TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me

[hellofriend]

I would've found that sort of message really upsetting too @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I'm sorry they sent you that I find it really frustrating when people use shame as a technique to try and push people towards self love. Like I don't think they realise that's what they're doing and I know they're trying to help, but someone who struggles with low self esteem really doesn't need someone telling them that how they're feeling is morally wrong, that's not even true and is just going to add to negative feelings.

How are you going today? 

[WheresMySquishy]

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx  I think everyone has those kinds of thoughts and it doesn't necessarily mean that we are criticising God. I think the only people who don't criticise themselves are narcissists. I agree with @Maddy-RO.

I hope you are feeling better.

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

@Maddy-RO yeah...
Are you religious in any way?

Aww, thank you. I still feel bad though...

I’m feeling pretty bad right now, because my mum saw my wrist, which had the words ‘Just Die’ on it, in permanent marker. She really cares about me, but I lied to her and told her that it was there from ages ago because it was permanent marker. It is permanent marker, but it isn’t from ages ago. She also told me that my body cloth can help get it off.

I hate lying to her, but I just can’t tell her how I feel. I haven’t even told Nikki about it yet. She is the most trustworthy, but she also has a particular amount I’m allowed to tell her before she has to tell my mum and dad.

I keep writing over my wrist and ankles, the same things over and over again. I just feel so bad. And I lied to my leaders, telling them that I’m fine. They know it means that I’m not okay, but I don’t want them to feel worried about me. I’m just wasting their time. I AM a waste of time. I AM a waste of space an resources. I AM a useless, ugly, fat, stupid, Mistake. I SHOULD go die. I don’t DESERVE to live.

I’m safe.

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

@hellofriend yeah...
I know they meant well, and I know they didn’t want me to feel this way, but again, I still feel the way I do.

It’s just how I am. I can’t help it.
And as stated above, you can probably tell how I am atm...

@WheresMySquishy I know, I just feel that way because of the way the text was worded. 😔

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

I honestly just want to die. I don’t want to hurt myself, but my ‘coping’ method results in my mental self harm. I want to reach out, but I can’t. My friends don’t even know about how I treat myself. They don’t know anything about how I criticise myself or what my past is. They only know about my health, and why I moved to my new school.

My leaders are busy, and I want to talk to them, but I don’t want to bother them. I don’t want to talk to them because I am a waste of time. I know I am, and I know what else I am.

I just want the pain to go away. for the hurt to go away. For every flaw to be perfected. Because I hate being me. I hate myself for being me. I hate myself for the way I react to even the slightest mistake I get told off for.







I hate me for everything that has happened in the past 6 years of my life.

I am safe.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, it sounds like today has been really tough. It must be upsetting to hate yourself for so much right now. You are putting a lot of blame on yourself and that must be hard. I am sorry that all of this is causing you a lot of pain and hurt, it must feel really heavy and overwhelming. It can take time to open up to other people about our struggles - it is not easy to be so vulnerable and open sometimes. When you feel comfortable and ready to, it sounds like there are a few trustworthy people that you can talk to 

We are our own worst critic sometimes. We notice things about ourselves that others would never have spotted. Everyone in the world has flaws, even if it doesn't seem like it. It sounds like you have been under a lot of stress and pressure.. sometimes that can influence how we react. Sometimes getting told off is just a horrible feeling

You mentioned that your Mum saw your wrist.. What was it like talking to your Mum about your wrist, even if you didn't tell her the whole story? 

[Bre-RO]

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx just wanted to check and see how you are today? Sounds like you had a really tough night. Thinking of you. 

[musicfan_xo]

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx hi, just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're struggling, and I miss talking to you and others (won't tag them because of rules). I had a break from here for a while.

How are you?

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

Why do I feel so sad?

Why do I keep making myself hurt mentally?

What am I doing wrong that’s making me like this?

Why did I have to get backstabbed to make me become so introverted that I feel like I’m wasting other people’s time?

Why haven’t particular people looked for my thread and checked to see if I’m okay? I know I should tag them, but it kind of hurts to know that they haven’t looked at all. I know I have many people already responding, but I wish to hear from particular users. I support them as best I can, but they haven’t spoken to me in ages on my own thread. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful either, I know that it seems that I am though. Another thing to add to my negative list.. 

Why do I feel like a mistake, when I haven’t done anything wrong to be like this?

I want to feel okay again.. But every single night, I am in tears, Just thinking of how bad I believe I am.. 

And it’s not okay. But I don’t know how to break this 6 year cycle. It’s been like this for ages. It’s not even term 3, and I’m already depressed and anxious. Normally its towards the end of the year that I get this bad... But not this year. Maybe I’ll get worse than last year, and actually do things I regret this year. I hope not. I most definitely hope not. 

I’m not okay. Nikki sees it, in my text messages. Only 1 of my leaders see it, and that’s because I tell her “I’m Fine”. My friend sees it, but only because she knows how to make me talk, in a gentle way. My other leader, is tough. Without meaning to, but she still is tough. And that’s also what makes me reluctant to talk to her sometimes. I just don’t know what to do anymore.. 😢😰😣😖

[xXLexi_Lou122Xx]

I am safe, and I will fully reply to everyone else’s posts tomorrow.