Not sure what to do

I don't mind you jumping in at all @Taylor-RO, in fact I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to read my message and respond. I'm feeling extremely isolated at the moment so it's just nice to know that there's people out there willing to help, so thank you. I really mean that. I feel pretty worthless so recieving messages like these makes me feel less alone and gives me a bit of a boost ❤

When you say people struggle to physically open up, what do you think the normal timeframe would be to start opening up? Cause I've been seeing my psychologist for a few months now but I'm still so scared to tell her things.. is that normal? Like it's got nothing to do with her, she is amazing and definitely the only person I want to talk to about things because I trust her, but I'm also scared to bring stuff up in case it's too much and she leaves me?  

I have been feeling really off the past few days and just so numb that I want to self harm to feel something but I'm also scared because I don't want anyone to find out I'm doing it? I also know I'd probably land myself in hospital if I did which scares me because I hate hospitals and then would have to be answering to health professionals I don't even know and my family would probably find out so I'd rather just avoid the whole situation. But then I just get so angry at myself and feel like a coward because I don't have the courage to self harm or worse? Like is that normal? Surely not!!! I just feel so pathetic. Like if I can't follow through with my thoughts then I shouldn't be having them at all but I can't seem to stop them no matter how hard I try? I don't know. It's so stupid I know. And I'm sorry, I just needed to get it off my chest cause the feelings are pretty strong at the moment. I'm safe though, so please don't worry because like I said, I'm a coward when it comes to actually following through on my thoughts anyway. It's just constantly being haunted by them that's driving me mad!!! 

Thanks for your advice on the reaching out and making connections through volunteering though, I really appreciate it and you make some really valid points. I don't mean to sound like such a downer! I'm really trying but just can't seem to escape my thoughts at the moment and it's just draining what little energy I have to fight back. But I am taking your adcice on board so thank you. 

Thank you so much for jumping in and connecting with me, I really need it at the moment so thanks. I'm not entirely sure how this all works but I noticed you're from Reach Out? Just wanted to say you guys are all doing an amazing job and to keep up the awesome work because it really does make a difference so THANKYOU ❤

@MB95 I can relate to so much of what you're saying... I've been through some similar stuff. I'm sorry that things are so hard right now...

There isn't really a "normal" timeframe for it to happen with.

Personally, it took me maybe... somewhere between 3 and 6 months I think to open up fully to my school psychologist, and even then it was only after a friend intervened and told her what I needed help with.

Do you think you could tell your psychologist why you're struggling to open up? 

Self harm is definitely more trouble than it's worth.

We have a thread of alternatives to self harm here: https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Getting-Help/Self-harm-coping-strategies-and-alternatives/m-p/353600#M36026

A lot of people struggle with feeling numb, so some of the self harm alternatives are specifically for that. Holding an ice cube is a particularly good one, because you'll definitely feel something but it won't be harmful.

Honestly I think you're not alone in being angry with yourself about that.

For me though, the anger didn't go away after I self harmed. I just became angry that I hadn't made it worse. It was.. really unhealthy. 

But you're not a coward. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now, and like you're doing your best to manage with it. Which shows a lot of strength if you ask me.

And yep, @Taylor-RO is from RO (and does do an amazing job).

Thank you so much for reaching out @Tiny_leaf, and I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with some of the same stuff. It sucks hey?! 

Did you ever feel stupid or guilty for not being able to open up to your psychologist right away? Like I just think she is one of the kindest, caring and most patient people I've ever met so there's definitely no issues with trusting her but I'm so scared she's going to refer me on or not want to work with me anymore. She knows I've got issues with attachment and doesn't really give me a reason to think she's going to leave (apart from my eating - she said once she's assessed it she might have to refer me out) but for some reason I just can't get myself to believe she isn't going anywhere and so I can't fully open up to her? Did you find it easier to talk about things once your friend intervened? I don't know, I just feel terrible because I know she's a good person and she wants to help me get better but it's just so hard to tell her things because I don't want to let her down and I don't want to lose her as my therapist!! It's taken me years to actually build up the courage to go so I really don't want to fuck this up!!! (Mind the language 😩) 

Thanks for sending me the link for the self-harm stuff, I'll have to check it out!! My psychologist gave me a similar sort of thing by the sounds of it and I've been using an elastic band on my wrist but I don't know.. it doesn't seem to do a whole lot for me. The numbness is still there and like you mentioned, the anger kinda just gets worse! It's such a stupid cycle and one I really wish I could break!!! 

@MB95  Hey, it is pretty normal to feel it is hard to open up it takes me years to get comfortable with psychs and mostly it has been about 3 years before I tell them anything so don’t feel pressure. As for making friends I tend to ask them about their likes and dislikes and figure out if we have anything in common then if you want to hang out you can ask them to do something that you both like. Like if you both like sport you could go play a game of something or go on a walk, then it is less intense than just sitting talking but you can slowly get to know them and hopefully build a connection. 

