I don't know anymore
I feel really odd and like I guess in a way it's a good odd but its also making me feel extremely guilty and worthless and the more I reflect and think about things the more uneasy I feel and yeah. I am trying so hard to not think about things too much because I can feel myself crashing again and things getting dark but like idk I am trying but I just feel very strange and not quite sure what's happening right now. It's like I am trying to reflect and look at things from the outside but then if I think about them too much I start to feel and it doesn't end well. It's hard to explain. I am just really disappointed in myself for getting here. I guess a lot of my past has been popping up cause this uni thing I'm doing has been triggering certain memories and then in general some daily things have too and I've been having nightmares again and these weird feelings about things and like all this stuff happened 10+ years ago but it feels like it was just yesterday and it makes me really sad because I don't know where any of that time has gone and I feel like such a piece of shit because I have been living like this for so long. Like feeling so dead inside and lost and confused and worthless and anyway idk I just feel like I have wasted everything and don't deserve to live because my life is a constant waste. I feel like I've derailed so much from who I used to be and I don't know if I will ever be able to get that person back. I just feel so fucking lost. I used to be able to hold down a job, heck I used to work 3 jobs at the same time 7 days and week and now I cannot even do my one simple job I have now. I feel so guilty because they have given me stuff to do from home but I just cant do it. I have nothing left in me. Like I want to do it and I think about doing it but I just cant and then I feel so guilty and anyway. I just cant seem to do any of the things I used to and I was just thinking before about the person I used to be and where I thought I'd be as a person and I guess I've just really failed at life and don't know what the point is anymore. I have no clue what I want from life or where I'm going or if I even care or want to. I just feel very over everything and like such a failure and I just hate myself so much for letting myself get this bad because I don't have a clue where to go from here or how to come back from any of this. I feel like I can't and there's no point. I do try and I am trying but I just feel like I am forever trying and am exhausted. Like when is it okay to stop trying? I just really wish I wasn't this person but I don't know how to change because everytime I try something triggers me again and I end up right back where I started. I'm just over it. This exhaustion is killing me. Not knowing who I am is killing me. And honestly, being alive is killing me. I feel like such a lost cause. I want to be different and I want to be normal but I just don't know how or if it's ever going to be possible!!!
I am sorry the alternatives didnt help that must have been very frustrating for you. how are you going today?
Thanks @Bre-RO ❤
Things are definitely feeling more difficult than usual and I'm very much over it but I am really trying. Just so sick of nothing working and feeling like such a failure because I'm getting nowhere. I know it's my own fault I'm here and I only have myself to blame but yeah I'm just over it because I really do try to be normal.
Thanks @Eden1717 ❤
It's definitely frustrating and I'm just over it all. Today has actually been okay which is nice for a change. Like I feel like last night helped to kind of bring me back a bit if that makes any sense? Idk. Like I could just think so much more clearer thismorning. Like things still didn't make sense but I could kind of think about them a bit and not feel so intense about it? Idk how to explain it. But like I went on a bit of a high for a while too which was cool and I felt like I was capable again but then I got an email from someone I've been working with saying goodbye and it all just kinda hit me that tomorrow is my last day and well we know what I'm like with goodbyes. Idk. I have just been trying so hard not to think about it today and just enjoy their company while it lasts but it was just really hard. Like it was actually a really really nice day and because I was able to release some of my emotions last night it felt like I was actually able to engage today for the first time and then I just got really sad about it because I wish I could have been like this the whole time and I feel like I've wasted eveththing but anyway I'm just trying my best not to think about it. I'm not sure how tomorrow will go. I think I am going to be an absolute mess cause I ugh now I'm crying just thinking about it so I'm just going to stop there because I am trying so fucking hard here!!!!!!!!! I just really wish I wasn't this person because I hate her so fucking much and I just want to be normal!!!!!
Hi @MB95 I just did a bit of catching up on your thread and it sounds like you have had a very busy few days. It's good to hear that today has been okay for you and things seem a bit clearer, I imagine that must be such a relief.
I can definitely relate when you say that you dont like goodbyes. They really are so awful, especially after working so closely with these people. Do you think you might be able to catch up with some of these people outside of work? Is that something you might feel comfortable doing?
Thanks @Eden1717. I am really hoping so too because I don't want my stupid emotions to ruin it!! I just need to try and be an adult about it all and stop being so stupid and attached!!
