Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is common. It doesn’t matter if you have brothers or sisters, at some point you have probably been frustrated and felt like you were competing with each other. For some, sibling rivalry may only be a small thing, like perhaps you and your sibling get competitive over a video game. For others, sibling rivalry may be more sinister and deep-seated, like thoughts of one sibling being ‘the favourite child’.
So how do we deal with sibling rivalry? Having a healthy relationship with your siblings and with yourself seems to be the most important thing. However, this can be hard, especially when you are under the same roof. Sometimes, small things can make you frustrated and overreact. Your brother ate most of the dinner and didn’t leave you much when you got home from training, and all of a sudden this is more reason that he’s egotistical and selfish (instead of hungry and having made an innocent mistake). How do we overcome these habitual thoughts and grievances? Although Step Brothers was hilarious, it is probably not the best place to turn for guidance.
What are your experiences with sibling rivalry? How do you cope? What do you say to yourself and how do you keep a healthy relationship? Personally, I would suggest keeping everything in perspective and staying patient. For example, rating the level of importance from 1 (not important) – 10 (most important thing ever) can be really helpful. However, there are probably and million and one suggestions out there, and many more effective ones!
Join in this Monday (23rd June) to talk about sibling rivalry and share your thoughts, experiences, and strategies for maintaining a healthy relationship. Although sibling rivalry is common, there are likely a ton of individual differences and little idiosyncrasies. It would be great to hear your thoughts and to learn from each other about such a common but important issue!
What are some good ways to prevent conflicts with siblings, before they happen?
Suss the vibe! And avoid 'right-fighting'
Right-fighting is SUCH a good term! Does everyone have a rough idea of what it means?
I also think we kind of suck at fixing things when we're wound up. So if you're mad as hell about something, it might be a good idea to take a moment and then figure out what to do about the problem. Doesn't mean it's not okay to be angry, just pick a different moment to talk about it !
Don't poke the tiger with a stick!
Time for another one of my infamous double barrelled questions!
Rivalry is not for everyone. What are some tips to sort things out when you and your siblings have a tiff? What can you do to keep things friendly in the first place?
Rivalry is not for everyone. What are some tips to sort things out when you and your siblings have a tiff? What can you do to keep things friendly in the first place?
Part of me wants to say talk about it, but usually I find just moving on to be most helpful.
To keep things friendly, be aware of behaviours and topics that might upset your siblings. Understand how they work and act to play to their positives. Actually, definitely focus on allowing them to be succesful and use their strengths! Focusing on their positives can be huge
@tsnyder sometimes, talking about it can help because if it's something that's gone too far. Telling the sibling that "hey, you've crossed the line" can be a good thing because they'll hopefully not cross it again, or be more aware.
@N1ghtW1ng yeah thats a really great point, sometimes boundaries are essential to healthy sibling relationships
I mostly just keep my cool and ignore. But when he's leaning against the fence and he just leans a little too far it breaks, he falls in and my anger pours out. It's all over then.
I guess I could try to escape the situation, find a distraction, but that doesn't stop the "shadow of annoyance" when he's leaned on the fence and it bent a little but once he's gone, the fence is still bent and you gotta try and fix it but you're still pissed off and then every bit of the fence is bent and you're just trying to keep it up. It's been a few years. That fence looks like someone who is doing a push up over hot coals but still wants to eat the bowl of noodles underneath their face. (Yes, that was Kung Fu Panda :P)
I'm sorry, I've just gotten to that point where I'm done trying.
@tsnyder I understand what you are saying. I don't exactly "help" my bro behaviorally, more just with his school work kind of help (that I've also given up on) but also to get off his butt and do stuff ""help"". Which isn't really "help", more just be asking him nicely, and then yelling if and/or when he doesn't, to do it.
@N1ghtW1ng it sounds like he doesn't respond very well to you asking him to do stuff?
@N1ghtW1ng it sounds like you try to be a good sibling and guide him, but do you think it might help if you left it to other people to ask him to do stuff? That might take you out of the line of fire and might help your relationship in the long run?
@N1ghtW1ng @j95 for me space definitely worked wonders. The moment i saw my siblings once a month instead of every single day we became way better friends. Now that's pretty extreme, but i feel like just getting at least an hour or two of time each day to decompress (if possible is helpful).
I am interested that most of us are suggesting to get out of the line of fire, or just leave things alone. I am a little bit more like @N1ghtW1ng and try to solve all the problems and resolve all the conflicts. It has taken me a long time to learn that sometimes you just solve it by leaving it alone!
And sometimes I get him to do the dishes... that I may or may not of been told to do. But SHUSH on that last one! I just tell him he was told to, and if he says he doesn't remember, well who believes him? He hardly hears anything anyway. 😛
@N1ghtW1ng you ask for help doing chores!? You are brave! I get met with a big fat 'no' from my brothers! I feel like i would have more success if i said to them "please don't do the dishes under any circumstances".
To be honest though, I'm older and therefore I'll do it, they have their whole lives to do chores later on. Besides life gets hard enough, if taking a bit more of the load means a better relationship for the tough times, well that sounds pretty good
I DO other chores around the house, but I'm not a fan of the dishes, they're gross and dirty so I, technically I con him into doing them. But SHUSH! It's a secret. 😛
@Ben-RO I don't think so. I hate telling people that I'm a generally nice person because they laugh at me. They don't believe me, that I do things to help people, that I do want others want over myself. I don't always, especially when family is involved, but I do and sometimes it hurts that I can't tell family that but whatever, it's just one of the things I deal with. It's not something I'd ever tell my parents because I just don't want to have to deal with suspicious expressions.
I'm not the kind of person who just stands aside, especially when it's the people I love going through pain (the pain my parents go through struggling to get him up). It's just, they shouldn't have to go through that.
@N1ghtW1ng that means he has 3 people screaming at him all day, that's probably a bit stressful and also is clearly not working as far as changing behaviour goes. Just sayin
I get what you mean, and I wish I was the kind of person who could just leave it alone and sometimes I can and I just internally scream at everyone but sometimes, and when my mum gets into scream-mode, I can't take it anymore and tell my brother (sometimes nicely) to get off his hind and move.
Do your parents understand that's part of the reason why you get upset? @N1ghtW1ng
@N1ghtW1ng my heart goes out to you right now. It really sounds like you are hurting for your parents and that's such a tough situation to be in. As Ben-RO said, perhaps you could try talking to your parents about this?
I'm going to go against my own rule of not handing out advice right here, but maybe try leaving the disciplining and yelling to your parents? It doesn't sound like he has a soft place to land right now, and I know you're trying to help, but sometimes giving them that unconditional love and nurturing is huge. It might help remove strain from you, and help your relationship. After all, we are the siblings, and we are not the parents
What are some good ways to prevent conflicts with siblings, before they happen?
Run away. But seriously, get out of there. If you feel the conflict rising, and and early attempts to calm the situation fail, just leave.
Also, don't expect your sibling to do the right thing. If you feel the situation coming, you do something to spur it before it becomes something more. You're sibling might do the same, but don't expect them too because they might not and if they don't and you don't thinking that each other will, the situation will still happen. But if you do and they do thinking that neither of you will, the situation doesn't happen.
Good on you @N1ghtW1ng for being willing to give it a try! It might take some time but that's really mature of you!
And yeah peace out @Glass-half-full
Who are some people that you can talk to, if you're going through a rough patch?
