Not sure what to do

@MB95  A break from therapy can be helpful but it is important to know if the break is for a good reason or if it is because you are running away from confronting painful or difficult issues. Sometimes though it can give you some perspective and time to gather and reflect on what you actually want from therapy. Attachment styles are different for everyone and there isn’t a right or wrong it is just what works best for you. Sometimes we need to reply on others and sometimes we are using others to not have to work on stuff we need to be doing ourselves maybe talking to your psych about this might be good she maybe able to help you identify your needs and maybe help come up with a plan. 

Well I think it's great @Eden1717. I was thinking just before that maybe I need to look at taking a break from therapy for a while. I don't know. I just feel like I'm relying on my psychologist way too much at the moment. So maybe that will help me detach a bit it I do. We'll see.

@MB95  Yeah hopefully but I am not sure idk we will see I guess. And yeah I have seen a lot of psychs and had long term ones and it is all the same for me business but I guess that is probably because I have been doing it for so long so I am used to that I guess. Idk maybe it is just my style. I just find if you are too attached to someone then it is hard to talk to them about stuff somin the way I like no feeling super connected to them because I don’t like telling people my deepest feelings and secrets and having to see them again in real life like I would hate to run into someone and ugh nope I like not feeling connected to them it is much easier to talk then. But again that is just me. 

Not exactly @Sophia-RO. Like she knows I have attachment issues, anyone can notice that lol And she knows I hate talking about me and would prefer we talk about her but she doesn't know how much it's affecting my relationship with her and being able to trust her properly to open up fully. I just don't know how to tell her or even if it's worth it cause it's not like she can just start sharing things about her life with me. So it won't change anything.

Wow I didn't realise you'd had long term psychs @Eden1717, that's incredible you still saw it as business. I bloody envy you for it!! 

It does suck! Lets hope next semester is going to go back online.. 🙃 Cause I'm defs just scraping by atm which sucks! 

@MB95  I was with a psychologist for 7 years who I worked well with and another one before that for about 5 years it has just been the recent ones really. I still didn’t connect on a more than business level like I trusted them enough and felt comfortable I just didn’t feel like I needed to talk to them all the time. Even now the new psychologist I have will sometimes contact me between sessions and I find it really weird like she will check in with me and it is so strange to me because it is like why is this person doing this when it is not the session time. Like it just feels super weird. But that is just me. I have done a course semi online where all the lectures and content was online but there was a once a week tutorial on campus and I nearly failed the course. Online sucks. 

True @Eden1717. I think it's great you are able to maintain those professional boundaries though, I so badly wish I didn't struggle with it so much! I guess from talking to you in the past too that you haven't found a psychologist that has really worked for you yet? Do you think if you found the right one maybe you'd have similar issues? Idk. I was just wondering cause I wish I could be more like you with it! You have actually reminded me of the first counselor I saw though.. I only saw her a couple of times because we really didn't click and I found myself being the bloody therapist! So I guess maybe I don't get attached to everyone after all.. who knows! I just know it's a real issue with these two that I see and I have to be really careful with it cause I know I'm only going to end up hurt in the long run. 

Have you tried online uni before? It bloody SUCKS! I'm like you with the focusing. It just does not work and I find I learn absolutely nothing! Face to face is so much better! I mean kudos to people who can do online, but I sure ain't one of them!

@MB95  it isn’t creepy. Yeah it can be hard but idk I prefer not to know so much that is just me personally but maybe that is cause I am always scared of the psychologists. Yeah online uni is so hard I can never focus and I always do badly at online stuff. 

Yeah I get it @Sophia-RO, and I understand they are in place to keep us safe. Probably especially for people like me who do have serious attachment issues. I just don't like it at all! Like the psych I spoke to today (my back up one for when mine isn't available) is always so much more open with me. I don't know. Like she is younger and tries to use things from her personal life to relate to me which I do appreciate and sometimes I just wish my own psych would do the same. Maybe it's because I'm not my back ups client, I don't know. She might be different with her actual clients. But when I talk to her it's like talking to a friend and sometimes less scary? It's weird! I have noticed my psych is slowly dropping a few things about her into conversation which I really appreciate because it makes me feel so much more comfortable and trusting of her! Like I know it is probably ridiculous but I legit just want to ask her to tell me 10 facts about her. I just feel like it would help me connect better to her cause I feel like I'm so damn close to wanting to just completely open up to her but because I know nothing about her I am scared to tell her the most vulnerable things about me? I'm not sure if that makes sense? I just usually won't open up to anyone unless they open up to me first..

