Not sure what to do

Thanks @Eden1717. My GP suggested doing the DNA test thing it's just pretty pricey. I'm thinking about it, judt gotta get the money first! 

And got it! I will lower my expectations 😂

@MB95  I am not saying if you should or shouldn’t take meds or not but to be honest with you the percentage the pharmaceutical companies use to dertermine if a medication is useful or not in relation to psychiatric medications is about 30% so they consider the medication trial to be successful if 30% or more of the people resonded well to the medication. So that means that with any medication up to (there could be less depending on the individual drug) 70% of the people that try it may not find that it works for them. So the likelyhood of finding the right medication after having tried 2 different drugs is frankly very low. I am not saying that to make you feel bad but I wouldn’t go to the psychiatrist with the expectation that they can find the right medication for you in one try.... there is a genetic test that you can do if the psychiatrist offers is that can help them to know which meds are likely going to be better for you personally but it is still a bit of a gamble with any medication. Again not telling you what to do but just suggesting that if you are someone who can get their hopes up and gets disappointed easily (which I am not sure if you are or not) then maybe be a little guarded with your expectations if you do decide to see a psychiatrist. 

Hey @Taylor-RO, I'm okay. Not feeling the greatest but I'm also exhausted which I don't think is helping things. I struggled to find any motivation today so pretty much spent the day in bed. I did clean our bathroom and toilet though so I guess I get some kind of points for that lol Just really not feeling it. I have placement tomorrow too which I didn't realise I was so nervous about until today. I'm just so tired and don't really care about it or even want to go anymore. 

And yeah, I've discussed it with both my GP and my psych. My GP thinks it's silly being on them if they aren't changing anything so she agrees and said that once my placement is over we can review it and looking at coming off them. That's also why they want me to see a paychiatrist to see if they can suggest a better one cause I don't want to be on meds at all and have told them if I have to try again then I'm only trying one more so they want to try and get it right. 

Hey @MB95, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are going? What did you get up to today?

Also medication is different for everyone. Just like different medications work for some people but don't for others. Have you discussed coming off your medication with your GP? 

It's all good! I feel like I'm forever talking about her so think I just need to get over it already! But thanks 😊

Ahahaha true! My best friend and I laugh about it whenever I bring it up cause it's just so bizzare! And it was one of the most awkward things I've ever done. Like my psych (the one running the group) was asking questions and no one was responding! I felt so bad and just wanted to answer them all for her to make it less awkward but I was also so scared too. It was rather pathetic and I kept laughing in my head at how stupid the whole situation was LOL 

Whoops! Sorry! Sometimes I swear without realising it which I totally know is NOT a good thing!! Are we even allowed to swear on here? 😮

Yeah I guess.. at this stage the plan is to come off them in 2wks when my placement is finished and see how I go. I'd like to have some time med free and personally work through the trauma stuff with my psych before we try a psychiatrist but my psych and GP think a third opinion at this stage might be good. So we'll see. But the meds are defs being stopped cause I feel stupid being on them cause I feel like they haven't made any difference so it just makes me feel worse they haven't made me better if that makes sense? I feel more disappointed in myself for it. 

I thought that might have been what happened @Lost_Space_Explorer5 !! I wonder why it does that!! 🤔 I hate when it happens cause it's always on my long replies too and I never have the energy to re-write it! If we can't get it back then it's a sign from the universe I'm just being a sook and need to just get over it and on with things! So no harm ahahah 

Hey @Sophia-RO and @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I just wrote out a nice long response to @Lost_Space_Explorer5 reply but it's come up saying it's spam and deleted it? So idk where it went and I don't have the energy to write it out again.. do you guys know what might have happened? I hit the back button and it reappeared so I tried to post it again and then it came up saying it will be posted when it's approved but it took me to the 'somethings not right' page so idk it it's gonna create a whole new thread ?! 🙃 Sorry.. I SUCK with technology!! 

