Feeling terrible

Thank you everyone..

I'm starting to recover but my body hates viruses....

Like I got FND after I got the flu and now whenever I get sick I get really bad nerve pain.

So I've been getting a lot of sleep and painkillers and cold medicine over the last two days.

@Tiny_leaf No worries at all!

I'm sorry to hear about the nerve pain, that can really suck! Hopefully, painkillers and sleep do the trick for you!

Dad yelled at me for not spending enough time with Leo (aside from my normal issues I've also been really sick recently) he then (I think) accidentally locked me and Leo outside and left for work. I'm inside now, but only because of how easy it is to "break in" to our house.

My new NDIS plan was due a while ago. There's been no news on it and I really need more support.

I've lost my phone so I can't text my parents. I might see if I can email mum at some point though.

I don't really want to be here.

I'm so sorry to hear that @Tiny_leaf , that sounds like a really crappy start to the day 😞 I'm glad you were able to break back in though... How is Leo doing? 

I'm really sorry that you're feeling like you don't want to be here. Is there anything we can do to help support you today?  

I hope that your new NDIS plan gives you the support you need and deserve, it sounds like it can be a stressful and frustrating process, and i hope you at least get the new plan soon so you know what you're working with.  Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day? If you feel like some online distraction, I was actually going to tag you earlier in this, it gave me a bit of a lift on a crappy day on the weekend - the world comedy wildlife photo awards. I love that it is a thing. 

@Janine-RO Leo ripped up one of his toilet training pads and scattered it all over the room.

I'm in a different room trying not to self harm. I was able to email mum and ask her to come home. Idk what I'm going to do now. Just wait for mum to come home I guess.

Aw @Tiny_leaf I feel you! My puppy did that as well. It's a lot of work but I promise it eventually pays off!

Okay so first.. oh my gosh what a destructive puppy...

Secondly I think I've disappeared from the forums for a while....

I'm pretty dissociated right now, and my brain has fully embraced the whole "time is a concept" mindset so I have no idea how long I've been gone.

But may as well blurt some stuff out while my guard is down because I think I might need to talk.

It turns out, my depression is really good at numbing me to stuff.

And it also turns out, these new anti-depressants are pretty fucking effective.

So now there are a lot of feelings. Like not even just emotions, but just like.. how my body feels.

So now I'm feeling fear and hunger and pain like a normal human being and can I just say I don't like it.

Like I've got chronic pain and a pain management plan that consists of pretty much ****-all and now I can feel my joints just moving around in ways I definitely do not want them moving and pain running up my nerves.

Hey @Tiny_leaf that sounds so rough 😞 The pain you're experiencing must be so exhausting, my heart goes out to you. It must be so tough feeling like you were on top of anxiety and trauma and then having them rudely come right back into full view. Sometimes new medication can take some getting used to and it can be hard to know what it's meant to feel like, do you feel like you're getting support around your medication?

It's really cool that you're seeing progress -  while the feelings are so awful, you are still able to see a shift and that is pretty amazing 

The ScoobyDoo analogy made a lot of sense to me, you said you're issues are still there and now you have to deal with them, would you feel comfortable telling us about what you think that might look like for you?

We are always here for you @Tiny_leaf thanks for being so open about what's going on for you

I don't know what to do.

My support worker decided to be a bit of an asshole to me today and that drained all my energy.

I nearly got it back because I thought there was a thing I could do to help clean the house but I'd need some help starting it off.

And even if it's because I'm trying to help someone else asking for help is selfish apparently.

Hey @Tiny_leaf, I am really sorry that someone called you selfish when you were just trying to help, especially when it comes from your support worker. Is there anyone you can talk to about this, like their higher up/employer?

No my support worker didn't call me selfish.

Just everyone else.

I would talk to dad but he's upset and won't talk to anyone.

And my brother's decided to watch a movie that seems to be using mental illness as a plot point.

I want to go somewhere that feels safe.

Hey @Tiny_leaf it's so nice to see your name pop up! I'm sorry to hear you weren't feeling safe last night. That movie didn't sound too helpful either. Was that the main thing that made you feel crap last night, or was there other stuff making you feel unsafe? 

@Bre-RO I'm not really sure...

Just wanting to make sure nobody was making you feel physically unsafe? @Tiny_leaf Having to be subjected to those kinds of films would be enough to make you feel super uncomfortable but just wanna make sure you are okay. 

@Bre-RO I was physically safe.

I'm just really tired of people who aren't mentally ill using mental illnesses for entertainment.

Especially in horror type movies.

And especially when the person dies in the end.

Tonight I'm feeling too sick to move so probably not.

@Sophia-RO well part way through the night I managed to pull a muscle in my leg and I still feel really off, but it no longer feels like my body is shutting down so that's a positive I guess.

I can't even tell what the main problem is so like.. I have no idea what will make it better.

Hey @Tiny_leaf - I feel like we haven't chatted in ages! I just quickly caught up on your thread. I see that Leo is causing you a bit of strife, haha, the joys of puppies. I read that you haven't spent much time with Leo recently, but I'm wondering, how is having him overall?

I'm glad to hear that your body is feeling a little better.

And the hunger. Oh my gosh I had no idea how much good I was meant to be eating but turns out human bodies need a lot more food than I realised.

Also now I keep actually remembering trauma. Like without prompting.

I thought I'd just sort of.. gotten over that but turns out I'd just managed to block it all out.

Also the anxiety. I thought I'd mostly recovered from that but nope!

Turns out I'd just stopped caring enough about anything to be nervous and now it feels like the world is literally ending.

So like... technically this is progress.

But it's like those Scooby Doo episodes where they catch the ghost and it turns out the ghost is actually just a guy wearing a bed sheet.

It turns out my issues were just being hidden by the numbness and they're all still there and I have to deal with them now.