Thanks for sharing all of that @Eden1717! I totally get where you're coming from. And I do try and disconnect from them sometimes and not be so attached but it is extremely hard for me for some reason. I guess because I also don't pay for my sessions (they are free with uni) it makes it feel less like a business situation? Idk, I feel like I might see it a little differently if I had to pay maybe? 

I also HATE that I don't know anything about my psych!!! Like it drives me crazy and is one of the reasons it's taken me so long to open up to her. It just makes me uncomfortable that she gets to know me but I don't get to know her? In a way I think it's just cruel. Like I totally get why but idk, sometimes I just wish I knew some things about her!! Like is that weird? I don't mean it in a creepy way.. I'm just someone who is genuinely interested in other people and getting to know who they are so it's something I find real hard. I could also see us being 'friends' if we hadn't met this way which SUCKS and I guess kind of upsets me? Idk. It's weird. And super uncomfortable to talk about cause it makes me feel like I'm obsessed with her or some shit?! 🙃 

I totally get it about uni being online! This semester has been brutal!! I'm also NOT an online learner so am considering dropping to part time or even dropping out for next semester if we stay online. I just can't do it!! 

Yeah it's not that I don't agree with CBT or helplines @Maddy-RO, I just find neither of them really work for me. I think it's just a personal thing for everyone. I wasn't going to, but I did actually end up attempting to call lifeline last night cause things just became too much for me and I decided I really needed to talk to someone. I hung up as soon as it got through the questions and started calling though cause I freaked lol They definately aren't for me. So I ended up emailing my psych at 2am instead and found that really helped just knowing I had told her some of what was going on and I'd be talking to her today. 

Idk. I guess it's a bit of both? I genuinely care about her and want to know how she is doing and if she is okay, especially during these times when I'm sure COVID19 is also causing her stress yet she has to listen to everyone elses shit on top of it. I just hope she is looking after herself I guess and wish I could help her in some way too? Idk. I prefer to be the one looking out for people than being on the receiving end.. 

And then I also get really weird and have this urge to go and see her whenever I'm at uni to make sure she is also here and okay. It's hard to explain. I used to be like it with a teacher when I was younger.. it was like I couldn't go about my day as usual unless I knew she was at school? I guess it just made me feel relieved and safe that they were there? Idk. I know it sounds so stupid!!! 

@MB95  the friend had been in therapy for a while before that and tried a few other things. Any therapy is going to work differently for different people and it is more about finding one that works for you so if it seems like it sounds like it would be helpful then it might be worth a try. 

As for attachment that is a hard one idk I just never get attached to begin with like I find there are some professionals I find easier to work with and some I find that are easy to talk to or get where I am coming from better than others but over all I never really get attached. Like to me I see them as doing a job the same way I would see a sales man/woman or a lawyer or a taxi driver sure they are helping you get something you need/want and they might be nice to do business with but they aren’t your friend and they aren’t your family and at the end of the day they are doing a job and getting paid. Their time is connected to money which to me makes it much easier to disconnect and that doesn’t mean they don’t care about you in a sense that they care about your outcomes but it is a job and it will never be the same a having a friend or family where there are no strings attached to the relationship. Also something for me that reminds me that it isn’t like s friend relationship is that I never know anything about who they are as a person they know an awful lot about me but I never know more than the basics about them. I might know some things here and there but I don’t know what food they like, what their favorite color is, what music they are into, what movies they watch or anything that I would know about a friend or family member. They also might have a completely different personality to the one they have when they talk to me because essentially a psychologist isn’t a “real person” they have to be a certain way to facilitate the things they need to in therapy but that doesn’t mean they are like that irl.