Bloody hell! Just hearing about what you did in group is freaking me out lol Maybe it was for the best ours ended! Bloody good on ya for doing that! If you don't mind me asking.. did you eventually make friends with people there or was it just a weird atmosphere? Cause let me tell you, my experience was NOTHING like what they show on TV ahahahaha I mean TV is always made up shit but it was just different to what I was expecting I guess.. and it kind of just makes me laugh thinking about it. You throw 10 people with anxiety/social anxiety in a room and expect them to talk? Like what?! 🤣🤣🤣

I'm so sorry to hear your mum told people without your permission and that they make jokes about it. That's really not fair on you and I'm so sorry you have to put up with that, you don't deserve it!!! I can't even imagine how you would have felt when you found out. When I told my parents at the beginning of the year I couldn't tell them face to face so my psych wrote me a letter to them as an ice breaker. But I realised I couldn't even do it then. So I wrote my own letter to go with hers and left them on their pillows and went out for a while and text them to say to read them. Anyway, long story short, I made it VERY clear to them that I didn't want anyone but the two of them knowing I was seeing a psych. And I can't even imagine how I would feel if I found out they'd gone against my wishes and told people. So I really feel for you. I think it's amazing though that you've managed to adopt the 'fuck it' response! Honestly, you're amazing! 

Thanks, I really do appreciate you saying that. I guess my anxiety and paranoia just get the better of me. Which is another reason why I wanna come off these meds.. cause sometimes I wonder if they're making me worse! And then reading that meds don't even work for BPD it kinda makes sense and I don't see any point in being on them! 

I know I don't have to tell people. And knowing me I won't. Like I would probably only tell my best friend and that's it cause she's the only person who knows I might be going to see a psychiatrist. But idk, for some reason I feel so guilty not telling my parents? Like I feel like I'm betraying them? But I just don't know how to tell them and I'm so scared of how they'll react.. any suggestions about dealing with the guilt? 

And yeah, it is. I'm not gonna go into it cause I know it will more than likely be triggering for you, and honestly, it's triggering to myself! But just knowing you understand is enough ❤

Forgot to tag you @Lost_Space_Explorer5 

Hey @MB95, we did just that! Behavioural experiments! I totally get how anxiety provoking this would be, but that's the point of exposure therapy I'm afraid 😛 Ahaha the first session was hilarious because everyone was so scared and afraid to speak (including myself of course). We did like thought challenging, paying attention to the conversation and not everything we were doing, core belief challenging, and had to make a speech about a random thing spontaneously for a minute which was recorded. Then we watched the recording as if the person in the footage was a random. Yup things got easier! I really get that about worrying what people would think. This used to really bother me and of course still does but since mum told everyone I was in hospital behind my back I'm sort of forced to think f**k it I can't care what these people think. My parents still say "jokes" about my mental health since finding out and didn't really believe me at first but they're slowly getting better and I just ignore them because I can't keep living perfectly for them.

You're not faking it okay? We believe you! You're not overreacting!

BPD has such stigma around it I don't even know why. But a diagnosis is meant to help you get proper treatment not to define you and anyone who doesn't see that is being silly. E.g. If I said this person has diabetes, and people reacted like "can you believe that? They have to take medication!" Like no that's not why people diagnose any illness get with it society!! 😛 *sigh* but yeah I get you being afraid of any stigma, but you don't have to tell others if you don't want cause its confidential 😞 I understand the connection you have with your psych 😞 It's really scary having your relationship threatened with her, hey? All the work you've put in.. I understand that 😞

What was the group like that you went to if you don't mind me asking? Like I started a group before COVID started but we only got through two sessions before it was canned.. my psych was actually the one running it which is why I did it, otherwise I would have probably been too freaked out to go lol Was it like hella awkward at the beginning?! Cause I just felt sooooo out of place and stupid for being there. I HATED the first session and had to take a break but I guess the second one was a little easier.. idk. How did you find it? And what kind of things did you have to do in it? 

Okay, your example gives me anxiety just thinking about it LOL I defs wouldn't ask with a watch on but I'd probs ask without one. I get where you're going with it though! I'll have a think about it. I would like to be able to but atm I feel like it's kind of controlling me and really getting in the way of things. I have my placement starting on Monday which is going to throw me a challenge or ten I think so maybe that can be my experimental day lol 

To be honest I don't really know.. I guess because I'm so good at hiding it to my family and friends and everyone sees me as being the strong one and the one to come to when shit is wrong that they don't think anything is wrong with me. Like when I told my parents I was seeing a psych my mum was so upset and told me she didn't think I needed to be seeing one. Idk. And then everyone just always comments on how I have my shit together.. like that is SO FAR from thr truth it's not funny and just makes me so angry and annoyed when they say it. But it's my fault because I'm the one pretending to them that I'm okay. But then I feel like my psych will think I'm lying because I'm so good at faking to everyone else that maybe she thinks I'm only making it all up with her? Which I'm not. She's the only person (apart from on here) that I let see some of the real me if that makes sense? Idk. I just get really confused because sometimes I am so good at pushing my own shit aside to help others and feel okay that I wonder if I'm just overreacting to my own shit and making it up? It's so hard to explain!! 

