Ask A Pro Live: Healthy Relationships November 2019

Hi everyone @inez1800RESPECT and I are getting ready to chat at 7 pm!!

We're talking about Healthy Relationships - so if you have some questions feel free to send some throughout the night.

I'm going to tag some people who might wanna join in tonight 🙂

@Hozzles @Alison5 @Sunflower18 @recharging_introvert @Maddy-RO @WheresMySquishy @xXLexi_Lou122Xx @Bee @TidalDecade 

We're going to kick things off by giving our guest @inez1800RESPECT a warm welcome to the community and getting into our first question. 

Tell us a little more about yourself and the work you do at 1800RESPECT?

hey hey!  thanks so much for inviting me to join the forum :).  I think you have a bit of a bio about me so I might just add to that.  I work with the counselling team at 1800RESPECT - where anyone can call or webchat about anything to do with sexual violence, domestic or family violence.  Could be for yourself or someone you're worried about (a friend or family member).  I've been with 1800RESPECT for 3 years.  Part of my role involves travelling around the country and meeting with people and services to see how we can improve what we do.  It's a pretty ace job!  I live in Perth and spend a great deal of my non-work time in the sea... and this is my first time on this forum so bare with me while I figure out where all the emojis are!

Hey @inez1800RESPECT Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us about such an important topic. Also, thank you for doing such an important job in the community - I know that a lot of people benefit incredibly from the work being done at 1800RESPECT. 

It sounds like self-care is an important thing for you to incorporate into your life so that you can do what you do!

What would you say is one of the most positive outcomes you've seen in visiting the services you do? 

thanks Bre.  I'm a big advocate of self-care - looking after yourself is the first step to being able to support and help others :).  I think for anyone trying to access support - whether that's for domestic and family violence, sexual assault, mental health, drugs and alcohol - the system can be so confusing.  For me, that's always been obvious both as someone that has worked in these areas and someone that's sort support for different things along the way.  You never know where to start or what to say.  When we are talking with people and they hear that they can contact us anonymously and that they might not be sure about what they want to talk about - that can be such a relief to someone.  No one knows what kind of help they want if they don't know there's help out there.... the most important moment I see, is when someone is able to say outloud (whether that's on the phone, webchat or face-to-face), hey - i'm not sure what's going on and i'm not sure if I need help, but I need someone to talk to.

I completely agree with you. I have also found accessing help confusing and confronting at times. I'm sure many people here totally relate to what you've said there! Your advice is really helpful though. There is power in saying you don't know what steps to take next but simply that you need someone at that moment  

It's really special when you find someone who is able to hold your hand in that process - whether that be a counsellor, friend or family member. 

That leads me to another question... 

What do you think the signs of a Healthy Relationship are? 

that's so true @Bre-RO .  I often say that we have the most difficult conversations with those close to us in the car... that way you don't have to look them in the eye when you're sharing how you feel.  Relationships look and feel different for everyone.  I always think - do I smile when I think of this person?  is there trust between us.  do I feel comfortable to be myself?  do I not feel judged or put down?  

We all have the absolute right to feel respect, love and care in our relationships - whether that's partners, friends of family members.  Even work colleagues, school mates (ok, probs don't want the love necessarily there but definitely the respect).  You can have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't your friend.  it's about accepting them as different to you.  in terms of close relationships, kindness, humour, care and curiousity are the big feelings I look for :).  

@inez1800RESPECT I think what you've said is so true! Especially around feeling like you are comfortable to be yourself. Being able to express who you are and what you feel to your close loved ones is really important. And so true!! I can also vouch for that, the car is a good place to have difficult conversations - as long as the driver is safe of course 🙂 

We had a question about friendships that we wanted to get your thoughts on...

