Not sure what to do

Hey @MB95 , how are you doing today? 

I can totally understand feeling a bit nervous about doing a group program, it's a really different type of therapy - it sounds like it could be really awesome for you though! Group programs can have so many benefits, especially when they're run by a skilled facilitator. The most important thing in my opinion is for it to feel like a really safe space, what you've said here makes perfect sense to me. Do you think you'd feel comfortable sharing these thoughts with your psych, maybe even in an email? You write so well, maybe that could be an easy way of getting those thoughts out. 

Good luck with it, let us know how you go! 

Thanks @Alison5!

There's a part inside of me that really wants to do it because she wants to find some like minded people who I can potentially share real stuff with. But then the other me is terrified because I don't want anyone to know I'm going and I'm scared I might run into someone I know. I know the uni is huge and it's highly unlikely because I don't really know anyone there but it just freaks me out. 

I also know I'll just pretend everything is fine when I'm there and hide my shit to help others instead, it always happens when I meet people. I act like I am completely normal and mentally stable/healthy. Like this weird survival confidence comes out in me when I know someone else is struggling. I just forget my own shit and make friends with them really quickly because I don't like that they are alone or finding things hard so want to help them. When really, I need just as much help? But I'll never let them know that. If that makes any sense? 😂 So I'm also kind of worried that that instinct will kick in and my psych will think I'm fine in social situations which 200% is not the case! It's hard to explain.. but if I know someone is just as 'unstable' or alone or whatever as me, it's like this strength comes out of me from nowhere to hide my own anxieties and help them instead? Like if we did this with my class at uni, I'd 100% not attend because I'd be far too anxious. Whereas this is different because I know the people attending will need help? I really don't know if that makes any sense.. 🙃

I'm going to chat with my psych about it next week and see what she thinks. The flyers did say we had to commit to all the sessions which freaks me out. I think there was only like 5 but even then it scares me because I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for it just yet but I really don't want to let my psych down if I bail. Cause bailing is my thing 😂 

Did you ever form friendships from the group therapies you attended? Like I don't even know if this is classified as a therapy? I'm not sure.. it's just a group of up to 12 people and we are going to learn to deal with social anxieties and meet new people etc? Idk. I'm hoping my psych will explain it all to me next week because I feel like I really need to prepare myself for it.

Thankyou @Bee ❤

Do you have any tips on how to make it easier to let her in? Cause I'm really trying but it's like everytime I come close I freak out and shut off again.. I struggled a bit this week and think it's cause I didn't have anything written down so am thinking that will be one way that's going to help push me 🤞

And thanks heaps for your message the other day too @Alison5 ❤

My account did that same thing where it told me you responded but it wouldn't show me your message till now.. 😔 But it was so nice to read and made me feel more comfortable about my letter being so long so thankyou! 

I do have a question for you guys.. I saw this flyer at uni about a group thing they are running to help people with social anxiety (one of the many things I struggle with) and I have been thinking about putting my name down for it for a while but the idea of it freaks me out. I know it'll probably be good for me but I also don't know if I'm ready for that kind of thing just yet. Especially with how intense my anxiety has been lately. I also mentioned it to my psych while we were booking my appointment for next week and she said she'd forgotten to ask me about it that day but wanted to see if I'd be interested in doing it. She told me she is actually the one running it and wants to chat to me about it next week. I'm not sure how I feel about it though.. I was already really anxious about it and now that I know it's her running it I feel even more anxious for some reason. Like I am kind of relieved because she knows where I'm at and I'll feel safe with her being there but I'm also scared she is going to be there?! 

Have any of you guys ever done group therapy type work? And if so, what did you think if it? 

Thank you @Jess1-RO. It really does mean alot ❤

Hi @MB95, any time! Myself and all the ReachOut Team care about and value every person who comes to the forums very much! We try to put our hearts into every response, so it is really lovely to hear how important those check ins have been for you.

I am so happy to hear that your appointment yesterday was one that led to a greater sense of trust and connection with your psychologist. It can take time to build that rapport and feel comfortable to let the walls down and share more of yourself with your supports- writing the letter was such a great way to do that! Good on you for going through with it and exploring new ways of communicating together

This is such a powerful statement:

"I know it's not going to be easy and I'm going to probably have a lot more set backs like my psych mentioned today but I do somewhat feel that with the support on here and the support from my psych I'll get there eventually. She thinks it'll take a few years, but as long as I get there in the end I'm happy." 

Recovery is so unique, and non-linear, but we believe in you and the incredible steps you are taking for your recovery!

