TW: Major trust issues, and self-hate is catching up to me
Hi everyone
I guess I’m just feeling like I don’t trust anyone irl. I have been this way since year 4, which was about 5 years ago. I’ve been backstabbed by so many friends in the past, and youth leaders at my old youth group. Those leaders were actually my mentors, and I haven’t healed from that at all, despite never being able to see them again. I forgave them, but it still hurts, to know that I have been so reluctant to get support from anyone, including make friends and talk to my current youth leaders.
Even in this time of trouble, I don’t want to bother my leaders with a call, because I feel like I’m wasting their time. It’s all because of those people in my past, making me an introvert and an outcast in my life.
It hurts, because I just want to be supported by my rl supports. But I feel like a burden to them, making me decide to just go it alone. I feel so alone, all the time. I feel so much self-hate for myself, and I keep telling myself that I am the things I tell myself. Even the slightest mistake I make will trigger my negative thoughts. Even the smallest telling off or rude/angry tone will trigger it. My parents don’t know this, and neither does my family. I want to tell them, but I feel like they shouldn’t know.
I just want to feel loved, supported, and like I’m not alone.
My leaders always tell me that I’m not the things I tell myself, but I can’t believe them. And one of them, always tells me firmly what I am, but maybe I just want to be heard, and given gentle input. And for them to just let me cry. To just let me be who I feel like I am. But no, they have to be all tough on me, and make me feel like I am all those things I tell myself without meaning to make me feel that way.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m hurt, I’m still hurting, and this huge process of recovering from this huge 5 year long period of self-hate is making everything hurt a whole lot more. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Spiritually. And that I don’t feel cared for by mr rl supports and family..
Helplines do not help, so do not suggest them to me.
I also realised that I cope with my anxiety and stress by doing exercise, but forcing me to stop doing it, just makes me more anxious and potentially make me have more episodes if that's what's causing them.
I stopped my unhealthy mechanisms, but I do want to stop eating again. I won't I made a pinkie promise not to. My friend is so childish lol. I love her nonetheless. 😄
I spoke to my mum about how I felt about telling someone about my SH, and she finally understood me. Now I don't have to talk about it, but we're still waiting for my appointment with someone else. That last person was so weird... 😐 Even my mum agrees with that statement lol.
I don't really like any helplines, but I might have a look at them. Surely they can help a little bit too...
Today was weird, but I found out some good news! My primary school is putting on a musical for assessment purposes for the year 5's and 6's, and I might be able to help! I might even be able to get an extra week of work experience to go and see them! 😄 I'm so excited, and with my experience of being IN a musical, I can help a fair bit too! 😄 I can't wait!
I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this disappointment @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I know that all these activities are really important to you, not just as a hobby, but also as part of your identity and coping mechanisms.
It sounds like a lot of things are really hard for you at the moment so I can understand why you've started some more unhealthy coping mechanisms. I can understand why you'd be feeling a bit too uncomfortable to talk to your new psych about your self-harm - especially when you're just getting to know her. It might me a really good idea to talk to them about what you're going through because they might really be able to help you right now. I don't want to pressure you at all though, and I know how stressful it can be to feel like people are pushing you to do something you don't want. Maybe it's something that you can keep at the back of your mind?
I also wanted to give you a heads up about Butterfly Foundation! While the helpline is a big part of their service, they do have a bunch of other things like an online support group where you can talk to other people with similar situations, and a space where you can share your own stories too 
I’m okay now, but its affecting me mentally, because I’ve been banned from what I love doing most...
Hehe, gotta love good quotes! 😛
I’m doing okay, but my youth leader saw my wrist and was like, “is that pen, or is it something else?” I tried to lie and say it was pen, but I didn’t say it quick enough. I half spaced out, which is why it took longer to respond. But she guessed I wasn’t being honest, and talked to me about it some more. Then she had to tell my youth pastor, who then had to tell my parents.
I told my best friend, and she wasn’t mad, so I’m okay with that. She isn’t as supportive to me as I would look for in a best friend, but she isn’t very good at relating to people. So I’m not too worried about her not understanding, because she hasn’t had a mental health struggle like mine before. At least I think thats the case... 😐
I have been eating again, but I’m going to start exercising after school or something. I was supposed to go on a run this afternoon, but it rained, so I couldn’t go. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow...
I would try the butterfly foundation, but I just can’t deal with helplines. they have never helped me, so I just try and avoid them. The weird thing is, I could struggle to eat for a while, but I can easily start eating again. I can easily stop and start my disorder. Is that weird?
