Just rambling
How do I repair a fractured relationship when this whole time I thought it was your fault this whole thing I didn’t look inside myself and realise what was in in front of me I never acknowledged that my attitude towards you was the problem
I always thought it was you and it was your fault that you did things the way you did and that might be partly correct but I never gave you a chance I always pushed myself away from you ahen and you did rarely show an interest in me I didn’t take any notice
you had moments where you thought of me you put a lot of thought into me but I didn’t see tHat instead I saw the pain and the hurt in the bad days, I wish that when you showed that I meant something to you even a small snippet I acknowledged it and I held on to it because it didn’t happen often enough but I truly think it was always there inside you
I wish you received what you wanted From me in return to say thank you and give you a hug but instead I continuously punished you for the past and made it all worse
when you were able to you did try but I shut it down
some things you did for me were more than I ever expected you made me a calendar a couple of years a go and you printed off pictures of things I like as the month picture, I threw it in the top of my cupboard at the time because I didn’t want anything to do with you but you tried and I’m sorry I wasn’t there in the moments that you did try I’m sorry for pushing you away because of the moments you couldn’t try with me I’m sorry for blaming you when it wasn’t your fault
I acknowledge the difficulty you faced with addiction and suffering relationships and subsequent health issues that followed I recognise that these were not your fault you didn’t want to hurt me you never wanted to hurt me I know that now and I’m sorry for saying you did I’m sorry for blaming you and saying it was your fault you wanted to inflict pain on me no you didn’t but it happened a lot and I will no longer for the rest of my life hold that against you
miss you Mum
hey @Saltwaterdreamtime,
I know it's a bit cliche to say, but genuinely thank you for sharing this on the forum. I know this is something that you've grappled with a lot in the past, and so it's incredibly touching to have been able to read where you're at, and how you're feeling about things now.
Relationships with people who are close to us can be hard, and they can be even harder when they're with a close family member like a parent. Because the other person's actions feed into our own, and vice versa, it can get incredibly difficult and even exhausting to figure out why things went wrong to begin with. I can see how much thought, acceptance, love, and forgiveness you have put in your post, and it's important to extend this understanding not only to your mum, but also to your younger self. It makes sense that you were hurt by things that had happened in the past, and it makes sense that you needed time to process this hurt and be ready to forgive. It definitely isn't something you should punish yourself for.
If you can, and if you feel you're ready, it might be a good time to reach back out to your mum. It can be hard, and it can be harder to know what to say, but sometimes even just the action of reaching out can be enough. If you had your mum's address maybe you can write her a letter? Even a text, or a message can work as well. What are your thoughts? 
This was just everything in my head I didn’t even proof read just got it out I haven’t done that for a long time, maybe ever to that extent
Last time I heard from Mum she was in hospital now I don’t know..., one if my siblings might know.
Man that sounds so rough what you and your mum have been through! Just venting like that unfiltered can be such a relief to get ofd your chest. I am not across your whole situation but I do know what its like to disconnect from family, my dad and I had been through heaps of family trauma then he choose a new wife over me by voting know in the marriage equality stuff so we didnt speak for two years...it tore me apart and I had some dark days. I kinda went the same thing writing it all out and it helped to make a choice about reconnecting. Hope you are doing alright
Yeah that’s shit I’m so sorry to hear that @Claire-RO but you know, family is not bound by blood it’s the people you surround yourself with, I have a wonderful family where nobody is related to me by blood and I think that’s pretty amazing.
Yeah, been pretty rough between mum and i, my siblings and I (more than I can count on 2 hands) were removed from my parents at multiple stages but permanently for me when I was early teens if I remember right, there was a lot of violence and I did a lot of the leg work looking after the younger kids and I missed on a lot of things like regularly going to school and not having all the right things to actually attend fully participate when I did. A lot of the hurt and pain Mum was experiencing was projected onto her children and it also reflected in all her other habits. I don’t want to go too fear into it here, anymore, I used to freely and openly talk about it but as I said in my first post I have some more respect for Mum now and what she dealt with and it doesn’t feel right to drag her through the coals for it anymore
Sounds like you, your family and your mum went through a bloody hard time. I think as we get a bit older and get some space and perspective we can to a place where we don't agree with how family have behaved or treated us but we can start to understand how they got that point and have some compassion for their circumstances, which sounds like that is what you have done. I kinda did the same and and mended things with my old man. You are so right about blood doesn't just make family, my mum passed when I was 12 and my dad got remarried, my step mum ended up showing up for me more than my blood family, she passed away as well and that was heartbreaking but felt so lucky that someone who wasn't related to me could give me so much love, so I get what you mean!
