TW: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..

Yeah I always wondered that and kind of thought it was cruel to have them in a bowl cause it is so small which is why I hadn't really looked into it too much yet.. I guess I just feel like I want something to look after that's small and easy and that's what came to mind.. but I think I'll just forget that idea and stick to my plants! 

Oooh, I really like @Eden1717 's idea of a crab! I'm no fish expert (I've always had cats) but I do know that a lot of fish in bowls don't live very long lives unfortunately. 

@MB95  those feelings of anger, and then feeling pathetic and like you don't deserve help, sound so distressing, and I can hear that maybe part of you knows that you aren't wasting anyone's time and do deserve help - but I also know it can be really hard to avoid those negative, self-critical voices telling you otherwise. 

Binge watching peaky blinders sounds like an excellent way to take care of yourself tonight if that's what works (I love a good accent myself!) - be kind to yourself, you're doing so well. We're all here for you if you need to vent. 

@MB95  Fishbowls are NOT good environments for fish, fish require proper filtration and and the tank would become toxic very quickly without that. You can get one fish and a small tank but it needs a proper filter proper substrate and you still need to cycle it and if it is anything other than a comet you would have to have a heater but should have one anyway. Basically all the things you need to buy to keep a fish healthy are expensive and then upkeep can also cost money. Fish are not simple or easy pets and it is very easy to accidentally kill them. I really wouldn’t get a fish until you had done a lot of research if I were you. I am not trying to tell you what to do just saying they are hard to keep. You could maybe try a hermit crab if you want something in a tank.... I hope your day is going well. 

Thanks @Janine-RO. It's just annoying because when I have the really low bursts and slowly start to come out of it it's like anger completely takes over because I feel stupid for feeling and thinking or trying what I did. I just end up hating myself even more and feeling really guilty. Like today I'm really annoyed I had to call my psych last week and reach out for help and feel so embarrassed and stupid for it. And then because she didn't check in today I feel like she doesn't care and she thinks I'm just making it all up for attention and that I don't actually feel what I feel. Idk. It's hard to explain and make sense of. I don't really understand it myself, I just know I hate it. I feel pathetic and like I really don't deserve help. I'm meant to have my weekly appointment tomorrow but I really want to cancel because I'm just so angry and all over the place and don't want to talk to my psych. It's so stupid!!! 

But yeah, I'm really trying with self care today. I tried to go into uni but sat there for an hour feeling really off and upset so I decided to come home. I'm now just binge watching peaky blinders (mainly for the accents lol) and was thinking maybe I'll try do my nails and a face mask or something later on if I can be bothered. I really am trying!! The motivation just isn't quite there..

Thanks for the advice!! 😊 Those string of pearls are sooo pretty!!! 😍 I was thinking of getting some succulents so maybe I will! And possibly some string of pearls too cause I really like them! I feel like this might slowly turn into a bit of an addiction haha.. I just hope I can keep them all alive!!!! 

@MB95  I think it's totally understandable to be feeling pretty worn out today, yesterday, and last week in general, sound like they were really huge for you. I think you've been doing an amazing job coping with everything - can you focus on self care today?

I love peace lillies! My only advice is not to water it too much, only when they start really drooping. My other favourites at the moment are succulents, I love all of the different varieties you can get, and I especially love that they are hardy and pretty hard to kill (unless you overwater them). I have some beautiful string of pearls on my balcony (the ones in the picture below). I love all of the different types of lillies too, but they're toxic to cats so I can't have them inside. 

Thanks @Eden1717, I'll keep that in mind! I was thinking of starting like REALLY small if I do.. as in like just a small like fish bowl thing with like one fish haha Something to just put by my bed that I have a responsibility to care for and keep alive? Idk.. I really wouldn't know anything about it, was just an idea that popped into my head so if you have any tips I'd love to hear them! 

Thanks for checking in @Janine-RO, I really appreciate it! I'm not having a great day today to be honest. I'm trying, but I'm really not. I just feel really down and numb again. I guess yesterday was just a really big day for me and has kind of worn me out maybe cause I woke up feeling exhausted. Like I've only been up a few hours. And idk, I guess I was expecting to hear from my psych today and haven't so it probably hasn't helped. I just feel really stupid and alone. So I really do appreciate you checking in, it makes me feel like someone actually does care, so thanks! I'm trying not to end up back where I was last week but it's definately not easy! 