Like, I know its not really safe, but I can eat when I need to, after a while.
I just spoke to my mum about what was going on, and how it made me feel, and it helped a bit. I’m not so distressed now, as I was before. But I’m not going to go to youth group or hang out with my friends at lunch anymore... I’m just going to go and sit by myself during lunch times for a bit. Maybe I can even get my thoughts together...
I’m going to find a way to get back into exercise at school, and go on excursions and stuff. Because it’s so unfair, making me stay back, when my body has been okay with whatever was happening which is no longer happening.
I swear that I will get back into it, before music tour starts. I HAVE to go to music tour.
I also found out today, that they won’t even let me do walking and stretching, the alternative sport activity I chose because my competitive sport was full/couldn’t be run. But apparently even THAT is too much for me, when it’s not.
I’m not really ashamed of it anymore, but my mum found out. I didn’t conceal it enough... But now she wants me to talk to the new psych i saw today about it, when I don’t want to. I promised I would never do it again, but she doesn’t care. She even told me that my thoughts and/or input is valid, but today she says that I don’t get a choice whether I talk about my SH or not. I don’t want to, because then I’ll just do it even more. Even though I swore I wouldnt ever again...
I did tell someone at youth group, but they saw my SH because I didn’t conceal it properly, then they told my parents. But now everything is just horrible and wrong, because I can’t do anything I love.
Yeah, shame is a really powerful destructive thing. I’m being destroyed by it now... My body is not beautiful, its worthless. I’d be sorry for anyone else who lived in my body, like I am for me being in this body.
I’m just so sad and broken. I can’t stop crying, I’m so hurt. Why should I be banned from WALKING AND STRETCHING, when that is a simple thing I can do? Just because LAST time was a problem, doesn’t mean it will be THIS time. I just want to do my favourite things. Even if it IS just walking around the school/neighbourhood. Its better than being unconscious on the floor while doing the sport I wanted to do...
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx ,
I'm just catching up on your posts, I'm so sorry to hear that it was such a hard week. Having an ambulance called from your swimming carnival sounds like it would have been pretty scary, how are you feeling now? I think what @Lost_Space_Explorer5 has said is so true, and so powerful - shame can be such a powerful and overwhelming emotion. I've also experienced some chronic health issues in my life, and I will be honest and say that being compassionate to, and grateful for, my body and what it can do is still something I'm working on.
And I love what @Lost_Space_Explorer5 said so much that I'm going to quote it!!
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 wrote:
Shame is a powerful and destructive thing, and you do not deserve it. You don't deserve to be ashamed of how you look or that you're sick either. All bodies are beautiful and it's what's inside that counts the most
YES!!!
I'm really sorry to hear that you hurt yourself, how are you feeling today?
I noticed that you mentioned that you'd been struggling a bit with eating, that can be really hard, especially when you have other health stuff going on as well. If you'd ever like to chat to someone about those feelings, The Butterfly Foundation are really fantastic, they specialise in all types of disordered eating and are super compassionate , non judgmental and knowledgeable They have a national helpline on 1800 33 4673 and online chat as well. I know helplines aren't for everyone but just thought I would mention them 🙂
TW I don't know if this is helpful, but I remember I felt really ashamed about hurting myself once back when I was younger cause my parents found out and I had a scar that I hid all the time and felt so sick and ashamed about. I hid a lot of things, and it just wasn't good for me and looking back I had nothing to be ashamed about, I was just really struggling. Shame is a powerful and destructive thing, and you do not deserve it. You don't deserve to be ashamed of how you look or that you're sick either. All bodies are beautiful and it's what's inside that counts the most
We're here to listen so feel free to vent as much as you need
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx,
I empathize with the incredibly hard week that you have had. It must be so difficult to have fainted twice and to have hurt yourself in the process. I recognize that it must be difficult to deal with the shame of harming yourself and that you might scar. It sounds like you have felt very deep pain, which led you to feel broken and to harm yourself. Also I can only imagine how painful it must be to have to be restricted in your activities due to your body. I understand it must be difficult to give up doing things that you love. I acknowledge that you are not happy with your body right now and what it prevents you from doing.
Please know that there is a community here to support you and you are not alone. It is so great that you express in such a raw and vulnerable way.
My friends aren't like that anymore, but it did hurt.
Today has been the worst, and especially this last week. I've fainted twice this week, but the first time I didn't feel it come on like I normally do. I was standing in the locker room, I can't even remember what I was doing there, but I suddenly passed out. I have a bruise on the top of my ribcage...Then it was swimming carnival yesterday, and I passed out for a good 30 minutes. They called an ambulance etc, and I ended up waiting in the ER for 4 hours at least.