Last night I called my older (half) brother to see if he knew much about Mums whereabouts these days. We pretty much ended up having this long as like d and m and talking about some stuff we both remembered and we got talking about this house we lived in, we were talking for hours, I don’t have a very strong relationship with him at all so that was pretty interesting
Sounds like you had a nice long chat with your half brother @Saltwaterdreamtime . Hopefully it was good for you to catch up with him ! Do you have anything planned with your family over this weekend?
hey @Saltwaterdreamtime,
first of all I'm really happy to hear that you guys got a place, congratulations!!! that must be such a relief to have found somewhere!
Secondly, it's a big big decision to reach out, and it's ok to take your time with whether you want to reach out/how you want to reach out maybe you can check back in with us tomorrow with your thoughts, and what you've considered?
@Andrea-RO i don’t know, which tells me maybe no.
I’m trying to really back myself in decisions I make lately, when I’ve made it I’ve made it, stand my ground but this one I can’t even make
that's ok @Saltwaterdreamtime, I totally get what you mean. It is a huge decision, and I find that those are always the more difficult to process and decide on. There are a couple of strategies you could use to help think about the situation, like a pros and cons list etc. but honestly, even just sitting with the decision, and waiting until your confident in your choice is totally a valid choice! A lot of the time your brain works in the background weighing up things, without us even consciously realising. It's ok to give yourself the space to breathe and not rush things
@Andrea-RO I am going to call her, just a check in I reckon, could go either way depending on how things are going for her, could be happy to hear from me or just real pissed off
Hope the call goes alright @Saltwaterdreamtime, feel free to keep us updated if you're comfortable, we'll be thinking of you
Also how did packing go on the weekend? Were you able to get a bit done?
I just sent a text @Hannah-RO Might only seem half as meaningful but I don’t think it’s fair to kind of catch her off guard, no forewarning with a phone call.... if she wants to talk to me she will otherwise whatever, don’t.
We got a little bit done. We’ve been spending our nights getting organised so had lots of late ones. It’s hard to pack when you still have to live.... 😬
Hey @Saltwaterdreamtime ,
A text sounds like a really good way to approach a tough situation like that, like you said, a phone call out of the blue could be a lot to handle for both of you. So I think a text is the perfect solution.. I don't think it's half as meaningful at all. It's protecting yourself and protecting her a bit as well from the sounds of things.
Good luck with the packing, moving with kids is a special breed of awful and it sounds like you're doing a great job of getting through it. Is your little guy excited about moving to a new place?
@Janine-RO He’s excited I think, we haven’t said too much about it but been showing him the photos, we also walk past it most days and we have for a long time, it’s just at the end of our street and around the corner a bit. The yard is a lot bigger than our old house so he will like that, I think I will like that myself actually, keen for some bike jumps/skate ramps....
That's so lovely to hear @Saltwaterdreamtime, sounds like this house will suit your family well. The yard must be pretty big to build some bike jumps and skate ramps in there. Is skating or biking something that you do or would that be for your boy too? 
@Sophia-RO @It’s fairly big but no massive, one or the other, can’t have skating and biking haha
Just mini jumps like this, could work for both, I could probably build them instead of buying.
The little guy is into riding his balance bike at the moment, very very fast and will froth something like this, so could be for both of us.
this is cool too
@Saltwaterdreamtime that must feel pretty shitty, thanks for giving us the update. I think you showed a lot of strength reaching out to her like that, I'm sorry she didn't respond. Is there anyone you feel comfortable chatting about this with? I can imagine it would be a heavy to handle on your own. We are of course always here for you too
Aw @Saltwaterdreamtime that would feel like a kick in the guts, it really really hurts being left on read when you reach out to someone. How are you today?
@Bre-RO not travelling so great today, trying to soak up the good as much as I can but all had a rough night here.