To me I don’t see that there is a genuine attachment if the main currency in the relationship is money and if I don’t know as much about the other person as they know about me. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying they don’t care or are heartless robots but it is a job at the end of the day and they can’t be there for you in the same way that a real friend could even if they wanted to be it wouldn’t be ethical they can’t be your friend and for me that makes it easier to remind myself that I don’t need to attach that way because it isn’t real if that makes sense. Idk there isn’t a right or wrong way but for me I just like to keep things strictly business. 

The private psychiatrist i have isn’t bad I just haven’t been able to have a proper conversation with them for a few months. I am not sure how I feel about uni yet I am nervous but I guess I am hoping it will give me something to take up more of my time but it will all be online and that is not a good option for me so idk. 

It's really nice to see the support and conversation that's occurring in this thread. It's also quite interesting from my perspective to hear your thoughts on CBT and helplines, because I'll be learning about CBT in my course soon and I work in a helpline space. I think person-centered and compassionate support is really important and it's unfortunate that you feel you haven't always received that from helplines. I agree about feeling heard - it is so important. I've also heard that EMDR is quite effective in treating trauma, and I can see why your psych would think it might be well-suited to you given that you struggle to open up. But it sounds like really want to express yourself, feel heard, and vebally acknowledge what's gone on for you before trying EDMR - it's great that you recognise that.

In terms of attachment - tricky question. Perhaps @Eden1717 can help you with some tips on that. I did notice that you said you often want to check that your psychologist is okay...do you tend to worry that s/he's not okay? Or do you mean you like the idea of checking in and seeing how s/he's going?

Yeah it sounds like I'd be the exact same as you with the helplines @Eden1717. Who knows, I might try them one day but at the moment I just feel like it'll make me worse which I can't afford cause this is bad enough. Thanks so much for this chat by the way, it's been so nice to talk and a lovely distraction so thanks! I really do appreciate it and all your advice!! 

I'm glad to hear it worked for your friend. Do you know if he/she tried talking about it first or just went straight into EMDR? Although I guess if you said it's the only thing that worked then they'd tried talk therapy in the past and it hadn't worked? Idk, just wondering cause my psych knows how much I struggle to talk so she thinks it will be good for me so I don't have to physically talk about it. But at the same time I almost feel like that's what I need? I've held it all in for years because I've been so scared to talk about it and not sure how and kind of feeling like I need to? Idk. It's weird. Just unsure about how I feel about the whole EMDR thing. We aren't going to try it till we are back face to face obviously so I have a good while to think about it. 

As for not getting attached to your psychs. Do you have some tips? Lol I mean it's probably too late for me now.. I have SERIOUS attachment issues. And my psych knows it and tries to work with it which I apprecite but I do just wish I could switch it off. Like I worry about her all the time and I cry whenever I bloody see or talk to her atm cause I miss her and whenever something happens she's the first I want to run too. I know how rediculous it is but I honestly can't help it. Like even when I'm at uni I have to try so hard to not go into her office to make sure she's there and she's okay. It's so weird and I hate that I'm like it but I just don't know how not to be? If you have any tips I'd love to hear them cause man I SUCK when it comes to getting attached to people 🙃 

I remember now! Are you looking forward to going back? And I'm sorry about the paychiatrist 😔

@MB95  Yeah I get it and sometimes it is the person but it is hard I just don’t find making lists of things I can do tonight to be helpful and that is usually where they go to to try and help and like I already know what I could be doing but that isn’t why I call. Helplines are complicated but they aren’t for everyone they can be great for some people but I am not one of them. 

@MB95  I haven’t done EMDR but I have a friend who has and said it was intense but it did work and was the only thing that helped with their trauma issues. It can be super hard to trust new people and to trust anyone in general but I guess it comes down to doing the things that will help. Still it is always good to build trust first before starting anything intense and there isn’t a rush to doing these things. I waited a few years to do DBT because I wanted to make sure I was doing it when I was in the right headspace to be open enough to it because I didn’t want to not have it work because I wasn’t in the right space to process the information I wanted to give it my best shot and for me that was the right thing to do but it really depends on the person. Also I guess for me I try not to get attached to psychs they aren’t my friend and they aren’t family and even though they want you to feel comfortable enough to open up they are doing a job and it is strictly business and for me getting too attached just makes things more difficult plus if they leave it can make it very hard to start again. But that is just my style. 

