Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95 , 

It's great to hear that they were able to shuffle things around for you so that you can see your psych today 🙂 It's great that you were able to get a bit of work done on an assignment too. I remember you mentioning that you were getting into running again, have you been doing any more of that lately? 

Thanks @Janine-RO, it's all good, I can only imagine how busy you must be keeping up with everyones posts and trying to show everyone some kind of support! I really didn't want to annoy her, and I know you say I wouldn't be and I know she is usually relieved when I call her instead of not calling but I just feel like a waste of space so decided not to bother her. I did call to cancel my morning appointment though and the guy on the desk is pretty up to date with me (we're good mates haha) so he was worried about me canceling and ended up shuffling a few things round to fit me in with her later in the day which was great. I'm just trying SO HARD not to annoy her between sessions because I know I'm not her only client and I need to start trying to deal with things on my own! I ended up meeting one of the girls at uni to work on an assignment so that kinda helped distract me for a few hours tonight 👍 And then I'll chat with her tomorrow and chill out on here till then 😊

Hey @MB95 , I'm sorry for the late reply to this one - from what you've said about your psychologist here, it sounds like you have a really great relationship with her, and I don't think you would annoy her by contacting her. Did you end up deciding to give her a call? It sounds like you've had a really rough day, and I definitely don't think you'd be wasting her time  

Thanks @Wathan I do find family gives me a reason. 

Thanks @TOM-RO. I know I'll push through like I always do, the pain just hurts and I really want to talk to someone. I could call my psychologist cause she usually has the last hour of her day free I think but I know she's busy and I really don't want to annoy her. I tried to make a promise to myself that I wouldn't contact her between sessions anymore no matter how tough it gets cause I just feel like I'm causing her extra work which I really don't want for her!!! 

I am meant to have an appointment with her tomorrow at 9am but the way I've been today I have a feeling I'll be up most of the night and not awake in time. I just wish I had my appointment now instead of tomorrow cause I think I'm going to cancel tomorrows one cause I don't want to waste her time. 

The news nowadays are pretty devastating and it must be hard for you.. we are all going to die at one point but during the time that we are alive, what do you think is valuable to live for? Like perhaps think about something that makes you feel alive? I also struggle to think about the purpose of my existence. After I have thought long and hard, for me, living for my parents who brought me up and helping people is what I find it worth living for.. of course, that purpose might change any time too.. 

We in this forum are here for you if you need to talk it out. Also, you can try checking out the online apps and tools in the Reachout websites. 

I'm having a really shitty day. I got some news earlier that was really triggering for me and I don't know what to do. I just feel sick and disconnected and like nothing matters. We are going to die anyway so what's the point in even living? I know that sounds dramatic but I'm just really struggling to figure out why. I'm trying real hard not to let this take over but it's brought up a lot for me and I'm already exhausted so really struggling to stay positive. I want to cry but I can't. I just feel numbness. I just had an appointment with my GP and I really struggle to tell people when I'm not okay and she said I sound like I'm doing real good. I just wanted to tell her what was really going on but couldn't. And now I just want to talk to my psych. I don't even know what I'd say. I know this sounds stupid but I kind of don't even want to talk to her, I just want to hear her voice? I don't know. I just feel like I really need someone. Sorry for the rant I just don't know what to do. I feel really off and needed to tell someone.

Thanks guys ❤

Aw @MB95 I'm really happy to hear that! Looking after plants really has brought me a lot of joy -  and I think you may surprise yourself, I've managed to keep a peace lily alive for over a year now after a pretty bad track record! My main piece of advice there is not to overwater it, only water when it's drooping down a bit. 

I wish I could High Five @Eden1717 's comment a million times over - it is SO spot on!! I think so many of us feel like we are a failure if we need help or support, when I think it actually takes a lot of strength and self-awareness to reach out for help. 

