TW Struggling with cycles of self esteem, self hate and self improvement
I want to be better. Just... kinder, smarter, stronger, more skillful. Better.
Everything I do, I'm correcting myself. I'm desperate to improve.
But... my version of self improvement can be... brutal almost.
Sometimes it borders self harm. Sometimes it slips into self harm without me even realizing; so subtly that I forget what it is.
My self esteem seems so delicate.
Like it's dependent on me constantly improving, constantly working.
And I'm scared that everything that I actually like about myself came from treating someone like shit.
Even if that someone is just me.
I'm so used to being in pain. I'm scared that I'll never let myself stop being in pain.
I think it might be the only thing that motivates me now.
And I hate how well it works.
Like... what happens if I only get close to being a decent person if I'm cruel to myself?
Are my choices to never be happy with who I am, or never be pain-free?
I'm hurting and confused and I don't know if anyone can even help.
I don't know what to do.
It's like I'm moving so quickly and yet getting nowhere.
I don't know why I'm writing this or what I'm hoping for or even if this makes any sense.
What the fuck am I meant to do.
@Tiny_leaf I see. 
If you want to attend the program and they tell you you're not eligible, could you argue that you're at risk of developing signs of psychosis? They say that people who are at risk of psychosis can be enrolled in the program on the website here. There is also a brochure about it that recognises that some people with depression can also have psychotic features. It could be that maybe they don't have the resources to treat everyone and are only treating people with psychotic disorders like schizophrenia right now. Another option could be to find one that treats both depression and psychosis, but not all do. You might have to enquire about it if you're keen on attending the program.
There is also another program called OnTrack Get Real that is designed to help people cope with hallucinations. It's free and online. It could be an option if you want to do a program, but don't want anyone to know or don't want to see anyone in person. I get what you mean about wanting to avoid compulsory treatments or hospitalisations, not to mention dodgy therapists.
@WheresMySquishy huh.. I have that brochure at home somewhere, but I didn't think that the actual program included people with what I have. If it does than the people assessing me delayed my treatment by a year or so. Again. 
Fuck this..
At least I have a fancy diagnosis now that I can show them, rather than just saying "well it's not epilepsy probably"
It's worth another try though, it might let me get away from my current psychologist who spent like half the session asking about, criticizing and re-making my plans for completely unrelated stuff.
She also told me I'm too anxious to be raise or help train my service dog, and has an excellent way of making me feel like a burden.. 😔
You are definitely not a burden though, and if you're psychologist is trying to make you feel bad that really is not okay for them to say that.
@not-an-otter @WheresMySquishy thank you both.
I've got a bit of a plan now at least..
I had the second appointment with my new psychiatrist today; I was almost speechless when I realized that my doctor actually knew much more than me.
Which then reminded me that doctors are kinda... meant to have a wider medical knowledge than their patients so... I think I need to find some new, less horribly frustrating doctors who I don't have to keep correcting.
Hopefully headspace lets me in this time...
Thanks for sharing your experience with medical professionals. It is insightful to read and I am sure it helps a lot of people who may be reading!@Taylor-RO 😂 thank you for that reminder about punctuation!
I meant Headspace, as in:
I was referring to the organization letting me into their early psychosis program, rather than my own mental state, but forgot the capital H.
hey @Tiny_leaf,
I just wanted to check in with how you're feeling right now? You mentioned in your previous post that you have a plan for what to do if your symptoms persist. It's really good that you have such a clear idea of what you want to do if your symptoms persist. I just wanted to check if you're family or someone else close to you in real life knows that you are currently hearing voices, so that they can look out for you if have any issues with either riding out your symptoms or getting yourself to the emergency department
@Andrea-RO not brilliant.. too much has been going on and I had an appointment with a not so helpful psych....
Um.. I don't know if I explained it properly...
Basically going to the ED for my hallucinations means that I have the awful experience of said hallucinations in the back seat of the car, wait for hours to be admitted, peeing into a cup to prove that I'm not high and/ or pregnant, having my panic attack being extended by a heap of strangers asking questions I often can't answer, and then being discharged at 3am after receiving absolutely no treatment.
It is an option, but not a good one because our health system can be slightly fucked when you have anything more complex than a broken leg...
I actually don't have a better plan if they come back other than crying under a blanket, and my parents normally just increase my distress...
@not-an-otter that's a really good question, thank you for getting me to think about that.
I don't think that there was any trigger though... it didn't make sense..
If it was voices, a strategy that sometimes helps is vocalisation- so talking, humming, whistling, listening to music or murmuring can often curb voices.
If it was noises, it can help to remember that they aren't actually there- there isn't anything necessarily "wrong" with you, lots of people experience noises that don't exist.
I agree with @WheresMySquishy Wikipedia is a great distraction, I hope it's still working for you at the moment
Hi @Tiny_leaf,
Thank you for taking the step last night to be open and honest with us about how you are feeling. We really value your trust in this community to reach out for support when you need to Reading through your post, I can see so much self awareness- communicating your thoughts and experiences around self improvement and pain is really hard, and I hope that by putting the words down into writing, you are able to feel a bit of the weight lift off your shoulders.
Self improvement and bettering ourselves is something that so many people here can relate to- sometimes we are our own toughest critics. But when it also coupled with pain and hurt, or the improving is impacting your wellbeing, speaking to someone about it is really important- you've already started taking that step here. I can imagine it must be incredibly hard to feel stuck between pain and being the person you want to be Have you had a conversation with anyone about this before?
Thank you @Jess1-RO.
And no..
This was my first time actually putting it into words.
I can't tell my friend, she finds stuff like that really triggering as it's something she's struggled with for a long time.
My parents.. won't understand, I don't trust the private psychologist I see (for various reasons), and all my time with the psychologist who I can trust is spent trying to sort out everything else I have to sort out.
I don't think that there's anyone irl who I can tell...
Hi @Tiny_leaf,
It is so brave of you to open up here about something so personal.
I hope opening up helped you yesterday. How are you feeling about it today? If you wanted to talk about it out loud to someone who isn't in you life have you considered Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800)?
I agree with @Jess1-RO in that it sounds like you have really good introspection and awareness which can be so useful. Just thought I would add that I have seen you around the forums and you seem like such a supportive person, I wanted to commend you for that as well 🙂
-Here if you want to talk
Tasi
@Tasi thank you.
Unfortunately I can't speak over the phone, and even though lots of people find KHL helpful, they tend not to come up with any suggestions I find useful for some reason..
The last person I spoke to essentially spent the forty minutes repeating what I was saying..
Instead of spending time on a new issue during your sessions, you could email them to let them know before your next session. Do you think this could work?
If this isn't an option, there's always the forums and people to chat to and give you advice.
Also, Reach Out has an article on self confidence here which might help;
https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-ways-to-feel-better-about-yourself
@not-an-otter that's a really good idea and one I hadn't thought of; the only problem is that she's a school psychologist..
I do have her email, but she's on holidays atm, and has to work with hundreds of students and parents, and organize events..
Emailing her regularly would just increase her already kinda huge workload. (yeah.. my school might be a little understaffed in some areas....)
Atm I think I'll just have to stick with the forums..
@Tiny_leaf ah I'm sad to hear you haven't found KHL helpful.
However the fact you are finding the forums useful is great!
Maybe you can always take @not-an-otter advice if you find urself needing more support 😊😊