Idk @Courtney-RO. Like I would really love to stay in touch with them but I'm just a student and they are clinicians so its a bit weird and I feel like I can't just be like 'hey, do you wanna hang out some time?' Lol As much as I wish I could I just don't know that I can or if that's even appropriate or allowed. One of them has me on messenger now but I feel weird about it and like I'm not allowed to do that and I'm just really confused because I really want to ask my supervisor if we can stay in touch because we get along really well and without knowing it she has been a really big support for me just being able to see her everyday but like I just feel like it's not appropriate but I also don't know how to just end all these relationships because the team has been so welcoming and I am just really scared to leave them. Like I was finally feeling like I had some sort of support here. Like they have no clue about anything but just being able to see them everyday has been nice and given me a reason to get out of bed and feel somewhat safe during the day and part of something. Its just been nice and I really don't want to leave and I just feel really weird about it. I want to ask them if we can stay in touch but I don't want to come across as being attached and I know I don't mean anything to them and it would probably be weird so they wouldn't want to anyway and I get that but I just don't know how the fuck to say goodbye. I feel like I've only just started to get to know them all properly and feel comfortable and start to engage more on a get to know you level than a student/clinician level and now I have to somehow just leave it all and go back to being completely alone and I just ugh idk I can't put this into words properly because I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I just really don't want tomorrow to he my last day becausr they are all so nice and I just wish I could be like them and I don't know how to let go and ugh anyway sorry I am rambling I'm just all over the place because so much is happening right now and I am just sick of things changing all the time and just wish I could stay put in one place and that I had someone. Honestly I'd be so happy if I just had one fucking support here that wasn't going to leave me!!!!!
Hey @MB95 I'm really sorry I wasn't around on the forums today I will check in properly tomorrow 😞 I'm sorry stuff has been so hard and you had to cope by doing something you think you shouldn't have done 😞 It sounds like tomorrow you're saying goodbye to the team from the uni thing? 😞 I'm sorry you're having to say goodbye to so many people it really sucks. With the person you have on messenger I reckon there's no harm in asking cause maybe your supervisor will say yes? I mean because one day you will be a clinician too right? Idk
I hope you're able to get some rest tonight ❤️ Sorry I'm not much help atm 😞
Yeah I don't really know @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I am just so confused about how to even go about relationships anymore. Like I'm just so scared that I am being too attached and stuff by asking someone to hang out. I just feel like no one would ever want to spend time with me because I'm pathetic and even I don't want to spend time with me so why would anyone else? So the idea of asking someone too just freaks me the hell out because I feel like I don't deserve it? It's hard to explain but I just feel really worthless and like a piece of shit and if someone even talks to me I feel grateful. Like ugh I cant put it into words because its so hard and I cant really make sense of it but yeah I am just scared to ask anyone if they'd ever want to hang out because I feel like such a pathetic excuse for a human. I am really confused about it all. Quite a few people on the team told me to email about a job later when I'm graduated and that they hope to see me around and my supervisor told me I have her number and to use it if I need too but I just feel so weird and like she was only saying that to be nice and actuslly never wants to see me again because I'm a freak and she is glad I'm gone but then we also got along well and idk I am just so confused and I don't know what to think. It doesn't really matter though I just need to get over it and accept that experience is in the past now and try move on. I am just trying really hard not to think about it because I think Monday is going to be really hard and when it hits me most not being able to go in to the office and see them all again. Like idk. Yesterday was just absolute shit and I coukdnt keep it together. Everytime someone said something nice to me or acknowledged it was my last day or came up to say goodbye and wish me well I just lost it crying and I felt so fucking stupid because its not the end of the bloody world but like idk. I just felt like it was. They made me feel like I somewhat belonged somewhere and even though I had to hide everything and put on a brave face everyday it was nice because it helped me forget what was actually going on sometimes. Like some days were shit and I struggled alot but just having them around me helped so much and especially these last two weeks I was getting to know them all a lot more and felt like I was feeling more comfortable and now it's all over and I just idk. I don't want to think about it cause it just makes me cry or feel completely numb and alone and I just really wish I didn't have to leave them because they were such an incredible team and anyway I'm going 6o stop there cause the fucking waterworks have started again and ibcant do this!!!!!!!!!
Crap I just saw this sorry @MB95! I get so confused with the order of posts sometimes 😞
Knowing how to go about relationships can be really tough 😞 And it would be especially hard with people leaving so much... It sounds like you're feeling really down about yourself atm such that you wouldn't want to hang out with yourself? I'm really sorry you're feeling so down 😞 Is it okay if I ask why you feel like no one would want to spend time with you? Sometimes when I feel like that it's because I don't really think I'm worth very much as a person. Can you relate at all to that?
