TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me
Hi everyone
I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders.
Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life.
It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.
I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone.
My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..
Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, it seems like you are doing a lot of questioning and reflecting tonight. You are going through so much pain and hurt right now. I can really hear that you want things to get better and you want to feel okay 
I want those things for you too.
If some people in your life have noticed that you aren't okay, what would it feel like to open up to them a little more? When it comes to supporting someone else, everyone has a different personality which might impact how they give support. For example, how I respond to the community is probably different to how Maddy-RO responds to the community. We all have a preference for the way that we want to be supported as well. It is okay to feel like someone is a bit more tough than you would like. It is also okay to prefer to be supported by other people instead 
We all look forward to your other posts tomorrow, when you feel ready to share.
I feel so alone and worthless..
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I am really sorry to hear that you're feeling a bit low tonight, did you want to elaborate a bit on what you're struggling with at the moment?
I guess I’m lonely, really, but feeling like a burden and worthless in this world. I don’t even talk to my leaders much about it, because I know they’ll tell me I’m not. And because they are always busy when I wish to talk to them..
You are so much help to me! I love talking to you, you are an absolute shine of light during all of my dark moments. I missed talking to you because when I talk to you, I feel like not giving up. I love your advice! Please don’t feel like you are anything less than my best friend
it is true, you are my best friend. I may not be yours but you are the most loving, supportive person I have in my life and one of the only people that have stuck by my side. I want to do the same for you I feel so guilty for making you feel so alone while not seeing your thread.. I don’t go on the ‘somethings not right’ page where it’s for everyone’s threads. I only do that when I feel like I’m having a good day. Other times I just go through my notifications. Could you ask @Jess1-RO to pop a link to your new thread at the end of your old ones when you’re done with them? She does that for me 🙂
Aww, thank you! You are definitely my best friend, and so is Tiny_leaf. I couldn't ask for better friends, ever!
I could ask for that, but I don't ant them to feel pressured to do it. I'll tag you from now on, because it's easier to do that. 🙂
Lol, I just did 😄
Is that why it’s taking a bit longer for you to reply?
I’m trying not to get upset, but I just feel like I’m not important enough to have help.. I may not be in a crisis, but I can be in distress without letting on as much as that.
I’m not currently, but I can be, sometimes.. Which links in with my trust issues..
I’m just gonna read through your thread now, hang on
If you’re not up to it, you don’t have to. I’m not worth your time.
I’m not worth anyone’s time..
I am safe. I swear. Just sad and a little neglected by everyone, even irl. It’s not you guys, I just feel so alone rn. 😔
I’ll respond properly tomorrow, before school starts. I don’t go to school yet, but I do need to start getting into routine, when I do start..
😔
I'm very sorry to have taken so long to reply to you @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, unfortunately things have been a bit busy tonight, so I haven't been able to get to everyone as quickly as I would like
I just want to let you know that you are appreciated and valued here. I am sorry that you were feeling so lonely tonight, ReachOut will always be here to you to try and help you through whatever you are going through
That would be nice, I hope it happens!
I have seen so many people like that, and that is what has made me have these trust issues. I ca't even open up to my leaders, because of it, and the fact that I feel like a burden.
I already know of signs of toxic relationships, I just find a way to leave the toxic person eventually. But thank you for the offer. 🙂
I don't think it would help really, but only because I'll never be able to let my guard down irl. I don't want to hear things that will hurt me, if I do. and that always happens. Even with my leaders. They keep telling me the same things, over and over again. But I tell them that I don't believe what they tell me, every time. They don't listen or understand me. but oh well.
Yeah, I made a friend, and we do share the same name. Obviously our real names aren't stated here, but our names are what brought us together. 🙂 Funny, right?
