- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Float this Topic for Current User
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Printer Friendly Page
Getting over school
So I've finished school for four years now (I'm 22), and to keep it short I had a terrible experience, where I was bullied for most of the time and excluded. I finished school, and haven't kept in contact with anyone from there since. However it really annoys me that I can't seem to get over the bullying that happened, like I'll be fine, and start to think about that person who was mean to me, or think hypothetical situations about them.
I was wondering if anyone had any coping mechanisms of how to move past that?
Comments
Hi @keezeik, I think it's pretty understandable that it's taking a long time to get over this kind of deep hurt. Maybe it won't ever go away but I'm hoping (and it sounds like) that pain will fade. I went through some bullying in school and it was pretty rough. I still sometimes feel angry about it, but it's not that really deep pain and anger I felt at the time, it just comes to visit sometimes. I'm wondering if right now you would like someone just to listen to you, or whether you'd like some advice at all?
Hi @keezeik,
Good to hear from you. All good, I just like to check because sometimes it's easy just to launch into advice without actually asking if someone would like advice, or just wants to be heard. I can definitely offer some advice about how I deal with negative, recurring and intrusive thoughts if you'd like?
For a long time I felt like I was at war with my brain (still feel like that sometimes) and I would try to silence my negative thoughts with should statements ("I shouldn't think this way" "It's not normal to think like this so I should stop doing it" "Why can't I just stop thinking like this, there must be something wrong with me?"). My psychologist has taught me to just notice the thoughts I'm having...but just let them go if that makes sense. So if I have an awful thought, instead of trying to silence it and make it go away (and therefore fixate on it and make it worse) I try and just think "I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious about my uni assignment right now". I accept that I'm having that thought and I then send it on its way without judging it to be good or bad.
I also find that using a grounding technique works really well. I try and notice things around me that aren't my thoughts "What can I smell right now? "What can I see around me right now?" "How many noises can I hear right now, what's the most far away noise I can hear right now?". It might seem a bit silly, but paying attention to what's happening to me right now, in the moment really, really helps me to move past whatever it is I've been fixating on. You can also use your breathing to ground you, by taking notice of what your breath is doing ("Am I breathing deep or shallow right now?") each time you do a routine activity, such as walking through a door or sitting down. This allows you to stay connected to your body and the world around you, rather than getting too caught up in thoughts (although this is really natural, so don't feel bad if you do find yourself getting absorbed in your thoughts, just note it and redirect your attention back to your breathing or the world around you).
If you'd like an app to help you start applying some of this, I'd definitely recommend Smiling Mind. It's totally okay if you don't want to try any of this, or it doesn't work for you. This is just what's been helping me for the past couple of years (and it's been a long journey but it's finally starting to click).
Really glad you brought up this topic as I feel like it’s something a lot of us can relate to. Being bullied, no matter how long ago it was can effect us deeply. Bullying is a form of abuse so sometimes it might take ongoing therapy to work through, similar to if you had experienced a typical ‘trauma’. In terms of specific strategies though try to focus on how far you have come since high school and think about how you would respond to bullying if it were to happen to you now. Would you better equipped to deal with it because of the experiences you have had with it in the past? This is definitely something that could be brought up in therapy
Hey @keezeik
I was also bullied during my school years and I think what really helps to put it into perspective is when you realise that people who feel the need to hurt others are usually hurt inside themselves. When I come across bullies in adulthood I try to remember that if they felt 100% good about themselves they wouldn't feel the need to exclude me or put me down. When I view bullies through this lens it kind of makes me feel sorry for them, that they need to hurt others to feel secure.
As previously mentioned though, because bullying is a form of abuse it's a good idea to talk to a counsellor about it if you haven't already
Hey @keezeik glad to hear that you're seeing a psych regularly. I see one every fortnight too and it's been really helpful with addressing negative, self-defeating thoughts 🙂
I just wanted to check in - how are you going to take care of yourself this weekend?
Sounds like a bit of relaxation might be helpful atm 🙂
Hey @keezeik
I'm sorry to hear that bullying from high school is still affecting you. You mention being annoyed at yourself for not being able to get over it completely. I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel annoyed at yourself - dealing with bullying can be super hard, especially during the vulnerable teenage years. It's tough so don't put too much pressure on yourself to get over it, you know? Instead of getting frustrated with yourself, maybe tell yourself, "I'm still affected by X situation, but that's okay. I'm allowed to be hurt by it. The important thing is I'm getting stronger with each day!" Also, it might be helpful to let some of your emotions out with a counselor if you haven't already. Kids-helpline is a good place to start and they can be contacted on 1800 55 1800.
It's also important to remember that many awesome, successful, and now-happy people get bullied. For example, Eminem, Jessica Alba, Jessica Lawrence and other celebrities have reported that they were bullied in high school. Therefore, you are not alone In fact we had some everyday people share their experiences of bullying some time ago. I have shared two experiences with you here and here. No pressure to read/ watch these of course, only so do if you feel up to it
Hi @keezeik,
First off, I just wanted to say I am so sorry that you've had a difficult experience at high school and that it continues to haunt you, even now. Reading this post was like reading my own thoughts. I too suffered negatively in high school, and it is something that I have carried with me ever since, and I am now 21.
In terms of coping strategies, I would highly recommend seeing a professional psychologist or counsellor. I have been doing this and talking about my experiences, as these professionals are in the best position to provide specific advice on how to cope and move through the difficult emotions that accompany being a survivor of bullying.
In terms of day-to-day strategies, I do the following:
- Meditate regularly - It helps me see thoughts as thoughts, and to disconnect from the world for a while
- Journal - when I need to, I write letters addressing the people that have done me wrong to get out all of my emotions. I never send them, I just get it all out
- Don't feed into the negativity where possible - I work for a tutoring service, and sometimes certain young people set me off and remind me of my past. My instinct is to self-protect by being nasty to these people, but I have been making a concerted effort to resist this urge, as it precipitates the negative feelings and takes me further back to the past.
- Mantras - I have found these useful in situations where I feel triggered. E.g. "It's not happening anymore" or "I'm safe now" or "It's over". Just a reminder to myself that things are different now and I am no longer in that place.
In terms of being impacted by your high school experience, how does it impact you in your day to day life? I personally get quite angry and aggressive, so I have to use strategies to de-escalate things, but how does it manifest for you?
@keezeik I think that 'getting over' or moving forward after any kind of past hurt or trauma can be an incredibly frustrating journey especially when it comes to painful memories that we thought we left in the past
@queenP has shared some amazing day to day strategies 🙂 journalling and writing fake letters is actually something that i do that helps me process my emotions