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I don't know anymore
I feel really odd and like I guess in a way it's a good odd but its also making me feel extremely guilty and worthless and the more I reflect and think about things the more uneasy I feel and yeah. I am trying so hard to not think about things too much because I can feel myself crashing again and things getting dark but like idk I am trying but I just feel very strange and not quite sure what's happening right now. It's like I am trying to reflect and look at things from the outside but then if I think about them too much I start to feel and it doesn't end well. It's hard to explain. I am just really disappointed in myself for getting here. I guess a lot of my past has been popping up cause this uni thing I'm doing has been triggering certain memories and then in general some daily things have too and I've been having nightmares again and these weird feelings about things and like all this stuff happened 10+ years ago but it feels like it was just yesterday and it makes me really sad because I don't know where any of that time has gone and I feel like such a piece of shit because I have been living like this for so long. Like feeling so dead inside and lost and confused and worthless and anyway idk I just feel like I have wasted everything and don't deserve to live because my life is a constant waste. I feel like I've derailed so much from who I used to be and I don't know if I will ever be able to get that person back. I just feel so fucking lost. I used to be able to hold down a job, heck I used to work 3 jobs at the same time 7 days and week and now I cannot even do my one simple job I have now. I feel so guilty because they have given me stuff to do from home but I just cant do it. I have nothing left in me. Like I want to do it and I think about doing it but I just cant and then I feel so guilty and anyway. I just cant seem to do any of the things I used to and I was just thinking before about the person I used to be and where I thought I'd be as a person and I guess I've just really failed at life and don't know what the point is anymore. I have no clue what I want from life or where I'm going or if I even care or want to. I just feel very over everything and like such a failure and I just hate myself so much for letting myself get this bad because I don't have a clue where to go from here or how to come back from any of this. I feel like I can't and there's no point. I do try and I am trying but I just feel like I am forever trying and am exhausted. Like when is it okay to stop trying? I just really wish I wasn't this person but I don't know how to change because everytime I try something triggers me again and I end up right back where I started. I'm just over it. This exhaustion is killing me. Not knowing who I am is killing me. And honestly, being alive is killing me. I feel like such a lost cause. I want to be different and I want to be normal but I just don't know how or if it's ever going to be possible!!!
Hi @MB95, sorry to hear that you are really struggling lately. I understand it can be hard to close certain chapters in life. I can understand that it would be super overwhelming for you to be saying goodbye and departing from such great relationships on here.
Messing up happens and sometimes it can be hard to control things at particular times during particular circumstances. It's understandable that you would want to try and sleep in order to keep yourself safe. Sleep can be great medicine for our body, mind and soul. Look after yourself tonight and take all the rest you need. Be gentle with yourself as situations of messing up presents as great teachers.
Hey @MB95 I'm sorry it feels like everything is happening at once- the timing of stuff can SUCK sometimes. Hmmm I'm not sure telling yourself just to 'get over it' is entirely helpful... Where is that slothassion? 🙂 Having to say goodbye to people or even just any sort of change I'd argue is a loss or a grieving process and people process loss in different ways.. I don't think telling anyone to get over something is ever going to be helpful though. There's a difference between I guess pushing stuff down and acceptance though- acceptance usually follows validating how you're feeling though and I'm not so sure I'm hearing validation.. Am I reading that right?
Hmm I'm also going to question the lesson you're taking from this not to get attached to people because they leave. Cause @Eden1717 and I aren't leaving you! You will be able to find us if you do decide to go onto the other forums, okay? We're not leaving you! And even if we do say goodbye I'm not quite sure the lesson is not to form attachments... 🤔 Cause sometimes it's not people's choice to leave you know, cause 'shit happens'? I reckon some people are worth knowing even if we lose them? Anyway I will stop pushing my agenda lol and sorry for rambling. We just want you to feel safe and make whatever decision is right for you and there is no right way to feel or to process this! I would probably be feeling a similar way, like I never wanted to get attached to people again because loss can be f*cking hard 😞 So you are most welcome to ignore my sentiments lol! I'm not so encouraging about the invalidating how you're feeling by saying get over it though but it sounds like that's you're way of coping and staying safe right now?
