anyway hahah, I really don't know what anyone would find appealing about me Smiley Mad. It was so stupid of me to look into dating when I've been feeling so low. 

This point is really off-topic, but something I've been struggling with a lot recently. Pretty much all my friends are into astrology/ the power of crystals/ etc (I think it comes with being queer). Thing is, I have really bad existential OCD. The second anyone mentions anything to do with that it sends me into spirals. Did my last relationship not work because I was with a Taurus? Am I not focusing enough to have a good life? Is it my fault bad things are happening to me because I manifest them? Do I manifest my intrusive thoughts? Are my friends mad at me because I sit around depressed instead of trying to heal by putting rocks outside? I feel awful because people can believe what they want to believe and I feel awful that I can't be spiritual like them. It feels like high school all over again when I was excluded for not drinking alcohol (also OCD related). I try to tell them it triggers me and that I'm pretty sure the moon isn't causing me to feel the depression I've felt most of my life but I feel bad for invalidating their beliefs when I say that. 

I just feel so alone. I feel like everyone is going through a tough time right now but that means no one I'm close to wants to offer any kind of support or distraction. I feel so distant from everyone. I know it's really bad to say this, but I just wish so badly I was neurotypical sometimes. It sucks knowing I'll be different from everyone else and will have to explain myself for the rest of my life. 

 
 
 
 
 
Tiny_leaf
Tiny_leafPosted 29-04-2021 12:38 PM

@Hozzles yay! Hopefully that structure works better for you.

 

Ooh I hope it goes well!

Not liking someone who likes you can feel really awkward... but if you do like them, you don't have to start planning a future or figuring out how to approach the topic of mental illness. Maybe while you're getting to know them, you could just see if you enjoy spending time with them. It sounds like it could be kinda fun.

Anyway, I think you're pretty cool. And they clearly think you're worth meeting.

 

 

Oh wow I can see how that would be triggering even without the OCD, but having that as well would just make the whole thing even worse...

You saying that something is harming you and you'd rather not talk about it isn't invalidating their beliefs. Neither is saying that you don't think a thing they talk about affects you personally.

If they keep talking about things that they know you find triggering, that's on them.

Also I think @Janine-RO might be right with the toxic positivity stuff, which famously doesn't work on anyone with anything that's not going right....

If they aren't listening to your boundaries, is there any way you can keep yourself safe from those conversations anyway? Like maybe spending more time one-on-one with each of them rather than as a group where those conversations are more likely to come up?

 

Also, it's not bad to wish you're neurotypical. You can relate to your neurodiversity in any way you want. No one can stop you and frankly, no one should. It's your brain, you can want what you want for it.

And in a world where people make it so hard to be anything but neurotypical, like... no wonder you're not feeling great. And sometimes being neurodiverse isn't all rainbows and creative thinking, especially when it comes to the mental health side of things. And it's okay not to like that.

Do you find any comfort from spending time with other ND people?

 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 30-04-2021 12:19 PM

Will reply to rest later, thanks for your help everyone. I definitely think I need more ND friends anyway, haha. 

 

Man. I just really don't feel good at all. I feel like all my emotions are turned up to 100%. I'm so completely overwhelmed by life and I keep melting down. I can't even listen to music I like because that overwhelms me. Everything does. I just need to be able to push through this stupid assignment (I hate it so so so much, I feel so stupid and selfish taking this long to complete something so easy. It should've been done like 3 months ago). 

 

I feel so angry. I have for a while. All I want to do is scream and smash things. I want to smash my phone most of all, I am so sick of it. I want to try and go off social media for a week, if I can. 

 

It's so scary feeling like this. My inner child just wants a huge hug and for someone to tell me it's alright. My mum is overwhelmed herself dealing with me and keeps yelling that she doesn't know how to help me or what to do. I feel like such a burden.  Uggghhhh.

 

 
 
 
 
 
Tiny_leaf
Tiny_leafPosted 30-04-2021 01:21 PM

@Hozzles I know its not the same but:

Virtual Hug GIFs | TenorYou're doing really well.

 

Do you have a large cardboard box? They can be really fun to destroy.

 

 
 
 
 
 
Bre-RO
Bre-ROPosted 30-04-2021 01:18 PM

Aww @Hozzles I'm so sorry you're feeling like a burden today, it such a horrible thing to feel. It's like you are just so overwhelmed right now. I feel like juggling emotions and also trying to complete a task is a serious recipe for anger/frustration. I know it is for me anyway. 

 

It sounds like your inner child needs some nurturing today. I don't know if you do this kinda thing but maybe take 10 minutes to get comfy and visualise yourself as a little one. See yourself as an adult, giving your inner child and big hug and tell them what they need to hear right now. Its hard when we want others to be gentle with us and they can't be - but it's nice to know you can show yourself the love and understanding we need. 

 

I've heard taking lots of mini breaks when doing a hard task is helpful. Have you tried that before? 

 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 02-05-2021 12:50 PM

That visualisation sounds like a good idea @Bre-RO... and I might try to find a cardboard box @Tiny_leaf hahah. 

