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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] @Bananatime04 Forgot to bring something up. Our mum is part of some secret Facebook group and has become friends with another mother (from that group) of a trans girl, and I/whoever is going to be meeting that trans girl tomorrow. I’m kinda nervous about that. Hopefully I/whoever can keep the dysphoria to a minimum tomorrow. I’m nervous, and even though I probably shouldn’t be afraid of it, I’m still scared of going inactive (even though I literally did that yesterday evening with A*), so I’m not sure if I’m going to be the one doing this.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] I stayed switched in. It went well.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

That sounds great @SomeoneNADJS ! 

It's so lovely to hear how supportive your mum has been after your coming out, and that the meeting went well Smiley Happy did you want to share your favourite part of meeting the trans girl your mum introduced you to?

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R@Andrea-RO We didn’t do that much at the meeting. Mostly we just played a game on her Nintendo Switch.

Tonight is not going great. I feel suicidal again (now I’m at a point where I’m getting worse rather than better it seems), and now both of our parents got angry at me because I got stressed out and spent an hour with the light on in our bedroom trying to catch a cockroach.

 

I’m dreading going back to school in about two weeks. Inevitably I or someone else (but probably me) will have to go back there, and I doubt I’ll last long when I get there. I don’t want to have to answer people’s questions, I just want to be treated normally and exist without having to deal with other people’s shit about this. I don’t know what to do or how to prepare. I don’t know what to do now either. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep and I’m feeling terrible yet again.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] I feel kind of like a freak too, for not being “normal”. I know I shouldn’t have to feel like this, but I kind of feel like I deserve it. It’s probably not really fair to anyone else in my system to say this, but I feel like a freak because I’m trans and because I’m plural.

 

And I still keep having thoughts in the back of my head about being replaced by some non-existent hypothetical system member and being found out by someone we know about being plural from here or being blackmailed or something, but I don’t want to have to stop making posts here and suffer in silence.

 

I forgot to confirm my safety in my last post. I’m safe for now. Idk if I’m going to get any worse later on though.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

@SomeoneNADJS 

 

Hey R, 

 

I can only imagine how challenging it would be navigating your genders and identities as a system. The pain of not feeling "normal" is a heavy burden to carry around, as well. Huge emotions for you all to process. It reminds me just how brave you all are to come here and share your experience with us all - and I really hope that you continue to share with us. We don't want you to suffer in silence Heart 

 

I've felt like a freak in my life too and in those times I've tried to seek out people like me. There's something really powerful about seeing the diversity of people/experiences/identities - it gets you questioning if anyone is actually "normal". 

 

A cool place to source different experiences is by following blogs. I found one here, that shares the experiences/thoughts/opinions of a someone who is non-binary and plural. If that's something you're interested in reading Smiley Happy 

 

I'm glad to hear you were safe last night. How are you feeling today? 

 

 

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R@Bre-RO Thank you. As long as no one approaches us and asks if we’re that system from ReachOut irl, we’ll keep coming on here.

 

I’ve read a little bit of that blog before. Haven’t read it in a while though, so might take a look at it again.

 

This morning has mostly felt similar to last night. Somewhere around 2-2:15 I brought some stuff downstairs and slept under the ceiling fan, which helped me calm down for some reason. Plus, since I’m still not saying anything about feeling suicidal yet, I was lucky to have two convincing reasons that would let me avoid saying anything about feeling like that (1, the air con was turned off upstairs, and 2, the cockroach, even though it’s gone now, but our mum came up with that reason so I just went with it).

 

In the last hour or two I’ve been a bit better though. S was just chatting to someone online a few minutes ago, and ze doesn’t seem to be affected by how I’ve been feeling, so that’s good. I’ve calmed down now.

 

I find it a bit annoying though about having to keep the whole suicidal thing secret. Hopefully it doesn’t keep getting worse, but as the school term looms closer, I’m not feeling very good about my (or anyone else’s) mental health. Like, originally I just wanted to go inactive, which, due to being a system thing, would obviously be kept quiet. But, if I say anything about being suicidal, it would seem pretty out of the blue because I’ve already lied to our mum because it hadn’t escalated to wanting to die again at that point.

 

I’m also scared to say anything, not only because of that, but because I still find it hard to talk about these things. Our mum doesn’t know, but if I’m distressed, for as long as I can remember I kept my mouth shut about anything that would make me feel worse because I was scared of what other people would think. And I’m still doing that now.

 

And with the whole school thing, I don’t know how I’d deal with anyone asking questions or being transphobic. Since this has been a life-long habit for me, I think it’s likely anyone else in our system would do the same (except maybe they’d be able to overcome that more easily since I probably have the least self-confidence out of anyone here).

 

There’s just been a lot of dysphoria for me last night and today, and I still wish we had a female body. I hate it in here.

 

I almost forgot to mention to that we’re seeing a voice therapist at some point in the next two weeks, but I’ve forgotten when specifically.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

Hey @SomeoneNADJS 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like returning to school is a huge trigger for you? I know you identified it as an issue before but I noticed that you've mentioned it in a lot of your recent posts. It seems like you're particularly dreading explaining yourself to people. Is that right? If so, I can see how all of that would feel really overwhelming. Getting through this in and of itself is hard, let alone having to explain yourself to people. Might it be helpful to put together some responses to potential questions? If so, I (and others) can probably help you formulate responses.  

 

Keeping things secret also seems to be a huge issue for you. What is it about keeping it a secret that gets to you? Is it guilt? Or do you feel like your tackling things alone? 

 

Also, seeing a voice specialist sounds fantastic. Hopefully that helps with some of the dysphoria you're experiencing. 

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[A] Hi @Maddy-RO Just finishing up a KHL chat (R was feeling to distressed to talk, so I went on instead because I thought I could use it).

 

Returning to school is a massive worry for mainly R and I. She’s been talking to me about wanting to go inactive for a while (earlier this evening she even suggested the first month of school) because she’s so scared of it. I’m not going great myself at the moment, but I’m scared that if she does decide she wants to do that and I have to switch in for school, that I’ll have to deal with the same stuff.

 

She doesn’t like having to keep things a secret because she feels like she’s having to lie about who she is and what she’s comfortable with, and that she can’t escape being perceived as who she pretended to be because of social norms. I feel pretty similar, and our mum was just comforting me earlier (I was in tears from dysphoria), and when she said she loved us, it didn’t feel like it was directed at me, because she thinks I’m R. That kinda sucks too tbh.

 

[R] I’m continuing on A’s draft. I kind of feel like it’s hard that we have to hide a lot of issues that relate to specific members, and that I feel like I’m faking who I am on the outside. Our mum told the voice therapist appointment is on Friday.

 

A was suicidal for the first time during that KHL chat. I’m not sure if it was her talking about hating our body so much that made her feel worse, because I talked to her before our chat and once she woke up there was just this wave of dysphoria from her.

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Re: TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff

[R] Also I’m switched in now, and we’re safe at the moment, but I’m still not feeling great about having to be awake and using this body. Not fun