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Ask A Pro Live: Opening Up To Parents
Opening up to parents/guardians/carers about mental health can be a really tricky beast. When we want to tell the people that care for us what's going on, it can be so difficult managing reactions and expectations. Preparing for these conversations with parents/guardians/carers can sometimes help to make things go more smoothly, but what is the best way to do this? And how can we get ready for conversation number two?! What do you find hardest about having those conversations with your parents?
This month our Ask A Pro Live event is with the ever-delightful @Janine-RO ! As Janine is a parent herself and a moderator in the ReachOut Parents Forum (as well as here with the cool kids), we are thrilled to have her share her wisdom with us about how to speak to parents about mental health and our experiences. A bit more about Janine here:
Janine has been with ReachOut for about 8 months now. She's super passionate about mental health and has worked in disability research, community services and mental health amongst other things! She has 2 kids, an 11 year old girl and 3 year old boy, and raised her daughter as a sole parent for the first 4 years of her life. She probably stuffs up regularly as a parent but hopefully keeps learning every day.
We're going to be focusing on how we can talk to our parents/guardians/carers about what we're going through, making the most of these conversations and looking after ourselves if things don't go as planned.
If you've got a question for Janine be sure to ask it in the google form below!
Looking forward to chatting with you all LIVE on August 20th 7pm - 9pm AEDT
Thanks so much for this chat @Hannah-RO @Janine-RO! I've learned so much from everyone's insights. 🙂
This was a great chat tonight guys! It gave me some perspective of a parent's/caregiver's point of view 🙂
Just wanted to quickly jump off @Lost_Space_Explorer5 and say I love the letter writing idea too, as I said earlier I used to text my mum (and still do), I remember sometimes putting things like 'reply to this in chat, not out loud'. It can just be so much easier, whether it's allowing time to think (so not acting on immediate emotions), or the weight of the conversation not being so intense... it's just a nice alternative!
Oh totally @Hozzles @Lost_Space_Explorer5 , it's amazing what difference it makes, I actually can't remember where I first heard about the idea (I think I read it somewhere), but it really helps so much with those tough conversations.
I'm logging off now but just wanted to say thanks again, it has been really lovely chatting with you all!
I'm so bummed I missed this conversation!! I'm always missing the live chats 🙃
But thankyou so much for running it @Janine-RO and @Hannah-RO. I've just been reading through it all cause I've actually been thinking about opening up to my parents recently so this has been a great insight into some awesome tips!
Thank you so much for sharing it! You guys are awesome! ❤
Such a wonderful chat! Thank you so much @Janine-RO! and of course, everyone else who participated tonight!
Thank you all so much, it has been really awesome to be able to chat about this stuff. I learn so much every day being a part of this community.
@Hannah-RO thanks for doing such a fantastic job moderating, and your animal GIF game was exceptional!!
That kind of reminds me of how my psychologist told me that she sees a lot of parents who are stressed out at work and then take it out on their family @Janine-RO.
aaaahhh The Lovely Lorax @Lost_Space_Explorer5 !!!
That is so sad @WheresMySquishy what your psych was saying about parents taking out stress on their families but I can totally imagine it happening - I suppose I feel hopeful that some of those parents were seeing your psych which means they are getting support which might help
And yes @Hozzles its great you've highlighted the importance of privacy and confidentiality, it is such a crucial part of feeling safe when getting support. And major YES to acknowledging people's feelings ! Absolutely - if someone is upset by a joke, that is still a feel that had that needs to be acknowledged. And yeah sorrys are hard - I think they are another thing where practice makes perfect!
** Deep breaths**
Ok guys, I have to apologise because this answer is a bit of an essay! I also wanted to say that it's really important to have a chat with your mental health professional / treating teams about this one, because there's a lot of factors at play. So this advice won't fit every situation perfectly, but I've done my best to cover the main issues here. I would LOVE to hear other people's thoughts here too, it's a really complex question I think and what's right for one family won't be right for another...
Who's decision do you think it should be how involved a parent is in their child's mental health, or how aware of it they are, and are there any factors that influence this?
This is a really important question!!! Ideally, I think it should be the young person’s decision first and foremost – but there are a few factors that can influence that.
If you’re seeing a mental health professional professional like a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist then they should have a chat to you about confidentiality in your first session- and confidentiality is super important to building a trusting relationship and being able to talk openly about what’s going on for you.
One major factor that influences how aware your parents need to be about mental health/ treatment is your age- and the rules around that vary from state to state, you can check out the different rules around confidentiality, and when you’re considered what’s called ‘competent’ to make your own decisions around your health care here: I’ve just copied and pasted a few of the rules on this thread as well.
Automatic confidentiality
‘Automatic confidentiality’ means that unless you’re likely to be seriously harmed or your life is at risk, a doctor or other health professional is required by law to keep what you say private, even from your parents or guardian. The age by which you have automatic confidentiality rights is:
- 14 years and over in the Northern Territory
- 16 and over in New South Wales and South Australia
- 18 and over everywhere else in Australia.