What are the signs of a toxic friendship? 

great question.  and can be so hard to recognize when a friendship is toxic/ damaging.  often it takes a while to recognize.  if you find yourself feeling as though you put way too much energy into it, or you're making all the effort - that's a sign of a power imbalance (unless there's something else going on at that time, like your friend is struggling with depression or anxiety for eg). if your friend puts you down, disagrees with everything you say, teases you about your interests and tastes - that's not ok. 

there can be other things that are harder to pinpoint too - like putting you down or making fun of your other friends - to try and separate you from them.  all these things are a form of emotional abuse.  people might experience them in friendships, relationships, in families. 

@inez1800RESPECT it definitely can take a lot to recognise sometimes. I've found in a lot of cases a toxic friendship is one we may highly value, which is why we may look past the mistreatment, etc. I also agree with the power imbalances -- I can also see it from the reverse side, when the other person always wants their own way and makes you feel small.

Good point @inez1800RESPECT It can be hard at first to stop the warning signs that someone is overstepping the boundary from challenging you to putting you down. 

We had another member of the community ask a question that builds on that. 

What should I do if my partner isn't respecting my boundaries?

firstly, I want to say - go you for knowing your boundaries!  I still struggle with mine sometimes!  but in all seriousness, if your partner is not respecting your boundaries, and you've tried talking to them, then for me it's really about what needs to change here?  I don't want to change my boundaries because they are about my values and how I feel about myself.  Sometimes i'll try to have the conversation a different way because sometimes a partner might not get how serious you are.  ie.  I recently started a friendship with a male (i'm female-identifying) who quickly started sexting.  I told him to stop and he said it was just something he does with mates.  I told him again, that while we might be mates, that's not something I do and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  he still didn't get it, so I met up with him and had the convo in person and he finally got it.  but this isn't always how it goes.  I was prepared to end the friendship if he didn't acknowledge my boundaries.  sometimes when we're in a relationship where our boundaries are being pushed, your partner can also try and say you need to "relax" or just calm down - like you're being uptight about your boundaries.  you're not!  it's always good to have a friend to talk to to - to remind you of your values and to give you an outside perspective.  

@inez1800RESPECT Boundaries are so important and you're right - it can take time to learn what they are. Basing them around your values is a good place to start, thank you for sharing that with us  

Also, I'm glad to hear you were able to speak up in what sounds like an uncomfortable situation to be put in. Communicating boundaries is an important skill to have!

What advice would you have for young people who haven't set boundaries with friends or partners before? 

this is such a great question to consider.  of course, we have to practice setting boundaries and it takes us time to figure out what our values are and what we want out of relationships ie. we all want some relationshisp that are close, others that might be a bit lighter/ fun, and some that have intimacy and touch while others not so.  go easy on yourself - it takes a fair bit of trial and error.  I always start with - what do I like to do on my own and how much time do I like on my own.  if someone is stopping me from doing those things, then I need to put in a boundary ie. if a new friend/ partner starts constantly texting me or asking what i'm doing, that interrupts me from what I was doing.  so that's one boundary I always set early.  like hey, I really like how our relationship/ friendship is evolving but I also need time away from my phone etc, so I always ask my friends to give me time to reply or understand that I might not get back to them for a day or two.  I also think about what is private to me ie. I wouldn't tell a new friend or partner too much about my desires as they are private.  i'd also want to suss out their values and other relationships - how they treat others, before I started confiding in them too much.  

@inez1800RESPECT  I think that's a really important boundary. I used to volunteer for a charity where people used to email or message me at inappropriate times. Once, they emailed me at 12:30am to tell me what to do for the next morning. I think it can be helpful to make it clear to people when you can and can't reply to messages.

oh we've all had that scenario!  and I've been guilty of it too.  just because something is important/ urgent/ worrying to you, doesn't mean it is or has to be for others 🙂

i'd also add, relationships are about reciprocity (my favourite word btw!), so it's important to ask your partner/ friend about what their boundaries are and what you need to know about their values so you continue to treat each other respectfully.

