TW: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Aw @MB95 I'm sorry to hear your housemates response to you opening up made you feel uneasy. In saying that, I think it's really positive that you did share something about yourself - holding things in can be a lot of pressure. Having sex for the first time is a really personal thing and it's everyone's right to make that choice under the right circumstances - I'm sure that is something you know though. I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't make you a child - there are many qualities that define you as a young adult. Being caring to others, reaching out for community + professional support and living independently are some of the few that I know about you 🙂 

So today has been difficult trying to decide if I'll go home before they shut the boarders tomorrow. I decided to drink tonight to try and relieve some stress dor a bit. It was with my housemates thiugh so it's all good. I'm just dissapointed in myself for feeling likd I needed too. We played a stupid drinking gsme and some question came up and basically my housemates found out I'm a virgin. They didn't tease me or anything but they were so shicked snd made it into a huge deal. I already feel so insecure about it and their reactions really didn't help. They qiestioned me about it but I shut them down and kept trying to change the topic. I just feel pathetic because of my age and 2 of the 3 are younger than me. I'm usually extremely private about that kind of stuff but I do get along well with them and I guess the alcohol helped to open up a little. I guess I just feel uneasy about it and like a little child. I hate the feeling that always comes with it. 

Thanks @Janine-RO ❤

I'm just about to walk into my appointment and this has made me smile SO MUCH!!! 😊😊😊

I really appreciate the support!!! ❤

Hey @MB95 , 

Feeling anxious like that is awful isn't it. Writing some of this stuff down sounds like a great idea, you're such an articulate and expressive writer, and I know that sometimes writing things down can be a really good option when it's something that you know may be hard to express in the moment, or might make you feel anxious. Good luck!

And just because I can't resist a good pun.. here's some encourage-mint 😉

Thanks @Janine-RO. I've been really anxious this morning and have to keep running to the bathroom because I don't feel well. I know it's just nerves about seeing my psych because I always get like this, espcially when they've had to connect with me to make sure I'm safe during the week. I just feel really embarrassed about it and find it so hard to see them again cause of it and with my attachment being so strong. It's like I'm so scared to see them it makes me sick but then I also really want to see them if that makes any sense? I'm going to try and write some of it down cause I've found that to be so much easier for me but I'll see how I go. 

Hey @MB95 , 

I've just been catching up a bit on everything - how are you feeling today? I can understand being really worried that opening up to your psych might scare her off, but I think it could be a really good idea. As @Andrea-RO  and @Taylor-RO  said, it's completely normal to have these feelings when you've established a good relationship with a mental health professional, and I'm sure they would understand how hard it would be for you to bring up. 

Let us know how you go, we're all here for you 🙂

Yeah I guess that's right @Taylor-RO. I don't actually want to see another psych, like not for the real stuff. It was just a suggestion I read one of the articles @Andrea-RO linked about attachment and I had thought about seeing my other psych about it just so I could talk to someone in person about it but idk. I'll try talk to my normal psych tomorrow, it just freaks me out cause I'm so scared it'll scare her off and I really don't want that to happen. 

Thanks for including those links @Andrea-RO - I just had a quick read of them and realised one was a link to Kati Morton's YouTube - do you watch her stuff or did you randomly come across that? Cause I love her!!! I think she's amazing and I've learnt so much from watching her clips!! 