@MB95  needing support doesn’t equal failure.... lots of people need support children need support but they aren’t a failure for that, people in wheelchairs need support but that doesn’t mean they failed and everyday adults need support and they are failures either. This notion that adults need to be completely self sufficient and self reliant in every way is kind of super damaging and unreasonable, if people were meant to be completely self sufficient we wouldn’t live in societies we wouldn’t have social needs and we would have very different lives but we do need each other and trying to get normal needs met is not an act of failure to be a functional person quite the opposite if you are actively trying to get the support you need I would say that is actully a more functional person because they know what they need and are taking steps to get it. Needing things isn’t bad it just is. As hard as it is try not to beat yourself up about having needs everyone has them and everyone’s needs are different and if yours is needing to see a psychiatrist and psychologist that is perfectly ok. 

Being able to share that with you was a nice little distraction actually @Janine-RO so thanks! My mind is trying so hard to take me places atm but I'm fighting it like crazy and being able to talk about my little plant babies gave me a big proud mum smile haha! Thanks! You've just completely boosted my mood!! 😊

Yeah I had noticed that meds isn't a treatment option they use for people with bpd.. and it defs makes sense if I do end up getting a confirmed diagnosis cause I honestly feel like they don't do anything for me. It's almost been a year and I feel like nothing has changed! I think I might try call tomorrow and make the appointment with the psychiatrist just for another opinion cause like you said @Eden1717 I won't know until I try.. I'm just scared and angry at myself for being referred to one cause I feel like I've failed but realistically I need to at least try I guess. I can feel myself coming down from this high this arvo and I'm fighting it so hard! If there is some way I can feel like I did yesterday every bloody day then I'll take it! 👍 

Thanks @Janine-RO!! ❤ It felt sooo good!! I'm in alot of pain from it today lol But as sore as I am, it's a nice reminder of the achievement! I think yesterday wiped me out though cause I started feeling it this arvo and have noticed I'm finding it harder to fight off certain thoughts but I'm hoping it's just because I'm exhausted! 🤞 THIS IS GOING TO BE A GOOD WEEK!! 💪

My little plant babies are going good!! Thanks for asking 😊 I'm so scared I'm going to kill them!! Especially my peace lily 😂 But they're still alive a week on so we're doing good so far! My peace lily has even sprouted a couple new leaves which is cool 😍 I'll have to remember to take some photos of them tomorrow like I said I would, that way I'll be able to look back on them when I do eventually kill them lol Cause I feel like it's bound to happen sooner or later, I'm pretty useless with knowing when to water them and how much to give them ahaha 

Hey @MB95 , Congratulations for the run!! It's so great to hear you sounding so happy - it must be so good to feel back in touch with that part of yourself that is fearless and feels like you can do anything! Yay! It sounds like it was especially sweet given how you've been feeling lately, and I'm so happy to hear that you had one of those winning days. 

I think it sounds like checking in with your GP in 2 weeks and then going from there could be a good plan - I know that some medications can have pretty unpleasant withdrawal effects if you come off them too quickly, so it could be good to wait until then and see how you go.  Seeing a psychiatrist may not necessarily mean going on stronger meds either, and if you want to be conservative with medication that's definitely something you should be able to discuss with them. 

I was also meaning to ask - how are your plant babies going? 🙂 

@MB95  It is hard sometimes meds can make things worse they did for me but it is one of those things where everyone is different and you don’t know until you try. You mentioned your psychologist said you might have bpd? The main treatment for that isn’t meds at all and many people with it find that meds don’t work well for them. The main treatment for that is a very specific type of therapy so it might be that things haven’t worked because you were trying the wrong things but hopefully the psychiatrist might be able to give you more clarity in the next direction to take. I am not saying it isn’t scary but I guess again you can’t know if it will help or not unless you try. 

Thanks @Eden1717, I guess I just keep forgetting I have a choice.. like I feel like I'm going to go to the psychiatrist and be put on stronger meds when I really don't want to be on them at all in the first place?! I guess I just don't trust myself so do what they say but then end up regretting it. Like I only went on meds in the first place cause my psych thought it would help but I feel like it's just made me more disappointed in myself. And the only reason I'm considering the psychiatrist is cause my psych and GP have recommended it. Idk. I'm just a bit lost. I guess being scared and ashamed about it probs isn't helping either. 

