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TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff
Edit: A list of all of our system members can be found here: https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Everyday-life-stuff/SomeoneNADJS-System/m-p/395644/highlight/true#M35783
[R] I'm clearly not the best with thread titles. Anyway, stuff has been going on since we were last here. I can barely remember when that was since it was probably a few weeks ago. I started a new thread because the old one was getting a bit long.
Anyway, last week of school had a presentation night to end the year. Missed that because I was too dysphoric to wear the male uniform and because no one wanted to wear that. I/we missed getting two awards on the stage.
After that, we've been on holidays for a bit now, and just came back from a week-long holiday at a place our family normally goes to. Still felt miserable then, and a lot of us in our system are dealing with our own problems now, aside from the usual dysphoria and resulting misery. A, A* and I have had a bit of conflict (which is almost resolved now), D is still questioning their gender and now S has started doing that again. C seems like she might be getting a bit depressed or something. I've been miserable and wanting things to stop* and that's started getting J worried about me. Other than that, T seems to be the only one who's not going through any misery (but she has been less active than she used to be).
When I say I want things to stop, I'm sick of the dysphoria. I don't want to trans, I just wish I was cis and had the opposite body to what I had now. I had an initial appointment at an IVF clinic in which I was repeatedly misgendered (even after this person was asked to use female pronouns in front of me and our parents), barely spoke, and just dissociated because I felt absolutely awful and I probably didn't speak for like the next two hours. I just wish that we didn't have to deal with this stuff. It's making me feel worse now thinking about it, and it's still been constantly on my mind even when I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying my holidays.
@SomeoneNADJS well done R!!!
(virtual high five!!!)
How did the rest of the sleepover go?
And D can reply whenever they're ready, there's no pressure
[A*] @Tiny_leaf Hi! I’m switched in and I’m trying to not let R take over accidentally, but the sleepover went well, other than R sleeping in for quite a while (although today’s sleep in was worse than that).
I’m on here because I switched in to clean up stuff because R would probably procrastinate, but as part of organising to come out to a few of R’s friends, our mum was just on the phone to another friend’s mum to let her know that we’re trans, and some of the stuff I got told after the call is freaking me out a bit. This friend knows both Genevieve and R, but apparently she feels weird because Genevieve’s personality seems different after she came out. Don’t think I should be worried too much, but now I’m getting a bit paranoid that this friend will notice something different about us or act differently.
Other than being happier, the way R acts on the outside hasn’t changed much, so we should be fine, but now I’m getting worried about getting caught as a system (as unlikely as that is, but that’s meant to be R’s job).
Once I’ve done a few things on the outside, I’ll get R and maybe D to post.
@SomeoneNADJS hi A*! And you're welcome R
Sleeping in is nice.
What's probably happened is that Genevieve feels happier and more confident, and doesn't have to hide as much.
Honestly even if someone does notice and ask you about anything system related, you could probably just say it's related to being trans in some way and people won't question it.
Also just a reminder, most people don't know what a system is, and people who do understand tend to.. well.. understand.
But most people would be like "She's acting slightly different today. Anyway - ..."
A system wouldn't even cross their mind, because they probably don't know what one is in the first place.
Basically what I'm attempting to say in my own weird way is that it's super unlikely that anyone will connect the dots, even if they did notice something different.
[R] @Tiny_leaf Thank you. I've admitted that my own fear of this might be irrational, but I can still see why A* would be worried.
I just got a message from our mum. There is a bushfire not far from our school. I find that a bit concerning.
@SomeoneNADJS I can definitely see why you and A* would be worried as well, but personally I have a habit of forgetting that other people don't know as much about me as I do...
Bushfires are.. definitely worrying. I keep getting nightmares about them..
Firstly, do you live far enough away that you're safe, or do you need to go anywhere?
And secondly, have you seen the coping with bushfires thread?
[R] @Tiny_leaf Apparently the fire is now under control, which was quick. We don't live too close to the bush, and our school (which is basically in the middle of the bush) is about half an hour's drive away, so we're okay. Our grandfather's girlfriend who we're going to see when we go to Victoria is close to a fire zone though, so she's staying with her son. I hope her house will be okay.
I haven't seen that thread, no.
@SomeoneNADJS that's good.
And I hope so too..
