feeling overwhelmed (suicidal ideation tw)
Hi everyone.
Lately things have been getting on top of me and I've been feeling super overwhelmed. I feel like I'm starting to relapse back into disordered eating and self harm. Most of the time I really want to end my life to make this stop hurting, I just feel so much pain from the moment I wake up in the morning. My only reason I'm still alive is my siblings and not wanting to subject them to that kind of trauma.
I finished my first work placement successfully, but now I have another two week one and even on my first day it's too much. I have to tell my facilitator that I have to leave early on Wednesday because I have to see the mental health team (who basically told my mum that I HAD to see their psych or I'd be considered non compliant and it could affect my nursing registration later). I want to quit or die, I'm so exhausted, I hate this and I need it to stop.
I feel like I have no one anymore, I have so many responsibilities but I don't even feel like a grown up, I feel like a six year old abandoned in this huge body.
I'm already doing all the right things, going to my work placement and counselling appointments, taking my meds, forcing myself to eat meals and trying to get enough sleep...
I feel so alone. I want to ask my friend for help but she's not really talking to me much anymore and I get the feeling that she doesn't love me like she used to. I feel like it would be manipulative to go to her and say, 'I know you don't even want to talk to me right now, but if you don't, I'm probably going to kill myself.'
Not having a computer does make things hard @scared01. It's great that you're putting so much effort into sorting out psych things 🙂 
Im not studying atm @DruidChild was going to have a look. Ive got a few courses in mind but without a computer ( still 😕 ) makes things hard ao will wait. Main focus atm is sorting out psychs etc. .
Good on you DC well done for lookingafter you. I hope sleep comes easy for you and its restful 💖
Ahh i see @DruidChildit can be abit like that sometimes. I do understand always looking after people. Do you do things outside of helping people? It helps to break up the responsibilities o find. Something that doesnt involve taking care of anyone.
Yes @scared01 I'm sure you would understand those feels!! Mm everything that was separate just feels obsessive and sickening right now.
I'm listening to a lot of music because it's the only 'safe' thing (as long as I avoid certain songs)...everything else is corrupted and dirty and I don't know why; everything just makes me sick.
They are some really tricky emotions @DruidChild
Something i had worked out that might give you abit of thought is the reasoning behind being a carer.
To me from what ive read youve always had a caring nature and took it upon yourself to look after others. That is thr same for me, however the issue lies in that being a carer also makes us feel safe. Why change something if its not broke. This isnt you btw its kind of like 'programming' but subconsciously. When i think about creating a career outside of looking after others despite it being hard or maybe not something i enjoy i get very anxious about it and retreat back to the careing type roles.
Perhaps this is abit the same for you too? I could be wayy of track here of course
Its like having the urge to venture out and explore the world but theres also something holding you back and sometimes you cant actaully work out what it is..
Anyway just abit of food for thought
@DruidChild I am hearing all of your pain. Sending you so much love. KHL wouldn't be worth a go as well as chatting to us?
Thanks @scared01! I think it should be okay, I'm fairly confident in the topic.
How are you feeling about not having much on tomorrow? I know that can be hard for you and bring up those trapped/suffocated feelings Maybe you could make a day plan for tomorrow with the stuff you need to do and some fun/relaxing things? 🙂
Tomorrow is also pay bills day so will prob go do that, as well as grocery shopping. @DruidChild ill see how i feel though.
Sent you an email @CookieDough
Also, if you like, you can type @ and a drop down list will appear where you can choose users to mention/tag them in the post. This way they will get a notification for your comment 
Thanks @CookieDough, I love yours too 
That's good to hear! I hope you'll be around for many future world cups 🙂 Go Aussies!
Hi @CookieDough thank you for sharing with us, I can only imagine how difficult this time was for you. It takes a lot of courage to open up and share this with others. I'm wondering what supports you have in place and how you've been managing? What have you been doing to look after yourself? Also I've had to remove the other post as members are not able to share personal details on the forum and are to remain anonymous as per guidelines. We're here to listen and support you
Hi Lan Ro, I've been meeting with a psychologist and I take antidepressants. It certainly helps but the loneliness is slowly killing me.
If I told you what I've been doing to get by I'd be breaking more community guidelines.
I have reverted to old habits because I don't believe I'll be here for long.
Loneliness is a bigger predictor of depression than depression itself.
Hey @DruidChild, I'm sorry to hear things are so tough for you. 😞 The fact that you have your siblings in mind shows what an amazing person you are, and I hope you never ever forget that.
With regards to your comments about seeing the mental health team, it sounds like you're referring to the process required by the registration board about mental illness - please correct me if I'm wrong. If this is the case, it looks like the law may be changed soon so that reporting students/professionals with mental health conditions will no longer be compulsory. Whilst this doesn't directly help your situation (since it would appear a report has already been made under the existing law), know that there is a push for reform, and it might come soon. I really hope the state governments just get on with it.
Getting back to the issue at hand - have you seen your psych about this? Because I'm thinking that they would be the best person to facilitate this process, and be able to provide a letter of 'referral' to this psych.
I'm sorry to hear about feeling alone, please know that we are all here for you! You are doing all the right things, and we are really proud of you.
Thanks everyone.
Good luck to your sister @ErinsAntics, I hope she loves nursing!
@mrmusic Honestly I didn't even know that was a requirement, I kind of thought as long as it didn't impact my practice they didn't need to know...it feels so dehumanising somehow. Like I'm something bad and they need to watch me. Like the time I was specialed in ED and every time I moved the nurse would just yell 'No!' at me like I was naughty dog. It's good that it's changing slowly. I hope you're okay.
I'm sure it's good that I'm doing the right things and seeing the psychiatrist and all. I just...don't care. I feel alone and I'm obsessed with harming myself and I can't make anybody love me or care enough to stay so what's the point.
I wish I was dead already, as painfully attention seeking and bratty as that must sound.
It is very dehumanising @DruidChild, and it really makes me bitter about the requirement. Yes, I understand that patient safety is their priority, but personally I think it's overregulated. So I'm glad change appears to be in the wind (but I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, as state governments have to actually amend the legislation for this to change). I'm just lucky that my registration board isn't covered by that legislation, because the journey is bumpy enough without it.
That is a very heavy statement. Please know that you don't need to make us love you here at RO, because we already do. You're a very special person. I'm sorry to hear that you feel unloved. With regards to your last line, I would ask if you have a plan to end your life as per @Bree-RO's post earlier?
Thinking of you.
Thank you @mrmusic Are you in nursing too? Sorry if I've asked this before.
It's just so dark in my head. I don't feel loved and I haven't for a very long time.
Mm idk...I kinda have a plan...but I'm not sure if I want to use it.
Thanks for letting us know @DruidChild. I really think it would be a good idea to contact SCBS on 1300 659 467, or use web chat here. I'm glad you are safe for tonight, but it might still be worth talking to them, particularly if you have some sort of plan in mind.
Thanks for linking it @mrmusic, maybe I'll give them a call tomorrow
@DruidChild We're here to listen as you need to ❤️ The helpline supports will be good if you need it as well. We're all super proud of you and how self-aware and resilient you are, also incredibly intelligent. Thanks @mrmusic for being an awesome support.
