TW: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Hey @MB95 

It's really positive to hear about you affiliation with the outdoors! Spending time in nature is such a special way to ground yourself and feel connected to something bigger than yourself.

That FB group sounds great! Joining groups can be a confronting thing to do - I know it has taken me a long time to get into my hobbies simply because I was nervous to go on my own and thought I'd be awkward. What helped me was giving myself permission to be awkward and shy and just do it for myself. The fear never went away but I kinda faked being brave until it came natural. I also found that most people do those hobbies on their own and are in the same boat as you! Which is comforting in a weird way. Maybe it's something you can work towards with the help of your psychologist?  

Also, I think many people can feel a range of emotions when trying to ask for help. I think it's because asking for support can make you feel really vulnerable. I think it's okay to feel a little hurt that your requests for extra help didn't go the way you hoped - just remind yourself that it wasn't a personal thing and probably had more to do with your psychologists time restraints etc.. 

I know there's been many times I've wanted to help someone a lot more than I was able to given the restrictions of my role, workplace, abilities etc.. I don't know if that helps but I'm sure your psychologist in a perfect world would have really wanted to be there for you  

In saying all that I'm so happy you are here and that we are able to support you between counselling sessions! What are you up to today? Is there anything nice you can do for yourself 🙂 

Thanks heaps for your reply @Bre-RO ❤

I have been working heaps the past few days so haven't been on here as much and when I have been I've been trying to help others instead as a nice distraction from my own shit. I'm also happy I'm on here because it really is a great support and just so nice to be part of a community that understands and cares!!

It did help hearing how you feel when you want to help others more but can't because of job restrictions etc. And I totally get that because I'd be the same. And I feel terrible that it's upsetting me so much because it's like I know she doesn't mean to hurt me but it is? I don't know. I can't work out why it's upset me so much and I really wish it wasn't!!! For some stupid reason I feel really weird about going to see her tomorrow and am thinking of calling to cancel. Normally I look forward to our sessions but the last few days I've been feeling really weird about it and not wanting to go anymore. 

Hi @MB95 

We are happy to have you as part of this community! It helps so much to have people to listen and understand what you're going through  

It's really hard when you're having a strong emotional response to something but you're not too sure why. How are you feeling today about seeing your psychologist? 

We are thinking of you and hoping that is goes well  

It really does @Bre-RO so thankyou ❤

I was feeling so nervous I felt sick in the stomach and couldn't stop shaking but I forced myself through it and went and am so glad I did!! 

It was meant to be our last session today for the year cause she's finishing up but she has decided she wants to see me next week as well which was just such a relief to hear her say. It made me feel like she does care and that she did take it seriously when I said I wanted to see her twice this week before she finishes and I go home. She told me today that she is actually in next week but just doing admin but is happy to see me which I am so grateful for. I feel even worse now for being upset with her about it all but it's made me realise she really does care and I can trust she knows what she's doing which is nice. 

Hey @MB95 

I hope you feel really proud of yourself for pushing through the nerves and going to see your psych. That would have been hard but you did it!! Also, I'm relieved to hear that she made some time for you - she obviously cares about you and wants to be the best support she can. Great news  

Thanks @Eden1717 - me too! 😊

And thanks @Bre-RO ❤

I did feel pretty happy with myself that I went. Even though it was really small it felt like a little achievement that I was strict with myself and didn't give in to how I was feeling at the time. I'm well known for bailing on situations so definitely feel like it was progress and paid off in the end!! 😊

@MB95  I'm glad that everything went well. 🙂 Well done for getting through the situation with your psych! That must have taken a lot of courage. 🙂

Hey guys.. I'm having a real emotionally mixed day. I was trying my best thismorning to be positive and happy - I went for a walk along the foreshore with two friends from uni and then went to a house viewing before coming home to chill for a bit and check my uni results which were released today. It's been a full on semester for me with starting therapy for the first time and medications and all sorts so I was stressed I wouldn't pass. My psychologist and GP applied for special consideration for me for my finals because they thought it was necessary and when I checked today I was in absolute shock. Somehow I ended up with a High Distinction and 3 Distinctions!!! I don't know how it happened at all but somehow it did. Like don't get me wrong, I'm happy with it - espcially the HD because I really wanted a HD in anatomy and physiology but I don't know. I just feel like I don't deserve it? And like I didn't earn it because I had to apply for special consideration.. I just feel really weird about it because I didn't want to apply for it but my psych advised me too so I did. Like I'm so thankful that she cared enough about my grades to help me with it but I don't know, somehow I feel like I've cheated and don't deserve them? One of my friends in uni got Credits (which I also think is amazing by the way) but I just feel guilty because I know she struggled with the workload too.. 

