feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)
Hi everyone.
Lately things have been getting on top of me and I've been feeling super overwhelmed. I feel like I'm starting to relapse back into disordered eating and self harm. Most of the time I really want to end my life to make this stop hurting, I just feel so much pain from the moment I wake up in the morning. My only reason I'm still alive is my siblings and not wanting to subject them to that kind of trauma.
I finished my first work placement successfully, but now I have another two week one and even on my first day it's too much. I have to tell my facilitator that I have to leave early on Wednesday because I have to see the mental health team (who basically told my mum that I HAD to see their psych or I'd be considered non compliant and it could affect my nursing registration later). I want to quit or die, I'm so exhausted, I hate this and I need it to stop.
I feel like I have no one anymore, I have so many responsibilities but I don't even feel like a grown up, I feel like a six year old abandoned in this huge body.
I'm already doing all the right things, going to my work placement and counselling appointments, taking my meds, forcing myself to eat meals and trying to get enough sleep...
I feel so alone. I want to ask my friend for help but she's not really talking to me much anymore and I get the feeling that she doesn't love me like she used to. I feel like it would be manipulative to go to her and say, 'I know you don't even want to talk to me right now, but if you don't, I'm probably going to kill myself.'
Thats good to hear @DruidChild im sure your marks will show your hard working efforts too 🙂
Gah feeling overwhelmed and gross today. Been writing through which is good, and I wanted to post what I'd written (I removed some stuff though like names and specific ED stuff). No offence is meant to people who are religious btw, I mean, I'm (kinda) Christian (I guess?? Idk) it's just how I'm feeling rn.
I haven't checked Facebook in days. It keeps sending me emails, telling me I've missed
SO. MUCH!
but it makes me too sad and I don't want to look. I'm pushing everyone away who isn't [name]. [Name's] pushing everyone away who isn't [name].
No match.
If I just think about [name] in abstracts -
well, it's okay. It hurts but it's a dull, faraway ache;
Homesickness from a few blocks down.
If I think about her in detail,
I cry.
Or I want to, and I can't and I think I'm going to die from the overwhelming pain.
I want to die in her arms.
I'm afraid that she won't come to my funeral. That would just break my cold, morgue-friendly heart.
Now that I don't have [name], and let's face it, [name] was all I had:
I ask God to be my bff.
Religion's perfect for me because it asks you to sacrifice everything you own about yourself, give away your whole soul, on the promise that one day when you're dead somebody in the sky will love you.
It does comfort me though.
I learned to say the Lord's Prayer and now I say it in my sleep.
Last night I knelt in the dark with my hands under my chin and I felt at peace for the first time in a very long time and I want to go to mass but I don't think I could face the familial inquisition so instead I'll just pray in the dark like I'm eight years old again.
I've always been eight years old.
I've always been eight years old.
I can't tell if I'm getting better or not.
I can't tell if I want to get better or I want to die.
In eighteen months I can run, though, and maybe I can wait for that:
to disappear to [place] or [place] or [place] hospitals, to finally do what I've wanted to for so long and have a steady nursing job.
One of my patients told me about [place] hospital.
He said I'd love it there - that there's beach, surf.
I think that might be nice, being near the ocean.
I could stand on the sand and watch the waves break and pretend that I was a part of something bigger, that for a moment I was not alone in the universe.
I won't get anything if I don't study harder, though.
It's so hard to concentrate.
It's so hard to do it all on my own.
I just want somebody to help me actually learn some things, but even the teachers don't, they just play somebody else's slideshows.
I'm tired.
There's all these obsessions in my brain that spirit me away for a few hours and then drop me back into my own suffocating misery with a sick thud.
Like the Maura Murray case, like when I thought maybe I'd become a PI, like my novel, like Killing Eve and Novitiate. It can be hard to tell what's really real, and I hate all these manic fixations - I wish I could swap out my brain for a new one.
A more loveable one.
A more reasonable one.
A saner, calmer model.
Have you ever seen someone spin a twenty cent coin? How it spirals around and around, blurring wildly in its haste to make the turn?
And then eventually, it stumbles, it stops.
Falls flat and dead and face down onto the table.
That's how I feel.
