TW: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..
So it's probably a real stupid question to ask if anyone's ever felt lonely before because most people have, but I just wanted to see if any of you have some tips on how to deal with it?
Uni has just finished and it's made me realise how alone I am. I have no friends or family where I'm living so mostly spending days at home alone if I'm not at work and it's really starting to get to me.
I just feel really numb and sad and my self-harm/suicidal thoughts are pretty full on at the moment. I'm trying not to listen to them but when there isn't much else going on it's bloody hard!!!
I also saw my psychologist yesterday and tried to ask her if we could do two sessions next week instead of one because it's our last week before holidays and there's a lot I feel like I want to talk to her about. I'm also kind of scared I'm not going to have contact with her for over a month but she didn't seem to like the idea so we just booked one session. I know she didn't mean anything by it and she's busy but for some reason it's really upset me and made me angry and now I don't even want to go next week. I know she didn't mean it, but it just made me feel like she's sick of me and doesn't want to work with me anymore and it's just made me feel even more alone and worthless. Any suggestions on how I can stop feeling like this? Especially towards her because she really is an awesome therapist and it's upsetting me that for some reason I'm angry at her?!?
I also wanted to ask if anyone else experiences anger with loneliness? Like all I want is for someone to care and want to spend time with me, not because it's their job or they have too, but because they want too. And then when no one does I get angry and hate myself (and others) but then when someone does actually show interest and wants to help I also get angry and push them away?!?! Like I can't make sense of it. I want someone to ask me how I am and show they care but then if someone does I try my best to push them away and then get angry when they go? I know it's ridiculous but I really can't help it. Does anyone else ever feel like this or is it just me? Because it sucks and I don't want to seem ungrateful!!!!
Hey @MB95 ,
Just catching up on the posts from the weekend, I think you've shown so much strength and self-awareness in knowing why you felt like you had to drink a lot, but also recognising that it isn't something that you want to rely on as a crutch to deal with problems. A lot of people don't have that level of insight about themselves and why they drink, and I think it's really impressive - especially when you're at uni and getting drunk can be such a normalised thing.
Your idea of taking the day off and not do any uni work and reflect on yourself instead sounds like a great one, how did you go? Were you able to do anything nice for yourself?
I hear you saying that you feel like a failure if you defer uni for a semester or drop your study load, and I feel for you so much - I have had exactly those feelings myself about uni in the past. It can be so hard to show ourselves the compassion we would show to other people sometimes.
I did end up dropping my study load down for two semesters and it was absolutely the best decision for myself, my family and my mental health - it meant I graduated after my friends, but my academic advisor was incredibly supportive and congratulated me for putting myself first. It's so common for uni students to end up really burnt out, and universities will generally understand that sometimes "life happens." I think that considering this option is the opposite of being a failure - it shows that you are self-aware, are being proactive in managing your own mental health and are taking steps to help to do the work you need to do. If you decide to take time off to travel, that's also totally okay! So many people find that they need time and space to work things out, and again, I think it shows a lot of courage.
How are you feeling today?
Honestly @Taylor-RO I don't really know.. maybe try and go for a walk or something instead? I think I'm going to try and take the day out for myself tomorrow and not do any uni and just spend the day reflecting and trying to sort myself out. I just feel so lost and like I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing and my poor psych is trying so hard with me and I think she's really struggling to work out what I want from her because she's asked me a couple times what I want to focus on first and I can never seem to give her a clear answer.
I have thought about taking a break from uni and taking a year off to go and travel again to try and find myself. But it's also a way I run away from things and is why I came back to Australia because I want to deal with things so I can move on. I also just want to get my degree over and done with because I feel like I'm starting to get too old to be at uni now. So if I take time off it might just be for a semester or I might just look at dropping my load like @Alison5 suggested. I don't know. I do know I'm really struggling at uni at the moment and my psych is worried about my quality of life and does think it's something we need to consider and I know I do, I just can't help but feel like I've failed if I drop down or take some time off. Like I'd be the first to suggest and support someone else through it but when it comes to me I can't help but feel like a failure.
Hi @MB95, thanks for being so brave in sharing all of that. It sounds like you have done a lot of self-reflection and decided that you no longer want to engage in drinking. Sometimes we do things that may feel helpful at the time but actually realise that it has had a negative impact. It is quite normal to experience this and the most important part is reflecting on the impact it has had on you - which you have done amazingly well 
What would you do if you felt like you needed a bit of relief again?