This whole thing is definately weighing me down. I am trying so hard to not get attached or to think of them at all but it's like it's impossible? I've always had issues with attachment though and my siblings and friends always pay out on me for it. Which is why I just want to stop being this way!!! And I also feel like it's getting in the way of working with my psych because I'm so scared to open up to her properly because of how attached I get and I know I'm not going to cope well, espcially when we end our sessions. She has the confidence that I will be okay but I really don't agree with her because I know what I'm like. I struggle to let people go. I have tried to talk to her and she knows I have attachment issues just not how badly. She thinks that we need to work through some traumas to be able to address it properly but I'm really scared to go there and I'm scared if I do I will not cope with the attachment at all because I'm not good at being vulnerable. I'm just confused. I'm trying so hard to move forward and make progress but it's like I can't at the moment. I don't want to see anyone else because it's taken me years to work up the courage to see someone and almost a year to trust her and want to let her in, I just don't know how. I did read in one of those articles that some people take a break and go see another therapist about the attachment issues and then go back to them? Idk. I had actually thought about that but I'm not sure. I do have a second therapist I see when mine is unavailable but idk. I feel like I'm going behind my psychs back if I do that because I should be able to talk to her about it? 

Sorry. I know I bring attachment up ALOT in my posts but I just really struggle with it. And I've had a really shit week which always makes it worse when they are checking in on me so much.

Hey @MB95, 

I am really sorry to hear how much you've been struggling with your attachments to your therapists, and how you are not able to continue and build on this relationship outside of a therapeutic context. it would be so incredibly difficult to feel this way, and it sounds like it's been weighing on you a lot. 

First of all, I want to validate how you feel. It is totally normal to feel very strongly attached to your therapist. Many clients have to process emotions like this, and there is even a technical term for this situation called transference. In a therapeutic relationship you often enter into a "perfect" friendship. The focus is always on you and how you feel, as it should be in a therapy appointment! The issue lays when we start to imagine this as a realistic representation of a real life friendship. It might be helpful to remember that even if you were to know your therapists outside of therapy, they would be very different, and might be a lot more similar to the existing relationships that you already have. 

It sounds like you've got a lot of awareness and insight into your emotions, and how you feel about your psychs, which is incredibly admirable!! This ability to reflect on your internal state is a really good skill, and is the basis of a lot the psychological work that we do to grow and move forward. I know that it seems really scary to have to talk about this with your therapists but I really want to encourage you to open up about this. Often psychologists will use this transference as a jumping off point to talk about how you build and perceive relationships. By letting them know about how you're feeling, you can talk about it without feeling trapped or like you're keeping a secret,. This will also allow your sessions to be more productive and helpful for you in the long run as well!!

I've included a few links about transference, here, here, and here, so you can read a little more about it, and the experiences of others  

Hey guys.. I know it's really late but is anyone around? I'm just feeling really off and want someone to talk too. I thought I was starting to feel a little better yesterday after my other psych called to check in with me but I'm just not feeling it today. I had a pretty busy day with uni and work and was hoping it might keep me distracted but idk. I just feel weird. Like my suicidal thoughts aren't as strong as they were during the week but I still feel really disconnected. I have tried a couple of grounding strategies but still feel distant and like I'm not here? And for some reason I can't stop thinking about either of my psychs and I just wish I could spend time with them? I know it's not normal and it's stupid and could never happen but I just really wish I could spend time with them outside of sessions. Like I wish I'd met them as friends and not supports. I feel really weird about it and am not sure if it's just my attachment issues coming through but it's starting to really worry me. Like even when I'm at work I think of them and wish I could see them. And part of me really wishes I could just give them a hug? I wish I didn't feel this way and I'm not sure why I do or how to stop it? I have noticed though that whenever I get really suicidal these feelings get more intense. I don't know if maybe it's cause they make me feel safe because they know what's going on? I don't know. I'm so worried I'm starting to seem like I have an obsession with them. It's hard to explain. I don't, but for some reason I do really want to spend time with them and knowing I can't sometimes makes me feel even worse? Have any of you ever felt like this? I'm just not sure what to think of it and am so scared to bring it up with them. It's so strange because thdn other times I feel really angry towards them? Like I'd never show it to them but I just feel angry at them for no reason? I know I probably sound super crazy but if anyone can give me their opinion on what they think is going on or if they've ever experienced the same sort of 'obsessive thoughts' that'd be awesome! I just feel like a freak. 