Thank you so much @Jess1-RO. I would be a total mess without the support on here so thankyou. Just checking in to see how today went really means alot and makes me feel so supported and like you guys genuinely care. I know it's just part of your job, but thankyou. Seriously. ❤ There is no better feeling than feeling like someone has your back and is willing to listen. 

I won't lie, thismorning was pretty tough and I felt so sick heading in for my appointment. I just felt extremely off. And for the first part it really showed with how anxious I was but I was so relieved when my psych asked if I ended up writing anything. I told her I did and it was long and I was embarrassed to give it to her but she was so genuine about it that she managed to convince me to let her read it. She took her time and read it properly which I REALLY appreciated and then we talked some of it through and tried to come up with a game plan for these next few weeks. 

I still don't feel amazing about it all but today did remind me about why I keep going back to see her. I'm usually so against the idea but she really is the right fit for me and today was the reminder that I needed. I've got such a long way to go but now that I was able to fill her in on a few things with my letter I feel like I can make it work. I'm still really anxious and scared and not ready to let her in completely but I know she's the only one I do want to let in and now that she is aware of how I'm feeling I'm hoping it'll help with moving forward. Time will tell I guess. But she told me she isn't going anywhere and that she wants to be there for me which I think I really needed to hear because I'm so scared of her bailing and giving up on me. I've just got to convince myself now that she really does mean it. 

But just being able to have her read something to give her an idea of things and then elaborate on it when she talks to me about it was so much easier!!! I felt like she alresdy knew things from reading it that it took alot of pressure off of me which was nice. 

So thanks heaps to every one who has suggested writing things down for my therapist because it 100% works for me and is going to hopefully make the harder things that little bit easier to bring up and talk about.

I know it's not going to be easy and I'm going to probably have a lot more set backs like my psych mentioned today but I do somewhat feel that with the support on here and the support from my psych I'll get there eventually. She thinks it'll take a few years, but as long as I get there in the end I'm happy. 

Thanks for just letting me rant guys. I know it was pretty pathetic to get so worked up but I just couldn't help it. But thanks for the ongoing support and advice ❤ You guys really do rock!!! 

Hi @MB95,

How did your appointment go today? 

It sounds like you were able to create your letter, how did you go sharing that with your psychologist today? It's great that you have been able to use some of the suggestions from others here on the forums to communicate with your support network when saying the words out loud is hard. 

I hope you get some time for much deserved self care tonight after your appointment and group assignment Sending you a huge hug from our community for your bravery and openness today! 

Hey @MB95,

I know you’ll be going to your appointment soon, but I thought I’d let you know that it’s absolutely fantastic you managed to write that much! 👍🏼

Don't feel embarrassed about it. I would definitely still give it to her and she can read it in her own time, perhaps before your next session. 
I think my method was because I used to do it frequently and she’d read it on the spot, but as a first letter, that’s great and also about how long mine was! 😆

Hopefully it helped putting some of those ideas onto paper too!

I’ll let you go to the appointment, but I just want you to know that I’m really proud of you for writing it and definitely think you should give it to her. You are absolutely doing all the right things! 👍🏼😀

I hope it goes well. 😊

Thank you so much @Alison5! ❤

Your way sounds like the way to go next time. I was similar in the way I had dot points and then wrote it all out. I wrote it on my phone first which turned out to be a stupid idea because I stayed up till 4am doing it and now it's on paper it's 5 pages long!!!!! 

I'm not entirely sure what to do now because my appointment is in 2hrs and I don't have time to rewrite and shorten it. I feel really stupid because I asked her in my email yesterday if I could take something written in and she was happy for me too but now it's 5 pages I'm so scared to show it to her cause it's way too long and I'm so embarrassed! And I haven't even touched on half the things I wanted too. 

I don't know if I should bother taking it now because I feel so stupid about how long it is. But I'm so scared to go today and know I'm going to be too anxious to physically put words together. I feel sick already and it's only going to get worse as it gets closer to my appointment. I honestly just want to cancel all together but I don't want to let her down. My GP told me yesterday that I need to see her and my psych told me to keep the appointment booked and I can just leave early if things are too much. I don't know what to do 😔

I also have a group assignment I'm meant to be working on but don't want to go in till after my appointment cause they might see me walk into the psych office and I don't want them knowing because I'm so embarrassed! But they might already be at uni anyway so I don't want to lie to them either incase they see me. Sorry I'm just really anxious and didn't get any sleep so everything is seeming 10 times worse than I'm sure it actually is. I'm trying to pull it together but I'm struggling!

Hey @MB95,

I hope you’re doing okay. I think it’s great you’re going to write a letter to your psych. 