The thread's here if any of you want to check it out: https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Something-s-not-right/Bushfires-How-to-cope/m-p/376391#M64626
[R] Thanks @Tiny_leaf.
I’m kind of annoyed now because I’ve been waiting for QLife for one and a half hours and no one came. I have an appointment tomorrow with an IVF psychologist that I’m dreading, and now I feel awful because I read a bunch of stuff James Shupe wrote while I was waiting.
[R] @Tiny_leaf This was the first person to be legally recognised as non-binary in the US, but now he’s gone back to living as male. He’s said a few things that have made me uncomfortable that kind of look transphobic to me.
[R] TW: reference to suicidal thoughts
Also has some other stuff I wanted to talk about. I was feeling really bad the other day about being trans and being the main fronter of this system. I thought of some stuff that got J quite worried about me, like I wished that I could be replaced and be inactive for however long so I wouldn’t have to deal with dysphoria, coming out to people, being in a body that I hate, having to deal with our mum talking about how we “were” as male and how we are as female as two different people (which kind of hurts because I don’t think I used to be male as much as I thought). The whole replacement thing was a substitute for wanting to kill myself, but J was worried and tried to calm me down.
It’s hard dealing with all of that when I’m also trying to help seven other people I share a body with when sometimes I don’t understand how to help. J ended up talking to our KHL counsellor then (briefly, on a chat with me) and she told him I was overworking myself with everything with trans stuff and stuff going on within our system.
If the replacement hypothetical was anywhere near realistic anyway, I don’t think anyone in the system would want me gone, but I’m kind of sick about dealing with and worrying about all of this.
I wish this wasn’t so hard, and I wish that I didn’t have this body. At least as part of a system I don’t have to think of it as exclusively mine, but it kind of also bothers me when other system members accidentally refer to it as mine even after all of this time. I hate being associated with it. I just want to be who I am and have the outside reflect who I am.
Also, I’m having issues with being advised about following gender stereotypes from our mum too. I’m also kind of bothered that in response to one of my questions, I was asked, “Aren’t you going to become a stereotype?” I just want to be allowed to be me as much as I can while preserving the image that the system is one person.
@SomeoneNADJS that sounds really difficult...
Did you want to brainstorm some ideas for dealing with the dysphoria now?
I know it won't fix everything but it might at least take some of the weight from you.
Is it possible for you all to assign different jobs to different people within your system?
Like maybe a couple of you could focus more on school stuff, a couple on transitioning, someone on coming out, ect.
[R] @Tiny_leaf I’m not sure what would help with dysphoria rn except for maybe going to sleep.
That sounds like it could be helpful, however I could see some of those jobs overlapping a bit. Still, that might help.
Also nearly forgot, but it’s S’ birthday.
[S] Thanks @Tiny_leaf. Mine is the last system birthday for quite a while (minus R’s/the body’s).
[R] Adding to S’ post so this doesn’t look like we’re spamming the thread, but I had some ideas for potential system jobs. If everyone was to be involved (and I haven’t discussed this with anyone else yet), but I was thinking four jobs with two members in each: two to manage social transition, two for medical transition, two for school/academic stuff, and two to fill in for the other roles if it becomes too difficult for the others. Idk, just some ideas.
Happy Birthday S! @SomeoneNADJS
Just thought I'd check in to see how you are going today?
@Tiny_leaf has offered some great suggestions and links last night! R, It sounds like you have given some thoughts to potential roles each system member could have. We would be interested how you all feel about roles, and which roles each member may be interested in taking on 🙂
[R] Hi @Jess1-RO! I’m tired. Didn’t do much that was productive today (unless you count speed running a game I created or playing the new Luigi’s Mansion game).
We’ve been debating what sort of roles each member should have, but we haven’t all come to an agreement yet on what we’re going to do.
I’m personally not sure what sort of role I’d want to take. And one thing that has been raised in our discussions is whether to have broader roles or more specific ones. For example, there could be two people on social transitioning, or under that there could be one who comes out to people and one who thinks about who to come out to when.
We still need to figure some stuff out about this. Maybe it could be useful to bring up with KHL (my next appointment is on Monday, can’t remember when D’s is, but they wrote it somewhere).
Also, we were planning on going to Melbourne, but I think we’re cancelling the trip because of the smoke and the fires. That’s okay though. Might give us some more time to figure out the social side of things.
