TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me
Hi everyone
I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders.
Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life.
It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.
I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone.
My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..
Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me.
First of all, I am wishing you the best of luck with your blood test results! (I also had a blood test last week but my results, not so good
) I’m surprised with how long it’s taken to get your results back! Mine were back in 2 days and the doctor just called to tell me...I had pain when I was taking my tablets from having them on an empty stomach but then my ‘overdose’ or ‘iron poisoning’ also gave me a bad stomach so maybe your dose is a bit much for you body.. I’m not sure, you’ll see what the doctors say!
Anyway I really hope they can figure out some way around this health problem or at least make it easier for you to deal with 😞 it must really suck. Let us know how things goes though
I’m so so happy to hear the rheumatologist has helped you and that you’re seeing a physio! Knee pain is the worst 😞
Keen to see some artwork soon
Yes I also really love the lighter dress! It’s so pretty 🙂 much prettier than the dress I wore to my last wedding, that’s because I wasn’t important haha
I’m getting the pinky peach one, seeing as its the closest to nude that I’ll ever get. 🙂
Its all good, take your time!
I quite liked both of them though, and the 3rd one I tried. I will post a pic later! 🙂
Sorry I will reply to your other posts when I go to bed because my mum will ask who I’m messaging if I sit here typing for ages
But I really love those dresses!! My favourite is the blue one 🙂
here are the first 2 dresses I tried on, the other one will be posted later! 🙂
I’ve found my dress for my uncle’s wedding, and I love it! I just need to get it altered a little bit, and then I will be almost ready for the wedding! Which isn’t until October, but it will be great, nonetheless!
I just need to get some shoes, some accessories, and figure out my hair and makeup! I’ve never been so excited!
My uncle has found a fine woman, and I cannot wait for her to be my auntie! 😄
I’ve been struggling a bit with my health problem, but it should be okay.
I have an appointment with my gp on Friday, to get my results for my blood test, around a month ago. My iron tablets have been hurting my stomach, after taking them with food. Normally they wouldn’t, so I’m hoping that I can start weening off them soon, even if it’s with a different tablet with less iron in them.
I also have my first physio appointment on Friday. Which is kind of funny, because my knees have stopped hurting me, since I saw the rheumatologist! I’m still going to see them, but I don’t know if I’ll need to do anything yet.
School has been pretty good, too. This semester, I’m doing HPE and Art. I finished my continuous line drawing, so I’ll post a pic at some point. I finally learned that its not that bad to draw weirdly, at least when doing those kinds of artworks. It’s a pretty good detailed one, but it is a bit wobbly in some places. 🙂
I’ll be doing sketches soon, for my self-portrait artwork. 🙂 my favourite! 😄
I guess I’ve been told to “suck it up” so much, I feel like I am too sensitive. But I’ve also been depressed, and been bullied and backstabbed, so I guess its not my fault.
Yeah, I guess... I haven’t used it yet, mainly because the yelling has gone down a bit. It’s more when my parents are angry or we’ve made a big mistake that stuffed everything else up. Like my sister, this afternoon. She keeps getting on the 3rd train, after me and my brother have already gotten on the first or 2nd train. She keeps using the same excuses, every time. “My friend is hating herself right now”. And I wasn’t, all these years? But my mum has spoken to my sister about it now.
I didn’t want to tell my mum in any way, because she would normally find excuses and stuff like that. But because its kinda gone down, and she’s attempted to make things better, so I’ll let it slide. If she does start blowing her top again, then I’ll write to her in my journal. 🙂
Being yelled at and called sensitive are definitely not nice experiences @xXLexi_Lou122Xx. I don't blame you for feeling upset about it. I have experienced both of things in my life (as I am sure a lot of us have) and it can really hurt when it comes from someone who is close to you. It took me a while to learn that there is nothing wrong with being sensitive. We all react differently and so whether or not we are being sensitive is really subjective anyway. What do you think?
A communication journal sounds like a really good way to get things addressed without it being as confrontational. I think having the option to write out what I want to say would have come in handy when I was young - I used to be really shy. What makes you doubt that you will include the part about yelling in your journal? 
