feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)

@DruidChildfigure you will see this in the morning 🙂 how you are feeling today? 

It's totally normal to feel those things and there are times when we all want to be taken care of and go back to childhood. The hardest part of being an adult is that we have to make decisions for ourselves that no one else except us can make. 

It can be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but you will get through this and you will be an amazing nurse. 

I woke up this morning to so much support, thank you so so much @redhead @scared01 @ErinsAntics @roseisnotaplant @Bree-RO @mrmusic 

Eating was a little easier today. I tried to give lifeline a call this morning but I was still on hold by the time I got to work so I didn't end up talking to anyone. 

I also spoke to my placement supervisor about taking tomorrow off for my psych appointment and she was okay with it; I really hate telling people that I have BPD though. I always feel like I 'should' because otherwise people (like supervisors and stuff) don't understand why I'm having panic attacks and doctors appointments and crying a lot and stuff, plus if I had any other illness I'd tell them in case of emergency. But I always feel like I'm oversharing and trying to be special and people look at me differently. 

It all feels kind of pointless now. Clearly the nursing and midwifery board don't think I can be a good nurse or practice safely without being watched because I'm 'crazy' so maybe I was wrong and dumb to think I could be. I feel like my only reason for actively wanting to live (as opposed to forcing myself not to die) was my friend, and now she's not talking to me so it's like...what's the point? I've been crazy and alone since I was like 5, maybe my life is just fucked and I'll never feel happy or safe again. I'm trying so hard, but I really just want to die. 

You're very welcome @DruidChild.

Like @scared01, I can relate to that dilemma of whether or not to disclose your condition. Hospitals (and the various registration boards for that matter) should NOT be stigmatising people with mental illness, and I guess mental health awareness has a long way to go in general. I really feel for you here. But I do agree with @ErinsAntics that you are going to be an amazing nurse. I want to give you so many hugs right now.

I really hope you're going to be okay. Please hang in there, I have confidence in you.

As someone who was looking for work for 2 years (I'm now studying Community Services at Tafe) I always struggled with whether to tell my potential future employer about my anxiety and severe panic attacks or not. Some times I did but it really depended if it was brought up during the interview. I often mentioned my work for ReachOut (as a Youth Ambassador) and would mention something brief about how having personal experience helps but other times I just didn't. It's a grey area as at times you feel like you should disclose your mental illness especially when it can be a huge part of your life at times but legally you don't and it should never affect your chances of getting a job. After you get the job you can mention it but by then you have the job and can take them to court for discrimination if they let you go regarding your mental illness. 

I will say I have disclosed it to Centrelink as having anxiety prevents me from working fulltime so I am with an employment support agency and also my Tafe campus as I would rather have things put in place now than have a breakdown and make things complicated. It's just nice knowing I have extra support if and when I need it. 

It's frustrating knowing that if you have diabetes or heart problems or some other health related issue no one blinks twice but for mental illness the stigma is still there and while it is changing there is a LONG way to go. 

All the best for your psych appointment tomorrow @DruidChild may I suggest treating yourself afterwards for going to it? I might've eaten chocolate after my psych appointment today as it was so full on! 

@scared01 I'm seeing a new psychiatrist and my counsellor tomorrow, so I think I'll be okay until then. Right now I'm distracting myself with music and tumblr. Thanks so much 

@ErinsAntics Thank you for sharing your experience - it's really helpful to hear other perspectives! I think a treat after my psych appointment might be a good idea  And well done on getting through a full on psych appointment yourself today, that's awesome!! 

@DruidChildI always like to make the days when I have my psych appointments self-care orientated 🙂 like today I put on a nice top that made me feel pretty, wore glitter eyeshadow and a pretty flat (I'm currently in a moonboot due to falling down 3 steps, its a long story and I have no idea when I will be out of this boot as my ankle isn't healing so I wear one shoe on my left foot and the moonboot on my right foot) and really just focused on myself. I came home after it and had a nice lunch followed by chocolate. I do find that after a psych appointment I can feel drained so I try never to schedule anything else on the days I see my psych (every 3 weeks). It's the little things we do that can help us manage our mental health and if a treat after our psych appointments helps us then so be it 🙂 

Hey @DruidChild

Just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling? How did the appointment go?