**This may be triggering for you so please don't read or respond if it is and you're feeling a bit off!!** 

I'm so scared of being diagnosed. When my psych said she's been thinking about BPD for a while that FREAKED me the fuck out cause I honestly thought she was going to laugh and tell me no. So I'm scared to have it confirmed. I'm also scared of them picking up other things. I'm scared of my parents and family finding out. And mostly I'm scared of being referred out to someone else and not being able to work with my psych anymore. It'd taken me a year to get to where I am with her now and I am so scared I will have to stop seeing her. I don't want to work with anyone else and know if that happens I won't go. I want to work through my shit with her and no one else. Idk. I have serious trust issues and letting her in took a lot out of me and I don't want to just stop seeing her or start over with someone new. 

Hey @MB95, haha we'll work on you realising you're amazing 😛

Oh, it never gets 100% better of course, it's little baby steps (I'm certainly not recovered, just got a bit of a boost from the group course!). Like little behavioural experiments for yourself? I'll give you an example...

Go up to a random stranger while wearing a watch and ask them what the time is 🙂

Before doing this, write down your predictions of what you think will happen, and your feelings.. 'What's the probability and cost of these things happening?' With the predictions, write how you will know if they are confirmed e.g. everyone will judge me, how will I know? By actually looking around to see if people are paying attention!

Example of probability/cost prediction:The stranger might swear at me for being stupid
Probability of occurring: 20%?
Cost: I will feel a bit silly, but I don't even know this person or care what they think. Plus I'd be proud of myself if I went through with this experiment because it means I was really brave and had a go!

Then try and do the experiment. If it seems to hard, try to tone it down a little (e.g. don't wear a watch). After the experiment, write down what you observed and if your predictions were correct in a sciencey way (objective observations ONLY) Good= e.g. The stranger said "oh it's X o'clock" and I stuttered and walked away quickly. Bad= e.g. "I was stupid and he thought I was an idiot" because you can't possibly know this and this is subjective..

Hey no it's not stupid! Everyone doubts and deliberates over things, it's a normal thing!! Why do you think it's made up? I'm wondering who made you think that was a thing? Did someone invalidate what you were feeling at one point? That's certainly happened to me e.g. "You were having fun when you did that" "It's just attention seeking behaviour". Did something like this happen to mak you think people can actually make up their thoughts and feelings? It doesn't really make sense when we think about it, cause it doesn't benefit you at all to "make it up", in fact it's causing you a lot of grief to try and fix the problem so you can be happy!

What are you afraid will happen if you see a psychiatrist?

Thank you so much @Lost_Space_Explorer5 ❤ Your kind words mean a lot. I'm not sure I'd agree with you, but I do really appreciate it! 

Really? Man I wish mine was treated already! It's been absolute years living with this shit and I'm SO OVER IT!!!! I just wish I would snap my fingers and it be gone forever 🙃 What sort of behavioural experiments do you mean? Sorry, my brain is a bit fried atm. I think today really wore me out! 

I'm really confused about what I want. Like I know it might sound stupid but I feel like there are two of me? One knows I need to just do it and thinks I should at least give it a try cause surely it can't do any harm? And then the other me is so against it and refuses to accept I need the help and someone elses opinion because I think it's just all in my head and I'm making it all up? 

Thanks @Wathan ❤

Do you ever get angry and frustrated that 'this is just me' ? Like idk, I just really wish this wasn't me if that makes sense? I just wish I could cope and not be like this. It annoys me so much. How did you learn to accept it? Cause I think that's what I struggle with the most.. 

And thanks @Sophia-RO ❤

I did put it in my email a bit about the nightmares and that I'm scared about the paychiatrist stuff and don't want to let anyone down. She told me to take some time to think about it and work out what I want (I have no bloody clue) and that in the meantime to keep the referral process going cause it will probably take a while to hear from them anyway.. I just don't know how to not be scared of it.

As for tonight, I don't have anything planned.. I have just started watching a new show on Netflix though that I'm loving so might just keep binge watching that till I pass out 😊 

I'm safe and I'm fine, I'm just really lost and confused and don't know what I should be doing and don't want to be wasting peoples time!! 