I have to say, waking up to my plants thismorning did help though - I can see how you've become addicted!! If you have any suggestions for some indoor ones I could buy I'd love to hear them! I bought a peace lily yesterday and two others but I can't remember what they're called 😂

Hey @MB95 , just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today? 

I'm so glad to hear that things were starting to feel a bit better for you on the weekend. Plants sounds like a great self-care activity! I've become slightly addicted to succulents and gardening in general lately, and I find it really therapeutic. It's really lovely to see something slowly grow and change  

@MB95  I am glad you feel a bit better, don’t get fish as a first pet they are super hard to care for properly and most people end up having them die because no one tells you how to look after them you have to test the ph, ammonia, water hardness, nitrates, nitrites and more plus you have to cycle the tank which can take like a month or more before you can even put a fish in and then you need to make sure the fish you get are compatible and then you need to make sure the heater is set right and there is so much to think about they aren’t easy pets despite what most people think. Honestly out of the easiest pets I have had I would say birds are the easiest to look after..... dogs are good but can be needy but it really depends how much time you have.... 

Thanks for listening to me carry on @Taylor-RO, I appreciate it! 

I managed to keep myself nice and occupied today so my thoughts are starting to feel less overwhelming and it's great!!! I'm starting to feel a little more in control again which is nice 🙂 I went and bought myself some plants and spent the day repotting them etc. so now I have something to take care of I think it'll help make me feel more worthwhile with the responsibility. Thinking of getting a pet but not sure what just yet..  I really want a dog but was thinking maybe a fish or something cause I just wanna start off small and cheap for now.. idk. The plants have defs been a mood booster though!! 

Feel like I just need something to keep me going atm so if anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them! I really don't want to go back to where I just was!!!

Thanks @Taylor-RO, I tried to call yesterday but couldn't get onto them so tried emailing and it turns out there were no appointments anyway which I thought would be the case. The psych did email me before she left the office for the day though with a list of activities to keep me busy over the weekend which I've found to be a helpful distraction. It was also comforting to just hear from her in some way seems I couldn't have an appointment with her. The voices and thoughts haven't completely gone but they definately aren't as strong so things are getting a little easier thank god! I have an appointment with my psych on Tuesday and I have no doubt she's going to end up calling me on Monday now too knowing her. 

My psych has given me a few strategies but we kinda had to just take a few steps backwards cause it was all too overwhelming. I'll check those links out at some stage though when I'm feeling a little more up to it, thanks for sharing them with me! 

Unfortunately my psych already knows I don't like opening up, especially to people I don't know. She just didn't really have a choice the other day cause the other psych I usually see had left for the day so she couldn't arrange for her to do a check in cause she was already fully booked. Normally she'd call me before her first appointment but she wasn't there to ask so I get it. My psych kinda gave me the altermatom of either choosing a welfare check/the hospital or a check in call. I'm terrified of the hospital and having police come to my house so obviously chose the second option. I understand she was concerned for my safety and whatever but it kind of just made it worse. I'm trying not to be angry at her because I know it's her job and she has to do everything she can to keep me safe but I'm still annoyed I had to talk to that lady and that she knew about my thoughts. I'm going to try and make it clear to my psych on Tuesday that I never want to talk to a random ever again. 

Well done on recognising that you really need that support right now @MB95. It can be difficult to admit and realise this but you have been really in tune with yourself over the last few days. It is so great that you are continuously reaching out for support online and in person. When were you thinking of calling/making the appointment for?

It can be easy to make negative self-talk a habit, we have all been there at some point in our lives. Over time, you can get better at realising when you are engaging in this pattern and nip it in the bud before it begins to snowball. ReachOut has some articles that refer to self awareness, although this article on challenging negative thoughts can be helpful for when your thoughts are getting in the way of doing things. It can feel uncomfortable and challenging at first as you are going against what your mind is used to doing. It also may not work each time you challenge your thoughts but your mind will get better at it the more you do it. Your psychologist might also be able to help with some other strategies and tools too.

It is totally fine to not want to talk to someone because you don't want to share your personal information. It might be worth letting your psychologist know that you find it really unhelpful to talk to new people about that kind of thing. You could also mention what you would prefer if this situation were to happen again. That way you can get the support you need in the future without feeling awkward or uncomfortable 

Thanks @Bre-RO. I think I'm going to try and call to see if the other psych has any spare appointments cause I'm really not feeling great and just want to talk to someone. I'm just trying to work up the courage cause I really don't want to waste her time. I tried the yoga again thismorning but I just can't do it. 

And yeah, my psych has mentioned it a few times. 