It is really great to see that you have been making some big decisions about the direction of your therapy. It is not always easy to do but remember that you always call the shots. You can change the direction at any time because it is your journey 
You also mentioned a little bit about taking a break from university.. Is this something you think would be helpful?
Thankyou guys. I'm okay I guess, just absolutely exhausted and feeling the lows I often feel after drinking which I know is stupid and I only have myself to blame. I'm so angry at myself that I felt like I needed it but I just wanted to forget for a while. I am sorry, I'm not usually like this. To answer your question @Bre-RO I think I just knew deep down that the drinking wasn't me and that I needed to try and find myself again, which is what I am trying SO HARD to do now!!! I hate what alcohol does to people which is why I tend to avoid it. But I was just really low the other day and couldn't bring myself to self-harm so decided the next best thing was to try and ride myself off in the hope my thoughts and feelings would go away. Today has been a wake up call though because as much as part of me just wants to finish off what's in the fridge the other part of me is not going to allow it to happen. I spoke to my best friend in Canada today and I think I just needed the reminder that I have people like her and they'd be so disappointed in me if they knew. And I really don't want that.
I think seeing my psych today has also worn me out. It was a really short session cause I was late but I felt like we crammed so much into it. My emotions were everywhere and I got a bit teary and just didn't really know what was going on. So I'm exhausted.
Thankyou for reminding me that what my psych said is just a suggestion @Alison5 and that I don't actually have to do it. She made sure I knew I had choices but she also said that alot of what I'm experiencing at the moment sounds like it's linked to my traumas and that if I want to deal with it then I'm going to have to go down that path eventually rather than avoiding it all the time. I get where she's coming from and it all makes sense, I just don't know how to tell if I'm ready and I'm so scared about how it's going to affect my uni which is why she suggested also taking a break. Idk. I'll work it out, i just need some time to weigh up what's best to do. And I am 100% hearing you - thank you so much for sharing your experience because I didn't really think about it but I also need to be kept busy! Sometimes I really feel like we are the same person with everything you say!!
My psych also just emailed me cause we forgot to talk about that group thing I mentioned about the social anxiety? But I've decided to hold off till the next one because I really don't think I'm ready for that cause she said that if I do that then our individual sessions would take a break until it's over and I feel like I need them alot more at the moment then some group thing? Idk. It sounded good but maybe just not for right now.
Hey there @MB95
There's no need to say sorry about your message - you're not alone in getting into that head space where you want to ride yourself off to cope. I'm so happy you felt comfortable to come to the forums, even though you were feeling really low.
The main thing is that you recognise it isn't a coping strategy that is a helpful solution. You were able to steer clear from drinking for two years, which I think is a massive strength. What helped you stop drinking in the past?
I am really proud of you for seeing your psych and writing things down to address. You are taking so many proactive steps and I know it isn't always easy for you when seeing your psych. Whenever you tell us about your sessions it's clear that she really cares for your well-being. How are you feeling after the session?
Well done for having the initiative to write some of those things down.
Just remember that those things she suggested are just for consideration. You don’t have to do any of it.
She may be suggesting a trauma specialist because she isn’t equipped to help you properly. I know I got on-referred because my psych (whom I loved) didn’t feel she could assist me properly and get me the care I needed. I was super upset but it was definitely the right decision in that some of the issues have been addressed and I’ve been able to get better. (Something she was pretty sure she couldn’t have done).
Your psych also mentioned perhaps taking a break from Uni. This is obviously a decision that is completely up to yourself, but I’ll just give my opinion on which you can take or leave.
This was once suggested for me, however, I knew that I did well when I was busy and had plenty of things to do. Despite it being stressful or even overwhelming at times, being busy was the only thing that kept me functioning. It kept my brain active and my mind working.
My parents and I both knew that so we elected to reduce my load but certainly not cease everything. That way I was keeping busy but also not overloaded with things to do.
It might be something to think about. Perhaps dropping one or two subjects so you’re only there part time or dropping all but one and maybe get a part time job.
There are many possibilities, but I would just be careful about stopping everything as we require a stimulus to keep us functioning. And if there’s too much focus on your mental health and how you’re unwell and it’s a daily reminder, it can actually do more harm than good. This is also one of the reasons hospitals try to discharge you relatively quickly.
