TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me
Hi everyone
I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders.
Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life.
It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.
I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone.
My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..
Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me.
I don’t think I will make the mask, but I’ll still get the one I want for the transport part of school. But it’s apparently really easy to make them, so I might start making some as an activity to sell to others. It still depends on how well they’d turn out though.
Hehe, yeah. I managed to make dinner without a problem, but because it involved using warm water, it hurt my finger. 😞 so I had use my left hand, which is not my dominant hand.. I got there in the end, so its all good. I also bought chocolate milk to go with dinner, so we definitely enjoyed our dinner, despite a few complaints from my youngest siblings.. 🙂
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx Ouch! I hope you're not in too much pain now. 
I hope the blood test results turn out fine.
I hope so too, seeing as its for my iron levels. Hopefully I won’t be anemic for much longer! 🙂
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I hope your iron levels are good too! 🙂
I get to have an ultrasound on Monday and my family was taking bets on whether they will find more stones. 
Haha, that’s funny that your family did that! When my dad was having dizzy spells, my family kept saying that he was just copying me! 😛
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx That's so funny! I feel like the same thing happens in our family. Whenever I complain about my eyes, my dad and uncle also say that they are having problems with their eye at the same time. I think we all have the same condition in different degrees and we get triggered by similar things.
My grandma also has to be the sickest person, even when there is nothing wrong with her. So if we are sick, she also says she is sick. She never says she is well. We have all been told we have to have surgeries but I've never seen her have a general anaesthetic in my life. My dentist said she's doing better than us all.
Oh gosh, your grandma seems more like an attention seeker to me...
But that’s funny how you dentist says that. XD
Hahaha you're right @xXLexi_Lou122Xx! She's always been like that. She hasn't even said a word to me since I had my surgeries despite her living with us (I think she was jealous). She mostly only talks to us to complain or if she wants something. Because my other family members have been at home more often, she asks me for help less though. Which is kind of good because she would drive me crazy when I was the main person caring for her. It's hard for me to explain to people, but she's not a 'typical' grandmother and we've never had a mutual caregiving relationship.
It's so funny! My dentist recently pointed out that she started seeing her more than ten years ago and finds herself amazed that she still has her teeth and is still going with no major health issues. I think that when my grandpa died before I was born, my parents were expecting her health to go downhill and that she wouldn't last very long without her husband, but it's been more than 25 years since then now.
Hello @WheresMySquishy, it is great to see the support that you and @xXLexi_Lou122Xx have been giving to each other! It sounds like you have a unique relationship with your grandmother. It is good to hear that her health is okay ! 
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx Just letting you know how amazing you are we are so lucky to have you here on the forums, you make it a better place
hugs!
OMG I just got my Facemask for the train!
I can't wait to post a pic! It's not hufflepuff, but it does have 'Mischief Managed' on it! 😄 I love it!!!! I can even put a filter in it... 😛
Oh @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, thanks for the update. I'm so sorry to hear about all the stress you've experienced recently. I am glad to hear that you've finally received a diagnosis to explain your symptoms, and that this provides a way forward for you. Also, good on you for standing up for your friend, and I'm sorry you got punished for that.
I hear lots of concern around failing at school. Please do try to be kind to yourself, and practice self-compassion, in the upcoming weeks. Try and do some things that relax you, and that you enjoy.
It sounds like your parents are being very supportive throughout all of this, which is lovely to hear.
Please keep us updated with how you go
I'm doing better, but my episodes seem to be giving me the vibe that I don't want to be in my life. That it's my way of escaping my current reality.
My diagnosis is a form of FND, But its dissociative seizures/syncope. It doesn't cause any damage to my brain, the only injuries I will sustain would be from falling suddenly or potentially dangerous surroundings.
anyways, it's essentially caused by all the stress, emotional overload, and intrusive thoughts that I internalise so much. From bottling all these things up, my body has no way of letting it out. So it decides to shut down and wait for a bit, no matter what length of time, and let it out that way. Which is why I need to see a psych about it, so we can find ways to manage it and even prevent them from happening.
