TW: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hi @MB95 ,

I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today, I'm just catching up on how everyone has been doing. Well done for taking the leap and giving your parents the letter, it sounds like it took a huge amount of courage for you. I can understand that her reaction could be upsetting to you - I imagine it's taking her awhile to process it all, but truly, you have shown so much wisdom and strength in seeing a psychologist and getting the help that you need. People close to us can sometimes find hearing about mental health challenges really confronting, even when it's coming from a place of love - and even if she's a bit hurt at the moment that you opened up to a psych rather than to her, you had to do what is right for YOU. 

Hopefully, with time, your parents will be able to overcome their initial surprise, and in the long run I think you have absolutely done the right thing in telling them.  It may take time for you all to get used to having those difficult conversations, but it sounds like you're on the right path. As a parent myself, I would be so proud of you for having the courage to open up about what you're going through. On a side note - we do have a separate forum here for parents, so if they'd find that helpful they could check that out. It's completely confidential and a safe space.  

You show so much strength, insight and intelligence here - we are all here to support you. 

Thanks @Janine-RO, I appreciate the message and you checking in. Honestly, I'm just trying to not think about any of it too much atm. I'm pretty good at shoving my feelings aside and just getting on with shit so am trying my best.

If I think about it I just get upset and angry and confused. I feel so guilty for asking for help. I feel like I've done the wrong thing talking to a psych and even talking on here. I just wish I'd never said anything. I'm used to dealing with things on my own and there's a reason for it but I just don't know how to get my psych to understand that. She wanted me to open up to my family for support before she starts tapping into the 'traumas' she thinks I've experienced but honestly, talking to them about things just causes me more stress and anxiety than anything. I'm too worried about how I make them feel or what they think and then if they don't help or react the way I hope then it doesn't end well for me. I just don't know how to communicate it to my psych? I know I really need to sort through some of these past things because it's really affecting me but I want to do it alone. I don't want help. I just want to get through it on my own with my psych. Do you know how I could get her to agree to that? And let her know I promise not to do anything stupid? Like I get she wants to know I'm safe and have people to call when we start working through shit but honestly, I know I wouldn't call them anyway so don't see the point in waiting to form those supports?! It's just frustrating, I want to do right by her and not let her down but right now I feel like it's hurting me more in the process. I just want to work through shit and be normal again and I want to get there on my own. 

Hi @MB95 ,

I have been catching up on how you have been feeling and what has been going on with you, and I just wanted to say how courageous you have been throughout everything that has been happening with you reaching out to your parents about your mental health. One thing in particular you mentioned that I thought was so inspiring was that you wanted to be able to talk to your parents about your mental health in the hope that by you opening up it might help them and your family to start thinking about their own mental health and seek help. I think that shows a great deal of empathy and is a wonderful thing to see!

It can be very easy to push your feelings aside and get on with things especially when you are more inclined to do things on your own.  I find this myself sometimes and can be the case if you are an independent person, sometimes it can be the natural or the default way you know how to cope. I know you said you are finding it difficult to get your psych to understand this, and that they want you to have supports in place before addressing other things, have you spoke to her about any additional support people other than your parents?

I read that you will be back living interstate to study until the mid year, I know it has been difficult opening up to your family, is there any friends or non-immediate family that you think you may feel you may be able talk to or have in place to contact once you start addressing other things from your past? With you talking to your parents causing you added stress and anxiety which we don’t want, this may be something to explore with your psychologist and then gradually work on being able to talk to your parents more about this. 

I don’t feel like you would be letting your psych down, but it might be good to try to explain more to her if you haven’t already, about how its hurting you more in the process. She may be able to suggest alternate options which still allow for you to work on the past things you need to but while ensuring your safety when discussing things that may be harder to talk about. 

We are all here to support you and help you along in this journey, you are not alone.