Pre-automatic confidentiality
Even if you're below the age of having automatic confidentiality in your state, most things you say to a doctor, including things about sex, drug use and other difficult stuff, will generally remain private. The best way to know for sure is to ask the doctor, psychologist, counsellor or nurse at the beginning of a consultation or session what information about you will be kept private and what won’t
- The second factor is any high risk situations- if you’re under 16 and you’re at risk of serious harm to yourself or someone else, a health care professional will need to break confidentiality and either tell your parents/ carers, or make a child protection report. If you’re 17-18
Another thing to consider is if it would be helpful for your parents/ family to have a session with your counsellor or psych at all, so that you can talk over what’s happening in a safe space, only disclosing what YOU feel comfortable with- some people do find it really helpful to have their family know a bit more about what’s going on for them and the best ways to help support them. It can also help a lot with the anxiety and uncertainty that parents might be feeling about what’s happening – but it is totally up to you.
Finally – I feel like it’s important to acknowledge that some relationships with parents can be really tough, and even abusive. If that’s the case, it might be better for you to open up to another adult in your life, like a coach, school counsellor, teacher or a trusted older friend. Family dynamics can be really complex, and in some cases you may feel that it' not right for you to have your parents heavily involved with what's happening with your mental health - and the boundaries you set may also change over time.
So yeah, this stuff can be freaking complicated. But I'm a huge believer in young people being at the center of their own care and having choice and control over what is right for them.
Wow, I didn't know about some of that info @Janine-RO!
Sometimes, my parents can be really nosy when it comes to my health. My mum gets annoyed when I talk to a doctor by myself and don't ask the 'important' questions (according to her) so she insists on going to most of my appointments. My dad also wanted to know what I was saying to my psychologist, but I didn't want him to know and luckily my psychologist didn't disclose anything to him.
@Janine-RO wow! Such a good resource with such important info!!
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 that's such a cute analogy, I love it, haha.
Ahhh I feel that so much @WheresMySquishy! My mum insists on going to most of my appointments, too. It's so hard sometimes, because I'd like her to be aware of what's going on... but privacy and confidentiality is important.
I think this is a REALLY common experience, and I think sometimes parents can react with a lot of guilt/ shame/ feelings of failure when their kids are having difficulties with their mental health. I think trying to keep it as factual as you can, and focusing on what they CAN do to help you can be huge. So, “Mum, I’m not blaming you for this and I know you love me. I really appreciate all of your love and support. But when you criticise me about my school work it makes me feel really anxious, can we just check in once a week instead? I need you to trust me that I have it under control”. Focus on what YOU need from them. Mental health is really complex, and sometimes a bit more knowledge and awareness can help a lot. Sometimes it can be a real game changer for a parent to get their own support to help them through those feelings, and that’s something we suggest regularly over on the Parents forums. ReachOut do offer a free one to one support service for parents/ carers in partnership with the Benevolent Society which I would highly recommend to any parent who feels like they could use some support.
I think that focusing on what you need is a good strategy @Janine-RO. I think it's really easy to lose your temper without actually knowing or being able to explain what you want. It helps me to think about why I am feeling that way and what I want people to do for me.
Oh totally @WheresMySquishy , and hopefully it can help a bit in trying to help parents to focus on what you need, rather than feeling blamed somehow- and make it more about specific things that are helpful, than parents feeling like they've somehow "failed". Mental health is so much more complex than that!!!
Oh man, I think there are so many people who can relate to this one. I know I can – in the past when I was experiencing depression, I felt incredibly guilty and ashamed, and like there was something “wrong” with me for feeling the way I did. I hated that I was making my family worry . I think the stigma around mental illness has a lot to answer for here- if you have a broken arm, there’s no shame about going to the doctor to get treatment. You wouldn’t feel guilty for making people worry about that, and getting help for mental health issues shouldn’t be any different. Guilt and depression especially can really go hand in hand a lot of the time, and it can really make us spiral into some even darker places. So I think it’s important to try and catch yourself if you’re feeling guilty about making people worry.
I think it’s also important not to take on a feeling of responsibility for other people’s feelings – which I know can be easier said than done. By opening up to parents and other people in our life you’re really doing a brave and generous thing I think , you’re letting them know what is happening for you so that they can have more understanding and help to support you. I think that’s actually something to be really proud of. It’s really common and natural to have those feelings of shame and guilt, but try not to dwell on them too much.
With my parent hat on, I can 1000% say that I would never want my kids to feel guilty about experiencing mental health difficulties, or about opening up to us.
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 I'm glad the psychiatrist was helpful! 🙂 Like you, I also had a better experience when a psychiatrist explained my diagnoses and how I was acting to my mum. I felt like the psychiatrist really listened to me and wanted to help my parents understand too.
@Janine-RO I think that there is so much stigma around mental health. People seem to think it's normal to be depressed when you're experiencing some physical problems, but not others. I think that a diagnosis can be both a blessing and a curse. In some ways, it can be a good explanation but at the same time, my parents sometimes just pin a person's behaviour and thoughts down to them being 'crazy' or 'mad' rather than actually taking the time to think about why the person could be feeling that way.
I think that "diagnosis can be a blessing and a curse" is something that rings true for lots of people @WheresMySquishy - it can definitely help with getting the right treatment, but can also put us in a box.
omg @Lost_Space_Explorer5 that is so cute !!! What a lovely way to frame what good MH workers should do.
Absolutely right that bloody stigma has a lot to answer for! There is a great chat about mental health and stigma being had on this thread if anyone wants to check it out
Ahh, this one is a great question! I always feel bad for making people worry . I feel like there's also a chance of compassion fatigue too if it's long going, which is the worst...