The emotions that I feel while reading it from start to the end😢.. I feel so sorry to hear that you have been struggling. It’s good that you let it all out here.. I have not been in your shoes but I also fear of letting everyone down and I think I’m weird when people couldn’t understand. With the social anxiety, I feel better when I tell myself “oh this is just me automatically reacting to the situation. I am feeling anxious and worried becuz of this. There’s nothing actually scary or harmful to me. Take a deep breath. I can do it.” Like I do a little self talk to calm myself down..  So don’t invalidate your thoughts and emotions. For me, accepting them and targeting them helps.. Of course, it’s not an easy journey. Things can get out of control and I’m not able to do that all the time. 
Hope you feel better soon too.. 

I've been having a bit of a hard time but trying really hard to keep it to myself and just get on with things but I feel like I need a little but of a rant though if that's okay.. I'm fighting my thoughts like mad and trying out all these new things my psych has been suggesting to keep myself busy and distracted but I just feel like nothing is ever really going to work with me? Like I'm never going to be able to escape these thoughts and feelings? I just feel so trapped!! My psych also told me on Tuesday that she thinks I'm stuck. 

She asked me a little while ago how I'd feel about seeing a paychiatrist. I personally hated the idea (and still kinda do) but because she recommended it I just agreed cause I don't want to let her down and think I'm not trying to get better. Because I really am, it's just so fucking hard!! Anyway, we went through the process and turns out there's none available in my town anyway.. I was quietly relieved at this. But then she suggested Telehealth.. and it freaked me out! I know I couldn't do it. I can barely talk to her about stuff let alone a stranger and online, no thank you! Anyway.. she has offered to set it all up and sit in with me on the session to make it easier. So I agreed to do it. But then all last week I was having really bad nightmares about it and waking up so panicked and not in a good way. I ended up emailing her to tell her I don't think I can do it. Cause I also feel really bad as my parents don't know any of this. I'm really close with my parents but not about my mental health. It was the hardest thing telling them at the beginning of the year that I have been seeing a psych and well, we haven't talked about it since. Plus, I know they wouldn't believe I need one. So I just feel really torn and like either way I'm going to be letting my parents down, or my psych and it makes me feel sick cause I don't want to let any of them down!!! I just don't know what to do. Has anyone been stuck in the same sort of situation? Cause I really don't know if I should see one or not. To me it just makes this all seem so much more real and it scares the absolute shit out of me. I'm terrified about being diagnosed with something. Like I feel like there are two me's.. one that knows she needs help and support and one that believes she is totally fine and doesn't need any of this and wants to come off the meds and stop seeing her psych and forget any of this even happened!?!?!? 

Like one moment I think I'm totally fine and I can do this (doesn't happen often, but when it does it really fools me) and then the next I'm a complete mess. Totally overwhelmed, can't cope with anything and on edge until I am able to speak with my psych. I just don't know what I should be doing. Sometimes I wonder if I just stopped therapy all together would I then be forced to just go back to coping on my own and just dealing with it and getting on with things? But then that freaks me out cause I struggle getting through a week without her. I DON'T KNOW 😭 

I just want to be able to cope!! Like today I went to the shops and had to leave one because it triggered me and I almost completely lost it in tears and then in the other two I was so overwhelmed I couldn't stop shaking or concentrate on what I had to do. I felt like everyone was watching me and it's not till I'm sitting back in my car that I feel like I'm safe again and can finally breathe! I hate it so much. And I feel like it's getting so much worse than it used to be. I just don't know what to do. Days like today are reminders that I'm not okay because I can't cope with a simple task of going to the shops but then I don't want to believe I'm not okay? I don't know if any of this even makes any sense and I'm sure it's hella long now cause I feel like I've just been rambling sorry. I'm just a fucking mess. Thanks if anyone bothered reading this to the end, I do apprecite it. If you have any advice or similar stories I'd love to hear it! Just want to talk to someone who understands. Like I called my mum when I was at the shop cause I was heading into a panic attack and needed to distract myself and feel safe (she didn't know any of this) and I told her I didn't like shopping without her (she knows I HATE shopping but doesn't know why) and she just told me 'you're being silly'. Which I 100% know I am! I just can't help it no matter how hard I try! It's like I'm paranoid everyone is starting at me. Ugh okay I'll shut up now. Sorry guys. But thanks for being the community I need. I would honestly be lost without you guys!!!!! ❤