I also hope you enjoyed your girls trip with your Mum and sister, have you got any other plans to do anything else before going back to uni? 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me @Eden1717. It all made sense and was kind of a relief to read as I've been feeling pretty alone and shitty about the whole thing. I don't want to be feeling ungrateful or anything because I really am blessed with the parents I have but it's just a really hard time because I feel so upset about it but don't know how to ask for their help, and I don't even know I want it. I just want to go back to them not knowing. But thanks for sharing, it is comforting to hear your mum reacted in a very similar way. Hopefully as time goes on things will change. Did you ask your psych to talk to your parents? Or did they suggest it? Just curious because I kind of want my parents to talk to someone about how to support me rather than talking to me directly. I don't know. 

Thanks for your message too @TaylaMH. I appreciate you jumping in. I've spoken to my psych about my supports and the reason she wanted me to open up to my parents is because I don't really have any friends. I'm pretty lonely where I'm living - I've just started to hang out with one girl from uni though and now a couple from work so am finally getting myself out and trying to make friendships. They just aren't on the level where I'd open up to them about my mental health if that makes sense? I don't want them to think less of me or scare them away. And I know I will because it's what always happens. It's why I keep it all to myself. It's far less painful!! 

Unfortunately my two best friends that I do talk to about this stuff live in Canada so it makes things a bit difficult. One flew over a few months ago when things were really bad but it's expensive and not easy connecting all the time with the time zones. So I do have a couple of supports, they're just on the other side of the bloody planet which is why she's trying to get me to connect with people who are a bit closer. 

I completely understand why she's doing what she's doing, and I respect and appreciate it but I just want to do this alone. I'm just unsure how to get her to see that and trust me that I'll be fine dealing with things on my own. 

As for things before uni, I'll just be working like crazy as I desperately need to get some money behind me before the semester begins! But I've enjoyed our girls trip. Everything aside, it's been pretty good and mums managed to keep things to herself which has been good 🙂

@MB95  Both my psychologist and psychiatrist asked to talk to my parents I would have been around 16 then but I had begged them not to talk to my parents but they kept asking and eventually it just kind of happened. I very much did not want my family knowing anything about what was going on and went to great lengths to hide it. But it got to the point where they were confused as to why I kept ending up in hospital and so much was going on that my psychs did speak to them but it has only been the last few years that I even opened up to the psychs about what was actually going on and at that point I was an adult and they couldn’t talk to my parents if I didn’t want them too, which I regularly reminded them. I guess for me and my family it works better when they don’t know details about what is going on they just want to know if I am safe and if I need them to help with something but the most helpful thing they can do is just treat me normally and be there if I need to sit with someone. 

It can take a lot of conversations to get to the point where there is an understanding about what to do but it can happen. If I remember correctly you are having issues with depression/anxiety? Perhaps if you want your parents to understand you could find some fact sheets or information to print or send to them to read.... it really depends what you would like from the relationship. Maybe first you could start by identifying your own goals and desires? 

Thanks for sharing @Eden1717 ❤

You remembered correctly. And I thought I knew what I wanted from them but I guess I really don't. 

It's just hard. It's like there are two me's. One wants to be open and share everything and the other refuses to let anyone in and accept help and that I'm 'sick'. 

I just hate it and I'm so over feeling like this. I just want to be normal!! 

@MB95  It can be very frustrating trying to manage mental health issues and at the same time trying to maintain relationships. Perhaps if you don’t know what you want but do know those 2 opposite feelings you could do a pros and cons list. So like one as to what you would get from telling your family and sharing your struggles and one about what you would not get or what you would find unhelpful....? Maybe making a pros and cons list will help reveal some of your feelings and make things more clear... just a suggestion I don’t mean to sound like I am forcing you to make a list lol. 

Hello @MB95!

I seemed to not have received RO notifications for this thread otherwise I would have returned earlier, so sorry about that!

Nevertheless, I am ecstatic to hear that you managed to give your parents the letters. Regardless of the outcome, you got over that first, massive and extremely difficult step! That's what you need to focus on.