Hey @MB95 ,

You're doing so well.  Talking with your psych and opening up is that a major workout for your brain.  You're going to want rest afterwards!  This is completely normal and part of the process.  Keep up the great work 

Thankyou @Taylor-RO. I am trying really hard.

It is great that you find ReachOut so helpful @MB95. It is also so special to have support services where you feel understood and heard. It sounds like you have been doing some important work with your psych, so I can understand how it has left you feeling exhausted. Well done on that by the way, it is not always an easy process to go through. Some sessions can be more challenging than others. Talking about safety and the thoughts that can accompany this can be so difficult to share for the first time. What you said doesn't sound stupid at all, learning how to cope with thoughts can often be the focus for some people. It really sounds like you are keeping on top of things by journaling and resting when you need it which is amazing! Sometimes it can help to have a check in - please know that you can open up with them if you are struggling

Thanks @Janine-RO, I'm usually one of those people who bottles everything up so I'm just not used to letting it out and it makes me feel like I'm trying to seek attention or something. Which I'm not. It's just nice to know you guys get it that's all. I've never had the support and people willing to listen until I found Reach Out and my psych. So thankyou, I do try and be more open now but sometimes I feel guilty about it so it's hard. 

It was definately exhausting after talking with my psych. I just had a sleep cause I was struggling to do anything or think straight and I also wrote in my journal for the first time in a while which helped. So talking to her today and just knowing that someone knows I'm really not okay did help. She questioned me alot around safety and now that she knows some of the thoughts and stuff I feel a bit relieved. I know it sounds stupid, she hasn't taken the thoughts away but I feel more like I can cope a bit more with them now? Idk. They are calling me again on Friday to check in and I guess it helps knowing there is someone there that cares? Makes me feel less alone and worthless I guess. Like I know you guys are on here but I've never met you guys and obviously never will which totally sucks, so it's just nice to know someone in real life is there to help as well. 

Hey @MB95 , 

Thanks so much for the update - and please don't feel like you need to apologise for using the forums! We are really happy that you come here and can use it as a safe space when you need it, you don't come across as needy at all.

You're reaching out when things are hard, which is a brave and smart thing to do - there's so many people out there who bottle everything up and suffer in silence, and seeking help and support is so important. 

It sounds like you were able to let some of those feelings when you talked to your psych this morning, it sounds exhausting, but do you think it helped a bit? 

It sounds like your psych is a really good support, good on you for giving the group program one more go. I hear how exhausted you've been feeling, and managing to still take those steps is really impressive. You're doing great 🙂

I'm just exhausted. My psych rang me thismorning and I thought it was just going to be a quick call but she talked to me for almost an hour and the things she asked me just drained me. It was kind of nice though because I haven't been able to feel or cry but talking to her I was able to cry a little so it felt like I was able to let some of the emotion out. I felt stupid for crying but she was really good about it. And just letting her know I'm not okay made me feel a bit safer and like I'm not completely alone.

And to answer your question, my psych is from my uni. Our Accessability team at uni passed me onto her last year when I was struggling with my exams and assignments. 

I have a face to face appointment on Monday with my psych before the group so we are going to talk about it more then but I think I'm going to try one more before I make my decision. She told me today that it's okay if I can't do all the activities and worksheets and stuff so that made me feel a little better about it cause I felt really pathetic that everyone else seemed to be coping with it except me. 

Thankyou for caring @Janine-RO. I feel really stupid for always needing to post on here and I hate being needy because I know I should be able to do this on my own. I do try really hard not to post my life on here but sometimes it's hard and I just need to know someone is out there so thankyou. I really do appreciate everything everyone in this community does.

Hey @MB95 , 

Just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling today, do you think you'll go back to the group? 

Do you think your university counselling service could be a way to get some extra individual support? I'm not sure if that's who you're already seeing, so sorry if this is redundant - I know I found them really helpful,and I know they can also be really helpful with liaising with academics/ advising you on practical stuff if you do need extensions, or help deciding whether to reduce your load. Navigating uni admin can be pretty brutal sometimes I know! 