I'm sorry you're losing your supervisor this week too 😞 That bloody sucks- and the timing! I hope you're able to find closure saying goodbye to her and your team? Same goes with saying goodbye to RO- we don't want to hold you back from saying what you need to say okay?!
Hmm I'm not sure I'm exactly 'cool' with ignoring your emotions 😅 but boundaries are important so I will respect what you need right now ❤️ Can we still check in on you or leave gifs on your thread? Or is that going to make things harder? I don't want to make things harder so if you say no I will respect that. You haven't been hard to deal with! But I think I know that feeling of feeling like you're a burden so if you're anything like me you won't believe me... I think I'm hard to deal with too a lot of the time so thanks for bearing with me 😛 (HA! If you try to respond by denying this then you're going to have to consider that maybe you're not hard to deal with!) And if you agree to this well idk maybe it's true that sometimes things can be hard with any kind of relationships, but it's not that we 'deal with people' it's that we're there for them through it all, not just when they're happy- because that wouldn't feel right?
Lol you won't freak us out! I mean.. I admit I get freaked out by sentiment sometimes but it's not really the person showing sentiment that freaks me out it's sentiment in general cause I find it really hard to trust people and that includes people who are nice to me?? 🤣 But like I have double standards cause I'm allowed to feel sentiment I just can't show it or accept it from anyone else (well most of the time...)! But once again I'm talking about me ugh
Thank you too @MB95 🙂
its ok you just do whatever you need to do for yourself. joining the other forum is totally up to you even if you decide not to you know where to find me at least if you change your mind. we will miss you but for now at least i just hope your last week here is enjoyable.
Thanks Eden, I really appreciate it. I do feel relieved knowing I can connect with you after this if I decide to go on the other one and hope that I am able to find lost too if I do. I think that's the only thing that's somewhat helping me through this 💙
yes well *coughs in a whisper* if i am right i think i may have found lost on the other forum so it shouldnt be too hard for you if you do decide to join at a later time.
LMAO @Eden1717 *coughs in a whisper* 🤣 I think you may have found me too 😛 Idk how you know it's me though 😛 Cause my username isn't obvious. But yeah I definitely found Eden @MB95 and tried to be recognisable without breaking their guidelines. So I think you'll be able to find us if you decide to come over to the dark side 🤣 (that's just a joke btw- the other forum seems really nice!). *coughs in a whisper* They might be lacking in a certain aspect of the RO forums that I'm fond of though, but I'm sure they make up for it in others 🙂
Hey @MB95 I wish I knew what to say to take the pain you're feeling away 😞 Maybe there are no right words. I sometimes feel a similar way like I wish I'd done something differently so I didn't end up here or I wish I'd 'savoured' the good times more. And then like I look back and even the good times don't seem as good and I think what's the point in anything... I think depression/mental illness can do that to you. It can make you feel like you're worthless because you can't do anything you used to and you don't enjoy anything anymore and you don't know who you are. Then there's the whole nostalgia thing where you think things were so much better before. Like for some reason I'll feel like things were better say 2 years ago and I was in hospital thinking it was the worst time like memory can be really strange like that. For some reason I feel like we don't remember pain in the past as much as pain in the present feels? Does that make sense? Idk where I'm going with this. But I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad and crappy about yourself. Time is so weird, like time will pass and you can think like I should have done so much more I should be a different person, I've let little me down. But like- here's that line again- aren't we just doing the best we can each moment? Like little me couldn't have predicted the obstacles I'd face and I'd hazard a guess little MB95 couldn't have predicted the obstacles she would face when she thought about her future and how long it would take to 'recover'
Recovery isn't like a destination I don't think. It's kind of an ongoing thing where we just adapt to life in the best way we can- I think in a way that makes it worth living? That's what recovery means to me. And even to get to the point where life is worth living it can be a very bumpy and long road?