But because of how toxic and hard my life has been these past few weeks, I've had longer and more worrying episodes. This just tells me more and more that my body is saying 'no, this isn't helping you. you need to get out of this situation now', kind of thing. Then shuts down.
On the upside of this week, my mum spoke to my strings teacher and I'm going to potentially start up again next term. I still don't know, because I need to focus on my work, considering that I'm failing most of my subjects. But I'll decide when I get to that point.
Yeah, my friend really appreciated it. I even told her that I would always stand up for her when things aren't okay, because that teacher aide was being so unprofessional. I'm tempted to tell that teacher aide that she's lost the privilege of calling me Lexi. Now she'll have to call me by my full name, because I'm so disappointed in her. But she can get told that when she actually speaks to me again.
yeah, twice in an hour is really exhausting, considering that I always wake up more tired than before. The same happened for yesterday, but longer. Oh well, I'm okay now. I just have to get my assessments done, and I'll be okay. 🙂
I actually got in trouble for it, I was supposed to have 2 afterschool detentions for it. But my mum and dad sent my deputy an email that included MY recount of what happened, and also stood up for me, saying something along the lines of "I've been taught all my life to stand up to harassment/bullying, and not be bystander. But here I am getting punished for doing what should be celebrated."
I know he got that email, and I'm not sure what's going on for my punishment, but I haven't even been issued 1 detention yet... my punishment was lessened by 1, but after that email was sent and read, I don't know what he'd decided to do. Hopefully it changed his mind, because I could never say something like that to his face without feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing.
Anyways, I passed out again yesterday... I was out for 2 hours this time... Or at least I think I was. I went up to the sick bay, and lay down and suddenly went out when I was on the bed - which was behind a cupboard, tall and wide enough to conceal where I was laying and potentially in danger - but I don't know how long I was out for. I think it might have been an hour, and I may have had one of my few seizures, because I woke up in a weird position from when I went out. So I decided to lay on the floor, and then went out again. I think that was an hour as well, but I'm not sure. I don't think anyone saw me or knew anything about my first episode, and then I don't think they knew anything about my second one until the last 20 or so minutes. And all of this is because they don't check on me when I'm in the sick bay, and they don't have a camera in there either, so they can't see me on the cameras. Thank goodness my deputy has decided to order a camera and an iPad to hook up to it, so they can see me and keep an eye on the other people who go in the sick bay.
I hope they get it soon though... I've been having lot's of episodes, 2-3 times a week...
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
How are you going today?
I'm so sorry there is so much going on at school, how the teachers aide and strings teacher have responded is really upsetting and disappointing 
Good on you for standing up for your friend, you sound like a really good support for your friend.
It sounds like you're feeling really relieved to have a diagnosis, I'm so glad to hear that you've got some answers. Fainting twice in an hour must have been really full on and exhausting, I hope you're feeling better asap @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx wow, I've just finished reading your story and I totally understand why you are feeling so frustrated with your school and your teachers. That's so ridiculous that your teacher aide was so rude to you and your friend, and refused to acknowledge hoe it made you feel. It honestly makes a lot of sense that you've felt like you've had a really tough week. I am hopeful that your next week goes a go a bit better too
I mean, they’ve helped me a lot, and they’re on my side, but it still hurts the way they don’t understand me.
I told my mum, even after she suggested talking to my strings teacher, that I wasn’t going back to music again. She just went, “Alright, its your life”. I know it is, but you don’t have to make me feel like its my fault that I’m missing a good opportunity. Or that I’m just making life difficult for everyone else. Because that’s what everyone is saying along those lines of tone or implied to me more than ever.