Thank you @Bre-RO ! ❤

It felt AMAZING!!!! I know it was only something so small but to me is was HUGE and just made me feel like I could do anything? 😂 Was on such a high from it and am struggling to believe I actually even did it today ahaha 

Thanks for sharing your experience too, I am well known for putting too much pressue on myself so I really appreciate hearing about others experiences and advice cause sometimes I just cant see it for myself so thanks. My GP called for a check in today and I mentioned wanting to come off the meds but she's suggested just holding off a few weeks cause I'm feeling good and she doesn't want to add anything that might 'rock the boat' with exams etc. Coming up. So I have an appointment with her in 2wks to chat about it and maybe get the ball rolling.. see how I go these next couple weeks and what she thinks. I just don't wanna be on them but I also don't wanna be wanting to end my life every two seconds cause yesterday felt AMAZING!!!! I just wish I knew what to do 🙃

Hey @MB95 I'm so so happy for you that you were able to do the walk in your street and even run! I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't sound ridiculous at all, I've been through periods where I have found it next to impossible to leave the house. 

I also know what you mean when you mentioned questioning whether to continue on your meds etc. I have personally gone through a cycle a couple of times where I feel like I don't need my meds anymore and stop taking them. For me what has happened is that I do need to go back on them but as you probably know it's different for everyone. The main piece of advice I'd give you is to let your doctor know as it can be dangerous to suddenly stop taking meds - your doctor can work on a plan with you to ween off them. 

It does take time to work out what is best for you in terms of medication, types of therapy and approaches to being well. Don't put pressure on yourself to know all the answers and remember that your GP and psychologist can help with these questions 🙂 

@MB95  I get that it is hard and having a “good” period or a time when things aren’t as difficult is fine and normal things change and go up and down naturally and that is ok I guess it is up to you if you want to see them or not but I guess it never hurts to be prepared and have support in place for if you do need it in the future. And you can always tell the psychiatrist that at the moment you are coping and don’t want to rush into anything and they should be ok with that. Then if things go back to being difficult you have people you are connected to who can help. Sometimes we need both something to motivate us and support and that is ok, managing this stuff there isn’t a right or wrong it is just whatever works for you and you don’t have to rush into anything if you don’t want to. Maybe talk to your psychologist about this they might be able to help you work through your feelings around seeing the psychiatrist... 

Hey guys, 

Just wondering if I could get some advice or for you guys to share your opinions cause I'm not entirely sure what to do.. 

I've had a real rough few months, with the last few weeks being the worst and being given a potential diagnosis and referral to see a psychiatrist to confirm it and get another perspective and sort out meds etc. 

But the last few days I've actually been feeling mostly stable and good. I've had a few hiccups but I'm finding that I'm not giving in as easily. 

Like today has been amazing!!! I have been terrified for months to walk to the end of our street to this little quiet walking track (rediculous, I know) cause I've been so scared to be in the open and people seeing me. But today I FUCKING DID IT!!!! Annnnd.. I EVEN RAN!!!! I've been wanting to run for SO LONG (I used to be a sprinter) but my anxiety has been rediculous that I've been terrified of people seeing me. But today I just didn't give a shit for some reason. I couldn't stop smiling to myself because I FINALLY accomplished two things I've been terrified of doing for absolute months! It just felt AMAZING. And for the first time in forever I felt somewhat in control!! 

Anyway.. lets just say today has been great and I've been on a high all afternoon/night because of it. 

BUT... I just don't know how long this will last for. I wish it would last forever but I also know what I'm like. But idk. I just feel like part of the old me is coming back? I feel more capable today and like I don't need meds or to see a psychiatrist? I just feel like I need some tough love and people to tell me to get over everything and grow up and then maybe I'll be okay? Idk. It's hard to explain, like part of me really needs the support and help but then the other part me of just needs someone to kick me up the ass and tell me to get over it? 