You know what, even having that one job is bloody impressive to me! And doing uni and the practical side of uni too! Like I've never even had a proper paying job or tried to help people so you're a role model to me at least 🙂
I'm sorry you've been having nightmares again and those horrible feelings have been triggered again. I wanna say you can talk about the stuff that happened on here if you need/want, but I realise it might not be the best time and yeah you've said you don't want to in the past I think? But I wish I could listen or that anyone could to help you find peace/work through what happened to you 😞 I can't even imagine how hard it is.. 😞 You gotta at least acknowledge you're one heck of a badass juggling all of this shit while doing uni and having a job and living away from home whilst still being able to show compassion to others. I hear you think you're a lost cause and you want someone to say it's okay to give up, but we've still got hope for you. And I wonder what's behind asking if it's okay to stop trying? Maybe you just need someone to listen- really listen to you and hear how bloody hard things are and say it makes sense to feel like there's no point and to feel exhausted. But just cause they can see and hear your pain doesn't mean they'll give up on you, because you matter so much and it would be a tragedy if something happened 😞 I can appreciate it's brutal and can bring up anger and resentment when someone tells you to keep going in the marathon that is life when you've passed out on the track (maybe I should stick with the sloth anaologies :p). But I don't wanna be that person- and I don't think others do either. Instead I think we wanna sit with you for as long as you need and then if/when you're ready we'll help you back up. No one can say it's going to be okay, it'll get better, etc. But we can say it's okay to feel the things you are feeling and it's okay to take a break and be kind to yourself. It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself 😞
Is there something nice you can do for yourself tonight? Or something we can do to help?
Are you feeling safe?
Sorry I haven't been around as much lately I hope tonight is okay and you can get some rest
I don't even know what to say sorry lost. But thank you 💙 I am safe so there's no need to worry. I didn't actually plan to say half the stuff I did, I was trying to talk about how strange I feel but for some reason I just started typing stuff without thinking and then realised I didn't even say what I intended if that makes any sense? Idk. But I'm safe. Just very I don't even really have a word for it but anyway. Thank you. 💙 And please don't apologise, you have a heck if a lot going on at the moment and I would much rather you took care of yourself so no apologising!!! But thank you 💙
I'm glad you were feeling safe @MB95 ❤️ It sounds like you had a lot on your mind and you were feeling differently to how you initially thought you were? Sometimes we can push things so far down we don't realise they're there. How are things going today?
Btw I asked the RO staff about sharing usernames and unfortunately they won't be able to do it so we'll have to rely on trying to run into each other if that's something you want to do (no pressure) ❤️
I kind of really wish you hadn't told me that 😭 I mean I'm glad you did because like I need to be prepared but yeah just not sure I was ready to hear that. I think I knew they wouldn't but I just didn't want to find out but thanks for asking for us.
@MaryRO I think part of me had a glimmer of hope that they would seems we are both on board with it and okay with it but I think deep down I knew they wouldn't and I just didn't want to know because I'm scared and it hurts. Idk. I just really don't do well with goodbyes and anyway I have my own opinions about it but I can't share that here so yeah. It just sucks. A LOT. Last night was not a good night but I think today has helped a little. I'm just trying not to think about it tbh and focus on other things right now because it's too much if I do and doesn't end well.
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 don't you dare apologise or call yourself selfish!! It may have struck a cord hearing you'd asked them, I do really appreciate it so please don't think I don't. I guess I just wasn't prepared for the outcome just yet. Idk. I know I need to leave and I know they can't help us and I think I already knew that deep down and was just avoiding it. Seeing it has just made this all real and I feel like I am about to lose everyone and yeah sorry I am trying not to go into it because I really don't want to upset or worry anyone. This just SUCKS and is making me feel sick talking about it. I just needed last night to try and process it so I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I'm glad you told me, I hate it but I'm glad you told me. 💙
@Eden1717 Thanks. I don't really know how I am feeling today. Just exhausted I guess cause last night was really not good but it is what it is. I think having my uni thing today really helped to keep me busy and distracted which was good so now I just need to try and find something to continue that tonight because last night was shit. I don't know if I will go on another forum. I know it's stupid but I feel like everyone just wants me gone and after reading losts post last night I realised I really can't put myself through this again. I feel like this always happens, when I finally make good friends or get close to someone they always leave and I'm left hurting and I just really don't think I can do it again. It's just a lot and I am scared and need to protect myself because I am really not okay and anyway it doesn't matter. I just don't know if I can put myself through this again that's all. I really don't want to lose you guys but I just don't know if I can do it. I did just have a look over there then and will say that I may have found you.. love the user name lol And like seeing you over there did help and made me feel somewhat safe being there but yeah I just don't know. I don't know about anything anymore.