It really sounds like your supervisor and the team there really like hanging out with you and do want to stay in touch! I don't think they are saying it just to be nice but I do appreciate that sense that people are only hanging out with you to be nice. Idk but like even if someone was hanging out with you to be nice it sounds like they are nice people and they think you are worth their time? Idk if that makes sense or if that is helpful sorry
I'm really sorry you're having to say goodbye... It's never an easy thing to do especially after finding someone we really connect with, or just people that make us feel safe and like we belong somewhere 😞
Yeah I don't really know what happened to the order of the messages @Lost_Space_Explorer5. It is confusing me.
I don't think it. I know it. That I'm not worth anything. And I'm pretty certain they were just saying it to try and make me feel better cause I really can't see them actually wanting to know me outside of the uni thing.
It all fucking sucks but I just need to get over it. Its my fault I got attached. I should have never let it happen.
Hi @MB95 I hope you don't mind me jumping in here, but I just wanted to say that you are not pathetic or worthless and I can definitely see why people might want to spend time with you. You are always so caring and thoughtful of others, it's no wonder they want you to email about a job after you graduate.
I'm also sorry to hear that yesterday was so tough, it really is so awful saying goodbye. It sounds like you found a really nice group of people who made you feel welcome and like you belong which is just so lovely to hear. Do you think you might consider emailing them about a job? We are all here for you 💜
Thanks @Courtney-RO you're too nice. They were pretty great. Like idk just being around adults was really nice and I felt safe with them and like idk it was just nice. They were just really confident in themselves and a close team and it was just nice to see and be somewhat a part of. I just really enjoyed getting to see them everyday even though we weren't close and I didn't really get to know them but I did get to know them a bit bigger the last couple weeks cause I felt a little bit more comfortable with them and was able to actually talk to them and engage in some of the team discussions and it was just really nice and I just miss them already and I cant think about it otherwise I just get upset again. I shouldn't have let myself feel so attached to them and rely on them but idk just having it to go to everyday helped and now well doesn't matter. It just sucks and idk how to really cope with it but I'll work it out. It would be cool to work with them but the work was also pretty triggering for me and it was mostly the team that I enjoyed it for but also I doubt they will even remember me next year when I graduate and they were probably only just saying that to try and make me feel better because I doubt they would actually want me there so yeah. I just need to get over it and prepare myself for tomorrow instead cause I think that's gonna be even harder.
Hey @MB95 I am sorry to hear about how you were feeling last night. It sounds like things have been quite difficult for you lately as there has been a lot on your mind. It also sounds like you were having some tough negative thoughts last night about the end of your placement. I wanted to check-in with you to see how you are feeling today? How are you feeling about the idea of reaching out to them outside of uni? You also mentioned that you feel like you need to prepare yourself for tomorrow as it's gonna be harder. Can I ask a bit about what is happening today?
goodbyes can be so tricky. hopefully tomorrow is a nice day even if it does get emotional for you i hope you can somewhat enjoy it too.
Hey, @MB95 just catching up on your thread, I'm sorry you're in so much pain at the moment. It's so exhausting juggling everything you mentioned in your post and most people go through times where it feels more difficult to manage than usual. I know I've had many of those times myself and it's usually when I have unrealistic expectations of myself. Or when I've forgotten that I'm a human being and that we aren't perfect 🙃
Challenging as it is, I still see someone who is doing their best and that counts for something!
We're going to get in touch with you today via email so keep an eye out for that when you're free.
Hey @MB95 I'm sorry stuff is still so horrible today, it sounds like you're trying all your strategies but they haven't been helping 😞 It's awesome that you gave it a go though- sometimes stuff just doesn't help when we're feeling so bad 😞 It sounds like keeping moving is helping you a little with staying distracted from the thoughts? Is there anything we can do to help? Do you think you'll be able to stay safe tonight? Do you reckon you could give me a rating of how safe you're feeling (10 being very unsafe)?
I'm sorry so much is happening all at once 😞 It all sounds so overwhelming. And I feel like what you've told us is only the tip of the iceberg
We really care about you MB95 and want you to be safe. I appreciate that might seem insincere at the moment with the stuff that's going on but if we could we would keep you on the RO forums for so much longer 💔 And as @Eden1717 and I have said we're on the other forums if you ever decide to find us (I hope it's okay to say that- I don't mean to speak for you @Eden1717!)
I'm really sorry stuff is so hard 😞 Sending you sloth hugs if you want them
Hi @MB95 ,
Yeah, it sounds like everything is quite heightened, but you’ve done a great job to recognize that and keep busy. You are doing your best and I think you got a handle of things, even though it may not feel that way at the moment.
Hey @MB95... 😞 It sounds like things were really shitty today- I'm sorry stuff is so hard 😞 I wish I could do something to help even just a bit ❤️ I don't think you're a coward I think you're really brave and strong to keep going and to be reaching out. Is there anything we can do to help?