But then there is this other part of me that cried and couldn't stop smiling because of how hard the semester was and that I was able to come out the other end because of the support my psychologist has given me. I don't know, part of me feels extremely guilty and like I don't deserve it and then the other part of me is proud that I accepted the help and put in the hard work to pass?! Has anyone else felt like this before after getting help? Like I just feel really shit and undeserving!!! 

Today also made the lonliness hit home again. I'm trying so hard to connect with people (like the two girls from uni) but I feel like I might physically do something with them but I don't feel connected to them? Idk. When I checked my results, I was feeling such a high (the low came a bit later) and all I wanted to do was share that with someone and then it all hit me that I have no one around to share things with, and that sucked. The first person I wanted to call and tell was my psych but I realised how inappropriate that probably is and it made me feel even more pathetic. For some reason she's the one person I want to talk to when something good (or bad) happens.. do any of you guys feel this way too? Or would your first thought be to call and tell a friend or family member? I just feel strange and know I need to stop relying on her to share shit with but for some reason she's my instant go to at the moment.. 😔

Any advice or general chat would be really appreciated right now ❤ I'm trying REALLY hard to look more at the positives like my psych wants me too but I am REALLY struggling right now. I just feel worthless and like I've let everyone down. 

If you've managed to read to the end of this rant, thankyou. ❤ I really do appreciate the support and am not sure how I've survived all these years without this chat!! 

@Bre-RO  @Andrea-RO  @Eden1717  @WheresMySquishy @Bee @Alison5  or anyone else that has advice and wants to join in fighting my stupid thoughts! 😂

Hey @MB95 

Thanks for opening up about the day you had. It sounds like you went through a lot of emotions, which can be draining. I hope you've been able to rest and are feeling better this morning when you wake  

I want to give you a huge congrats for the incredible results you received yesterday. I understand that you had mixed feelings about them and I wanted to say that special considerations don't discount the real work and effort it takes to do well at uni. It's about recognising that studying whilst also struggling takes huge amounts of determination! Your GP and psychologist saw how hard you were working and decided to help you because you deserve it! I hope you can smile with pride - you earned those marks!

I can understand wanting to share things with your psychologist. It's fair to say that she is a safe person that you helps you to learn things about yourself and how to cope - it's normal to really value that relationship.

It sounds like you've been doing lots of thinking and feelings - is there something relaxing you can do to take your mind off everything you're processing at the moment?  

Thanks @Bre-RO ❤

You made me tear up! I actually had a really good morning yesterday. I saw my psychologist and our last session of the year went really well. I'm pretty upset that I'm not going to see her for just over a month but I'm hoping that by connecting with everyone on here more often I'll be okay. At the end of our session I told her my results and she was so happy for me and it was just so incredibly nice to share with her. When we went out to book in an appointment for the new year she asked me if I'd told the guy that works on the desk my news and he asked what it was so I told him. He high fived me and it just made me finally feel like I'd earnt those marks because I'd worked so hard. They know that and idk, I guess just seeing their facial expressions and reactions made me feel that pride you talked about. I also saw the other psych that often steps in and helps me out when I need it and she was also really happy for me. Their reactions just made me feel worthy and like I did earn those marks I guess. I'm just so thankful I was able to share it with the 3 of them because they are the only ones that know how tough it's been for me and it was just a real special morning I guess. And an extra bonus is that they all accepted the cards and chocolates I gave them!! I know their not meant to accept gifts so was freaking out about it but they were so appreciative and it just made me feel so happy!!! So my morning was awesome!!! I was on such a high after seeing them all and the year couldn't have ended any better with them but then for some reason I've just completely gone in the opposite direction now.. 😔 