I had a look at the journal thingie, and it looks pretty cool. I just don't know if I can get it. But I am an introvert! 🙂
I would talk to a GP, but my parents would never allow me to talk to one alone. I trust my family GP, but she is a little hard to understand sometimes as well. I just can't talk to one. I'm not going to open up to one either. As much as it might be helpful to you, I just can't. It's too hard me to organise and start doing. But thank you for suggesting it, if I could talk to one, I would try to. 🙂
I know, I should tell my mum too, but I don't want her to worry about me. I just hope that one day, I can wake up, and it will have just been in the past, nothing more. I just need to stop thinking negatively. but it will definitely take time. I won't tell my parents, I just can't break their hearts by telling them how I feel about myself..
We can definitely come up with ways to replace it. I have some ideas already, but they haven't helped at all..
I honestly didn't want to tag you, because I knew you were going through a tough phase at the time. I was scared that you would get even more triggered, and I didn't want that. But I guess you've already seen it, so it doesn't matter now, does it..?
It was meant to have good intentions, I know it did. My leader sent it to me, and I haven't said anything to that leader about it yet either. I don't want to. It will hurt even more if I do.But it's okay. I'm okay from it now. I don't agree with the text anyway, so it doesn't affect me as it did before.
hehe, I can be a bit immature sometimes... 😄
But seriously, thank you. I have been told that I have more maturity than most people my age. 🙂
I know that they are required by law to speak to others about harmful situations and stuff, but again, I'm not going to open up to anyone else about it. I've told one person irl, and she is someone who has done sh before, but gotten over it with professional help, and I've said it here. I won't get help anywhere else about it, because I know that it wont help. I've tried to explain it to counsellors and other staff like that, but they brush it off like it's nothing. So I gave up on telling them. I'll tell them one day, but not in this time.
Aww, thank you! I have always had a way with words, and that's another example there! 🙂
I know that you are not a fake friend, and I will not be one either. I guess all I can do now, is reach out when I need to. I can't just bottle everything up. But sometimes I will. Its only natural to do it.
Lol, all good. Its a bit tricky to catch up on a months worth of posts!
I’m glad you still have your friend, Lexi!
I wish I could buy the book for you but I can’t send it without knowing where it’s going
Okay so let’s come up with some alternatives! Firstly, we need to identify the reason for your sh. Some people do it for punishment, distraction, cry for help and a release of pain/feelings.. are you aware of the reason for your self harm? If we know the reason for it, it’s easier to find some alternatives that will help your situation 🙂
I think we can all be immature sometimes!
Remember, if you need any extra support Nikki is always an option
I’m proud of you for noticing that bottling things up won’t help 🙂
Yes, Tiny_leaf is also one of my best friends 🙂 you two are probably the best people I have in my life!
I understand how you might feel left out and I’m so sorry! I will try my best to talk to you more, you just need to tag me where you need me. When someone has been through the same things as you, it’s easier to offer support with that understanding 🙂 that’s why Tiny_leaf and I may have a good level of support. It’s only with situations I have been through, that I can offer my best advice. Like for example you would be able to offer far better advice for fainting, stress management and things you have been through. No ones journey is the same but sometimes there are the same struggles someone has faced. It doesn’t mean we are better at offering support! We all have our own ways 🙂
How are you feeling today?
Thank you. I know reachout is always here, but sometimes I feel like I have no one. I know it's been busy, but a lot of the time, there's no one looking at my threads. It takes a few days to get responses and support for me. Everyone else doesn't seem to notice me. And this was before the virus. But oh well. I can't control it, and it's not my fault that so many more people are in more dark places than me.
I know you guys are all busy now, but I'm just stating that I feel like everyone else has more importance above me. Please don't tell me anything like that. Because I know. some people just don't understand that I know most things logical. I'm not 2.
But thank you anyway, I really do appreciate the work you all do here.:)
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable on this post. It is okay to be hurt and it is great that you recognise that you are going through that process. You have been through a lot over the last few years to get to this point of self-hate and isolation. I can tell how hard it has been for you to battle through this. It sounds like you are feeling quite disconnected from the supports in your life.. but you also mention choosing to go it alone. That sounds quite conflicting and I imagine it must leaving you feeling a bit stuck. Do the people in your life know that you need their support?