Hey @MB95 looking through previous safety plans is a good idea. Let us know how it goes and if you need any support implementing the strategies.

Also, I think when it comes to being your own worst critic, I think a lot of people would relate. It is hard to stop judging yourself especially if you've done it without thinking for a long time. It's a process of unlearning a behavior - the first step is noticing when you are doing it and observing that thought process. Is that something you to talk to your psych about? 

Yeah I guess so.. I know you're definitely right and that I'm my own worst critic but I just don't know how to not judge myself? I've done it for years so it's just so normal I never realise when I'm doing it unless it's pointed out to me? Which I'm sure is the same for most people! 

Thank you for making me feel a bit better about the chat with the counsellor. I guess because I'm training to be a health professional myself atm I can always see where they're coming from and what they're trying to do so when I don't make it easy for them I just feel terrible cause I can imagine being in their shoes. Like I didn't want to make it awkward and hard for her but I really didn't want to talk to her either. 

I'm going to look at the emails from my psychologists from the past when they've emailed me safety plans and see if any of them will help. I didn't even think of it till just before. But if I need too I'll try and remember to check out that website. 

Thanks @Taylor-RO. 

Hey @MB95, they are some pretty tough thoughts to sit with. Reading your post, it seems like you feel like people will judge you. Do you think some of this judgement is coming from yourself? We can be our own worst critic sometimes. Everyone is at different stages in their mental health journey. Anyone who has empathy and compassion would be glad that you reached out for support rather than harming yourself. Their job is to support people for a wide range of reasons and they take all situations seriously Anyone with personal or professional experience knows that people can be unsure, scared and ambivalent at times. 

It is fair enough that you didn't feel comfortable chatting to the counsellor. It has taken time for you to build your relationship with your psychologist and I know a lot of people feel similarly. It can be quite embarrassing and awkward to talk to someone new, so I am sorry that it wasn't helpful. With all of that being said, it is great that you have some safety plan stuff to follow to get you through the next few days. If it is helpful, Beyond Blue have a website for Safety Planning which you could add some more ideas to. If you think of anything else that might be helpful or need ideas, please let us know We are so happy that you find chatting here helpful.

I just feel like I shouldn't call because I don't deserve her time @Taylor-RO. Like I really want to talk to her, especially after today being such a shit call. But I really don't want to waste her time. And I'm so scared they think I'm calling for attention and getting sick of me. Like I feel like they probably just roll their eyes at me because I've had to reach out a couple times in the past year when things have got bad but I've never been able to follow through on my thoughts because I end up getting so close and then scaring myself. I'm scared they think I'm faking it because I'm usually so good at hiding it and then when I do need help and try to tell them things I don't usually follow through and feel like such a coward and a waste of everyones time. I don't know, I just feel like there's other people who actually will act on their thoughts and need more help then me? It's hard to explain.

The counsellor didn't really do much at all. We spoke for 5min and I could tell she was pretty lost for words and wasn't sure what to do. I felt really bad cause I know it's my fault and I didn't make it easy for her and she was only trying to do her job but I really don't like talking to people I don't know about personal things, especially bloody suicide. I was just so angry my psych even made me do it in the first place and felt so uncomfortable. So nope, we didn't come up with anything. She just told me about the notes my psych had left her and then just said the same 'safety plan' stuff my psych mentioned to get me through last night. So I'm trying to do that again tonight. And then I guess I'll just keep trying other shit to distract me from my thoughts. And I'll use RO too which I find helps alot. 

Thanks @Bre-RO. It wasn't easy getting myself out of bed to do some yoga but I know nothing is gonna change if I don't at least try things. I'm just strating to get really frustrated that nothing seems to be working. Because I am trying. So fucking hard. But it's like I can't escape it no matter what I do. 

Yeah I know.. like I understand why she got the counsellor to call me but I really didn't like it. It just made me feel so much worse and I was so angry that my psych told her some of the thoughts I was having. Idk, I've never met the counsellor before so it really annoyed me that she knew some personal shit about me. I just wish the other psych I usually talk to when mine is away was free 😔 Cause I really want to talk to her. I at least have met her and she knows who I am and where I'm at with things. Like my psych asked the counsellor to make a safety plan with me for the weekend and she had no clue what she was doing. Whereas when the other psych calls she know what to say and always helps me come up with a plan and then emails it to me cause I can't remember things very well. I should be fine. Like I'm used to just pushing through the pain but usually their lists really help me when I'm so overwhelmed I can't think. 