What I used to do when I wrote to them, is I’d make a list of everything I wanted to mention. Then I’d put that list into an order. After that, I would write proper paragraphs or more about each. Now, I did this because it was actually a mindfulness activity I found helpful and allowed me to get everything out of my head and onto the page. I would then read back through it and really cross out (like scribble and press hard into the paper 😛 ) the irrelevant things I may have rambled about. That way I had a shortened piece of writing to give them that still included the main points. When I had my final letter, I would rip up all of the drafted papers and throw them away. To me it was sort of like letting them go or detaching the stresses from me and it would take a huge weight off my shoulders (especially those little irrelevant things I scribbled out). 
This may be something you would like to try which also serves as a grounding/self-awareness/mindfulness activity whilst being productive in getting to the point for your psych. 

Also, it doesn’t really matter, but I liked to header my topics so that in future, my psych could easily find what I expressed rather than reading a slab of paragraphs looking for one point. 

That’s just one thing I used to do and it may or may not be beneficial for you. But regardless of what you decide to do, I think it’s great you’re going to write her one!

Let us know how it goes and if you need any ideas. 

@Alison5 and @Bee I'm really sorry for tagging you and please don't bother responding if you're busy and have your own shit going on. Just thought I'd ask if either of you have any suggestions how to start a letter to my psych? I know I'm overthinking this way too much but I can't help it and I'm really anxious. I'm just asking cause I know you've both communicated through writing before. And I'm sorry, I know you've given me advice before but I'm all over the place at the moment and am too exhausted to read back over my posts to try and find it. Please don't feel like you have to respond though because I get it!!

Sorry for the rant! If anyone has any suggestions on how I can calm my nerves for tomorrow that would be great cause I know I'm probs not going to sleep tonight because I just feel so weird and stupid for emailing my psych today. 

I don't even know how to write everything out that I want to write and I am so scared if it being long because when I write I always write novels without even meaning too and I don't want her to think I'm stupid for it. I just don't know where to start or even if I should bother or what I should even write. 

Also @Janine-RO  I loved your GIF so thanks for sharing ❤

Thanks @Eden1717 ❤

So much of what you said makes sense and I appreciate you taking the time out to write it all. 

This part stood out the most to me the most because I can really relate, it was just like you know and understand so thanks for sharing...

"If you can’t accept yourself as having value then it makes it very difficult to feel it from others and you can start to rely on them praising you and giving you that feeling of worth to make up for what you don’t have inside, but doing that just puts so much pressure on you to be how others want you to be and can really be a fragile place to exist in because any crack or mistake can mean the only value feeling you are getting just disappear and then you are left with nothing and that pressure can make you very anxious and constantly trying to be perfect for others." Just reading it kind of hit home. I feel pathetic and really guilty for feeling like I need to be praised but sadly it seems to be the only way I see myself as worthy or having done anything worthy. I know it's not a great thing but I can't really help it for some reason and then I just feel so pathetic for getting upset over things or even needing someone to be proud of me. It's stupid. 

Thanks for checking in @Janine-RO and being so kind. I'm a bit all over the place today. I woke up pretty anxious knowing I have an appointment with my psych tomorrow and then for the first time ever I saw her outside the office and freaked out! I saw my GP today (I went to a new one who seems to be a lot better and understanding) and she thinks I really need to connect with my psych cause I told her I was thinking of canceling because I'm so scared to go for some reason. I just don't know whats going on with me or why I am like this at the moment because I've never been this worked up about seeing her. After seeing her I was a mess so ended up deciding to email her to warn her that I probably won't be great tomorrow because I am so anxious and asked if I could write stuff down instead of talking like you guys have suggested which she said was fine. 

I definately don't want to see anyone else because I don't want to have to go through all the small talk stuff again to fill someone else in. And I do really respect my psychologist, like the issue definately isn't her, it's 200% me. So I know if I saw someone else it wouldn't change. I'm just trying so hard but not getting anywhere at the moment and am so scared she is going to give up on me because I'm not making any progress. She hasn't given me a reason to believe I'm wasting her time besides from wanting to cut back but even then I know she didn't mean any harm by it. It's just all me and my dumb over thinking and stressing. I just wish I could stop it because it's getting in the way of everything and I feel so paranoid. It's like I know all these things but can't get myself to believe them. 