I have been catching up on the posts and honestly, everything you described is like a mirror of my family. My Mum would almost get annoyed at me and hated the fact i'll talk to a psych and not her. But I can assure you it will get better. If you give it your best by letting her know what you want and don't want from her, then that's all you can do. Relationships and communication are two-way things and you can't take responsibility for the way your parents feel. 

I used to be extremely upset having told my parents anything and wished that I never did. However, when it was explained to me that it's not my responsibility to make my parents respond in a certain way, it helped to ease a lot of pressure and guilt. Of course I never purposely made them feel upset, but some news is taken better or worse than others and it's for them to work out.

If you can try and just focus on yourself a little more and let them worry about themselves, you'll find the stress and regret having told them will soon disappear. And in the long term, hopefully you will be able to see all of the positives that will come from that one step you made by giving them the letter.

What @Andrea-RO and @Janine-RO said was especially true regarding this whole process and with your psych.

I understand you not wanting or thinking you need other supports, but on that one off occasion, you just may want to call them and having them already know how to help you, can literally save your life. I have a few supports in place myself. Some of which I was forced to make. Some I have never thought twice about contacting, but others, who may not have seemed likely at the time of forming the support, have actually been the most helpful. It's also a part of the psychs job which she is bound by if safety is a concern, but I can guarantee there are more positives than negatives when forming supports of any kind or level anyway.

I hope you have been alright the past couple of days and please feel free to ask any questions or get some tips on coping with this sort of thing. Many of us here have experienced very similar things and all of us have gotten/are getting though it and we are now even in this privileged position to help others as we keep fighting to the top.

Take care!

Thanks @Alison5. I've been struggling to focus on myself at the moment with all that's going on and just feeling really guilty for telling my parents and not being able to open up to them more to reassure them I will be okay. And really struggling to go back and see my psych because I feel like I'm going behind their back? It's weird and I'm just really lost at the moment and need time to think things through but haven't had a moment to myself with my uni intensive. I just feel a bit off about the whole situation and wish I could take everything back and just go back to dealing with things on my own. 

Do you know if your parents reached out for any support when you told them? Like how did they learn to support you and not be upset over the situation? Cause I really worry about my parents, my mum especially because she didn't take it well and I haven't even told her how bad it is. Just told her I'm seeing a psych and that's about it so I know I could never tell her the full truth. 

Hey @MB95 , 

I hope you don't mind if I jump in here too, I know your question was to @Alison5 - but I think you actually do highlight an extremely important point about parents and their own need for support, so that they in turn can be the best support possible for their kids. As a parent myself, I can really empathise with how difficult it must be as a parent to see your child in pain - but I also think that @Eden1717  is absolutely spot on when they said that parents do need to be able to make sure they're dealing with their own emotions about that stuff, so they're not inadvertently making it about themselves. 

I know a lot of mental health professionals who work with teens and young adults will strongly recommend that parents seek out their own supports from mental health professionals for exactly that reason. Self-care can be really hard as a parent sometimes, but it's really important for parents to seek out their own support. There's actually quite a few free helplines and 1:1 support services available now for parents (there's actually one run in partnership with RO here https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support) . 

I hear how much guilt and uncertainty you're feeling about going back to your psych, and you sound like such a caring daughter - I am sure that they would be proud of you for being proactive in managing your mental health, even if there is also some fear around it. 

Does that make sense at all? We are all here for you, thanks for opening up about what's been happening for you. 

Thanks @Janine-RO. My psych did suggest they reach out to seek help with supporting me in her letter but I don't think they will. My dad is very emotionally shut off and my mum always thinks she can deal with things on her own. I know they both have their own issues with mental health that they won't admit which is really hard so I don't know how to get them to seek help to help me. Honestly, not even to help me, but to help themselves. I want them to be happy more than anything. They say they are but I know they're not. My psych offered to call them a while back (they live in a different state) but I know that won't go well because my mum doesn't take it well when she thinks someone else knows her kids better. And I would hate for her to upset my psych!! 

