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TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

Hey. I don’t really wanna use my real name here atm. But I literally just joined and well I’ve always had this thought in the back of my mind of joining a forum and so I guess I did it. I’m here to see if I’m the only one who feels the way I feel essentially and I’m keen on making some friends and whatever there is if possible.

 

To start, call me S for now. I just turned 17 on the 14th and I’m a high school student and about to finish my first term of my Year 12 HSC course. I’m an emotionally sensitive guy and I overthink about everything lol. Essentially I’m here ‘cause...well im pretty lonely. Idk. I have so many great friends but I’m lonely in another aspect. Im well...gay. It’s not exactly comfortable for me to say that you see... I’m only out to my school and anybody relevant but no my family, except for my aunty.

I go to a public school, in year 9 I moved there from a religious school (another story lol) because of some other related complications. When I moved to my new school, there was never any “out” gay guys and everyone wasn’t exactly comfortable with the idea. So I was picked on, called every name in the book and within a day of going there, everyone knew who I was. I liked a dude, that spread and high school goes (sadly) and now that guy who was once my mate doesn’t talk to me. (Just a scope of how it is here).

I was once, at that stage in year 9...well...annoying. Annoying in the sense that I had no place to fit in so I roamed around and shouted my sexuality or anything relevant to it at whatever chance I could. I walked, talked and acted a certain way. Thinking that it was the way to go and I could fit in that’s way

now after two ears of toning down I’ve found my foundation and I know who I am I guess and I’m not that overly feminine guy. I have so many incredible friends who have been there for me through everything, my overly feminine phase and all. But idk I feel like everyone’s only there for me because they have to be or something like that and plus...since all the drama happened/happens (still get names and called out on occasions) I’ve had my guard up...and my guard is up because since there’s no one else gay at this school (one other, tried, he’s not my cup of tea) that I could connect with and having an unrealistic lust for someone I can’t have is more painful that having to understand the empty cycle i’m in. Every time I feel attracted to someone, I feel so fucking sad. Simply because I know that it would never be a reality to be with whoever that person is. It’s like every single day I walk into those gates and all that I feel is that constant pain of wanting something so much that you know you’ll never have. I know there’s someone for everyone apparently, but I’m finding so hard to go through this struggle. I’m really empty inside since my guard is up. I’m trying to focus on the things I love like Music but everything is falling victim to  the sad downfall. I see all my friends, sometimes even someone I’m attracted to, in relationships and stuff and I feel left out. It’s not that I want a relationship, but it’s just that I know that that whenever I feel something for someone it will never happen. Wanting someone so bad that you’ll never have them...it’s painful. On top of all that. I don’t think I’m entirely comfortable with being gay...at all. I feel like I have a disease or there’s something wrong with me. Like I’m incomplete or I’m not at all intended to be this way. Nobody really knows this which is I guess why I’m here. But I’m trying to hide that fact from anybody by acting with this really gay persona (if you will) which distracts from thinking about purposely hiding (it’s become a natural progression). At school, I’m known for being really open and loud and idk what else but you get the idea. Do you think it’s possible to end this? It’s getting tiring. I feel like I’m falling, into an endless pit and can’t get myself out. I just need to feel the exact opposite of everything above one day. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I feel so fucking empty. I hope to just feel even a tad supported and make some friends here. Don’t get me wrong I love all the people who love and support me at my school so much and I would trade them for anything. But I don’t feel like anyone understands me. Since I don’t know of any similar gays like me in my area. I don’t wanna have this overly gay persona anyone and I wanna know if maybe I could just stop it somehow (because it’s not really me I don’t think...) without constantly being sad.

 

If you read this entire thing, thank you so much. Sorry if there’s any typos. If you felt offended by anything I said I am sorry, as this was not my intention. Please forgive me. This is my first post and I’m new to this.

 

S

Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

@SS_X First of all, welcome to the forum! Also, thanks for sharing so much with us about your world and the struggles you've been facing. I can really see the sense of isolation in your situation. 

 

I'm guessing as you've said, part of that is finding a way to be comfortable with yourself including your sexuality. It's really sad to learn that you were picked on at the second high school and that you lost a mate from it all. If I can be blunt, it sounds like a toxic environment and if you're already feeling uncomfortable about being gay. With regards to feeling like somehow there's something wrong with you, I can absolutely see that being judged will only further compound this feeling. It's totally cliche BUT we really do need to find ways to continue to A get to know ourselves and B accept ourselves to the best of our ability. That's easier said than done isn't it? If you're feeling empty then it's hard to draw on your inner resources to feel good about yourself isn't it? It's not impossible but it takes work. Honestly, by talking the little steps like sharing with us here, you start to build those skills. 