Hey @SomeoneNADJS [Og], I am sorry you had such a stressful day! Maths is daunting enough on its own 😔 I imagine you must be feeling so exhausted after that.
Would it help to brainstorm what you might say to your psychologist here?
[Og] Things have been stressful today. Had another lesson at school to help with maths but it didn't end up going well because I couldn't switch out and it was like our teacher was speaking in a foreign language.
Yes, that sounds right. I'm not sure what we'll say to them.
Hi R, @SomeoneNADJS , that sounds like a really upsetting experience with your mum, those kinds of blowups can be awful, especially after a rough day at school. How are you feeling today?
I'm definitely not an expert, but it sounds like the rate that the system members are increasing is causing quite a bit of stress (and it sounds like stress can also be a factor in numbers increasing, have I got that right?)
It sounds like things are feeling really overwhelming, which is so understandable. But I'm just wondering if telling your psychologist about the number of system members and how they're increasing quickly may mean they will be able to help the system more and work with you on some more strategies to help manage the overwhelm and reduce your distress.
It is completely up to you what level of detail you're comfortable sharing with them though
[R] Hi @Janine-RO. We haven't had a chance to do much nice for us today. I'm personally still a bit overwhelmed by everything and I still have to worry about this sort of stuff every day.
I'm not sure to be honest. The system's already too large to give someone a list of names (5000+ would take forever to write out), so I'm not sure much would change for the better.
Had another lesson at school today. Since I think I'm an embarrassment who shouldn't exist plus anxiety, the lesson did not go well. Plus M showed up and had some flashbacks, which did not help either. I eventually switched back in in the car and mum got angry at us about that and because we're not good at remembering to do our voice exercises (which, we're not doing them even hour but we're doing at least a few per day at the moment). She also asked if we wanted to just quit everything (psychologist/psychiatrist appointments, voice training, school, etc.). She's calmed down since then, but it was hard to talk to her especially since it was already after a lot of stress and crying.
Hey R and Er^^,
@SomeoneNADJS I'm sorry to hear the system is having a hard time at the moment, it sounds like Er^^ was finding everything really overwhelming and stressful, and I can imagine it must feel even harder when it's a system member who doesn't front very often to suddenly be faced with thinking about all of those things.. R it is nice to hear from you again. It sounds like Er^^ was having a tough time, how are you feeling about it all? Are you able to do something nice for yourself today?
It's good to hear that the psychologist visit went well. It must feel hard worrying that you won't be believed, or would be taken less seriously if you tell them the size of the system. Do you think it they'd be able to support you more, or differently, if they knew about the system size?
[R] @Janine-RO Ad went to the psychologist's yesterday and I think it went well. We usually tell people it's less than the actual amount because I'm worried they'd either not believe us or take us less seriously if we say there are that many of us.
[Er^^] I'm sick of everything at the moment. The dysphoria, school work, anxiety, depression, suicidality, the system, the amount of us in the system and the trauma stuff. I just wish we could be normal. I can't believe we're at more than 5000 members. That's just ridiculous. How are we ever going to function like a normal human being with more than 5000 of us?
I'm barely even involved in this system's issues and I'm sick of it from fronting for like one or two hours. I think it's a miracle we're still alive, but it's a curse at the same time because we have to keep on going with things we don't want to while trying to get better at the same time.
If we didn't have a system, everything would be 10 million times easier. I've had it with this system. And I hate this stupid body. We all have to wait for months until our surgery consultation. I feel like things will get a lot better the closer we get to that, but for now everything just sucks.
I have a feeling we'd be better off if we just quit school. I know R says it all the time that she just wants to quit and that she's not enjoying what we're doing, but we're still doing it. I think it would do us good to have some time off where we don't have to worry about anything like that, but since the summer holidays were filled with work and we only got one week during the last holidays, it's not enough. It's hard because we're literally using our break times from doing school work to help us learn about each other and that's just even more work for us.
I don't know what we're going to do in the future. Our system has really screwed us all over. If we quit school then who knows what kind of future we might have. I don't know what's best for us right now. I don't want to exist.
Hey R, I can imagine that would take up so much energy - it sounds like it's really helpful to be able to hear from other systems, especially systems who are larger than yours.
I hope your psych visit goes well today! Do you mind if I ask why you generally tell people that your system's much smaller than it is?