TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.
okay...
So I have been struggling with Permanent Scars that only I could see, and now I haven't been able to control my balance of health.
I keep overworking myself, without meaning to.
And now... I feel like I've lost my real me all over again. I can't help but listen to Paralysed. I can't stop. Maybe that's what is making me like this. I don't know. But whatever is going on, I want it all to stop. I can't help but feel completely emotionless. And when I get to school on Monday, well... People will start asking if I'm okay...
I want to be okay. But I just want to be vulnerable right now.
Except for the fact that I have no one to be vulnerable with. I can go to youth group tonight, and have someone to hold on to for a bit, but I just don't have the motivation to get my chores done for me to go at all.
I feel like a disappointment. There is two leaders I can go to, if I go to youth group tonight. But I feel like I can't be vulnerable there either...
I don't know what to do.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx it seems like the worry about the health issues has slowly gone down for you and you are focusing on how your friend is feeling about themselves at the moment. It sounds like you wish you could help your friend see the person you see when you look at her. I'm wondering, since you said that you have moments of self-hate, how would you want a friend to be with you when you were feeling this way?
Yeah, and I'm glad that the nurse let me decide if I wanted to do that test or not.
It is a bit of a scary thought to have, but I realised when I got that particular test done, that it wasn't a big deal. It was an ECG that I had to get done, and that just looks at my heartbeat, to see if anything is wrong. Then I did a respiratory test (lung test), and that had an interesting, not scary result too.
I don't mind blood tests. I mean, I'll watch the blood get drained from my arm, and be fine.
I do have to hold-off on sports, but not my HPE classes. It is a sporty class, but my gp said that's okay. And yes, until after the neurologist.
But, I'm not really worried about that anymore. My friend, who is small and skinny, is saying that she looks like a stick. I told her that's not true, and that I went through a stage of self-hate towards myself too. I still do. I hate that she's saying this, and I can't find a way to tell her, and make her believe it's not true.
I'm seeing her at school today, and I'll talk to her about it then. Emailing is not the best option.
A lot of people get worried when they have tests.. I wouldn't say that I *like* blood tests but I don't really mind them... for some strange reason. Just so I understand, do you just have to hold off on sports (or just running races?) until after the neurologist? Thanks for sharing all of that by the way 
Yeah, I sorta slept okay last night. I woke up a couple of times, because my body was hurting in various places, but I was fine apart from that.
I got today over and done with. Let's just say that.
I did those tests after school today, and the results weren't terrifying. My heartbeat is a little weird, but the doctors weren't worried. I also got tested on my lungs, and it turns out that I was better after I had some "ventilation", I think it's called. So I could have a possible asthmatic reaction when I pass out, but I can still do the things I love. Except for running cross country or more than 100 m without a break, and food.
I'm yet to do another test, I'm not sure what, and I have to see a neurologist too. After that, I may be able to do those running races. But then again, those things aren't until next year anyway.
I also got my last vaccination, until I'm 15/16. I'm glad that's over. The nurse that did my tests today, wanted to check my blood sugar; and to do that, she had to prick my finger. I passed on that one. I have had enough needles for one week. First my blood test, then my needle, and close to doing a pricking in my finger. Not happening this week!
Anyways, I'm doing okay. I still feel a little sad, but I think there's one person who can make it better.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx 🙂
I'm sorry to hear yesterday was pretty crap, and that someone tried to take your part. Did you manage to sleep well last night? Is today going better than yesterday?
I guess I have come through a lot...
Yeah, I know that feeling. I normally do, and when I do pass out, I usually get haunted by it for a long time in the carers perspective after the episode. Which sucks, but I try not to think about it.
Yeah, he could be. But he is obviously doing it so that I go and report him. But I don't. I don't have the time. But I'll email my year co, and tell him that has been happening. The boy will get a punishment to suit him alright.
I guess I'm not really too worried about it, just at the back of my mind.
I have definitely not googled anything, but I can only imagine not being able to do the fun things I do, like sport, if I do actually have a problem causing me to pass out.
I'll be okay some time though...
I really don't think I can be okay in my own arms. Obviously, everyone needs a person to talk to. And my person probably doesn't exist when I need them. But oh well. I'll live. If nobody can be there for me, then I have to live with that. I can't change what people can and can't do.
Today was absolute crap.
My classes were loud and inconsiderate of other people, and rehearsal was the crappiest of all.
Yet another person tried to take away my part in the final number. It hurts a lot, when they don't talk to the choreographer and person who got that part first. Especially when they say to the person who got the part
"Oh, and by the way, we're replacing you with such and such, because they can do it 'better' than you".
I'm probably better than the other girl, and no one has the right to take away another persons part without asking. I know that she isn't the teacher, but I still feel bad. The girl that told me this, is a lead role for this production. All the leads, except for the main lead, think they can change whatever they want. Because they're seniors. They are complete ass holes.
But apart from those terrible events, I had a recall blood test, and got to have a nice breakfast with my mum before school, after the blood test. We went to the bakery, and got a mock cream and jam donut. I got an Iced Coffee too.