 

So, amazing that it's like you have these different parts of yourself and your identity to cope in the world. I'm really glad you could lay it all on the table here even simply to say that you are gay and that not everyone knows and that you're not entirely comfortable with this in yourself. As far as we have come a a society to be more accepting and inclusive I think it's unrealistic to dismiss the fact that we still have a long way to go and that heterosexual men and women might take for granted the fact that they don't even have to give a second thought as to justifying or explaining their sexuality. So you're right, i think finding ways to connect and feel emotionally safe to be you is vital. 

 

As far as will it end (the persona of being loud etc) you know I've met and gotten to know some pretty expressive and charismatic personalities and one thing I've learnt is that they have other sides less publicly but that they still need to be expressed in a place where they feel respected and safe to be who they are. I'm speaking generally here of course. It's gonna take a while to find your feet but it's a journey worth continuing to explore. 

 

Lastly and not least can I just say Happy Birthday for the other day!! Sagittarius yay! 

Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

Thank youuuuu!! Means a lot that I got a VERY constructive reply. I agree 100% and thank you so much. I guess continuing on this journey and continuing to find out who I am won’t be so bad. Thank you for the birthday wishes as well!! Smiley Happy

Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

Heya @SS_X, I think @TOM-RO has covered a whole lot of helpful things. I just wanted to pop in and say that we moved your post to the Tough Times area of the forum. I am also going to add in a TW (trigger warning) to your post. These things are just to protect anyone reading your post to let them know that there are potentially sensitive topics inside this thread.

 

I know you have mentioned the support of your friends, is there any other support you have received throughout this? Is there any professional support that you access? QLife is an amazing professional counselling service and provides LGBTI peer support and referral for people wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings or relationships Heart

Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

Hi @SS_X, thank you for sharing your story with us, especially as it's something that's hard for you to talk about  <3
Being the only/one of the only gay people you know is so brutal, it feels so isolating at times and i'm so sorry you're experiencing this right now Smiley Sad It really does feel like you're missing out on what everyone else is doing, and i know it's cliche to say it, but that doesn't last forever. Just clarifying, were you saying you wanted to drop the persona, but are worried about how to cope without it?
Feeling like there's something wrong with you for being gay is really painful, and something that we're taught to think about ourselves, but man is it wrong. There's nothing wrong with you dude and you're not alone. Here for you xx

Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

Thank you so much. This “tough times” category sounds more fitting so thank you. I mean my friends are there for support but there’s never been anybody that’s “understood”. Most of what I’ve mentioned - I’ve never told another human being. Considering external help is a big decision for me. I will think about. Thank youuu

Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

Naw thank youuu!! I don’t exactly know how to drop the persona and I’m kinda fearful of the outcome...like idk if people will still see my the same...but then again if they’re really my friends they’ll accept me for me right? I don’t really know how I’ll cope with it. What I do want at least is just to be known for me and and who I am as a person like everybody else and not the only gay student in my school who acts like “this and that”. I’d prefer for it not be as obvious essentially. Because it’s not authentic to who I am. Thank youuuu

Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

Hi @SS_X,

 

It sounds like you have been on a real journey to find your authentic self- this is such amazing insight and self-awareness Smiley Happy 

 

I agree with what you have said that true friends are those that accept each other who they are Smiley Happy I'm wondering if you have a friend that you trust the most who you can try letting down the persona in front of and see how it feels? Sometimes it can be really helpful to start with one person who you feel will support you to build up the confidence. What are your thoughts?



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Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

Hmmm there is a few people. Maybe I could give it a try. Idk I just really don’t want it to be a big thing because I’ve just been this loud and open personality for so long that I don’t exactly know where to start
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Re: TW - sexuality - I’m new...stuff I’ve never told anyone...

@SS_X thank you for sharing your story with us - like @TOM-RO said coming onto ReachOut is a great step and I can see that seeking external help from an organisation like Q Life is a huge decision for you. Just wanted to reiterate what others have said - changing the way we act around others to reflect our authentic selves is tricky but your insight into this is really awesome and I can tell that you have heaps of self-awareness Smiley Happy