My episodes have been getting worse as well, my longest time being an hour. I’ve started having seizure activity, and the longest time I’ve been out for is an hour. Today was really bad, because I was super stressed, and part of my diagnosis is to do with stress. I was in the locker room, getting my English book, and then I suddenly collapsed on the ground. No one was there to help me, and I ended up lying there unconscious for an hour. I didn’t even make it to English. My teacher marked me absent, and that stuffed up the system, seeing as I was at school for the other sessions, and that made the admin ladies worried. They told my deputy, and he went looking for me. He searched the bathrooms, and then found me in the locker room. I woke up 20 minutes later, and then he brought me up to the sick bay. I fainted again after he went to talk to someone. Thankfully I wasn’t out for as long, but still, that’s 2 episodes in the space of an hour and a half...
Hopefully everything goes back to normal though... I’m already failing my subjects and stuff, so lets see what happens this next 7 days...
I was at string ensemble before school, and we got to the end of rehearsal. I told my teacher that I couldn’t make my lesson time that day, because I needed to be in class for assessment purposes. She said no, you HAVE to have a lesson today. So I decided to give up some drama time, and came to my lesson on time as normal. I am on time, but the others weren’t. So my teacher decided to use the time alone to work on some things that would be better, one-on-one. The problem is, I was trying to do all these things at once, that my teacher was telling me to do, and she kept bugging me about the things I was trying to fix while doing what she wanted. Then she takes my mumbling and not repeating what I said to her as disrespectful, and decided to give me 2 options. 1, I can go back to class if I was going to be rude and disrespectful, or 2, stay in the lesson and lose the attitude. For 1, I didn’t have attitude, I was just trying to make do with what I was able to do, considering my physical abilities are slightly hindered, and the fact that I was missing precious class time. I decided to pack up and go back to class, because I knew i needed to be there. And I also knew that if I failed my subjects, I was going to get kicked out of the music program. But my teacher then said, “You do know that if you follow through with this decision, it will jeopardise your position in the music program”. I said okay, because I really couldn’t deal with it right now, and i was going to get kicked out anyway, if I didn’t get back to class.
That really hurt, because I felt like I was being treated poorly for things that I couldn’t control. So I left, and my strings teacher did up an incident report that is somewhat fake. Most of what she wrote was not true, and got me in trouble for my needs not being met. It’s so so so stupid.
I had a conversation about it later with the head of music, and she said she wasn’t siding with anyone, but teachers automatically side with teachers a little bit anyway. So I’ve made a huge and difficult decision, that I won’t go back to doing instrumental music. It may be what I live and breathe, but I can’t go back to a toxic environment like that.
What’s worse, is that I’m expected to go back and apologise for MY bad behaviour, by both of the teachers. But I didn’t have bad behaviour, its just the way my ASD brain was overloaded and trying to get what was required of me and what my teacher WANTED from me. So it came across as rude and disrespectful.
That’s why I’m not going back, even though my deputy principal and the head of arts and well-being wants me to go back as well. I can’t help but feel like I’m letting everyone down by taking care of myself and my education first. Even if I did just decide to stop doing what I love most, and still being banned from sports...
So, I’ve been put on detention for 1. Standing up for my friend, instead of being a bystander, like I’ve been taught all my life is bad if you’re a bystander. And 2. Apparently being rude and disrespectful to a teacher who was clearly treating me with disrespect first.
I thought that being a bystander was bad, but here I am, getting punished for something that should be celebrated. Stop bullying, how about stop putting down those that are actually doing something about it? Maybe then bullying won’t get to where it is now.
I’m going to make a change to the school system one day. Even if it costs me my life and all of my time and effort, I will make school fairer in that way.
Even if everything is against me at the moment...
The main upside, I finally have a diagnosis of my condition! I have got a condition that exists, I’m not the guinea pig of some new illness/condition! I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say what it is here, but it’s great to at least have an answer that will lead to further treatment!
Now for the big, hard, long, sad story of the last few weeks...
