Not sure what to do

Hmm that's interesting @Eden1717... I wonder if my psych has started doing that with me then. Cause I feel like she has recently started trying to get me to do more practical things. Like I can kind of tell she's given up on CBT for now cause she knows my thoughts are extremely difficult to change. She mentioned a few weeks ago (when we had the chat about BPD) that I may need to be referred out to a DBT specialist cause it's not something she does but now I'm wondering if she's trying it out with me. Idk. She's got me trying to do something the complete opposite to what I'm feeling, like to take action. So if I'm feeling at then to do something that makes me happy and if I'm angry then to do something calming? Idk. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. When I reach this point nothing seems to bloody work!! 😔 I appreciate you messaging me cause I really could do with someone to talk to right now. How have you been anyway? Are things getting any easier for you?

@MB95  yeah I am the same and so is the rest of my family CBT isn’t for everyone and that is ok. I did personally find DBT more helpful, it seemed more practical and instead of trying to change how you felt to begin with it worked on trying to manage the feelings and how to make situations more manageable so that you could work on the emotional stuff, it also helped me to communicate my needs better so that it was easier for my family to understand what I needed and that was not just ending up in fights and misunderstandings.  It is hard and a bit of work but it did help some things it wasn’t a fix all but it did kind of help. More than CBT anyway. 

Thanks @Taylor-RO. Sometimes she tells me I've made progress but I don't believe her and think she's just saying it to be nice and try make me feel better cause at the same time she wants me to see a psychiatrist and try another medication. So idk, that doesn't sound like progress to me? It sounds like I need more help? 

I've tried the web chats with them in the past but I just never feel like they care. Idk, they often leave me feeling alot worse which is why I come to RO all the time. It's just hard cause I can't share my actual thoughts here for safety reasons but then I also don't know how to tell my psych about them so I feel like I have no one to talk to them about. 

Right?!? @Eden1717!! Like I get CBT works for some people, I just cant get it to work with me! It's frustrating cause I do try but it just makes me feel so stupid. What about DBT? Have you had any experience or luck with that? 

@MB95  Not being able to hide things doesn’t mean you have taken a step backwards it could just mean you are relearning how to express your feelings and sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I don’t find CBT very helpful either. I find it a bit like I am just lying to myself like it does nothing to change my beliefs it just feels like me trying to pretend I don’t believe them. 

Yeah she is fine with me calling between sessions cause she knows that it takes me alot to call for help so if I do she knows I need it. She doesn't work Thurs/Fri though so there is a back up psych I work with if needed. I just feel sick and scared and like I can't do this anymore. I'm really struggling to push through for some reason and nothing is working. I ended up emailing the other psych just before and she is going to give me a quick call tomorrow cause I really need to talk to someone. 

I think it's just that the helpline people don't know me so I feel like they won't understand anything and I'm so good at sounding like I'm fine even when I'm about to do something stupid cause I don't like worrying other people. @Maddy-RO 

Hey @MB95 - I understand what you mean. I am similar to you in that I feel guilty or bad or annoying for "bothering" others, even when they might not see it as "bothering" them at all.

When are you due to see your psychologist next? Has your psychologist told you that you can call him/her/them between sessions?

Also, what do you think a helpline person could say/do that would upset you?

Thanks heaps @Maddy-RO, I do appreciate your message. I'm really not having a great time today but am trying really hard to just push through. I tried to promise myself I wouldn't contact my psychs between sessions anymore because I really don't want to annoy them anymore but right now I feel like I need to talk to someone. I'm not sure a helpline would work cause I have a hard time talking which is why I like to talk to my psychs when I'm like this cause they know me and know what to ask and say. I don't know. I'm thinking of trying a helpline but it just scares me and I'm worried it will just make me feel worse about myself. I just need someone. I'm so grateful RO is a thing!!! 

Thanks @Eden1717. I think that's one thing that does scare me is that when I look back, I've been seeing my psych for almost a year now and I feel like I haven't made any progress or improvement. Sometimes I just feel like I've gone completely backwards instead? Like I used to be such a pro at hiding my emotions and ignoring it all whereas now I feel like I can't get through a single day? It's hard to explain. I have noticed I'm recognising thoughts more and trying really hard to fight or ignore them but that's about it. I also don't know why I hate myself so much. I have felt like it for years and can never seem to say anything nice about myself. My psych tried CBT with me and it doesn't work cause I genuinely feel pathetic for trying to tell myself I'm not worthless cause it's not what I believe? Idk. Like I get the idea of it but how the hell are you meant to tell yourself shit you really don't believe to be true? I just feel like a fake and it's so awkward and stupid. 

Hey @MB95 

That's totally okay. We can all get confused (or forget) about the guidelines from time to time.

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing a lot of self-hate and anger at the moment. I upsets me to hear that you're feeling this way, because from an outsider's perspective, it is so inaccurate. You are far from a piece of shit with no purpose. You might be sick of yourself (or what you're feeling at the moment), but just know that we are often our harshest critic, and that us at R/O definitely are not sick of you.

If I could send you positive vibes and make you feel better right now I would. Maybe in the future, once technology is more advanced, I might be able to, but for now...

I see many positive qualities in you from the posts you make on the forums, and I hope that one day you can see them more clearly too.