It seems like you have an idea of what is helpful when you are seeking support. You mentioned that your supports can make you feel negatively without meaning to. That must be really upsetting to have to experience that with your supports 
Have you ever talked to them about how they can best support you? It can be so hard to do and might sound silly but everyone is different and has different needs. They might not be aware of how their support can negatively impact you.
We also have articles on self-talk, I am not sure if you have seen these before. This is someone's personal experience and this is full of tips. The last one has a list of challenging questions that helps to break down negative thoughts. It can definitely be hard work but you are not alone - everyone has been through this at some point in their life. Working on your thoughts means that when they do pop up, you can pull yourself up before it spirals
Hey @Taylor-RO
Thats what ReachOut is here for! 🙂
Yeah... My supports have been a bit better than the backstabber mentors I had, but only one of them is able to make me feel better the most. But only one. Which is disappointing...
My family don’t know that I need it, I completely put on a mask to them. Only my leaders know, and I hate to bother them. I only tried to get help before iso life, because I was there in front of them..
I could talk to them about it, but I’d have to feel really okay with bothering them at all...
I haven’t read the articles yet, but I’ve been recommended some already. I’ll look at those ones too, soon.
I had a seizure, and my hands are still shaking a little bit.
I promise it's normal for me, but I haven't had one in a while..
My family are in the lounge room, and I'm just laying on my bed. My phone is next to me, so I can text them if I need them.
It can be a bit scary, especially because I hate having them. But I have to live with it being a symptom of my episodes. So I'm feeling a bit sad and depressed now, because of it, and my negative thoughts this afternoon.
*Sigh*
My life is going so great right now. *eye roll*
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! I'm so sorry you had a seizure. 😞 That must have been really scary.
I'm sorry I haven't been on the forums much in the last few days and haven't been able to talk to you much. I felt a bit sick so I decided to just rest.
How are you feeling today?
Here for you.
I was just texted something in a group chat, and it was meant for good reason, but I’m hurt, and now I have urges to physically harm myself. I’ve never had that urge before, and I never will hurt myself on purpose, but I’m thinking about it. I am safe, but I am distressed and very upset about this text.
And atm I’m currently rewriting my thoughts on my wrists in permanent marker, over and over again.
The text was about how I am God’s creation, and the fact that I’m critiquing myself, is telling God that he made a mistake. But I can’t stop thinking of myself in this way. I’m really hurt, and mentally I’m hurting badly.
Why do I have to feel like this? Because it really hurts me! Even physically its hurting me. I’m shaking because of it. And I can’t deal with it right now. I just want to sleep, and get schoolwork done. 😣
I am safe, I’m not in danger, but I feel so upset and distressed.
Wow, that must have been a hard text for you to read @xXLexi_Lou122Xx. 😞 I can see how they meant well, but it would have made me feel bad about myself too. I personally disagree with it. I think that we are our own worst critic, and it's in our nature to be harsher on ourselves than we would be with other people. I honestly think people who critique themselves tend to be the kindest souls. I don't think God made a mistake in making you and the world is a better place with you in it.
I think writing on yourself is a good alternative to self-harm. There are a lot of other ideas on this thread too. 🙂
I agree with you that we are our biggest critic, but it does hurt to think that way. Because if you think about it, whatever you say about yourself, you’re telling God what He is. Like how I tell myself to Die all the time, I’m telling Him to die too. But I obviously don’t mean it in that way.
Aww, thank you. ❤️
I kinda mean that writing on myself is actually my self-harm.. I don’t physically hurt myself, but mentally I see harm. Do you get what I mean? It’s a bit hard to explain.. I don’t hurt myself physically, I do it mentally.
I’ll have to re-read that thread again. I haven’t been on it in a while. 🙂