Hope you're doing well today. Keep us posted  

I'm not sure why either @Eden1717. Maybe because she's the one running them and she thinks seeing me twice a week is too much? I don't know. She did say she wants me focusing on the group stuff while I'm doing it. But after yesterday I'm not sure I'll go back anyway so it'll make things easier.

@MB95 i am not sure why you cant do both group and private some of the groups i did insisted that you continue your own individual therapy at the same time... but idk what kind of group it is. do you think it would be good to look for additional professional supports for a while? 

Thanks @Janine-RO.

While I'm attending this group thing I'm not meant to be having one on one sessions because she wants me to be able to focus on that. She is also the one running it. I was meant to have an appointment thismorning but I thought it wasn't happening because I went to the group so I didn't go. I really needed it today too. I ended up emailing her and she is going to call me tomorrow morning and then I have an appointment with her on Monday before the group. 

I did check in with my GP yesterday cause my psych asked me too but I couldn't remember what I was there for. But I've found a good GP now and we talked about my medication and coming off it cause I don't want to be on it anymore. 

I tried to reach out to my best friend last night cause she often knows what to say and do but I feel really bad cause she said I was scaring her and she didn't know what to do cause she lives so far away. So I just feel really alone at the moment. I don't want to ask for her help anymore cause I don't want to make her feel the way she is but I also don't have anyone else other than my psych to talk too which is why I'm so thankful for everyone on here. So i really am sorry if I post on here too much sometimes. I just really hate being alone with my thoughts.

Hey @MB95 , 

You write so beautifully, and I can really relate to those feelings of feeling distant, numb, sad and angry - I know I've been there in the past, and I think a lot of people here on the forums could really relate. It's a really tough space to be sitting in. I remember feeling like things would never change for me, and it's an awful feeling. You don't have to go through it alone. 

You mentioned that you're worried that your psych will be frustrated with you - but not knowing exactly what you want to do is really common when you're feeling like this. It can be easy to feel "stuck", and hopefully that is something she will be able to help you with. Do you think sharing what you've written here with her could be helpful? 

We are all here for you, I really admire how many steps you've taken in the last few months. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you're doing an amazing job, and we're really glad you're reaching out here. 

Are you seeing your psych this week? Sometimes chatting to a GP can be helpful as well, there's a lot of things they can check out that can contribute to those feelings. Sending virtual hugs your way. 

I'm not sure how I'm feeling to be honest @Janine-RO. I just feel so distant and out of it at the moment. I went to the group thing today and am not sure how I feel about it and then I played a game of volleyball with my housemates which brought up so much amxiety but I was trying to be so strict with myself the whole time and just suck it up and be normal but it was so hard. I'm just exhausted and feel do down and alone at the moment and can't work out why. I just feel really sad and lonely and like I'm worth nothing and don't belong here.

I did take that day away from my studies and built my bookshelf and sorted my room out a bit cause I hadn't done it since moving in and it was nice. I just feel like I don't care about anything at the moment and don't know why. I have an exam on the weekend and haven't even looked at my notes because I just don't care about passing. Normally I have to get HDs in everything but for some reason I can't motivate myself to care anymore. 

Thanks for sharing your story about dropping your load at uni. I don't really know what to do and just really don't feel much for life at the moment. Every now and then I have these ups where I feel like I might be able to do this but then they are followed by these downs and no matter how hard I try there are so many more downs at the moment. I just feel lile things aren't worth it and this is all too hard. I'm never going to be normal no matter how hard I try so I guess I just have to get used to it.

Sorry for sounding so negative but I just don't have much left in me at the moment and I feel so distant and out of place. I am trying but I judt feel sad, numb and angry. It's like I'm watching myself from thr outside but can't connect with the world of that makes any sense?