 

So yesterday was a bit of a mess. I don't really want to go too much into it. I had a lot of fun but at at end of it the person I was with seemed to have bailed on me. We were on our way to another activity when suddenly they said they were gonna get off at the next stop and go get dinner. Thing is, they said they lived near the train station where I needed to get home, so I don't know what happened? And they didn't even ask if I got home safe or anything. It's fine, I don't think I was interested in them beyond anything platonic but it still hurts. I feel like I'm just too neurodivergent for anyone to date lol. I managed to stay off my phone (which was the biggest problem for my ex) but I failed to make eye contact, talk much, or ask questions about them. I feel like our morals were in different places on things that matter to me. I don't know. The biggest thing is that I have this stupid damn assignment and I feel like I wasted a whole day when it's urgent hahah. 

 

So today I need to get this assignment done, or a majority of it. One moment I feel confident, the next I'm a huge destructive mess again. I'm just so sick of everything. I think one of the biggest problems is that this is my last ever literarure unit. I get the best grades in literature and I've been doing it since Year 11 and I just feel like a huge part of my identity will be lost once I get this in. Like, I'm almost worried I'll never be able to read again (I can read one book a week if it's for uni, but for myself it takes months). 

 

I set myself a small schedule. Eat, shower, get dressed, brush teeth, then start sorting out some quotes. Do an outline then connect the dots. I should have done this ages ago but ugh.

 

I'm just so afraid. I'm scared of not being able to complete this, but I'm also scared of what comes next after I complete this. Everything is overwhelming and I can't even cope with the good stuff. I just want to not speak to anyone for a few days and just do nothing...

 

 
 
 
 
 
Sophia-RO
Sophia-ROPosted 02-05-2021 02:28 PM
Sorry to hear about how yesterday was a mess @Hozzles. It does sound like you had quite an eventful day. I understand the feeling of overwhelm around upcoming assignments. It can be so hard to motivate ourselves to get it done sometimes too! The schedule that you have organised sounds quite helpful! Have you found that giving yourself rewards when you achieve little goals to be helpful too?
 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 02-05-2021 03:59 PM

Not really... no incentive seems to work. I still have barely started. I can't stop shaking and I feel so nauseous. I just want to fast-forward to the time it's in. As each minute passes I feel like I'm just actively ruining my life. If it isn't in Monday I fail the unit. This has gone on long enough... Smiley Sad

 
 
 
 
 
Taylor-RO
Taylor-ROPosted 02-05-2021 05:18 PM
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now @Hozzles. It sounds like completing this assignment is really agonising for you and that there is a lot of pressure to get it done. Is there another part of the assignment that you can try to get started on instead? Sometimes I find if I am stuck, I try to start at a different point so that I am still making progress and not feeling terrible about not starting. I feel for you right now, it must be so hard on you Heart
 
 
 
 
 
Janine-RO
Janine-ROPosted 03-05-2021 10:34 AM

Hey @Hozzles  - just wanted to check in and say good luck, we're thinking of you and I hope you can get through it once and for all today! Here anytime you want to vent, or need a virtual cheer squad. I've definitely had assignments like that where I literally did not know how I was going to get it done.  One dot point at a time - sending heaps of moral support your way. 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Hozzles
HozzlesPosted 04-05-2021 12:53 PM

@Janine-RO thank you so much! That means so much to me HeartHeartSmiley Very Happy

 

Well... it's in! I was only able to complete four dot-points for each topic when I was meant to do five but I got SOMETHING in! I'm so proud of myself... but it's also so bittersweet. Last night when I realised I had something to submit I just couldn't stop crying lol, there's so many emotions that I just don't know how or what I'm feeling exactly. I feel so guilty for putting not only other people but myself through all this unnecessary stress, and for taking so long on it. I feel really, really sad that the literature part of my degree is finished, it's been part of my identity for so long and I love it so much. I will miss all the readings, the theories and the philosophy and the symbolism and metaphors. I will miss talking about a different book every week, and I don't know how much I'll read anymore without the pressure/ motivation of weekly readings. For uni I can read a book in less than a week but on my own it takes months, lol. I guess I could join a bookclub but I don't know... like think I said, I think that maybe this was at least some part of the problem all along. 

 

Also, I'm really annoyed because yesterday I woke up feeling overwhelmed + hating myself + wanting to hurt myself tbh. I called up lifeline but they literally said I 'needed to stop having a tantrum'. Man... I hope this person rethinks their choices lol. I immediately hung up (after telling them I don't appreciate them invalidating my severe mental/ emotional pain as a 'tantrum') and called kidshelpline instead, which was more helpful + I felt listened to. I decided to go to the public library to write as there I'd be removed from temptations to get distracted (+ways to hurt myself), and it worked!! I'll have to remember this for future assignments, haha.  

 

So now I have one more unit to complete and I will have finished my bachelor's. I half think I should get a head-start on my assignment for that unit now (I've attempted it + quit before I could get it in so many times and it pretty much stays the same lol). I think I need a gap year without uni before I do honours. I feel like I've lost some of my passion for psychology and I just need a break after years of schooling... but I don't know. I'm just going to try and live one day at a time... :). 

 

(Also, I just got back from seeing a new GP... she was really lovely and listened to me! I got a referral to get an assessment for ASD/ADHD, I'm actually excited haha).

Welcome back!

Join the Community

ReachOut is confidential & anonymous.

8+ characters, 1 capital letter, 1 lower case letter and 1 number

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.