I have been put on detention for standing up for someone who was getting pissed off by a teacher aide. This teacher aide was being unprofessional, by poking my friend with the lead part of a pencil. This teacher aide also took my friend’s drawings off her, and started to look at them. This isn’t as bad as what she did next. The teacher aide then made to read something off one of the drawings, which wasn’t actually on the drawing. The teacher aide said, “(Insert name), will you go on a date with me?”. This is outrageous, because my friend did not actually write it there. This dude “On the paper”, was actually sitting behind my friend and kicking her chair repeatedly. This was also pissing my friend off, and when the teacher aide read that out, my friend got up and left. She literally said, “I’m out”, and left. The whole time that this was going on, everyone could clearly see that my friend was getting pissed off. She was telling the teacher aide to stop, asking for the drawings back, and obviously just didn’t want to deal with that shit that day. I also attempted to tell the teacher aide to stop, because that’s not okay at all. I was also getting pissed off, 1, because there were 2 boys squishing me between my desk and theirs, repeatedly, and 2, that teacher pissed off my friend. That teacher aide was actually someone who helped me with my mental health and stuff. But she suddenly turned on me after this incident. After the boys pushed me over the edge, I yelled as loud as I would dare in a class, “Can you stop?!”, and walked out. The teacher then said as I was leaving, “Look what you’ve done now”. This whole time, the class wasn’t listening and just not doing the work. This class i was in, is an after school class for the failing students. I don’t want to fail, because I don’t want to be in that class anymore, but oh well.
I walked away and got a drink, then walked back. There was only 5 minutes until we were allowed to leave, so I waited until everyone had left to get my stuff. The boys were spoken to, so i got an apology. Instead of accepting it, i said, “You will be sorry”. This was meant to be implied as ‘one day you will be where i am now, and finally understand what its like’, not as a threat. Then, I said to the teacher aide, “I am pissed off with you, because you pissed off my friend. You had no right to do that, and whatever else you did to make her pissed”. The teacher aide’s excuse was so poor, i couldn’t believe it, coming from her. She said, “I don’t teach/support her in anyway, i don’t know her, i didn’t know I was pissing her off”. That’s so stupid, and a load of bull crap. Everyone could see my friend was getting pissed off, and it just shows how immature that teacher aide really is.
But here’s the catch:
The next day, I had a really, really, really, really, REALLY, shitty day. I’d just had an argument with my strings teacher, even though I was the one getting mistreated by her. She essentially kicked me out of my lesson, But I’ll explain after I finish this story.This also made me feel worse, because I thought I was at fault. Anyways, I had just gotten to tutoring, after school, and my teacher was late. He had crossing duty or something, so he didn’t get to help me at tutoring until there was half an hour left. He arrived, and we did 15 minutes solid work. Then The teacher aide comes over and has the AUDACITY to say, “SoRrY tO iNtErRuPt, BuT I NeEd To TaLk To YoU lAtEr AbOuT hOw YoU tHrEaTeNeD mE aNd AlL tHaT yEsTeRdAy”. THE AUDACITY IS ATROCIOUS! I am trying to focus on doing science, SO I DON’T FAIL MY EXAM, and yet she comes over and makes me start panicking about what I apparently did to her. So here I am, trying to stop panicking and focus on science, and that means that I’ve just lost information and focus I needed to maintain for that 30 minutes I should have been focussing on. Fun fact I learned this week: It takes 24 minutes to refocus for every 2 minutes you are distracted/switch activities. Telling me something that could have waited, is going to set me off on a panic spree and make me feel worse about the entire day!. It’s just not fair... My science teacher is good though, he tried to tell me to forget what the teacher aide said and focus on science. He tried, but I still couldn’t quite focus after that...
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx,
It must be so difficult to have to give up your exercise, particularly as it seems to be an outlet for you and supports your anxiety. It sounds like your friend cares for you very much and sometimes it helps to be childish lol. No matter what age we are, embracing our inner child can keep us young. 
It sounds like you have had a massive leap forward with your mother. It's so great that she is able to understand you and it seems like you really had the sense of being heard. I hope you have more luck with your next appointment and you are able to see a person that is a better match for you.
It's amazing to hear about the musical and that you will get an extra week of work experience. It sounds like a great opportunity to be a part of and seems like you will gain much helpful knowledge around productions and assessments. I'm so happy that you have things to look forward to.