Also be careful of the “all or nothing” phrase many people find themselves in. We have to try and find a middle ground 👍🏼 (I’m a big culprit of this 😝)
Anyway, just some things to think about. And as always, keep us updated and let us know your thoughts on here 💜
Thanks @Alison5. I just feel really low and alone. I was 30min late to my appointment so was only a quick one but I wrote some stuff down last night to give to her which I guess helped us to address a few things quicker. She wants me to consider taking a break from uni and maybe seeing a trauma specialist though which I really don't want to do. It took alot for me to see her and feel comfortable with her and I don't want to see anyone else because she's the only person I want to work on things with.
I’m sorry to hear of how you were feeling last night. But reading your post this morning is really encouraging.
You have recognized that you don’t want to go down that path again and considering bringing it up to your psych is amazing.
I do think this could benefit you both by doing this.
Do let us know how it goes and I hope you’re feeling alright this morning.
hey @scared01 !
How's it going! We haven't chatted in a little while I'll be logging off soon, but I'll be sure to respond once I'm back on!
@MB95 I may have missed bits of this conversation but I think I read the last 2 pages. When my parents first found out about my depression/self harm issues (they already knew I had very bad anxiety) my mother was very upset and kept making it about herself and saying how she felt guilty and it was her fault, this of course wasn’t true or helpful but I think as a parent especially if they want to be supportive it can feel like it is a personal failure to have a child who isn’t happy. Again this isn’t true but it happens. My mum is the kind of person who like to fix things and gets very frustrated when she can’t especially with her kids and it caused a lot of tension for a long time but although it has taken a number of years my mum is much better at dealing with my mental health issues. For her she has told me that she did feel it was her fault and that she should be able to fix it which made her feel very guilty and sad, she also said the thing that helped her come to terms with it so to speak was that when she spoke to my psychologist they told her that her only job was to love me and that she didn’t have to fix things and that that was the psychologists job not hers. She said it took a big weight off her shoulders because she didn’t feel so responsible after.
Now I can talk to her about some things not everything but we have a much better relationship I guess my point is that it can take time not only for everyone to adjust to the news but there are so many different feelings for everyone to process and everyone process feelings differently and at different rates. Also sometimes people have to come the these realizations on their own I am not sure if I am making much sense. I wish I could just send my thoughts into other people’s heads that would be much easier. Anyway give them some time and give yourself some time, if they are supportive like you say then I am sure it will work out they may just need time to figure out how to support you now and what their role is now in being there for you.
I think that's great that you've even managed to write the letter and are considering giving it to your parents. You should be very proud of yourself - a great start to the year! 😛
I'll just say it, but there is never a perfect time for this sort of thing and you could always come up with excuses not to. By the sounds of it, it's not that you don't WANT to tell them it's that you're SCARED to telling them and that's perfectly normal. If you didn't want to, you wouldn't have written the letter or reached out here, so go you!! 😃
I understand you must be so exhausted! I think you mentioned you had a dog earlier so perhaps you could give them the letters and then take the dog outside and just throw a toy so you don't have to walk.
I think out of the 3 days you have described, tonight sounds like a plan, but you need not make yourself upset over it. I know you mentioned you aren't sleeping or eating properly and maybe once you've given it to them, you'll have a sense of relief that will make things better than you thought.
I know you've got it in you and i'm sure this is a good decision for you and your family's long term benefit. The first step is always the hardest. Just take some deep breaths and if you can, just give it to them and get out of there if you need to.
I'm really rooting for you and send you all my strength. ❤️
You can do it!!
Thankyou SO MUCH @Alison5 ❤
You really do always know what to say. I like your idea about taking my dog outside and if I don't have the energy to take her for a walk then I might just do that. I don't know, I'm usually one to bolt from awkward scary situations which is why I wanted to completely leave the house. But thankyou for the idea, it is great and like I said, if I can't leave the house then that's what I'll do!
I honestly don't think I have it in me today. Earlier I thought I could do it but I'm a bit too in my own head now and I'm struggling to come back from it. Your support and encouragement has helped though so I'll see how I'm feeling after dinner but once I get these thoughts in my head I really struggle to control them. It's also hard because my grandad is here too so I can never seem to get my parents alone. And they decided to buy another Christmas ham to cook tonight so we're all kind of relaxing out the back together so I'm not sure I'd be able to bring it up.