Hi @MB95,

I know it can be so hard to tell others and you may even think it wasn't worth it, but I can assure you it is. What you achieved to be able to tell your parents is a massive step and more details can be explained later. It's always that first step which is the hardest.
My parents were also quite good at hiding their feelings, but I could tell it was affecting them quite a bit. Being my parents, they didn't want me to think they couldn't cope or were struggling because they knew I had enough to deal with on my own. This used to upset me so much and I regretted telling them (similar to you). However, a psych once said that firstly, you can't help others until you help yourself and secondly, that you're not responsible for the reactions or feelings other people have. Only they are responsible. And so only they can change it.
That did make sense to me, so I tried really hard for the benefit of everyone around me, to get well so that I could help them. I also told my parents that I think they should go see someone; to get a referral from a GP just to talk it through. I also gave them a few helpline numbers and websites for parents such as KidsHelpline and I know there's a parents forum section on here.

They were very appreciative and assured me they were fine. I have been secretly quite worried about them (and still am), but i've found little hints that they have actually been getting some help and talking to people which i'm really happy about. I ask them outright and they say they've tried some face to face sessions etc. but now it's more just on the phone when they need it. And actually, it's usually just talking with each other or me that they find the most helpful. When i'm able to clarify things, it puts their mind at rest.
I know you mentioned you don't think your Mum especially could take it, but perhaps let her know that you're open to questions. Because she won't ask a question she can't take an answer for.

Even my Mum took quite a while to ask me some things because she wasn't prepared for the possible answer (esp. around safety). But when she was ready, she did and I helped to clarify things and she no longer catastrophes' everything.

I know it's a really tricky situation and all families are different, but if you can, just try and be open. That doesn't mean you have to tell them everything, it just means being open to answer any questions so that your parents can take their own time with it. You don't have to tell them anything until they ask, if this is something you'd prefer.

Give it a go, if you can. Try and be as honest and I can assure you that they won't ask things that will 'break' them when you answer because when you ask a question, you already know the possible answers so they've got to have thought about it to come up with it. But that does mean you have to let them know that you actually will answer questions, otherwise they won't ask. I hope some of that makes sense.

Good luck with it and do let us know how you go.

Also thanks for your message @Alison5 ❤ My account has been playing up a bit for some reason and says people are responding to my posts and things but when I click on it they don't show. It did it with all of yours for some reason so I'm only just seeing this now!!! I wasn't ignoring your response!!!  

It's really weird. I want them to ask questions (kind of).. more just ask how I am. But I'm really not ready to answer some of the things they might want to ask. Especially around suicide. Because I know my mum is definatly not ready for that. I did briefly mention I think she should see someone but it was more for herself then for helping me so she didn't take it too well and made some comment about not everyone needing a psych which kind of hurt. I know she didn't mean anything by it but it did upset me. Think it was just her way of telling me she really doesn't like the idea of me seeing one because she doesn't think I need it. But anyway, that's life. At the moment I'm just keeping it to myself because it seems to just make things worse when I mention something. Mum's pretty vulnerable at the moment with her own shit but she won't do anything about it because she thinks she's fine. So I'm just leaving it all be at the moment and trying to focus on myself and not feel guilty about seeing my psych for help instead.

Hi guys,

I know I'm on here quite alot and I'm sorry to be annoying but just wondering if anyone is around for a chat? I don't even know what about. I'm just feeling really off and alone. I keep trying so hard and think I'm getting somewhere but realistically it just feels like I'm ignoring things and fooling myself into thinking I'm okay. My anxiety has been through the roof lately and I can't work out why. I spent most of today with a crazy tremor in my hands and unable to concentrate on anything. And when I went to see my psych it just got worse and I felt really nauseous. I'm just really frustrated because I'm trying really hard but feel like nothing is changing and like I'm never going to get better. 

Also, has anyone ever felt like people think you're lying about how you feel because you're so good at hiding it? 