@MB95 I'm really sorry hearing this was so hard. I didn't mean to make you upset 😞 I know you said you don't really want to talk about this right now so I'll put a spoiler tag below 😞
I think I should say the staff did say they hoped we'd be able to all find each other anyway but they just couldn't break the other forum's guidelines like that. Okay my username is not as easy to guess cause I changed it but um I'm hoping if I reply on @Eden1717's thread over there you might be able to recognise it's me? Or like if I figure out how to post maybe you'll find me? This is gonna be hard but not impossible
I was really tempted to send a coded message in a gif lol but a. it was probably too hard to guess and b. I would feel really guilty for trying to be sneaky like that 😞
I love that you were thinking of a code message, I legit have been thinking about sending my user name to you via morse code if I decide to go on 😂 But I'm the same, I would feel way too guilty. I did kinda get to a stage where I really don't care and thought I'd be gone anyway so who cares but I also couldn't do that to you cause I don't wanna put you in that position, legit the only thing that is stopping me haha But I love how we both thought of it. Surely the staff would suspect that. I don't really get how it would be breaking the new forums guidelines but anyway its all good. I don't really get any of it lol But I get they have a job (even if I hate it and it SUCKS) and I do respect that.
I honestly don't know that I will use another forum after this because I just really don't think I can put myself through this again. And tbh the only reason I am even considering it is because of you and Eden. I have absolutely no interest in trying to meet new people or hear their input right now (sorry I'm in a really shit mood and just hating the world atm but trying VERY hard to keep this pleasant and cheery for the sake of other readers 😂). But yeah. I'm just not sure I can do it because this is really affecting me and anywayyyyy doesn't matter. I don't really want to think about it tonight if that's okay, I'm just really trying to focus on my uni cause I have so much I need to do and also have to try sort out my living situation because I have to leave in a few weeks and its all just a bit much because I'm about to leave my uni thing with my supervisor as well so yeah I'm just trying to keep myself busy tonight because I feel like everyone is leaving me. I am thinking about it, just not sure if I can physically put myself through this again and not quite sure how the other forum really works so yeah. If there is any chance this is going to happen again then I can't do it. I'm sorry. I'm really trying but it's just a lot atm because I feel like I'm being forced to make decisions and like I know they are good ones and I need the support and stuff but yeah its just a lot and I know it's only to get rid of me and it just hurts and ugh anyway doesn't matter. Sorry. Can we just maybe see what happens and see if I can find you and then decide? Like I found Eden so maybe I will find you, who knows. I know for sure if I make an account though I'm gonna make it hella goddam easy with my user name and you'll probs laugh at my first post and 100% know its me so idk part of me feels like I'll be able to make it work but then part of me also doesn't want to put you in that position of feeling like you need to find me on there and then I also don't want to be on there if you're not there and anyway I'm going to shut up now because this is totally crossing into boundary territory and I'm sorry I'm just all over the place and don't like thinking about this. Avoidance is key but then I also feel like I'm going to lose you regardless so I shouldn't be avoiding this but I don't know how to talk about it without saying things I shouldn't. I just think it sucks that the 3 of us have made such good friends and then this happens. I think it's cruel and I wish I'd realised it way sooner cause I would have built my walls higher and probs booked it out of here long ago if I'd thought it through properly 😔 Anyway please don't be sorry, it's not your fault I'm an emotional sook when it comes to this stuff. I just shouldn't be getting attached in the first place!! I'm really sorry.
Thank you for making that a spoiler too. I don't want to talk about it but I do want to talk about it and I know I need to talk about it because I know it needs to happen but like I don't want it to happen and I just feel so fucking alone and like once this does happen then I really do have no one and it just sucks and I'm scared and yeah anyway I'm sorry I'm just a little all over the place so I'm sorry if I say I don't want to talk about it but then do or if I randomly just stop talking about it. I just feel very weird and it is making me feel sick talking about it but anyway sorry if I'm being confusing I just don't really know what I want or need right now. I'm so sorry!! You guys are amazing though so thank you for putting up with me 💙
Also I don't even know why i am bringing this up but a side note, a pic of my back up psych popped up in my FB feed the night before last and it really upset me. Like when I first saw it I just went so numb and then I was just so sad and start crying and didn't know why and I felt so pathetic because I couldn't stop looking at the photo because I felt like she was there and then when I scolled I scrolled back a few times just to make sure she was still there? Like what the actual fuck is that about?! Its so fucking messed up and I feel so creepy for even looking at it but I was just in shock that it was even in my feed and I got so angry that it was because it just made me so upset and there was no reason for it to be there but it was and I couldn't unsee it and then just felt like shit and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it because I never got to say goodbye to her and I just really want to talk to her but I cant and ugh anyway I don't even know why I am telling you this sorry I think I just needed to let it out because I feel like it was yet another reminder of how everyone just leaves me and there's no point opening up or getting close to anyone because it never ends well for me and I ugh anyway sorry I don't really know why I am saying any of this why does everything just have to happen at once though? Like seriously!!!! I have been trying soooo fucking hard!!!