Do you think Saturday would be too late because I leave that night? I don't know. If we get back at a decent time from our drive tomorrow I might try tell them then. I just get the feeling I'm going to have to escape the house for a bit that's all so don't want to be doing it in the dark.
Thanks again for your response, and I really am sorry to bother you on NYs!!
Hey @MB95
I feel for you. It can be scary opening up!
In terms of telling them - what do you think would be the easiest for you? Do you think it might be easiest to leave them the note (say, on their bed) just before you leave on Saturday so that they read it after you leave? Or do you think this might increase your anxiety because you'll worry about their reaction all the way home?
I agree with @Anonymous - only open up to them if you want to. Putting all opinions aside for the moment, do you want to tell your parents? What are the pros and cons of telling them? Perhaps you can write up a little pros/cons list to aid your decision
It's definitely not a problem if you can't do it tonight. As @Anonymous mentioned, there's no time limit. I guess you could call or text them if they have questions after you leave which could be something you prefer?
or now, try and focus on clearing your headspace and just relaxing. Try some mindfulness or distractions to help get through tonight and to hopefully get some good sleep.
I hope you had a happy New Year and whatever you choose to do, is neither right or wrong. You've got to be comfortable - you've got it!
❤️
@MB95 Sometimes it is easy to stress and worry about others finding out but in my experience people who are close to you often already know or at least have an idea that something isn’t right, and sometimes it is actually a relief to them to find out what it is and they may not be a surprised as you think...
Thanks @Eden1717 ❤
Something tells me my parents aren't going to find it surprising if I do end up telling them.. but it just makes it all real which is the scary part I'm trying so hard to come to terms with at the moment!!
@MB95 So it is more of a not wanting to accept it for yourself or not wanting to acknowledge it that is hard for you? Like you are keeping yourself in denial by not telling your family so you can pretend it isn’t happening? Is that what you mean? Do you know why you are having trouble coming to terms with it?
I hadn't really thought of it as denial @Eden1717 but yeah, I don't want to be stressing them out by telling them and it also makes it more real for me which I guess I'm struggling with because I'm still finding it hard to accept. Like idk, I feel like I'm slowly starting to accept that after thinking it was in my head for so long that my mental issues are in fact a real thing and that I do need help for it. But it's like admitting it to my family makes it real? Idk. It's weird and probably doesn't make any sense. Cause it doesn't make sense to me either 😂
@MB95 It does make sense and isn’t super weird to not feel ready to accept it. I think because of the society we live in having a mental health issue can often been seen as who you are not something you have to live with so when it comes to acceptance it can feel like accepting it means you as a person are now not the same person and that the MI is you like a replacement of your identity which can feel super confusing and weird even though it isn’t actually doing that but idk it can feel like you have to reveal to people that you aren’t as human as they are because of the stigma. I am not explaining my point well at all but I will leave it there because I am tired. Sorry this probably makes no sense I might check back later.
Hey @MB95,
I'm so glad to see you getting so much support from the community!!
It totally makes sense that you are feeling stressed about telling your parents. While our family can often be our biggest source of love and support, they can also often be the hardest people to open up to. As paradoxical as this seems, it's often because we don't want to worry, or cause stress for those we love. It also totally make sense that it feels like that speaking about it can make it seem more really and scary, especially if those you love see your mental illness is something that is scary.
One way you can bring it up it a less confronting way could be to talk more about what support you need and how you are feeling. If clinical labels don't sit well with you, you don't have to use them You can still gain the support you need by saying things like "Is it ok if I spend some more time with you?", "I'm feeling a little under pressure right now, would you be able to help me with some things?", or even "I'm feeling a little sad at the moment, and I could use some comfort". This allows you to be open and honest about the most important aspects of your mental illness (how you feel and the support you need), without necessarily over-alarming those you love. Let us know if this helps!
Hi @MB95,
I can completely understand the feeling of not being ready to tell family. Reading through your last post, what I am hearing is that you are often the one that is supporting and holding up your family, and that they rely on you to help them and offer support when they need it. Is that correct? A very courageous and noble thing to do for family
Your posts these last few weeks show me that you are such a compassionate, empathetic and caring person- these are just some of the incredible strengths that make you such an amazing support to others around you It's a real gift! But it can be so hard to talk about how you are feeling when you have been the person that other people have come to for help. At the same time, you are deserving of the same support, kindness and compassion that you give others
So many aspects of your story I can relate to, particularly around the tension between wanting to work on recovery independently, and knowing that my family were starting to see signs something was not right when I wasn't ready to talk about it- I think a lot of ReachOut members can relate to this too! Ultimately, you know yourself and your family better than anyone- do what is right and comfortable for you. You may find, like in my case, if and when you do decide to talk to your family about how you are feeling, that they may have already had an inkling something was going on.