Hey @scared01 😊

Thank you so much for responding! I'm quietly thankful you're procrastinating 😂 What are you trying to avoid though? I hope it's not anything too important! 

I'm so relieved to hear you can relate because I just feel like I'm going crazy and I feel so guilty. I'm just so used to hiding it because I've been hiding it the past 10 or so years so it's completely normal for me. But then I feel really guilty for some reason whenever I see my psych because I feel like she thinks I'm lying. Like we often talk about how I don't have any support here etc. but then the other day she saw me with some girls from uni working on our assignment and I couldn't help but feel guilty because then I thought she would think I have heaps of friends? When I don't lol. I'm not sure that makes any sense but I just feel like I'm lying to everyone at the moment for some reason and I feel so guilty. 

Yeah I think it might have been a panic attack but I wasn't too sure. I ended up blurting out to my psych about my hands and how I was afraid and couldn't control it, but I think she noticed it before I said anything and was just playing it cool as always because she knows it makes it worse if she addresses it with me because I feel evenmore embarrassed!! 

I'm not sure.. like every now and again I feel like I'm making progress and like I'm feeling more positive towards things and believe I can get through things but then I just crash completely. Like I have no motivation, I freak out at the smallest things and I just feel angry, upset and isolated. I just really want to disappear and for everything to end. I feel like I don't deserve to live if I can't be happy. I keep trying and then keep ending up here and I guess I'm just getting so tired of it? I really do want to get better but there's so many more downs than ups and I can't seem to fix it?

I love it @scared01 ! Procrastinating from studies is always the best.. and worst! 😂 Are you at uni or still in school? If you're at uni what are you studying? I'm not sure if I've ever asked? 

Yeah, I feel like people don't know how to support me because I am so good at pretending everything is okay. People are always comparing themselves to me and saying I have my shit together when it is so goddam far from the truth! I just feel guilty for not being able to tell them but also kind of annoyed that they just assume I'm fine. I'm always the one people come to for help (which I do love and appreciate) but sometimes I just wish they could tell I'm struggling just as much, and alot of the time I'm finding things even harder then them. Like no ones problems are worse than anyones, we all deal with things differently but sometimes I just feel like saying to them that I'm struggling to even stay alive at the moment. I don't know, I don't mean to sound like a bitch. I just wish people understood that even those who seem like they have their shit together are also struggling..

That totally makes sense!! There are only two people I've ever shared things with and would call my true supports and they're my two best friends but they live in Canada. Like I get along with people at uni and I guess you could call them my friends but I'd never share personal information with them.. it's so weird! I guess I just really don't want my psych to think I'm lying to her and don't need her help because I really do. I've had enough people give up on me and really don't want her too as well!! 

My psych has mentioned a few ways to prevent panic attacks or try calm down from one - particularly the breathing. But I often find they come on fairly quickly and then I really struggle to stop them. I'm getting a little better at it but I guess today I just forced myself to go to my appointment and ignore what was happening when realistically I should have taken a moment to calm myself down a bit first. If you feel like sharing some tips though then I'd love to hear them! 😊 

I hadn't actually thought about that as being a trigger.. but honestly, now that you mention it I think that could be it. I've always struggled seeing my psych but the anxiety around it has just grown into something else recently. I feel like ever since I told my parents I've been seeing a psych it just got worse because I feel like I'm going behind their back for not talking to them instead so I feel really guilty about it and then when my psych saw me with my friend from uni and with our group it just got worse again from there because I felt like she was judging me and was thinking I was a liar. It's weird. I'm scared to look like I have my shit together around my psych but then I'm scared to look like I don't have my shit together around every one else?! 

As for a diagnosis, I've never actually asked my psych before because I don't know how to ask her? But my GP has put in my records that it's anxiety and depression so I guess my psych would say the same? 