I can't call my psych cause she doesn't work Thurs/Fri. I could call the other psych I often talk to when mine isn't there but I feel like I'd just be wasting her time. I know she's busy and only has her emergency appointment free tomorrow so don't want to be a waste. I have an appointment with mine on Tuesday so I'll just try and make it work till then. 👍

Wow @MB95 you are trying so hard! I really admire you for doing some yoga this morning, it's not always easy to do what might help when having a hard time. It's so hard when you're doing all these things in the hopes of having a distraction and your thoughts just won't leave you alone. I'm really sorry you're going through that. Also, I think a lot of people would find it very difficult to open up to a psychologist that you've never spoken to or seen. I find speaking over the phone super awkward at the best of times, let alone having to chat about personal stuff with someone you don't know. It sounds like your psych put that into place to make sure you're okay and had support just in case you really needed to talk to someone today. 

If you can show yourself some kindness, bear in mind that you've had a really tough few days and you are doing your best right now. I think booking in a session with your psych is actually a protective factor and shows you are just trying to the support you need. Is there anything that might help you to feel comfortable to call your usual psych? 

We're all here for you. 

And thanks @Maddy-RO. 

I do agree with alot of what you said but it's believing it when it comes to myself that's the hard part. 

But thanks for checking in. I'm not as bad as I was but just really finding it hard to get past this for some reason. 

Hey guys, I was really hoping I wouldn't need to come on here today but I just can't seem to get past this. I'm trying so hard!!!! I tried to do some yoga stuff thismorning cause my best friend and I have started doing these online clip things together (she lives overseas). And I felt like I was okay and could get through the day. But then I had a check in call from one of the counsellors at uni and that just triggered me and completely changed my mood. I've never met this counsellor. Normally when my psych is away the other one checks in with me but she was too busy today so my psych arranged for a counsellor instead. I really didn't want to talk to her cause I don't do well talking to randoms about personal stuff but my psych told me yesterday that I either had to agree to a check in or I'd have to go to the hospital and I really didn't want that. It was meant to go for the normal 50min but lasted 5min cause it was so awkward and she clearly didn't know what to say to me. I felt really bad but I didn't know how to talk to her because I don't know who the bloody hell she is!?!? I'm never doing it again that's for sure. 

I'm at uni now cause I thought I'd try and distract myself with assignments but I'm struggling to get anything done. It's like these thoughts are just sitting there. I feel like I'm sitting here and they are hovering over my shoulder demanding my attention. I know it sounds stupid but that's how it feels. They won't go away and I don't know how to make them go away either. I tried watching netflix last night as a distraction and the same thing happened, they kept just popping up and I could feel it in my whole body just lurking there waiting. 

I don't really know what I want. I guess I just wanted to try tell someone. I really want to talk to the other psych that usually sees me but I know she is busy so I don't want to annoy her and after my psychs call yesterday I'm so scared they will take me to hospital.

Hey @MB95 

I've noticed you've had a hard couple of days and just wanted to check in with you, and see how you're going today.

I also just wanted to say that receiving a diagnosis - whether it's related to one's mental or physical health - can be really hard to deal with. It often takes some adjusting. So, it is completely ok to be feeling the way that you are .

I also wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and lots of people suffer from mental health issues from time to time. I actually read the other day that the lifetime prevalence of mental health disorders is 45%. That means 45% of the population is diagnosed with a mental health condition at some point in their life.

I also wanted to echo what your psychologist told you - that this "label" does not define you. I'm not sure if you're aware but there are lots of issues concerning the DSM-5 (diagnostic manual for mental health conditions). With each revision, changes are being made. Often the names of disorders are being changed, new disorders are added, then some are removed, and the criteria for a disorder may change. Also, the DSM-5 is often criticized for conceptualizing mental health conditions in categorical terms, with critics suggesting that mental health issues exist on a continuum in the general population. Put simply, we may all have aspects of BPD, and some of us have more than others, and these aspects might increase when we're feeling stressed, and decrease when things are going well. I really like this dimensional view of mental health conditions, because not only is there more scientific evidence behind it, but it also can help a person to feel more normal about a diagnosis when viewing it this way.

What do you think?

Thanks @WheresMySquishy. 

I could imagine it would be pretty hard changing your diet after so long! I know I struggle whenever I try and cut something out.. I last like a day if I'm lucky 😂

I'm glad you decided to take yourself to the hospital even though your parents didn't think it was serious enough. Just goes to show we really do know our bodies best!!