I also caught up with family over the weekend and just a lot of comments were thrown around that made me feel like I should have my shit together so I feel like I shouldn't need my psych and then get angry that I do. Sorry I don't know if I've already posted some of this shit. I'm just mentally and physically exhausted at the moment to can't remember anything and am struggling to function properly. I just wish I was brave and had the courage to speak up. And I wish things made sense and I wasn't so fucked up. More than anything I just wish this would all stop so I can be normal and focus on being happy and moving forward with my life. 

Hey @MB95 , 

Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today?  I can hear how much guilt you're carrying about how your parents feel about knowing you're seeing a psychologist, and I have to say that my heart does go out to you. In the past, I have felt really similar feelings - I remember once when I was going through a rough patch, I felt so guilty that I couldn't 'fix' things myself, and those feelings of guilt and worthlessness really did just compound each other. 

It's only now that a lot of time has passed that I really do see things differently - and I can say from what I see of you on the forums here, you really do have so much to offer - you have so much insight, strength and the courage to give advice and support, even when it's hard. That is an incredibly tough thing to do, and you really do nail it.

The feelings you describe about seeing your psych sound really tough to sit with - I'm sorry that you feel like you're wasting her time, that must be an awful feeling 😞 

If this psych isn't the right fit for you, would you be able to see someone else instead? Sometimes it can take awhile to find the right person for you - and those relationships can take time to build up as well. You are worthy of help, and we are here to support you while you work out what you'd like your next steps to be

I also love what @Eden1717  wrote - and I was seriously nodding furiously the whole time I was reading it. Sometimes I think society can give us messed ideas about 'worth', and meaning - but you are worthy.  

@MB95  Worth is a funny thing because really it shouldn’t be so complicated but we as humans sure do make it that way, any human or any living thing for that matter IS worth something and is very much worthy of love and compassion and acceptance simply because they exist and because they are who/what they are. We have all these things in society that work around a system of merit and value we attach different kinds of currency to literally everything. We say that you only deserve a lot of money if you have a certain type of job mostly the kind that requires certain skills that are in demand but then other skills we say don’t deserve as much. Cleaners for example or waste management workers are often thought of as ‘not of value’ in the same way a doctor is but actually proper management of city hygiene is the most important factor is the health outcomes of the cities residents. Those people are doing REALLY important jobs but we don’t deem them worthy of the same rewards and social acknowledgment that we do doctors or lawyers. 

This isnt because they are actually worth different amounts or more worthy of a reward it is because we value certain things more than we do others and because most professions that are considered to be valued are often strongly associated with the elite and upper class and their superior access to levels of education. But really worth and merit and value in society is a totally human made thing it isn’t like real or objectively true it is something we created to fit our currency valuing society. This way of looking at merit and value and such often can get really messed up when applied to a human but naturally we often do this. Instead of thinking we deserve to be loved and cared for and accepted and respected simply because everyone does and because we all contribute to this world simply by existing in our own way and working to help each other, we assume that to be worthy of love and that stuff we have to DO something to EARN it. Only no one ever tells you what that thing is and nothing ever feels like enough when you don’t feel love for yourself because then not only are you trying to earn love from others you are trying to earn love for yourself and you have nothing to give or exchange for your own feelings so there is never a way to earn it that feels like enough. 

If you can’t accept yourself as having value then it makes it very difficult to feel it from others and you can start to rely on them praising you and giving you that feeling of worth to make up for what you don’t have inside, but doing that just puts so much pressure on you to be how others want you to be and can really be a fragile place to exist in because any crack or mistake can mean the only value feeling you are getting just disappear and then you are left with nothing and that pressure can make you very anxious and constantly trying to be perfect for others. I don’t have answers for how to love yourself and like who you are as a person but sometimes just being able to accept that you ARE worth something just because you exist can give you enough confidence to not fall so far of the input you are getting rom outside stops for whatever reason, sometimes it gives you a small spot to stand on. 

‘Ok sorry that ended up super long and I really was trying to find a way to explain it better but sometimes the inside of my brain is like one of those big police board things with arrows and lines connecting everything together and I know where and how everything is connected but trying to explain that to someone else is a bit of a struggle for me. 

@Eden1717 it makes total sense, and I didn't see it as criticism but I did find it really confronting to read because it's like you know me. So with everything else going on I just needed some time to let what you said sink in and be processed. I have never been self confident and wouldn't even know the first thing to working on it to be honest because I really don't see myself as being worthy if that makes any sense? I have tried to but it always leaves me feeling pathetic and even more worthless than I was feeling at the start. 