I guess my question is, how do you know if you actually need meds or to see a psychiatrist? Like sometimes I just feel like I don't need it (like today) but then other times I know I really do need it? 

I guess I'm asking because I was meant to have booked an appointment with the psychiatrist by now and I haven't cause I've been really scared about it and also not sure if I need it. But I know my psych and GP are both gonna ask me tomorrow. I just wanna come off the meds and see how I go cause today I feel like I will be able to cope without it all? Idk. Sorry if this doesn't make sense I'm just very lost atm and unsure of what I should do!!! 

If anyone has advice or has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear how you came to a decision! @Janine-RO  Your advice usually rocks and you kind of know where my heads been at recently.. do you have any opinions?

Also thankyou so much @Eden1717  and @Jess1-RO for your messages a while back.. I was in a pretty dark place at the time and remember reading them but not having the energy to reply I'm sorry. Thanks for the ongoing support though! Also, @Jess1-RO my psych and I made a more in depth safety plan last week but I appreciate the offer! You guys truly are amazing and I will never be able to thank you enough for the support!!! ❤

Hi @MB95,

I just want to reiterate something @Eden1717 said; "we are all here feeling it with you"  

I hope that putting everything down in writing has helped to relieve some of the pressure you are feeling. I can't begin to imagine how stressful your living situation is right now- you have demonstrated so much maturity in handling this situation so far, and I am sure that it hasn't been easy to be the one to constantly step up and point out concerns. Were you able to speak with someone about your options if things at home are getting too overwhelming?

Reading through your posts, I am seeing so much self awareness Thoughts of suicide and anger towards others are both really big emotions to feel, and in that moment you were able to think through your options and find a way back to safety. The reflections you have made around seeking help, including some of the options you considered like hospital, and the reasons you have for living all show an enormous amount of strength. Hold onto those reasons  

Given that access to your psychiatrist has been a lot harder with remote appointments, I am wondering if you would be interested in chatting through a safety plan together to support you over the coming months? We could even talk through using the BeyondNow app. Happy to brainstorm together so that you get the support you deserve when you need the most  

We are feeling so privileged that you have trusted us to open up like you did today! Please keep reaching out here when you need to vent, get something off your chest or need support. We are here for you!  

@MB95  That is hard about the housemate and I am sorry you are having a hard time with everything. It is hard I don’t really know what to say I am not really managing myself and I keep trying to think of something helpful but all I keep thinking is that everything really is shit and right now we are all just going to have to put up with feeling like shit not because we should have too but because we don’t have another choice. The next few months will be super hard but it seems the only way out is through at this point, I know that isn’t helpful and I don’t mean to sound rude but I really don’t know what to say other than I we are all here feeling it with you. Maybe be kind to yourself I am not saying that is easy but sometimes it can soften things a little. Idk my head is really messy so I am not sure I am making any sense. 

Anyway, that's enough for now. I'm really sorry this was so long. I just don't know what to do. I'm in a real shit place and just needed to get some of this out. I hate that I'm relying on alcohol more atm but I guess it's just what it is. I'm a mess. I just don't know what to do or what to think. I was struggling enough beforehand and now this stupid virus is becomming serious and my housemates are randomly moving out and the puppy we looked after has been given away I'm just really lost. I feel like I don't have a purpose or belong anywhere. I don't feel worthy of anything and honestly am at the point where I just want to give up on everything. I'm trying hard to fight through but I feel like it's becomming alot harder. I am so upset and numb but then I'm also so angry for some reason and just want to smash things and punch someone. I'm not a violent person. I fucking HATE conflict but for some reason I really just want to cause harm and destroy things. Moreso myself. But idk. I'm just so upset and angry and don't know how to deal with it. 

I thought about calling lifeline or even taking myself to the hospital to get help but both those things scare me because I don't want my family to find out and i really don't want to let my psych down or worry her. I just don't know what to do. I really fucking need help but I never know how to ask for it because I'm always the tough one and the one that 'has their shit together' and doesn't need the help. Fuck. If only people could see into my mind. They'd die of a heart attack. 