Thankyou so much for always sharing your own experiences with me @Alison5! I feel like we are fairly similar and that our families have quite a lot in common. So I do really appreciate when you share because I feel like I can really relate to you so get alot out of it. I do wish my parents would see someone but I'm not sure they ever will. I just wish they could understand why I can't talk to them about things. Especially my mum, she feels really hurt by it which I hate. I know we'll all eventually get there and one day I'll open up to them more but I just really find it hard not to blame myself at the moment or regret telling them. I'm trying really hard to just focus more on myself at the moment though and am thinking of talking to my psych next week about the guilt and asking if she has any recommendations on how I can deal with it? Unless you have any? 

As for tonight, just talking to you guys and knowing there are people out there is really helping so thankyou so much for responding guys, I REALLY do appreciate it!!! I also just got off the phone to my grandad and just hearing his voice lifted my spirits. Made me homesick, but has reminded me of how lucky I really am to have the family I do 😊 I was pretty low before but just chatting here and having that phonecall makes me feel less alone so THANKYOU!!! ❤

And thankyou for just letting me ramble!! I promise I do try and keep my messsges short but for some reason I ALWAYS fail to do so.. 🤦‍♀️

Hi @MB95 , @scared01  and @Alison5 , 

Just caught up on that thread - and just had to say, you guys are all amazing. I love the generosity of spirit and power of shared experiences that you see on this board every single day, it reminds me how incredibly lucky I am to be part of such a great community. 

How are you doing today, @MB95 ? 

I read this phrase of yours, and it resonated so deeply with me; "I'm not sure.. like every now and again I feel like I'm making progress and like I'm feeling more positive towards things and believe I can get through things but then I just crash completely"

I have had times in the past where I felt the same way , and I think many people will really be able to relate to it. I also had to share this with you:

Recovery, and building new skills, and life in general to me is rarely all in a straight line. Lots of bumps along the way, but I think that's totally okay.

Thankyou so much @Janine-RO ❤

I guess I just struggle alot when I feel like I'm failing at something and people are relying on me to do well (e.g. my psych in this case). I'm just so scared of letting her down. I hate not being able to keep up with peoples expectations, whether they be my own or from others. So when I go backwards it just makes me feel like a failure and then it keeps spiralling from there. I just thought I'd be better by now and past all of this. I cannot wait for the day there is pie - I am going to pig out! 😂 I really LOVED that so thanks for sharing, I've screenshot it as something to look at when I need a reminder. I really am trying but guess it's just alot harder than I expected to work through everything. 

As for today, the numbness and anger at myself isn't as intense as yesterday. It's still there but mostly I'm just physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn't wake up thismorning and was late to my uni classes. I freaked out because I was and almost drove straight back home but I made myself breathe and push through it and go to class and I'm so glad I did - felt like a small accomplishment. So I really am trying, it's just exhausting and takes alot out of me. 

Hey @MB95 , 

Just wanting to check in with you this morning, how are you doing?

I can hear you saying that you were  wanting to drink and not feel for awhile after you've been having such a rough time - there's absolutely no judgment from me  here at all, but sometimes a lot of alcohol can leave people feeling worse the next day. I do drink socially, but I know for me personally it can leave me feeling really emotional if I'm not in the best head space.

So, I just wanted to check in with you and see if you are doing okay. Today is a new day, and I hope you're doing alright.

@MB95  Are you being safe with the drinking? Your message is full of errors which isn’t usual for you... I can’t really say much about the drinking I have never drunk before and don’t intend too. My dad drinks and it isn’t something I want to be involved in. I am not judging you just saying I can’t really relate on that part. But I hope you are careful using alcohol to cope can become addictive and once it does it is hard to stop even if it is making your life worse. I hope you feel better soon. 

Thanks @Janine-RO. i realy do appreciate your message. I'm just a bit lost at the miment and dexides to get some whiskey in the way home cause I just wanted to stop feeling for a while. Not sure it's working and I know it's a stupid ideas but I coudlnt helo it for some reason. I just want to stop feeling lije this all the sime. I'll be fine. J thimk I just need some time to forget and destress.