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Everything feels really bad

Sorry to start another thread. I just feel really bad and gross and I hate myself and I feel like I’m evil and toxic. Every day I think about dying. I feel like everyone is mad at me for not being able to cope and I can’t stop being angry at the system and at people who make me feel worse. I started crying at prac yesterday for a bunch of reasons and got told off by my supervisor for being unprofessional. I think it would be better if I wasn’t here. 

 

Yesterday I told another student (she was worried because I was upset, she’s really sweet, but my supervisor said I’m not to talk to her about personal stuff anymore) that I’d been sexually abused as a child - it was the first time I’ve ever actually said it out loud, and now I feel like I’m a liar because I’m not completely sure I was. One of the people who works at my prac place and who I’ve told before that I’m mentally ill helped me when I was crying and I feel so guilty for oversharing and involving her in my dysfunction. 

 

I miss [name] and it’s extra hard because we spent so much time together this time last year and it hurts all the time that we don’t talk anymore. I want to reach out to her but there’s already so many unread messages to her on my phone and I don’t want to harass her. I miss her. 

 

I try to tell my DBT and other therapist how things are and I go to DBT group but talking to them always seems to make it worse. Plus I don’t know how to explain that everything is bad, it’s not just one thing, it’s every aspect of my life and every thought in my head. And it’s hard to be 100% honest because I don’t want to end up in hospital for christmas. I wish I could just fade away and disappear. I’m sorry. I already feel bad for saying all this. 

Re: Everything feels really bad

Hey @DruidChild I am so sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way about yourself. Some of the stuff you've said is concerning me a little so I just wanted to check on your safety, do you think you're safe at the moment?

I've also seen that you've been helping out a lot of people on the forums tonight which I think is something that's super admirable and kind. I think that someone who was evil or toxic wouldn't be doing such a good thing at all. I think that it's clear that people are willing to look out for you when you need some help, in the same way that you've been helping everyone on the forums tonight. 

I think the advice you were giving litgym in particular was very wise and would be a good plan to follow for yourself. Is there anyone you would feel comfortable talking to tonight? Maybe a close friend or KHL? 

 

- Andrea

Re: Everything feels really bad

Thanks Andrea @TOM-RO I’m safe for tonight. Most people are really nice, I just wish I wasn’t like this and didn’t end up making people hurt me. I don’t have friends and KHL is usually really busy round now but I’m listening to a podcast so I’m okay. 

Re: Everything feels really bad

I am really glad to hear that @DruidChild Smiley Happy I am sure you've got plenty of friends who've supported you on the forums! I think you've done a great job by listening to a podcast too Heart

Re: Everything feels really bad

hey @DruidChild how are you going?
**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**

Re: Everything feels really bad

Hey @scared01, sorry for not offering much support to you/others recently, I still feel really bad and tired. Luckily I didn’t get in any more trouble for crying at work but the other student I spoke to that day has stopped asking me if I’m okay so I guess it was all a bit much for her, which is fair. Idk. I’m tired. I don’t want to be alive. I want to be dead or at the very least very very sick so someone could take care of me and I could feel loved, which is stupid and manipulative and ungrateful. I’m safe and I see my DBT therapist tomorrow, I just feel bad and guilty. 

 

@TOM-RO Yes of course I have friends on RO Smiley Happy I just meant I don’t have friends irl who I could ask for support. 

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Re: Everything feels really bad

Hey @DruidChild

Youve no reason to apologise for not being here. You need to take care of yourself first, how can you share a cup of tea if theres nothing left in the teapot... .


I can imagine you would be feeling abit emotional after the talk with the other person and the reaction after that. I guess itll need some time to blow over however it also isnt your fault. We never know anyones limits and sometimes when people ask if your ok they arent always prepared for other responses to 'im ok thanks'

Wanting to be loved and taken care of is a normal thing for anyone. In ny opinion it isa basic need as well.

Im glad your safe though, that is really important to me and to many others here too. I hope tomorrows dbt session goes ok and isnt to overwhelming for you.
**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**

Re: Everything feels really bad

Thanks @scared01 Heart

 

Yeah for sure. It’s hard because whenever someone is even a little nice or understanding I start being really dependant on their validation and attention so it’s really stressful and I feel kind of anxious around her, trying so hard to read her mood and her face and stuff. 

 

Thank you. I hope so too, mostly I’m just hoping she doesn’t make me go to hospital or to step up step down.

Re: Everything feels really bad

@DruidChild

I thnk some of those needing to be validated and emotional attachment type of feelings may be similar to mine in the way tha because it is something that ive consistently lacked even though its a basic human need when we get that sort of attention we dont really know what to do with it. Some people shut down while others 'blurt' things out... does that make sense?

Maybe this is something worth exploring with your psych as well if your comfortable in doing so?
**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**

Re: Everything feels really bad

That makes sense @scared01, I’m sorry it’s something you experience too Heart I tend to do both, I’ll overshare and then shut down and not know how to cope. I think it’s definitely a good idea to bring it up with my therapist when I can. 

I agree positive attention/affection is such an important human need and I feel like I’m lacking it so much of the time. I just want to be loved and touched and cared for and told I’m good and it hurts to know I’ll never get that in a context that isn’t harmful. Like I know my family loves me but their love just feels so painful. Idk. 

Thanks for your support tonight, I hope you’re doing okay.