A great point to add @inez1800RESPECT!

That is really useful advice and agreed that this stuff is trial and error - so it's important to be gentle with yourself when working it out We have spoken a bit about friendships and romantic/sexual relationships but now we're going to talk a little bit about family relationships. 

We had the following question about how to navigate a situation with their mum... 

I’m 15 and earlier this year, I came out to my mum.  She said it was just a phase.  I’ve started seeing someone and I really want to invite her over, but I don’t know how to bring it up again.

those close to us can really struggle to know how to respond and feel when we come out (or invite in).  it can take time.  i'd start by going back to that convo.. and letting her know that you've started seeing someone and how they make you feel (like how they care for you, make you laugh, share interests - whatever it is that you like about them and they you).  at the end of the day, people close to you want to see you happy and in a loving relationship.  if your mum is still struggling with it, try sitting down with her and looking at websites together.  having this conversation in a space and place where you're not distracted and not interrupted is important.  let your mum hear your values and that you want her to support and accept you... start gently.  and maybe acknowledge that it might be uncomfortable for your mum (parents usually feel weird the first time their teenagers bring a gf/bf home).  assure her that you're just gonna hang and what you will do - so she doesn't feel so awkward and is prepared.  I know it sounds like a lot of effort, but it''ll help you, your gf and your mum to feel at ease.  

@inez1800RESPECT I love that you mentioned "inviting in" - such a good way of empowering yourself to share a part of yourself with people you trust   

Thanks for sharing your ideas on how to approach these tough conversations. Something I've noticed that has come up a lot tonight is the theme of values. Knowing your values and communicating them is such a powerful thing!

We know there are times where these conversations aren't always able to take place and young people for a number of reasons can start to notice that they are in really tough situations at home. 

We had this question and I think it's a really brave thing to ask  

thanks @Bre-RO , I think we need to talk more about our values - they help define you and give you a better sense of yourself and guide your decisions.  whenever someone is feeling really lost or confused or unsure, I ask them to take time and come back to their values.  it's both grounding and reassuring.  

I really love that line - it's ok not to be ok.  I also like the word ok-ish :).

if you're ever not ok/ scared/ struggling with something or feeling unsafe at home - particularly if you're feeling unsafe - know that you don't have to manage on your own.  that's the first and most important thing.  there's always help out there.  know that.  it's really important that you have support.  that might be, firstly, to tell a trusted friend/ teacher at school, family member or someone else you trust.  someone you can open up to and who can check in on you.  they can also support you to more formal supports.  that first step might be jumping on line or on the phone - to 1800RESPECT, to kidshelpline, to eheadspace, beyondblue and, of course, here.  we're so lucky to live in a country that has supports in so many different ways across the country and does not tolerate abuse or violence.  

it can feel scary to ask for help, or to tell an adult what's going on.  the most important thing about help is that people want to work with you to keep you and everyone in your family safe from violence and to help those who are using violence to stop.

I sometimes think that the first time you talk about what's going on is a bit of a practice run - you will feel so confused and scared and stressed and not have the words... that first convo is the most difficult.  the next one, and the next step, is easier 🙂

I agree @inez1800RESPECT your values can really bring you back to who you are and what you want in life! 

You've made a strong point in saying that anybody who feels unsafe in their home does not have to suffer alone I want to echo that!

• 1800RESPECT 
• Kids Helpline 
• eHeadspace 
• BeyondBlue 

Are all such wonderful services and we want to encourage anybody who needs to use those supports to do so. 

Once again @inez1800RESPECT thank you for making time to chat with us about Healthy Relationships. We hope that this is something the community can read back on and take something from. If anyone would like to see more about what 1800RESPECT say about Healthy Relationships & Help and Support - follow the links to read on. 

Thank you so much to @WheresMySquishy and @Hozzles for bringing your experience and insights to this discussion It has been really nice chatting with you all!

Goodnight everyone 🙂