I'm sorry guys. I know this was long and I really do thank you if you read to the end. Don't feel like you have to reply. I just needed a place to vent and I hope that's okay. I'm safe so don't worry about me. I'm suicidal and don't feel great but like I tell my psych, I'm an absolute coward when it comes to actually following through on things so honestly, no one ever has to worry about that. Every time i try I'm pulled back. Sometimes I wish I wasn't but I guess something in me believes there's something worth living for. I honestly don't know what, especially at the moment, but I really am trying to work it out. Like most of you know, it's a constant battle and it FUCKING SUCKS. I hate myself so much that I get like this and I want to end my life because I know it's selfish and i could never do it to the ones I love. Even if I don't think they love me. I know what it's like to lose someone and I'd NEVER put them through that pain. Ever. No matter how much I hate my life or myself, I promise I could never do it to them. So I am safe. I'm used to just putting up with it and getting on with shit.

Sorry again for the vent. But honestly, thank you to anyone who did actually  read this.

And I'm really sorry about the occasional swearing. I'm just a mess and my anger is being felt real hard right now.

- My housemates who have just moved out (who I thought we were becomming friends) is making it sound like all this damage and shit is our fault and that if we can't find people to take our places then we have to pay till the end of the year. I get that but I am so angry they put us in this position and don't really know what to do. I know it's my dumb fault for signing the lease but I trusted them when they said the damage was recorded and they flat out fucking lied.

- The new housemate that just moved in is now going home on the weekend because of this virus so it'll just be me and this young girl left. I know I won't cope with just the two of us. Especially if we have to isolate together. I don't want to be here if it's just us but I feel like I don't have any other option.

- I've already lost one job and am pretty sure I'm going to lose my other one in a week or two because of this stupid virus.

- I have a major assignment due on Tuesday and a test next week and I cannot concentrate AT ALL!!! I keep trying but I just can't do it which gets me even more upset and worked up.

- They've shut the boarders to my home town and so many other uni students are going home that I feel like I should be too. My psych is highly encouraging me to go home because of my mental state the last few weeks but my parents don't seem phased (they don't know about my mental health) and think I should stay while I still have a job.

- I can't see my psych atm (probs like everyone else) because of this stupid virus. She is still calling me but I feel like I really need to see her. I'm not coping at all and am a fucking mess. I'm so good at hiding it. I do okay on the phone so she can't tell how bad things are whereas when I'm with her I can't hide it as much because I get too teary and emotional. I also really miss her. I miss seeing her and just having my regular weekly appointments with her. I know it's only a week but I feel like so much has happened and I'm just struggling. My attachment is fucked atm. I just really want to see her.

- I feel pathetic and guilty for needing my psych atm. EVERYONE is stressed about this virus and EVERYONE has shit going on. I feel really bad because I really need my psych atm, I know I can't do this. But I also don't want to cause her any stress. I can only imagine how stressed and worried she would be atm with this virus. She has a family and kids of her own and I feel terrible wasting her time talking about my bullshit when she should be spending the time looking after herself and her own family. I hate myself. I really need her right now but I really don't want to ask for her help or waste her time. I emailed her telling her not to worry about our appointment next week because I'd rather she looked after herself but she still wants to keep it and I just feel guilty. She asked me if I was okay with keeping it and I said yes, because honestly I do really want and need it, but I just feel terrible about it. I feel like a waste of time and space. She has way more important things to be worrying about than me.

- I've been trying to hard to bury my head in the sand with this virus because I can't seem to cope. I've tried to not watch the news or talk about it etc. But I feel like everywhere i turn it's all people are talking about. My housemates have it blasted on the TV 24/7 (this is really stressing me out), it's all that pops up on social media and the radio atm and one of my housrmates is a full drama queen and keeps saying she has it when I know she doesn't! She has the smallest cough and even then I feel like she's faking it. It just annoys me because they are so self-centred. I know we all have different ways we're gonna cope with this and get through this but I've been trying to help them and they won't do anything to help themselves and I feel like they're really dragging me down with them. One moment I feel like I'm going okay with the whole virus thing and the next i just feel like I can't deal with it.