Hi @DruidChild wow thank you for sharing this powerful writing with us. Incredible imagery and emotion coming through there. How did it feel to write it down and publish it here?
Also wondering what else you have planned for today? The fixations and repeating thoughts you describe can be really difficult to manage, especially when you have facebook on your back about everything you've "missed". Perhaps distracting yourself and keeping busy will help you today?
Whats making you abit miserable @DruidChild do you want to talk about it?
Idk what to say really @scared01. I feel trapped. I miss my friend a lot and I don't think she's ever going to love me again. My future looks bleak and miserable. Idk. I know I'm supposed to distract or self care or call a helpline but I just can't face any of that.
Thats really tricky @DruidChild
Its ok to miss your friend- its like grieving for what you had but the constant reminders are still there ( like fb posts etc)
Can i ask why you think your future sounds bleak?
I just feel like my future is just...get a job (near where I live now because my parents will get upset if I go too far), then eventually come home to look after my grandparents and then my parents. And that's...it. I'm so angry that I never go to be young or free, I've always just had to look after people, ever since I was a kid.
I'm never going to love anybody again or be loved. I hate living. All there is is suffering and boredom and emptiness @scared01
Sorry this is really nihilistic and probably unhelpful, please ignore it if it's triggering, I won't be upset 
Your description of why you feel like your future is bleak sounds like your searching for a purpose or the bigger picture in life. If this correct?
@Bree-RO it just seems like I don't really have anything significant to say if I were to call KHL - like, 'oh I miss my friend and everything makes me feel sick.' I don't want to wait an hour or more just to bother them with that; I can cope on my own with music and then sleep. It's probably just stress causing my OCD stuff to act up tbh.
@Bee Thank you so much!! You like writing too, is that right? 🙂 Mm it's something I'm talking about with my counsellor rn, that I really don't feel like there's anything or ever could be anything worth living for.
Yes I do a bit of writing, I haven't in a little while though...
I'm glad it's something that you have brought up with your counsellor! Hopefully they can help you work through it.
What would be most beneficial for you tonight? 🙂
@scared01 Thank you for sharing that, it's very thoughtful I definitely relate to what you said about caring roles feeling safe, and about feeling stuck between wanting to venture outside those roles but also wanting to stay in the safe areas. Definitely something to think about 🙂
@Bee Thank you. Ah fair enough - sometimes it's hard to find inspiration, right? 🙂
I genuinely don't know what's going to help. Music usually does the trick but it's not helping with the grief tonight. I'll probably just try to sleep tbh.
It had me thinking alot to @DruidChild it made me question if i wanted to be a carer or hae a careing role like nursing because it was expected of me, because it felt safest or if it is actually something i wanted to do.
Is there something else that might help you tonight?
@scared01 I think it's awesome that you're able to think so deeply about what you want and need, that's a super rad skill! 
The first career path I chose was DEFINITELY just carer-obligation (I wanted to be a social worker) but nursing feels a lot better for me.
I don't know honestly. I think sleep is probably the best option, but thank you.
Lol thinking is where is usually stops 😉 @DruidChild im stuck in my situation atm but it gives me the option to study and think too.
Then it seem nursing is a better dit and a bloody good nurse youll be too i just know it.
Maybe lay down with some.music and close your eyes for a while and see if that helps...
That good thing about caring is that it does give us a lot of time for reflection and introspection @scared01! What are you studying atm?
Thank you so much 😊 That's a good idea; I'm going to log off and listen to my soothing playlist. I hope the rest of your night is okay and you get some sleep!
Thanks heaps for everyone's help tonight
Hi @DruidChild,
I read your piece of writing just now. I agree with everyone it was so powerful and I could really feel your emotions through it.
@scared01has given such insights into being a carer and I'm so glad you found it helpful and relatable.
I'm really sorry to hear you've been going through a tough time though 😞
I'm going to head over to the thread you made as well.
@scared01 my day was rough. Idk I just don't feel like life has anything left for me anymore, it's so empty. I made a thread https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Something-s-not-right/Life-feels-very-empty/m-p/311611#M42780 but don't feel obligated to read it, I'd rather that you took care of yourself first