@scared01 I've been listening to Starset and Neutral Milk Hotel and Linkin Park lately ^__^ 

@ErinsAntics That sounds like a really nice, self-caring routine! And I'm sorry to hear about your broken bone! I did end up getting an ice cream after my psych appointment. 

I was really disappointed with my psychiatrist appointment. He honestly seemed more interested in talking to my mother than talking to me, he even shook her hand and not mine, and he wants us both to come back in for a proper assessment and developmental history and stuff. But after that he said there's not much support he can give me because they're the acute team and I'm, in his words, "okay." 

My friend is still not talking to me and I feel super depressed and low. My work placement isn't going super well either - the nurses I'm with aren't very accommodating or helpful. Honestly I'm in a mood where I feel desperate to self harm or do something worse. I'll probably just make some hot milo and listen to some music then try to sleep. 

Hey @DruidChild, sorry to hear your appointment didn’t go so well yesterday. I agree totally with the advice that @ErinsAntics gave you - including the Brooklyn Nine Nine part! I think you’re doing such a great job managing your urges and practising self care - shows your determination and strength. So proud of you, keep it up!

@DruidChildthat's a shame that the appointment didn't go well! But glad you got to enjoy an ice cream after the appointment. One of my favourite bands is Echosmith and when I am down I listen to their music all the time, their latest EP is amazing and their album Talking Dreams is so good (I love the song Safest Place) 🙂 you should check them out if you want something else to listen to 😄

I always find it frustrating when people don't talk to you directly. It's your mental health and you're the patient not your mum so therefore he should be talking to you. Maybe at the next appointment you could bring it up and ask your mum to sit out so he's focused on you. I would also be super honest with him and just bring up everything in your history make him see that you're not ok and you still struggle with dark thoughts.

Also if  they are the acute team can they refer to you the next team down from them (the non acute team? I have no idea what it would be called sorry!) because you still need support regardless of how bad he sees your issues. 

In terms of prac struggles I feel for you so much! I am having so many issues sorting out my prac placement and I've meant to have been on prac for this past week. Thankfully modding counted towards 30 hours so I only have to do 70 hours minimum instead of 100 hours minimum (they advise us to aim for 120 hours but will accept 100 hours).

Have you tried voicing your concerns to prac supervisor and explaining that you are finding the nursing staff hard to work with. I mean maybe it's their first time dealing with a prac student and they are unsure how to interact with you? 

It's so good that you aren't giving in to those self-harm urges and practicing self-care it shows a lot of self control and strength.

Do you ever watch TV shows for an escape? I always watch funny tv shows when my anxiety is really bad and I think I speak on behalf of all the mods here when I say watching Brooklyn Nine Nine should be prescribed as therapy during the bad moments. 

Thanks so much @ErinsAntics @Bee @mrmusic 

I definitely agree with you about Brooklyn 99!! It almost always makes me feel a bit happier, too. And I'll have to check out echosmith, I haven't heard of them before! 

It's very frustrating. I had counselling afterwards and I just cried and cried because I felt so dehumanised. I'm 20, my parents shouldn't even be involved unless I ask for them to be but this psychiatrist didn't give me any choice. And it means I can't tell him about being queer which I honestly think is fairly important to my mental health. Unfortunately there isn't anything other than the acute team. 

Thanks for the prac advice! I luckily have a really nice supervisor. 

I'm really struggling today 😞 I haven't stopped thinking about killing myself since I woke up and my heart hurts so badly it's difficult to breathe. My friend still hasn't messaged or texted me and I just need her so so badly. And now my phone won't turn on and I'm super scared because if it's broken I don't have the money to fix it and my parents will be super mad and stressed. I feel like I'm going to throw up with distress and I honestly just want to die. 

@DruidChild I can see what you mean when you said in an earlier post about being in a similar headspace (feeling suicidal and having that quite consistently). You're such a great support to others here, but of course, don't forget yourself. How are you feeling with it all this afternoon? Are you feeling safe? I also just want to say (in general and to us ALL) that therapy is such a hard thing to do. It can tear us to shreds if only with the hope in building us back up. Hopefully with a more solid foundation. It takes guts and I love how brave so many people are in sharing their stories and vulnrabilities. 