I guess I've been yelled at so many times by so many different people, throughout my life, when it wasn't my fault, that I just sit with the feelings for a bit, then try and forget about it. I don't really have a way to explain it. I just get yelled at by backstabbers, ex mentors, teachers (class lecture, really), and my parents. and all for various reasons, you could probably put guesses as to which situation goes with which human...
My mum got me and my siblings a communication journal each, where we write in them for our parents to see, and then they can write back, instead of having awkward conversations that we don't want to have. I might write in that to mum, and see if she can tell me why she keeps yelling at me, and how it makes me feel.
I doubt I will though.
Oh well, I'll just wait and see.
Yeah, I can't wait to share some!
Today we did face basics, where we learn the first part of drawing a face. 🙂
I already draw a fair bit, particularly anime, so it was relatively easy!
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx just checking in with you today to see how you are? I've been catching up on your posts and it makes me sad to think of you getting yelled at 😞 You mentioned that you are used to be yelled at and I was just wondering if you could tell us more about that? That would be really hard thing to deal with and hold inside. We are here for you
Sadly, my mum has been doing it a lot lately. But its okay, I’m fine with it. I mean, I’ve lived my whole life being yelled at, by so many people. Not just my parents. And most of the time, it wasn’t even my fault.
Oh well.
I don’t really have anything that helps either, because it sits with me for so long all the time. And I’m used to it... 😞
Haha, yup! I kinda have to be organised with that, otherwise people will worry and call an ambulance... 😐
I still have a few teachers to notify, but I’ll tell them in the next few days.
Yes, I’ll post some when I get the chance! 🙂
Continuous line portraits sound really interesting! You should definitely show us some of your continuous line portraits when you get around to sharing your art work
Today we did "continuous line" portraits. It's fun, but I don't like the way my teacher told me to do it. I'll keep practicing, and see if I can don't the way I want to. 🙂
Yeah, you too!
Haha, it was a great week. 🙂
We did things like pictionary, Disney and song trivia, spicks and specks, drawing, dancing, songwriting, and stuff based around SMADD. It was amazing, and I can't wait to one day meet everyone in person! I'll probably go on it next year, where it isn't virtual. 🙂
I want to tell her, but she will just say things like: "I rarely yell at you" and "this is worth yelling for because it happens so often".
It Hurts when she does that. And it'll probably be worse this week, because my dad is going away for work...
At least school is better than being at home. I just hope that I don't pass out or anything during the classes that are highly active. I've notified most of my teachers about my episodes, but they haven't seen one of mine before. At least I know what to do in that situation... 🙂
Heya @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , it's really nice to hear from you 🙂 It's great to hear that your virtual camp helped you, what kind of things did you do with the camp? It sucks that your mum yells at you - you're right, we all make mistakes 😞 Have you ever tried telling her how it makes you feel ?
It's great that you are doing art this term, I always love seeing the art you share here and I'm sure it will be a good challenge doing some pop art. Feel free to share anything here if you like!
I have had a lot happen over the last few weeks, but I'm not going to bother with that.
Basically, my virtual camp has helped a lot, and I'm feeling so much better now.
The only thing that bothers me atm, is the fa cct that my mum still yells at me and tells me off all the time. I don't understand why. Im only human, I make mistakes. But they aren't worth yelling at me for. That only makes me feel worthless and useless.
Oh well. School is pretty good, I'm enjoying my new subjects.
I have Art, which I don't enjoy as much as drawing the way I do. By that, I mean that my class is doing pop art and stuff like that. I prefer to draw anime and stuff, and paint things. But oh well, it'll be worth it in the end. 🙂
I also have HPE, instead of philosophy. I'm going to miss philosophy, but Im looking forward to what we're doing as part of HPE this semester. 🙂
We are doing a program called Rock and Water, which is based in the Netherlands. It's basically martial arts, but also created to help with self-esteem. There was a lot of bullying in the Netherlands...
We are also doing touch football, which I despise as much as the backstabbers in my life, but it will be good to learn the game properly. I prefer basketball, netball, and volleyball, compared to touch, soccer, rugby, and afl games. Oh well, good skill learning, I guess. 🙂
So this is what's been happening lately.
Also, the trains have been annoyingly loud. Just the squealing of the wheels on the tracks is enough to make me dizzy...:|