I am studying a Bachelor of Arts the psychiatrist is the same as before and they are ok they are just not able to do much at times it is hard. Idk it is complicated. 

I TOTALLY get that @Eden1717!!! That's the exact way I've felt using their text things. Like they don't care to actually listen, they just want to try and fix you. And fuck, if I could be fixed I'm sure I'd be fixed by now! That's why I like RO so much, because you guys are actually willing to listen and just try and understand. I hate nothing more than people telling me what to do and try when I already know that's what I should be doing or trying but physically can't or know it doesn't work. Just makes me fel angry and more worthless and like no one cares. So maybe I'll avoid it. Thanks for sharing!

Hmm.. sounds interesting @Eden1717. I might have to do some research on it. My psych knows I'm not exactly comfortable seeing someone else cause it's taken me so long to start trusting her and wanting to open up to her so I think that's why she might be trying to at least start some stuff with me. She also wants to do EMDR with me around traumas but idk how I feel about that one cause it sounds a bit full on and makes my anxiety go wild! I'm not sure I feel comfortable enough with her just yet to be doing some weird ass eye shit with her ahaha Have you ever had to try it? Idk. Just freaks me out thinking about it! 

I think it's great you're trying to focus on getting yourself ready for uni. That in itself is a bloody huge and exhausting task!! What are you studying again? I can't remember sorry? My memory is the WORST! And how is the new psychiatrist? Any better than past ones or very much the same? 

@MB95  Hmm the helplines things is hard I just find that when I contact them usually like here I am not looking for suggestions or solutions I just need to talk and express my feelings to someone and they are usually so focused on “fixing” or finding a solution or strategy that I don’t even get to talk about what I needed too and then it just gets frustrating and disappointing because I don’t even get to do what I called for and I also feel like they don’t listen because even when I say at the start I just need to talk about how I am feeling they go straight to “what can we do mode” and that isn’t helpful for me I just need to have someone listen but then they don’t listen and it just ends up making me tired and feeling like I wasn’t listened too. So usually I avoid them because I know they will be too busy trying to fix and help that they won’t stop to listen but that is just my experiences with them and everyone is different. 

@MB95  The group stuff was ok it was good to have other people’s experience and that sort of thing. It is kind of structured into I think 4 modules which if I can remember off the top of my head are , interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and emotional regulation. They kind of work on different types of skills in each module and there is home work and it is mostly focused on find a life worth living like it doesn’t try and make things perfect it just tries to make things manageable and better enough to have a better quality of life. 

Yeah hospital was not fun it never is and this time time it was a mess but idk there isn’t much I can do about that I am just trying to focus on being ready for uni again in a month and trying to keep ok until my next appointment with my psychiatrist to see what we can do cause things are still not ok but idk anyway there isn’t much anyone can do at this point but thanks. 

Also @Eden1717, I know you don't like the helplines.. what makes you not find them helpful? I'm just considering calling one but also don't know if I should cause I can almost gaurentee it will make me feel worse. I just don't want to waste my psychs time tomorrow so figured if I tried calling one then maybe she won't have to call me tomorrow? Idk.

I totally knew she was trying something new!! @Eden1717. She hasn't said anything about it yet but I've just recently started to notice her approach has slightly changed to what she's trying to get me to do so now it makes sense. I honestly don't know anything about DBT and haven't done any research on it yet.. What was the group stuff like? Like what sorts of things did it involve? I guess I'd be open to trying it. Idk. I'd need to find out about it first I guess and what it involves but honestly at this stage I'm willing to try anything cause I'm so sick of feeling this way. I just want to start trying to live my life rather than end it.. 

I'm really sorry to hear it @Eden1717. If there is anything I can do to help just say it! I'm sorry you ended up in hospital again too. I can imagine that is never a fun time!!