As as for the self harm stuff it is pretty normal to feel conflicted about it...... it seems like you get anxious about many things is it a fear of the unknown in a way like because you can’t know the outcome for sure you get scared to do stuff to begin with and then worry about it? Maybe to ease into the conversation with your psych you could talk about why you feel nervous to talk about things if that makes sense.... 

Thanks for making me feel like it's normal to not be opening up so soon @Eden1717 - I'm glad it's not just me who is struggling with it!! Do you ever feel guilty for not being able to open up? Like all my psychologist is trying to do is help me but I can't seem to talk about things and then I end up just feeling shitty and angry at myself for not opening up to her because she's being so patient with me and working so hard that I feel like I owe it to her to be honest and tell her everything? Do you ever feel that way? 

Thanks for the advice with trying to make friends. I know a couple of people at work enjoy walking/hiking like me so maybe I'll try and ask them to do something like that.. what kind of hobbies do you have that you enjoy sharing with friends? 

(If self-harm/suicide is a really touchy subject for you please don't read the next part of my message. It's nothing too serious but I also don't want to upset you in any way!! Especially when you're trying to help me!!! I won't be offended and would rather you didn't read it if it's going to bring up emotions and make you upset!! Just wanted to make sure I gave you a heads up..) 

Yeah.. like I'm scared because if I do follow through with the self harm acts I normally think about I'm worried I'll do it wrong and land myself in hospital and have to explain myself to people which I really don't want. But then I'm also scared to look into it because I'm paranoid someone is watching me and going to know I'm trying to self harm. And then because the thoughts are so strong and I can't get myself to act on them I just feel even more pathetic and angry at myself. It's like I want nothing more but to self harm so I can feel something but then I'm too scared to actually do it in case someone finds out or I land myself in serious shit? Sometimes I don't even care because I just want it to end, but deep down I think I know that's not what I want? I just want the pain to end rather than my life? It's just frustrating and I don't like not being able to control the thoughts or feelings!!! If only there was a magic pill to stop them all!!! 

@MB95  I do feel frustrated/bad that it takes so long to open up but then I also have a persistent belief that all the professionals I see are secretly plotting to hurt me so idk if I feel guilty because most of the time I don’t think they are trying to help and I think they are trying to do harm which I get that people keep telling me there is no reason for them to do it and all that but I can’t get rid of that thought...... 

as for the self harm stuff I can understand that.... it is hard because having done a number of those things and having ended up in hospital it really isn’t a great experience but I can understand the overwhelming urge to do it even when deep down all you want is to be free from pain. It would be nice to have a button or something to push to turn it off for a while even. I think maybe if you talk about your worries about this with your psych they should be respectful. They might be able to help you find ways to avoid it and not be so anxious. 

Aww I'm sorry to hear you feel that way @Eden1717 - that must be difficult to deal with, especially when you have everyone trying to tell you they're not going to hurt you. I get how it feels when you have a thought in your head that you truly believe - I know that for me no one can change that for me unless I personally believe it. It's definitely not easy and I don't know about you but I get angry and frustrated when people try and tell me to get over it, like it's not as easy as people make it sound!! 

I really do wish I could turn it off. And I just wish I had the courage to talk about it to my therapist. I tried to ask her if I could do two sessions next week because it's our last week before holidays but she didn't seem keen on the idea and now for some reason I don't even want to see her next week. I just feel like I really need someone at the moment cause my thoughts are really overpowering and having her say no really hurt and has made my thoughts even worse. 

Hi @MB95,

I have been reading back through your thread this morning- I am so impressed by how well you articulate your thoughts and feelings, it's an incredible strength and skill! 

@Eden1717 has provided some great suggestions above about alternative ways to manage the pain, and I think this is such a valuable conversation to have I am glad to hear you have found this a safe space to talk!

I just wanted to acknowledge the way you spoke about the thoughts and feelings that are under the urges to self harm- it would have taken a huge amount of strength and courage to write that post, and also demonstrates how to have conversations about self harm in a safe way I know that so many young people reading your posts will be able to relate and learn from your experiences too 

I can hear you are really aware of the feelings that have led self harm, and that it has been something that has helped you cope with the pain. You've mentioned that you don't want to end it, you just want the pain to stop- this is something other members of our community have expressed too. Our community has a huge amount of knowledge and experience in coping strategies and distractions you might find helpful too and give you some more options to cope with pain  Have you had a chance to look at the link @Tiny_leaf posted? 

Thanks @Jess1-RO it's the only place I feel safe talking about it so it's nice to know it exists. I do struggle sometimes though because there's stuff I want to write but am so scared it's inappropriate and might trigger something for someone so I don't cause I'd hate to know I've upset someone!! Is there like another chat or something like this where I can get that shit out? Idk. I really don't want to cause anyone distress over it but I also really want someone to talk to because I'm struggling a lot at the moment and can't seem to communicate that to my psychologist? 