I hope you're feeling better today!

l@MB95  You don’t have to feel guilty for coming back here we all do because we all need support sometimes and that need doesn’t go away support isn’t a one time need it is a need we will have for our whole lives just depends what kind we need at the times we need it and if this is what is needed for you right now then that is ok. It is hard when we feel like we are putting in so much effort and not getting much back or making a lot of progress, in my experience progress kind of sneaks up on you and you never feel like you have made any cause it happens slowly but if you look back to the start you can see it better. Idk if that applies just how it seems to be for me.... as for self hatred I am not sure I think that is something you have to decide for yourself like people telling you you are worth it only puts a bandaid on it but for long term feelings it seems to be something more personal if that makes sense... I guess do you know why you feel like that? And is it really you that you hate or is it expectations you or others have about who you should be? Idk how to ask what I am trying to... anyway I am sorry you are feeling so bad and I hope things settle. 

Thanks @Sophia-RO I have replied to the email and I'm really sorry my post didn't fit with the guidelines, I wasn't thinking when I posted it so thanks for editing it. The last thing I want to do is upset anyone! 

And thanks @Wathan, I appreciate it. 

I am really sorry to hear that you are suffering. It’s ok to let it all out if it makes you feel better.  We all are here for you.. 

If you don’t feel safe or need immediate help, don’t hesitate to contact helpline.. 

Hello @MB95, I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling angry and numb right now. That must be really confusing and difficult for you. Based on what you have written, you are going through a lot right now, which has made me concerned for you so I have sent you an email.

What can you do tonight to keep safe? It sounds like you have some good strategies that you and your psychologist have set up. Are you able to use any of these right now?

Possible TW?

I can't exactly work out why but I hate myself so much!! I have so much anger inside me and just want to hurt myself because I deserve it. I keep thinking about how it would feel if I hurt myself. I know it's stupid but it's a thought I have all the time and really struggle with. I feel like I wouldn't even feel it I'm so numb. I just feel like shit and want this to all go away!!!!! I want to cry but I can't. I feel nothing inside me. Well anger and emptiness I guess? I just feel like a piece of shit with no purpose. No matter how much effort I put in I keep ending up back here and wasting everyones time. I'm sick of me so I have no doubts everyone else is sick of me too. I don't even know how to describe what I feel. But I'm so empty and feel like I have no one. Sorry. I just needed to let some of it out. I hope I haven't upset anyone, I just need an outlet.

Thanks @Andrea-RO, there's a few strategies my psych and I have set up, sometimes I just get to a stage nothing works no matter how hard I try. 

The catch up was good, we didn't get as much uni done as I was hoping but it was a nice distraction. And my friend doesn't know anything about my mental health so it kinda forced me to put on a face which ended up being a good coping strategy I guess cause it distracted me from my thoughts. 

Hey @MB95, how did you go with the catch up with your friend and getting some uni work done?

It can be really jarring and scary to dissociate, particularly if you can't seem to stop it happening. I know that a lot of people can find it helpful to use mindfulness as a way of regrounding themselves. This can be something like going for a walk through nature like @Eden1717 mentioned, or it could be something like a grounding mediation (there are a bunch on youtube if you wanted to take a look!)

Thanks @Eden1717. It's definately uncomfortable, especially when I can't seem to stop it happening. I hate it!!! I appreciate the support ❤

@MB95  That sounds like dissociation.... it is super uncomfortable. I hope the friend helps to give you something grounding to distract you a bit. Yeah maybe taking the rest of the day to rest and relax might be good especially if you are exhausted as well. Sometimes going for a walk and being in nature can be helpful too but sometimes is can make me more spaced out so idk it is hard. But I hope the afternoon goes ok for you and things settle. 

Thanks @Eden1717. I have tried crying but I just feel so numb atm I can't actually feel any emotion if that even makes sense? Idk. I just don't feel like I'm connected to my body. It's like I'm doing things but it's not me doing it? And things are going on around me but I'm not noticing any of it? It's hard to put into words. I'm going to see how I go with my uni friend but I think I'm gonna do just what you said and go home and watch something and just try chill out. It's just frustrating I can feel it all coming on and can't seem to stop it!! I'm also exhausted which probably isn't helping I guess. 

The idea of calling a helpline really scares me for some reason @Janine-RO. One of the girls from my course is coming in to uni to meet me so we can work on an assignment so I'm hoping that'll distract me for a bit. I'm not really up for it and just wanna go home but I also don't want to be alone. So yeah, I'm safe while I'm at uni, thanks for checking. I'm okay, just really struggling.

@MB95  I know this doesn’t fix anything at all but can you go somewhere private and just let yourself cry.... when I was at uni I would go back to my apartment and just cry and let myself be sad for a few hours and then for an hour of 2 after I would either nap or watch one of my favorites shows and then see if I could get back to doing work after. It didn’t fix the problem but it let some of the emotions out enough to get some work done after... idk if that is helpful you can ignore it if it isn’t. 

I'm really sorry to hear that things are so hard today @MB95 , it's awful feeling like those dark thoughts are taking over. Do you think giving a helpline a call would help at all, or seeing if you can hang out with a friend for awhile? Are you feeling like you can stay safe at the moment?

I feel so worthless. All I can feel is complete numbness and like I want to throw up. My stupid suicidal thoughts are getting so hard to ignore. I've been at uni for a couple hours and haven't made any progress cause I can't concentrate on anything. I'm trying so hard to fight it but I can feel it taking over my body again. I know that probably sounds rediculous but it's just how I feel. Like I'm slowly losing control and can't do anything about it.