Idk if this will help but I'm drawing you something to try and cheer you up a little ❤️ So stay tuned!
Please be kind to yourself and stay safe okay? ❤️ I will check in tomorrow
I am replying up here because i was getting confused with the other replies. anyway i will put the next bit in a spoiler so you can read it in your own time or if /when you want too. oh but before that i am sorry you had to see your back up psych that must have brought up a lot of feelings and memories you might not have been ready to deal with? hopefully your day today has been less stressful.
Hey @MB95 I just wanted to check in on you, are you going okay? We're here for you if you want/need to talk ❤️
Thanks @Taylor-RO. It was just really confronting to see cause I wasn't expecting it and have been trying SO HARD to shut everything out so yeah. It is what it is though and I just need to get over it and stop being so triggered by things!! It's not like I'm ever going to be seeing her again so I just need to try and get used to it and accept its in the past I guess. Idk.
Thanks @Lost_Space_Explorer5. It defs feels like everything is happening at once but I've just gotta get over it and work out how to try and make it work or else it's not gonna end well so yeah. It's my fault I feel like this. I should have known all this would happen because it usually does and I just need to learn to not get attached to people.
Thanks @Eden1717. It's defs bought up a lot of feelings and memories I wasn't quite ready to deal with cause I guess I never did get to deal with them seems I never got to say goodbye but yeah anyway doesn't matter. It is what it is and like I said, I just need to grow up and get over it. People aren't in my life to stick around and the sooner I accept that the better. I'm trying REALLY hard!!
I really appreciate you guys being so supportive and always trying to help. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about moving to a new forum atm. I've kinda just been trying not to think about it cause there's just a lot going on and I need to leave my supervisor and team this week too so I'm just trying not to think about it all because I am going to leave RO this week and yeah it's just a lot of goodbyes all at once so I'm trying not to think about it too much cause well we know what I'm like.
As for how I am. I'm not going to go into that. It's not that I don't want to talk to you guys because I REALLY DO but I am trying really really hard to not rely on you anymore and get used to dealing with things on my own. So I probably won't be posting on here about myself anymore and might just focus on you guys instead if you're cool with that? Idk. I just need to learn to be on my own again with things and feel like this is going to be the best way if I just stop relying on you this week and be there for you guys instead before I go. I hope that's okay. Thankyou SO MUCH for everything though. You have no idea how much you two mean to me. Your friendship has meant the world to me and I honestly can't thank you enough for everything. I know I've been hard to deal with and everything but I just really appreciate you both sticking around and always being there. I'm really going to miss you but anyway that's enough emotions for tonight cause I don't wanna freak you both out in my last week 😂 But just THANK YOU. So fucking much. You are both the best supports I have ever (and probably will ever) have. ❤
I'm sorry things are tough @MB95 - goodbyes are hard, especially when several come at the same time. How are you feeling today?
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 I really love what you said - "I reckon some people are worth knowing even if we lose them?" I think that's so true. 💛
I'm really not feeling okay today and I messed up on something today because I couldnt control it but anyway it doesn't matter I told myself I wouldn't talk on here anymore so I'm not going too and I'm sorry. I'm going to try and go to bed because I think that's the only option I have right now to try and keep myself safe. I get what you mean about getting to know people even if we're going to lose them but I don't like it and I cant cope with it so yeah. If you want to do gifs and stuff then you can lost. It doesn't bother me cause I don't think anything can make things harder right now but just please don't get upset if I don't respond. Like I probably will and just not talk about what's going on idk. I'm all over the fucking place. The games were helping a bit but I'm too well yeah itd not a good idea for tonight. But anyway I am just as happy for you to not post here too so don't feel like you have too. I am trying my hardest to deal with stuff on my own and just use this last week to play games and reply to your threads. I hope that is okay.
I'm sorry today has been bad @MB95 😞 It sounds like even if you did mess something up it wasn't intentional so I hope you're not beating yourself up too much about it? Getting some sleep sounds like a good plan if it means you'll be safe. That's okay, I can't really blame you for not wanting to get hurt again 😞
If I have permission to do gifs I will 🙂 I won't get upset if you don't respond don't worry ❤️ Of course playing games is okay! It sounds like you're not in the headspace for it tonight though?- and that's okay! We're here if you need, okay?
I didn't do it on purpose because I didn't have control of it but anyway thank you. I think I am in a self destruct mode right now and just need to try and sleep so I don't do anything stupid tonight cause I can't trust myself right now. But thank you. I definitely don't have the headaches for games tonight but maybe tomorrow we will see. Thank you for being you.
It sounds like your brain could use a bit of a break from those thoughts @MB95 I hope you're able to get some rest tonight ❤️ Stay safe- we'll check in tomorrow