Thanks for jumping in @Bre-RO. I have my appointment on Tuesday but am feeling REALLY uneasy about it and contemplating calling up to cancel. I just had a weekend visiting family and was reminded at how well I hide things so they all think I have my shit together and I just feel even more guilty now that my parents know. I really feel like I've failed them and shouldn't be going. And I'm still really upset and angry at my psych for suggesting to cut back our sessions. I just can't get the feeling out of my head that she doesn't like me and I'm wasting her time. Then a few things happened over the weekend that really highlighted how different I am emotionally and how I really do need help from someone. I'm just lost and not sure where to go from here. 

Hey @MB95 

Hope you don't mind if I jump in here. Just catching up on your thread and I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're experiencing anxiety around seeing your psychologist. You mentioned that you're usually a closed off person, so I think it makes sense that you'd be having these feelings, as your psych is someone you have opened up to. If you haven't done that with others (besides ReachOut of course) than the relationship would bring up some tough feelings. 

From what you've said she really cares for you  

@MB95  this kind of sounds like deep down you are not very self confident and that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a certain way. Like you get scared that people will leave you because you don’t believe deep down that you deserve to be loved kind of thing. And then you worry about everything you do because you aren’t confident underneath so anything that goes wrong on the surface has nothing to hold it together so it really rocks you. Idk if I am making any sense and this isn’t meant to be a criticism I am just wondering if maybe this is an issue? 

Honestly @Eden1717 I think it's all of the above and more. I feel really uneasy and like a failure for needing help. I'm scared if I tell her the truth I will upset her and she'll give up on me cause I'm too much hard work and not worth listening to. I'm so scared to bring up things with her because I'm naturally a very closed off person (except for on here, although even then I'm not always completely honest and open because I'm scared someone will find out who I am). I'm terrified of letting my guard down and letting her in because I get very easily attached (I'm worried I already am) and I don't deal well when people leave me and I know she is going to leave me eventually obviously and that really upsets me because I wish she could stay in my life. I'm scared to bring up the attachment shit again incase she thinks I'm some psycho stalker person that is obsessed. And I'm really scared about some of the things we've talked about dealing with because I don't know if I'm ready or how to know if I'm ready or even if I want too. I'm scared she thinks I'm making it all up and wasting her time because I'm so good at hiding it. I do trust her and think highly of her but something just really scares me about seeing her. And sometimes there's this part of me that just gets angry and upset with her and wants to push her away completely and I don't know why. If she hadn't emailed to check on me and book me another appointment I know I wouldn't have gone back because I'm a pro at shutting people out. 

Thanks @Andrea-RO. I'm really trying not to read into it because I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it but part of me won't let me believe it and keeps telling me I'm pathetic and she doesn't want to see me anymore. 

Hey @MB95, 

That really sucks to hear that you've really been struggling with your anxiety lately, I can imagine it must be super frustrating to have to grapple with a new wave of that, after you thought you had dealt with it. But I really do want to say that you have worked really hard, and have learned a whole bunch of coping mechanisms with the help of your therapist. 

It totally makes sense that you would be feeling a little uncomfortable about the whole email interaction with your psych. Sometimes we can find ourselves putting a lot of pressure on ourselves and others when a situation has made us anxious. This can be particularly true in situations where we are worried that we may have offended someone, and are concerned that they feel slighted enough to abandon us. I do want to reassure you that this probably isn't the case (which you also mentioned in your post). Many psychology clients feel uncomfortable telling their therapist that they don't want to see them anymore, so after long periods where they haven't been able to contact a client, they do have to double check if they no longer want to attend sessions with them. It's definitely not because of her not wanting to work with you!

@MB95  What exactly is it that you are so concerned about with your psych? It seems to big a big cause of anxiety for you.... are your scared of failure? Or maybe you are worried if you are honest your psych will not like you or leave you? Are you scared of “doing the wrong thing”? I am just trying to understand... maybe you are scared that if you talk to her you will have to face some things you are not ready too...? Is there something that you want to tell the psych that you are scared to tell them? 

My psych emailed me again yesterday to check in cause I hadn't replied to her other one yet. I feel so stupid but my anxiety about contacting her and seeing her again is crazy for some reason. I replied this time though cause I felt bad for not getting back to the other one yet, I just needed some time. It upset me at first cause she asked if I want to take a break or see someone else (which I defs don't want) which scared me. But I understand she just wants to know what the go is. I just couldn't help but feel like she was bailing on me for some reason. She's booked me in for next Tuesday but I just feel weird about it and don't know why. I just don't know what I want right now and am so confused!! One moment I think I'm okay and can do this alone and then the next I'm an absolute mess and want to run to her!! I hate it and just wish I was more stable. But I don't know how to be. I just feel like shit and kind of like I've failed myself agreeing to go back and see her. Idk.