That's about all I've got for today, even though I rambled on about the bull crap people do. 😕
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx ,
Sounds like there's a lot going on for you at the moment. I can imagine that would be super overwhelming but I know you have the strength to push through, you've been through so much and always come out the other side!
It can be super difficult when you have to get tests done. I know I always think of the worst possible conclusion and freak myself out. There is always the possibility that the worst will happen, but there is also the possibility that it won't. I try to remember that me worrying about it is not going to change a single thing, so I'm better to try and get on with things (this is hard but I promise it becomes easier with practice!).
Urgh, that kid sounds super annoying. It's not your fault for taking what this kid said the dirty way, and your ex-best friend shouldn't blame you for "taking things the wrong way". Do you think it's possible this kid is saying these things to get a reaction out of you?
I'm sorry to hear about you passing out and the possible health conditions you are worrying about, that does sound really scary 😞 I think @Maddy-RO is so right in that technology and treatments are advancing so mindblowingly quick that it's amazing to see how much of a normal life many people with different conditions are able to live. Also I agree that in such cases it is so so hard for our minds not to go to the worst case possible, but I think it can help so much when we try our best to not think about anything more than the facts we currently know! For example try looking back on 1 time when you thought something was going to happen and then something completely different happened! These things can happen daily with even little things and we realise after that we assumed the worst and the outcome turned out so far off from what we thought!
Usually in most cases I find the worst outcome actually has the smallest chance of happening and everything being okay is much more likely! But overall, I find trying to keep in this positive mindset helps a lot because I realise there is nothing I can do before the outcome is known and putting myself through that stress the days or weeks before I end up regretting because I could have enjoyed that time doing other things!
Do you think this might help you too? And try not googling things!! Hope today has been better xx
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
It can so scary when we don't know what is happening with our health. That is something I can really empathise with as I have been through something similar. It can be hard NOT to think of the worst case scenario... especially if there is potential of losing the ability to do things we enjoy, such as exercise. I guess a positive is that science is really advanced these days. There are lots of effective treatments for many different conditions. Lots of people with certain conditions are able to live perfectly normal, and high-quality lives 
Also, at this stage the doctor is only speculating and it might not be anything that bad. So, I know it can be hard, but maybe try and avoid thinking the worst if possible. We are here to support you Keep us informed with how you go!
Hey @Puppies026.
Yeah, these feelings are tough, but I’ll get through them in a year or so.... 😔
I’m doing okay, but there are some possible health conditions that I need to be tested for. When I last passed out, my blood pressure wasn’t low. Or at least, I don’t think it was.
I went to see my gp about my upcoming blood test, to get the referral. She read my blood pressure, and it was fine. So now she’s taking in other possible conditions.
Like a possible heart or lung problem. Or something to do with my brain. I’m a little scared, because if something is wrong with any one of those, I probably won’t be allowed to run or play sport again.
And I’m still only young. I’m so scared about my future, and how limited I will be.
But that’s all that’s worrying me right now. Except that I was yelling at a kid who keeps saying
“You got a friend in me”
From Toy story. And he says literally afterwards.
What was really hurtful, was that my ex best friend said that I didn’t need to scream at him, because he keeps saying that, and it’s my fault for taking it the dirty way. It’s not my fault that she was in my business. Besides, she didn’t need to talk to me at all anyway. And he says that phrase all the time. Obviously she doesn’t know that, but it still hurts, because she was the one who broke our friendship.
That’s all for tonight.
Just wanted to say hi and check in though and see how your day has been going? 🙂
Thank you @Jess1-RO.
I... I kinda wish I could feel it. But everything seems so sad and empty right now.
Yeah... I guess I will feel okay in my own arms one day too.
One day...
I'm sorry to hear you don't get to see the person closest to you often Those relationships where you can be your authentic self, no matter how you feel on the day, are so special
I have faith that you will find a way to be okay in someone's arms, but also be okay to be in your own arms and feel self love too 🙂
Yeah, seeing her was better than nothing. But I do wish we could’ve snuggled up together, and talk. Let myself go. Feel okay in her arms.
But I’ll find a way to be okay in someone’s arms. One day. In maybe 10 years time.... 😔
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, sorry, I didn't mean to come across as not understanding.. when you said 'It’s not that I can’t confide in my friends, it’s the fact that I’m telling them that I’m fine, when I’m really not'.. I thought this meant that you could tell your friends and that they would understand but you were choosing not to.. hence I thought you might have struggled with the right words to use Now that you've clarified, I know more about why you can't/don't tell your friends.
It sucks that she was busy.. but it sounds like it may have been better than not seeing her at all? Or am I wrong here? 3 weeks can feel like a loooong while! She sounds really important to you.. how do you manage if you are unable to see her? Is this where your other supports help? It is great to hear that you do have alternatives It sounds like this experience with your friends has been painful, although you are using it to motivate yourself. That is a really brave and strong thing to do
Hey @Taylor-RO.