I'm scared @TOM-RO and I'm barely holding back tears and I am struggling to breathe through it all. I'm probably going to be safe but like it hurts so much. It hurts so much so much so much. It hurts all the time and everywhere and yeah probably I will wake up tomorrow but it doesn't even matter since I feel like I'm already dead. 

I do understand that about therapy. I don't have problems with therapy, I just don't appreciate a psychiatrist acting like I'm a child, it's not good practice at all. 

I need my friend so badly but I don't think she'd answer if I called her and also my phone's still not working. I feel like I'll die if I don't hear her voice. I'll die I'll die I'll die

@DruidChild I am really feeling for you. The pain of being parted from a loved one due to circumstance is incredibly real. Firstly, can you stay safe whilst we talk about this tonight?

@Bree-RO I calmed down a little; I fixed my phone and watched some episodes of a comedy show so I'm feeling less distressed and safer. I still feel sad and lonely but it's a bit easier to cope with. 

Thanks heaps for getting back @DruidChild Did you want to talk about what you are experiencing with your friend? You are not talking at the moment?  Here if you want to talk.

@Bree-RO Thank you...I don't really think I want to put details about this friend online since she's kind of a private person and I think that might bother her. I've been talking to my counsellor about it. Basically I just really miss her and everything I see reminds me of her and it just hurts a lot. I can't say much more without going in to her personal stuff but I'm scared that she doesn't love me any more which is upsetting since she's mostly the only reason I'm still alive. 

Yes @DruidChild it's a painful notion to consider. Certainly most of us will love someone who is not as intensely in love with us at some point in this life. It does not mean they don't care, or hold some level of love, they often do.

Sometimes we need to love without expectation or condition, exercise patience, and love from a distance. It sounds like you really miss her though. It's important to feel this grief. What has your counsellor said, any insight from them?

@Bree-RO I'm trying my best to keep a balance between giving her space and making sure she knows I still care about her and am here for her if she needs help. I'm not...angry at her, or anything like that...I love her, and part of love is accepting things about people that we find difficult to cope with or accept. I love her just as much when she won't talk to me as I did when she called me every day. 

It's the grief and feelings of abandonment that are overwhelming. I feel like I'm constantly in pain and that nothing means anything. It's hard to sleep. It's harder to wake up. I spend all day wanting to hurt myself. I feel like I've fucked up again and I'm never going to be loved the way I want to be loved and that she'll never want to see or hang out with me or confide in me again. I hate that I can't be trusted. I hate that I'm so soft and useless and messy and unloveable. 

My counsellor says I should let myself feel what I feel without judging it or trying to hide from it. 

Tonight is really hard. I want to hurt myself so badly. Partly to relieve the internal pain, partly because I want attention from my supervisor tmrw. And I feel stupid verbalising how much I'm struggling when externally all is well. 

Another student who's on placement with me wants me to look over a journal article for his next assessment and highlight the bits relevant to the assignment questions but I'm just so tired and I don't think I can do it. Maybe I'll try to do it on the bus tmrw. 

Hi @DruidChild sorry to hear you are having a hard night. Are you able to keep yourself safe? You are definitely not unlovable. I can see that even though you are hurting right now, you are still able to post so many positive comments to support other members tonight. How about using some of that positivity towards self-care tonight? What are some things you can do to look after yourself? 

@Lan-RO I'm so jittery and I can't focus on anything. I'm waiting till 8:30 and then I'm going to sleep (I have to get up at 5 for prac). In terms of self care I watched an episode of a tv show and ate dinner and am in bed under a blanket. 

I swear I'm trying to be logical and positive and patient and accepting but I'm just in so much pain. And I have to do this guy's homework thing. 

I hate the dark and I'm scared of the cold and I really really really don't want to be alone right now but I don't get a choice. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. 

hey @DruidChild it sounding really tough for you atm. im sorry i havent bene around much i havent been online for a few days. 

please try to keep yourself safe, im really glad youve reached out for some support here too. 

do you have to do the guys homework thing? are you able to say your not really up for it? though i understand how hard that can be too