I haven't had a look at the link properly yet so might go check it out now 👍

Hey @MB95 

I hope you don't mind I jump in on this conversation. I've just been reading through your posts and I want to echo what others have said here about your courage in sharing what you're going through.

Talking about self harm can be really hard but it's clear that you put a lot of thought into how to express what you're going through without triggering others. That is so thoughtful of you We are really grateful that you feel comfortable to share this with us.  

I think it's really proactive that you asked your therapist for two sessions - you know yourself best so asking for what you need is a huge strength. I'm just wondering if you've ever used any helplines? It can be really nice to talk to someone anonymously, in the comfort of your own home. That way you can get stuff off your chest and maybe ask for tips on how you can talk to your psychologist about it eventually? Lots of people here find Kids Helpline really supportive - there website and information is here. 

We're thinking of you  

Thanks @Bre-RO. I've recently tried lifeline, the suicide call back and beyond blue but for some reason I found them difficult to talk too. It just makes me feel stupid and I don't know why. This is different because I feel like people actually get it and can relate? Idk. I've only tried the txt sort things with them all because I'm really scared to physically call them because I don't even know what to say to them? And I know it's stupid and I'm just being paranoid but I'm also worried they'll just show up at my house. Crazy right?! But it just freaks me out. 

Also, I'm in my early 20's so not sure I can still use kids helpline? But thanks for the suggestion anyway! 

Hey @MB95 

That's okay! Helplines are not for everyone - it can feel awkward, especially at first to talk to someone you don't know on the phone. I think most people find it easier to message/text when expressing their emotions. I know I can explain how I feel a lot better through text, so I completely get where you're coming from  

eHeadspace is a chat service for young people up to the age of 25 years old. Kids helpline also offer WebChat counselling to young people up to the age of 25. I hope that helps if you ever need someone to talk to. 

You've mentioned that you have a psychologist that you speak to but you don't feel comfortable telling them about self harm. I'm just wondering if it would be helpful for us to work together to think of a way you can bring it up in one of your sessions? 

Support services are great but I just wondering if you have any family members of friends that are aware of how you've been feeling? Those people can also be really important supports when times are tough  

Hope you're feeling better today 

Thanks @Bre-RO - I'm glad you get it. It's not that I don't want the help because I do, and I know I need it, it's just a lot harder to physically reach out which is why I like this platform so much. 

If you have some advice and are willing to share it I'm willing to listen. I've briefly mentioned to her in the past that I have suicidal and self harm thoughts and she gave me a sheet of things to try instead but unless she asks about it I can't seem to bring it up and even then I can't seem to tell her the actual thoughts I'm having or how often and bad it actually is. I did call her once when things were really bad but then I felt really stupid and like she thought I was just doing it for attention so now I don't bother telling her. If she asks I just tell her I'm fine because I feel stupid for having the thoughts in the first place. 

As for family and friends, I'm always the one people come to for help and have never been the one seeking the help so they don't know anything. I have two friends who live overseas that know but they are the only two and we haven't been talking much lately because one is sitting exams and the other is working a lot so I don't want to burden them with my shit. 

I just hate talking about myself and am so used to pretending to everyone that I'm fine that I'm not sure how to even bring up with them that I'm not? I know I'm my own worst enemy but I can't seem to help it. 

Hi @MB95  

I am just catching up on posts, you have really blown me away with how vulnerable and brave you have been. You sound so resourceful and your self awareness is so high.

From what I can hear you have been really active in speaking with your psychologist about what is happening for you and I agree with @Taylor-RO you share what you are comfortable with.

I can hear that you are feeling in limbo right now and that can be really exhausting, you are doing so well to be open with yourself as you navigate this. I know you said you feel like a coward but as I said before you have shown so much bravery here, and that by sharing your story it helps others as well. 

Volunteering can be a great way to meet people, there are more options online too now so that can really help with access. This community is here not just to listen but to connect as well, which I can already see is happening from the discussions that have been had on this thread  

Really? Thanks @Claire-RO. I certainly don't feel brave but it's nice to hear you think I am. I've tried to contact a few mental health organisations like lifeline, beyond blue and the suicide line recently but honestly, I'm not entirely sure what it is about Reach Out but it's the one place that's made me feel safe to express how I feel and actually listened too. I think maybe it's because we can all relate to each other on here and that you guys from Reach Out listen rather than try and shove advice down our necks. I'm just so thankful this platform is available because after contacting all 3 of the others and not getting anywhere I was really struggling but for once I feel like I'm being heard and forming connections with people that actually understand. Nothing against the other organisations at all because I know they do an absolutely amazing job but just wanted to let you guys know how much of a difference this is making for me. Reading these messages is whats really keeping my head above water at the moment and I'm just so glad this exists!! 

So thankyou for your message, I really appreciate it. I saw it earlier at work on my break when I was feeling really down and it was just the boost I needed to get through the rest of my shift. A little reminder that I'm not alone, so thanks ❤