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Daddy issues...

Pardon my attention-seeking heading.

My dad and I have always had a mediocre relationship. Throughout my childhood, I have constant memories of him telling me off because I have inconvenienced him by asking him to pump my bike up because I needed it the next day or, asking him to drive me to pick up my repaired laptop I needed which would've taken me 2 hours via public transport but 25 mins via driving. Everything I ask him to do (unless I alert him 2 weeks prior) is a major inconvenience that will completely fill his "already extremely busy" schedule up. And look, I understand that he is taking the effort out of his day to do things for me. If I have the time myself, I will 100% not ask him to do ANYTHING for me, but when it is almost exam season, or if I have a deadline I have to meet and my mum isn't available, sometimes I am forced to ask him for help.

 

A few days ago, our dishwasher broke. Knowing him, it could have easily taken 2-3 weeks for him to even have a good look at it, so I decided that I would have a look myself. I let him know what I was about to do and borrowed a tool kit off him. Then, well, I broke one of the pipes. I looked it up online and it was $50 to replace. I was completely happy to pay. To my surprise, he came over yesterday to fix the problem, next minute, in the middle of my online exam, I hear yelling, "SHE'S JUST A F***ING KID, WHY WOULD YOU LET HER TOUCH IT. WHY DIDN'T YOU SUPERVISE HER. FFS. I'VE GOT SO MUCH S**T TO DO." Wow. I was on the brink of tears but trying to calm myself because I was in the middle of an exam...(I'm 19 by the way, and just started doing an engineering degree). 

 

I have been unable to get this voice out of my head to be honest. And now, countless times when he used to yell at me are all circulating in my mind. I still remember the time when my mum was stuck in a meeting, and I asked him to pick me up from the train station. Of course...I got told off. "You must think I have nothing to do every day" he said. 

 

Wow. I'm sorry for being such a major inconvenience dad.

What should I even do? It's almost physically impossible for me to do a heart-to-heart with him. It's almost like my only option is to just hide away and stop asking him for anything completely. 

Re: Daddy issues...

Hey sukidakedo, I’m sorry to hear you have a shaky relationship with your dad. It sounds so similar to my relationship with my dad, so I can really relate. It’s so hard when you just want to be close to them and you have no idea what you’ve done wrong but it feels like they just don’t like you or despise you. First of all, for all the times you’ve felt like an inconvenience, you are not a burden and it’s not your fault 💛 There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I hope you repeat that to yourself like 500 times. That also must have been so hard hearing that whilst you were studying (I’m a uni student myself). Kudos to you for still getting through your exam okay that’s incredible!! Have you spoken to your Mum at all about the situation?

 

Sending healing thoughts Smiley Happy

Re: Daddy issues...

Hey @sukidakedo, no need to apologise for your title, there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Help seeking seems to be something very relevant to this post actually! It sounds like you've started to believe asking for help is something to be ashamed of, though part of you knows it isn't. I think it's natural to start taking on unhelpful beliefs like this, especially when they're reinforced everyday by our family, etc.

 

I'm not sure if I can offer you advice, because it can be so hard to get other people to change, or even hear us, even when we tell them they're hurting us in some way. But I can definitely empathise with you, it sounds like such an invalidating and frustrating experience to have someone lead you to feel like you don't matter enough for them to help. You do matter! It's a reflection on your dad, not you, okay? We're here for you if you ever need to vent about things.

 

I will link some general resources on talking to parents, fingers crossed something is helpful, but if it's not, it's not your fault so don't beat yourself up over it

Get your parents to listen to you 

Talking to parents about mental health 

Communicating with others 

Talking to parents 

Family relationships 

 

Also, if you feel like you need to chat to someone about this, you can click on the urgent help button on the ReachOut page

 

Also, we had a discussion about 'opening up to parents' here

 

Sorry if I've linked too many resources here haha, I hope venting on the forum was helpful at least if none of these resources are! We're always here to listen Smiley Happy

Re: Daddy issues...