And yes your dog definitely counts as a family member you are close to! In fact, practicing tough conversations with a pet before speaking to a person can be really helpful too. Dogs are great listeners and you will always get support and love from them!
Thank you so much for your kind words @Jess1-RO ❤ I'd really lost sight of myself and who I am and what type of person I am and just the other week my psych asked me to list a couple of words that described me. I couldn't actually think of any so she stepped in instead and they are the same three words she used for me which is freaky!! Like we all understand, it's a slow process but I feel like I'm FINALLY making progress and tapping into some of my old strengths 😊
You're not wrong when you say "it can be so hard to talk about how you are feeling when you have been the person that other people have come to for help". I'm just so used to having to be the strong one and hide my own emotions that I find it almost impossible to let others know how I'm really feeling. I don't know, I'm pretty good at covering it up and coming across like I have my shit together so I also worry that people won't take me seriously and might think it's just for attention. Which it defiantly wouldn't be because I actually HATE attention. But it takes me ALOT to open up to someone and trust them so when they don't take me seriously it just hurts and makes it even harder to open up again. I've just been let down so much in the past and made to feel so worthless that I've kind of given up on bothering to share with others because it's like I know it won't end well.. and that hurts in itself because sometimes I just wish I had someone there for me that was willing to care just as much as I do for them. I don't mean to sound needy or selfish either but it would just be nice..
I understand my parents would probably be different because I'm their daughter but it still scares and worries me. I personally believe their mental health is also not great due to a family trauma we all experienced years ago and so I really worry about telling them because I fear they will just blame themselves which I don't want!!! And yes, I've been the one my parents come too.. moreso my mum (my dad doesn't show emotion). And I just don't want my younger siblings to know because I feel like I'm the one that is meant to be strong and protecting them?
I know that my parents and siblings have definately caught on this past year because with adding my first year of uni stress to the mix I've really struggled to keep my head above water and not show signs of my struggles. I became pretty withdrawn and went off the grid for a bit and my mum keeps messaging me randomly some mornings to say she loves me and hopes I have a good day which she never used to do. So I feel like they're certainly onto me.. 😔
I never thought of practising with my dog 😂 I might have to give it a try! I talk to her quite a bit and it's like she knows everything the way she looks in my eyes and follows me around when I'm upset. She usually makes me cry because it's like she's truly listening but just can't respond. Sometimes I really wish she could!!
Hey @MB95,
No questions are ever dumb or silly, especially when it comes to checking in with your mental health, and getting support and advice around it, particularly when it comes to negative feelings like loneliness.
Loneliness is a super common emotion for almost every human on the planet. Because humans are social creatures, it makes sense that we need and crave the company of others. It sounds really tough to be so isolated from your family and friends at the moment, and I can imagine it's really stoking that sense of loneliness that you are struggling with at the moment.
It's really good that you're trying to ignore and distract yourself from thoughts of self-harm and suicide. Distracting yourself with activities is actually one of the most effective ways to manage really difficult thoughts like that, and so you're definitely on the right track. I was wondering if you have any favourite hobbies or activities that you do often, as these are not just a great distraction mechanism, but they're also a great way of meeting new people who share your interests this could be joining a sporting group who do rock-climbing, yoga, or a team sport, or it could be joining a club, or even something like a dnd group who are looking for a new player (you can find these sort of groups at board game shops/bars!).
It's also really good that you've got some really healthy insight into the anger and frustration that you sometimes feel around the topic of getting help. It's also pretty common to feel disappointed or annoyed at your therapist if they reject a request (like wanting two sessions in a week). It's really important to just keep in mind that your therapist isn't doing this to hurt you, and they probably have a really good reason for doing so - they might have other clients booked in, other personal activities planned (like going to the doctors/dentist themselves), or even think that it's better for your therapeutic strategy to have more time between sessions. Sitting with that feeling of discomfort is a really gross chore, but it's also one of the most important elements to owning your own emotions, and having more agency over them. We might not always be able to control how we feel, but we can always control how we react to those feelings.