Hey guys,

I'm really sorry for bothering you again, I know everyone is struggling with alot at the moment and I really don't mean to be so needy but I'm really struggling and not in a good place. I'm trying so fucking hard but I can't keep it together. Everything seems to all be happening at once and I can't handle it. I apologize in advance because I feel like this is going to be SUPER long but I just need to let some of it out. I'll try dot point it to make it easier.. don't feel like you have to read it all or any of it cause I know we're all finding things extra tough atm with the virus. I more just need to let it out...

- I'm really struggling to deal with my housemates giving the puppy (Mia) we were looking after up to the adoption place without including me in the decision when I'm the fucking one that took care of her the most. They are all about to leave so it wouldn't matter to them. I'm the one who is gonna be here alone and really could have done with her company. I just feel like it was such a selfish move and I'm so angry and upset about it.

- I moved into where I'm living about 2 months ago because I thought the girls in the house would be great for me to live with and have around and that there were dogs here. Turns out the girls that were originally here (why I moved in) have moved out because they were never allowed dogs here. And one is moving out tomorrow because she just got a new job. I just feel like I was lied too from the beginning and they just wanted people to take over the lease. There is damage to the house and they probs won't get their bonds back but now that we've moved in it's our issue. They lied to us about the damage being recorded with the real estate because I emailed them asking and they had no record of it. So now I don't know what to do. I can't afford to pay for their fucking damages but I also am not the type of person to just move out and leave it for someone else because that isn't fair at all and is leaving the next person exactly in my shoes.

- I finally felt like I was starting to settle in here and make it work for me and make friends with my housemates and now they're leaving. This ALWAYS happens to me. Whenever I get remotely close to someone they always leave. I just feel like I'm not worth getting close too. I'm not worthy of having friends. Everytime I think something is going right or going to work out for once this happens. I'm ALWAYS left alone.

- I'm thinking of moving out because one of my housemates that's left here is young (nothing against age) but she is EXTREMELY immature, self-centred, self-absorbed and has absolutely no respect for others. She has been driving me insane for ages. She leaves lights, fans and aircons on when she isn't home, leaves the doors unlocked and wide fucking open, doesn't do her dishes. The list goes on. I've tried to pull her up nicely on things and talk on behalf of our other housemates (the ones now moved out) because they would always talk behind her back and not tell her face to face but I feel like because I'm relatively new she just thinks it's me and hates me for it. I HATE conflict and I hate being the one to pull her up on things but EVERYONE has shit going on. It doesn't mean you get to be a fucking pig and have no respect for others living in the house!!!! I'm trying so hard with her but with everything else going on with me personally atm, I just can't deal with her bullshit anymore. She lives in social media and just won't help with ANYTHING around the house. She never cleans unless nagged and she NEVER helps pay for cleaning supplies etc. I'm really struggling and don't know what to do. I'm scared of conflict and don't want to confront her because I feel like she just ignores me anyway and doesn't have any respect for others. I am looking at moving out but it's clearly the worst timing with everything else so I feel like I'm kinda stuck cause I can't afford rent on more than one place atm.

Hey @MB95 ,

From what I know of you, you're a pretty self-aware person   So though I would never recommend drinking heavily as a healthy coping mechanism (and it's definitely something that comes with extra risks in terms of our mental health), there's definitely no judgement here from me. 

Making a list of stuff before you go to work sounds like a great idea! It can definitely help just to get some things out on paper, and I think you're right about your psych, I would imagine that she is very busy at the moment. It's great that you have such a fantastic support in her, and it's so good to hear that you can continue that relationship if you do decide to move home. 

Here's another sloth GIF for you - I hope you can take it easy and do something nice for yourself once you're done with work. Keep us posted on how you're going!