TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.
okay...
So I have been struggling with Permanent Scars that only I could see, and now I haven't been able to control my balance of health.
I keep overworking myself, without meaning to.
And now... I feel like I've lost my real me all over again. I can't help but listen to Paralysed. I can't stop. Maybe that's what is making me like this. I don't know. But whatever is going on, I want it all to stop. I can't help but feel completely emotionless. And when I get to school on Monday, well... People will start asking if I'm okay...
I want to be okay. But I just want to be vulnerable right now.
Except for the fact that I have no one to be vulnerable with. I can go to youth group tonight, and have someone to hold on to for a bit, but I just don't have the motivation to get my chores done for me to go at all.
I feel like a disappointment. There is two leaders I can go to, if I go to youth group tonight. But I feel like I can't be vulnerable there either...
I don't know what to do.
Hi Lexi_Lou,
I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, I can see how isolated and overwhelmed you feel. I'm really glad you feel that you can be vulnerable with us on the forum, everyone is here to support you. It can be such a struggle to feel ok, sometimes it's exhausting. I'm wondering whether the youth group makes you feel good even if you can't be as vulnerable as you would like to be?
I'm sorry if you've mentioned this earlier Lexi, but are you seeing a counsellor at the moment to work through these feelings? if you find the right person it can be a great space to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
I hope you are ok tonight....you mentioned it all wanting to stop, are you safe Lex?
Tom
Yes, I am safe. I meant that I want all the bad things to stop. I just want the old times back. Where the only drug known was cough Medicine, the only racism was beating my siblings in a race, the only harm I caused myself was from a scrape on my knee after falling over. I miss the times when I wasn't depressed. When I had friends. When my friends never left me. When I could actually learn something without being bored to death or interrupted. Without the hate, bullying, sadness, and harm.
Yes, I finally have my counsellor back from her honeymoon. But I can't be vulnerable with her in the way that I need. I can cry in front of her, but due to DET policies, I can't Hold-on to her like I can with other people. I need to be able to physically hold-on to that person to be vulnerable. But she doesn't know that I have these feelings. I can't explain it to her. It's about stuff to do with my Christian life, and my past. I just can't do it.
It's so hard.
The youth group I have decided to go to is better for my mental and emotional health, but by doing that, I have to ignore the problems I'm having. I get forced into putting a smile on my face and join in the activities they do there.
I have to perform a song from my musical tomorrow... I don't want to do it. I just feel so alone when I do that thing. Last week of school though, so that should be good...
I just hope I can make it through this last week without becoming so vulnerable to anything that I do.
Yes it can be really hard when you had a time when you were happier and you want desperately to get back to that place. It sounds cheesy, but life truly has it's ups and downs, and you can get back to a better mental space, it just takes time. Everyone needs a hug sometimes, it's a human need:) I wonder whether it can be good sometimes to have something that takes the focus off thinking about problems? It's a balance between working through them and distracting yourself, it can be a hard balance to strike though.
I don't have a person to hug. And every day I'm distracting myself from these problems. I can't just keep ignoring it anymore. I've never cuddled a loved person in a long time, and I'm about to lose my emotions entirely. I can't even feel pain anymore. I just feel sadness and longing for my health to go back to normal.
When I was little, I never had CLBP or Anemia. I never had to worry about my mental health or physical health. I just had to focus on being me, and not worry about life.
I'm crying right now, just thinking about it. I don't think I can get through this last week of school. I don't think I can get through tomorrow. And it's Monday tomorrow. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore...
I am safe. Just alone and sad.
I can't even make myself happy.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx I know it's difficult right now and I wish so bad I could make all your problems disappear but right now that is outside of my human capabilities
I know you can make it through this week of school, is there anything at all that you are looking forward to this week? Small goals can make every day worthwhile if there is something to look forward to at the end 
You are definitely not alone at all, for starters there is everyone here on the forums who all care so much about you and also there's bound to be dozens of people in your real life who want you to be happy and who love you
Thank you @not-an-otter. I guess I'm not really looking forward to anything this week. There's athletics day on Wednesday, and I'm doing Javelin tomorrow. But I don't really want to do that.
There definitely people who love me, but they don't have the time to care for me in the way that I need right now.
How are you really?
I know that it's hard to pick up tone over text, but you don't seem fine at all....
Also, the nothingness will pass.
I know it's hard but it won't last forever.
But I've only just become like this.
It will most likely last for the rest of the week. Probably at least till Wednesday.
Two days can feel like ages.. keep in mind though, you only need to take things day by day or hour by hour to reach it. You can get through this.
I can't. I've fully lost my feelings. I don't want to go anywhere. And now it's raining here, and Javelin will most likely be cancelled. So will athletics day tomorrow. I can't keep trying to be happy.
I have rehearsals today, but My director hasn't sent the weekly schedule.
Now I have to go with what I already know.
I don't want to be this way, but I can't help it.
At least I didn't have to put up with the girl that keeps shouting at me...
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx Of course you don't want to be this way . As @Tiny_leaf said and you agreed, it will pass, it will just take some time. Trying to focus on the present time, not thinking too far ahead or giving ourselves a hard time, and reminding ourselves of what we're grateful for (even something small like not being shouted at) is a positive thing. Hope things are feeling a little better today.
I'll try not to think too far ahead. And I'm not, but I just want all the bad things to go away. I'm scared to go on my excursion tomorrow, as I'm going into the city. And as it's a big place, I'm scared that I'll pass out in public...
I hope I'll be okay. I mean, we're only watching a movie after catching the train, and walking to get our lunch and then to the art gallery there, and then back on the train back to school... I'll be fine, right?!
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx exactly! I like how you broke it down into a few steps. Try to remind yourself that whatever happens tomorrow you will be able to find a way to cope with it. It actually sounds like it could potentially a nice excursion!
Let us know how it goes 🙂
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx You can do it!
You can't always control your health, but there are things you can control. You could pay extra attention to your body, and try to listen when it needs to rest. You could make sure you've packed enough food and water to reduce the chances of feeling faint.
You could probably also warn a teacher or classmate about your low bp, and ask them to keep a bit of an eye on you in case you start feeling bad.
Besides, even if you do faint or something else goes wrong, it could still turn out okay.
I once had a really big school camp, one we'd been looking forward to for the entire year. We all flew over to Canberra to see parliament and everything, and we visited a heap of fancy buildings.
I was on the other side of Australia to my parents, I didn't have a phone and it was the first time I'd been away from home longer than a night.
It was when we were in one of the fanciest buildings that I randomly fainted.
But the thing is while it wasn't fun exactly, it didn't go too badly either.
I ended up being able to sit out of the next activity-thing with a really nice teacher. She bought us each a (really good) cupcake, so we just spent the next while eating cupcakes. It was actually one of my favorite parts of the camp.
I personally always think of the worst case scenario, but it can really help to remember that sometimes the thing I'm worrying about might not turn out that badly.
I guess I can try to not think of the worst case scenario like I am now...
The thing is, if I faint and don't wake up quickly, I won't be able to go to rehearsal afterwards.
Another thing, I've started to get symptoms already. Only Mild ones, but I have to be careful.
That teacher sounded very lovely. I have teachers like that, but I don't know if they're coming on our day trip or not.
Welp…
Wish me luck guys! I'll tell you how it goes after I get back from rehearsal, IF I don't pass out...
😕