Hey @MB95 I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad atm 😞 It sounds like you're feeling so abandoned and confused and like everything is happening at once. I can kind of get that feeling I think and it's very distressing to say the least 😞
TW (Re the other forum) Ahh I'm so tempted to give you a hint right now 😞 But if you want to find me I'm on the forums. It might be difficult to figure out it's me but if you do decide to come on (obviously no pressure at all) I think I'll be able to find you (I was able to find @Eden1717 🙂 I hope it's okay to say that!)
I'm sorry you saw your back up psych I would have found that confronting too if it had been say my old CM or something and I probably would have stared as well so it's not creepy. I mean that's what fb is about? Lol sorry I'm not making much sense I'm really blergh atm cause of these meds idk what's what 😛 Sorry this is such a short reply I don't have much energy but I hope you know I care I'm just a bit poorly atm I'm sorry I haven't been here as much as I would have wanted things have been a little hectic this week. It sounds like you've got a lot going on too and you've been here for us so I know that's not really an excuse 😞 I have no idea what I'm saying lol I'm so out of it 😵 I hope this was somewhat coherent lol
Hey @MB95, I can hear that it was really distressing for you to see a picture of your back up psych. I imagine that it made everything come back to you and I know that now isn't a good time when you have so much going on. I don't blame you for feeling so upset and angry.
It is up to you whether you want to talk about leaving. I know you said that you don't know what you want but we will follow your lead. If you need to take breaks, then please do so and know that we will all understand that you are just trying to work through it 💗
Nobody should feel pressured to chat on another forum and it seems like you have all discussed that it won't be difficult to find each other. Perhaps it could be left at that to relieve some of the anxiety around the decision?
i am sorry that was news you werent ready for is there anything you can do to feel a little better tonight? or maybe just distract yourself? idk i am not very good with suggestions tonight but i am happy to listen if you want to talk about anything.
Idk. I think I just want to be alone but thanks. It's just made everything very real and I'm not sure I was ready for it. But thank you both of you for putting up with me for so long and always being there for me when I needed it. You have no idea how grateful I am for you both.
Hey @MB95 I can imagine how hard this news is for you. I guess in the back of your mind you may have been hoping that the answer would have been a yes. We understand that it's difficult for you to know that this cannot be. Is there something that you are able to do for yourself tonight to treat yourself and be kind to yourself? Is there something that can help you digest the news?
Hey @MB95, I can hear that you are doing a lot of reflecting on what life used to be like for you and that this is making you feel lost and confused. I am sorry that it has also left you feeling guilty and worthless, that must be really hard. I don't know what things were like before but it comparison, it seems like you might be going through a particularly difficult period right now. So, I don't blame you for feeling stuck or like things aren't what you had planned. I know a lot of people who feel that way as life rarely goes to plan and things can change along the way. These thoughts can be tough to sit with, so I am wondering how can you help keep things from getting dark again tonight?
Btw, I was about to respond to your email but saw your post and thought it'd be better for me to respond here
Thanks Taylor. Yeah I know life rarely goes to plan, like I get that but idk it's too hard to explain. I guess I'm just really angry at myself for letting this happen and wishing I could go back in time. I'm watching Netflix and trying to keep my housemates annoying puppy entertained cause she is being an absolute shit so I'm doing my best to stay busy and distracted.
I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling angry at yourself and as though you wished you could go back in time @MB95 . It sounds like things are quite tough for you at the moment, so it is good to hear that you are feeling safe. Seems like watching a puppy would have been quite a good distraction technique! What breed of pup is it? 🐶