This response!! I absolutely love everything you have said and going to check out these links too Smiley Happy hopefully this helps you sukidakedo 💛 and agreed it’s a reflection upon your dad, not you. Doesn’t mean that it’s any easier to go through knowing that though Smiley Sad 

Re: Daddy issues...

Thank you so much!!! Will definitely be checking out these links, thank you for reading my post, what you said defos made me feel much better about myself. I just have to remember that sometimes things aren't even in my hands. Thank you!!

Re: Daddy issues...

Hey @Panda_!!
Ah, it's not good but it's definitely reassuring that I'm not the only one who feels this way with paternal relationships!!! What you've said is 10000% true, it's sort of like being torn apart between becoming more forgiving but also trying your best to remain emotionally stable.
You are way too kind, I honestly felt so much better after reading your message!! <3 <3
I have spoken to my mum, and honestly, I think she understands but doesn't realise how intense my emotions can get, every time I tell her about this stuff she always says "But he's your dad, you can't ignore your dad forever." and "Later on in life you'll meet tonnes of people who treat you even worse in the workplace."
Ah well...

Hopefully, you're doing well during quarantine @Panda_ !! And hopefully, our relationships with our fathers can get better :/

Re: Daddy issues...

Hey @sukidakedo Smiley Happy yeah I agree! Just don’t rush forgiveness if you’re not ready yet. It’s okay to feel angry, hurt, upset, frustrated, disappointed. You have every right to feel every one of those feelings because that experience is difficult to go through. I’m glad to hear you felt better after reading my message - always here for a vent!! That’s so strange because my mum says the same thing! Especially the “but he’s your dad” comment. Doesn’t mean we deserve to be treated any less than kindly because someone is family. I feel like this situation is one of those things that takes time. As much as we want to have a good relationship with our fathers, they need to put in the effort too!! I don’t feel personally that I am ready to have certain conversations that I want to have with my dad, but I hope we can both do that with time 💛 I hope you’re coping okay with quarantine as well!! It’s been a hard year. Sending you all the best wishes Smiley Happy 

Re: Daddy issues...

Hi @sukidakedo,
I agree with @Panda_ that it takes time for the relationship between you and your father to change. Although it is not exactly the same case, but my dad always said something like "I would be easier without you." when he was doing something for me throughout my childhood. And that makes me feeling like I am a burden and it leads to an awkward relationship even I know he loves me. But things will change, I am 22 years old now, and the relationship between my dad and me becomes better and my perception of him changes as well because he realises that he could not do that to me as he getting older (well, even though the scars are still there and can be difficult to be erased).
It is hard when your mother cannot understand you, sometimes it is difficult to make your parents listen to you. do you have any close friends that you can share your feelings?

Re: Daddy issues...

Oh lord, that sounds horrible, to have anyone, really, to say that they would be better off without you is absolutely horrible. Ah yes, relationships are always changing and adapting after every interaction you have. I think when I get a bit older there will be fewer chances when I have to ask him for help, I definitely can't wait to get my P plates!
But yes, I totally agree, the scars are set, and sometimes I feel like it's a ticking-time-bomb sort of situation, you never know when he's going to go off.
My mum's father (my grandpa) is similar to my dad in a way. She grew up being hit and verbally abused often, but now that he's become old and vulnerable she's definitely more caring towards him. She probably thinks I will eventually think the same, but somehow I think in this day and age that both my dad and grandpas behaviour is unacceptable. (She keeps going on about how "blood is thicker than water" and honestly I'm pretty annoyed.)
To be honest I don't really have any close friends I feel comfortable about sharing my feelings with. I still keep thinking that I'll bother then too much haha.

Re: Daddy issues...

Hey @sukidakedo I know this can be a super hard time but if you don't mind me asking to see how your going now and if anything has gotten better. I know that sometimes you need to speak to him and their is no avoiding him but do try to stay away. And also remember you are young you are going to make mistakes and no one should tell you to stop. Mistakes are just the pathway to learning. One day it will all get better. Let me know how your going when you see this