I'm trying so hard not too!!!! But work was stressful last night and didn't help I guess so it all just sent me backwards. Idk if it's cause it's hit me that I'm not gonna see my psych for a month. Or, and I know I shouldn't feel this way, that the three of them just mean so much to me that it makes me sad I can't connect with them outside the office. Like idk, I feel like they are 3 people that just get me and I wish I was able to hang out with them. Like psych stuff aside, they are the kinds of people I often would connect with outside of all this so I'm really struggling to remind myself that I can't and it's just their job and we wouldn't be seeing eachother otherwise. I don't know, don't get me wrong, I am so goddam appreciative of how yesterday went but I guess I'm just upset and scared about it all too. They've been there for me all year and now I just feel even more alone knowing that they're not there anymore? It's weird. It's my first time seeing a psych so I've never experienced this before and feel stupid for being so freaked out about not being able to contact her but I can't seem to help it. I feel like my supports are gone and I'm alone in this now? Well my physical ones anyway.. I know I have you guys which I am so thankful for!! But I'm also one of those people that needs physical connections too. Like I don't know if anyone else feels it but I just wish I could meet everyone on here face to face. I feel like I'd be set with friends for life then. But obviously I can't and I get it. It totally sucks but I get it! I'm just weird like that I guess. I'm not good at being vulnerable so when I am open with someone I just want to know them too and seem to get really attached... 

I didn't get a chance to do much yesterday because I went straight from my appointment to work and I work 10hr shifts so by the time I got home it was late. But I have today off and am trying to think of something relaxing and nice to do because I know I need to try and pull myself out of this before it gets any worse. Any suggestions? I'm pretty mentally and physically exhausted at the moment so not up for anything too crazy! 

Sorry this was so long! I have a real bad habit of rambling on 😔 But thankyou so much for your reply, I really do appreciate it ❤

Oh @MB95 hearing about how your psychologist and the others praised you has made me so happy! You deserved that. 

Even though it is daunting going a month without seeing your biggest supporter at the moment, you made a really good point. You have found ReachOut and we hope that you know you are always welcome here to get support or even just to get things off your chest. Do you have any other support people in your life that you could spend time with over the next few weeks? 

It sounds like paying extra attention to relaxing would be a good idea at the moment. Especially since you're working long hours. Relaxation is different for everyone but we actually have heaps of wellbeing threads with different ideas for self-care. You can look through here

What kinds of activities do you enjoy? 🙂 

Thanks @Bre-RO. I feel slightly childish because it made me feel like a little kid being praised by their parents for doing something good that wasn't even a big deal 😂 But it did mean alot to me that I got to share that experience with them so I'm trying to look at it being more of a positive thing and just allow myself to feel the happiness and support they provided me. I really am lucky to have them. 

I have a feeling I'll be on here a hell of a alot while I'm not seeing her because it just makes me feel less alone which is nice. I'm actually heading home on Tuesday to spend the holidays with my family so will have my parents and siblings around me which will be nice. I'm so excited to see them all but also a little worried. They don't know about anything that's been going on for me or that I'm on meds and seeing a psych weekly so I always feel guilty about seeing them and hiding everything. But even though they don't know, I mostly love being around them and know that they'll be able to support me in other ways so I should be fine. Just knowing I have people around in the house to interact with is nice. I've learnt to be pretty tough and deal with things on my own over the years so I always manage to get by 😊

Thanks for the link I'll check it out shortly! @Bee also put me onto some awesome threads which I'll start using shortly too. I've just been struggling to keep my head above water at the moment with work and everything so am kind of excited to go home and have nothing to do so I can focus on everyones self-care suggestions alot more!! 

As for activities I enjoy.. I always find these questions so hard as I've kind of lost sight of myself but am working hard to figure it all out again. Umm.. probably anything outdoors! I've just been cleaning and tidying my room/house and am thinking of heading out for a walk by the river shortly if it cools down. And then cause I have the night off work I'm going to actually cook myself dinner which I enjoy doing 😊

What kinds of things do you enjoy or consider as hobbies?

@MB95  I am glad it went well.