It wasn't so great, because she was busy, being herself. But it was nice to see her again, after 3 weeks.
It wasn't really an idea, I guess. It's like having one special person who understands you, and you can confide in when you need it most. Just one person, that you can snuggle up to, and let yourself go, emotionally and mentally. I've done that once, and that was a long time ago. It felt so good, letting myself go, and become relieved of the weight I had on my shoulders. A mentor in a way, but someone closer than that.
I do actually have other supports, but for this occasion, I need my special person. She's the only one who knows me, and has been there for me - more than my former mentors and friends.
This part, nobody understands.
I Cannot tell my friends. 
They never understand me in the first place. They just interrupt instead of listen. They think of themselves more than of others.
I don't understand why nobody will comprehend this.
No, it's not that I can't find the right words to say, it's just that no one understands. They say they do, but they really don't. Which is why I want to be a psychologist, so that teens will know that I felt that way. They can be supported in the way that my supports never could support me.
I also know that life has it's ups and downs. I experienced that from the day I was born. And since I was diagnosed with this stupid Chronic Illness.
That is great that your person was there @xXLexi_Lou122Xx. What gave you this idea of wanting to have a 'person'? It can become difficult to depend on one specific person.. in fact, when they are not there, we might become distressed and feel like we can't cope without them. For this reason, it can be better to have a support network rather than just a person. What do you think about thi
Have you ever thought about telling your friends that today you are actually not fine? Honestly, everyone has days where they don't feel fine. It can be a very brave thing to admit and that is probably the scary thing about it.. but life is full of ups and downs for every person. Are you struggling with the right words to say?
My person was there. Probably because it's the first week back.
But she was busy with her nephews. And the next best leader I can be with, has a teenaged mind and hangs out with the younger people in year 7.
I have got friends there, but not ones I can talk to.
I sat down and did some drawing, but I think I could've been more active.
It's totally ok to not be fine, and real friends will understand that
It's amazing that you're getting prepped for the future! Can never start too early, the time will definitely fly 
It's great that you have a good idea of what you want to do, with so many options as well. I still have no clue what I want to do yet!
I hope you have a great time at youth group tonight, even though your go-to person won't be there. Maybe think of it as an opportunity to make a new friend?
It’s not that I can’t confide in my friends, it’s the fact that I’m telling them that I’m fine, when I’m really not.
Thank you for the advice though.
Thank you. I still have a fair few years to go, but I’m trying to start now, and get prepared for a better life in the future. It’s either a psychologist, or something to do with performing arts or teaching in that area. Or child care.
I’m nearly ready for youth group tonight, even though my go-to person won’t be there. I’m currently listening to a song on repeat that’s giving me sad emotion, but it’s a way to let out how I feel.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
I saw your post about how you were feeling in another thread and I thought I would respond to your post here. It sucks that you're feeling this way. Some people can be really mean and say really awful things. It is understandable that you didn't feel comfortable confiding in your friends. Sometimes it is easier to just say you're fine than open up to others. But bottling things up is not always helpful, especially if you hate lying. Have you tried telling your friends how you feel before? They might be more understanding than you think.
Also I think it's really great you want to be a psychologist. I also study psychology, and it is a really great degree, don't give up!
Oh... I kinda forgot to put in that they found me, I didn't find them. But I'm glad that they found me standing there alone with a sad face.
I'm really sorry @Jess1-RO. I just can't feel anything. I did exactly what @Tiny_leaf said not to do. My friends knew something was wrong, but I said that I was fine. They left me alone after that, but I hate lying. I know I'm not okay, but my outside self just won't show it. I really can't last much longer.
Here is a video that my former chaplain sent me, that she thought I needed. I can't. I know what I need. But I'll never get it.
I... I can't.
I just need one person in my life, that will never leave me. or at least help me find someone to lean on when I need to. I just need one person.
Just one! is that too much to ask for?!
I can't do this any more. I don't know who I am any more.
(I am safe)
Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx,
I am so sorry to hear how much pain you were feeling yesterday. Finding such heartbreaking comments on the walls would have been upsetting- no one should have to read comments like that
How are you feeling today? Were you able to use any self care or coping strategies last night to work through the heavy feelings?
It is really good that you went and spoke to the teachers when you were feeling upset Super proud that you sought support straight away, that was a really great decision
Until I got to the bathrooms to change for rehearsal...
I went into the cubicle that I know has the most light, and helps me see where my clothes are for the next thing. As soon as I start changing my top, I see words underneath the ones from last term.
If you don't know what last term's words were, here they are now.
"xXLexi_Lou122Xx is a slut"
Here are the new ones.
"She so fat".
I'm feeling very empty right now. And my special teachers and teacher aides who know me, tried to help me see that isn't true. But I feel completely empty. I was crying for a while, IN REHEARSAL, and after I got back, I just felt empty. Now I feel like nothing matters anymore.
I know @Tiny_leaf said not to put a complete mask on in one of my other threads, but I can't help it. I can't let the others see how I really feel.