Then today, I found out that I might not be allowed to go on music camp. Because of my body. I might not even be allowed to do sport anymore. And I'm just do broken now. I even hurt myself. I finally got broken enough, to hurt myself. I'm safe now, and I won't do it again, but I'm so ashamed. I promised myself I would never hurt myself. Not to the extent that I did today. And now I'm going to have scars, and there's nothing I can do about it.
The things I love the most, I have to miss out on because of my body. because the deputy principals and principle are worried that something will happen when I'm on camp and all that drama. I'm going a long way away, but I know that my episodes will flare down soon. I just need time for my body to settle into routine again. its just not fair on me.
I know I've been broken before, but nothing has broken me this badly.
Hopefully my body settles itself soon, so that I can still go on camp. I can't miss out on it. Not when I know I can manage my condition, if I get back into routine.
Why did it have to be me? why do I have to be the one that suffers for my body's stupid problems? Why do I even have to have these problems? I'm so hurt that because of this, I have to suffer.
I'm safe, I don't need medical attention, I'm just sad and ashamed of my fat, ugly, useless body...
I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through lately @xXLexi_Lou122Xx. It sounds like things with your friends have been quite tough. It sucks to hear that this has been triggering you and that you are having problems with eating lately. Is there anyone that you would feel comfortable talking to about what you have been going through? Feeling like an outsider really sucks. From what you have described your best friend is often really supportive of you, would you feel comfortable talking to them about some of the points that you have raised? Would it be helpful for you to let them know that you have been feeling this way for a while now? It also really sucks to hear that you have not been feeling physically well lately either. Have you been getting support around this? Is there anyone that might be able to help you feel a bit better?
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
I will talk about it soo, but I'm physically not doing so well, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. But I will talk about it, its kinda hard to understand if I don't explain.
There have been times when I've felt happy with 2 of the people in my group, but not really with the one who introduced me to the friend group. I've never really been understood, only my physical health has been understood by my best friend. none of them have realised that I'm not okay mentally, even when I've said "ouch, that kinda really hurt" when a joke has gone too far. But I also laugh along afterwards, because I'm scared to lose my best friends.
My eating problem only started at the end of term 4 last year, but I was fine during the holidays. But now my feelings have been tipped over the edge, and my eating problems have been triggered again. i've never had a real disorder like that before, but oh well.
My friends issue has been like this for about a year now... I'm always the outsider, no matter what I do...
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx sorry I didn't reply sooner, I didn't get notified that you mentioned me cause of my dodgy tag thing haha. It's so cool that you've known what kind of job you would like since graduating primary! Your old music teacher sounds lovely 🙂 Woah, I had to look up what a luthier was, you learn something every day! Awh rip it got postponed, but yes that does give you more time to practice! I'm glad you're starting to befriend those shoes 😛
I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now 😞 Did you want to talk about what your friends said yesterday? 😞 I'm sorry your friends exclude you and react negatively to what you say... Have you tried explaining that you tend to isolate yourself when feeling sad/lonely? It can be really confusing when you have friends that don't seem to understand you and are super reactive. It can lead you to think things are your fault 😞
I mean sometimes you can be in the right and the wrong at the same time, nothing is ever black and white! That might be why you feel both at the same time? What did your friend say when you tried to explain the insta thing? It sounds like this person can leave you feeling pretty uncomfortable and misunderstood sometimes hey 😞 Are there times when you're with your friends that you feel happy, respected, and understood?
I'm sorry to hear about the eating problems that have been triggered by what your friends did. How long has this been going on?
edit: ReachOut does have a quiz about friendships here if that would be helpful at all? I just thought of it!
I think I've developed a small ed... I just can't bring myself to eat. And its all because of what my friends did yesterday, but its not even really their fault. I just feel so left out and alone, even when I'm with them. It's like they just talk to each other, and I never get to say anything without making things awkward. But its not like they mean to do it, they just do. And I tried to talk to my best friend about it, but she took it the wrong way. I'm a person who tries not to hurt people, even when I'm hurt. But they still don't get it.
I internalise my feelings, and distance myself when I feel sad or lonely, but they don't realise. But my friend with the same name as me, can get really pissed really easily and they will talk about it without me. I'm just the outsider. Even after a year.
Why do I have to be the one who feels like I'm both in the right AND the wrong? It just hurts so much. I even tried to ask in a post on Insta, asking for advice about how to tell someone that they're hurting me, without hurting them or making them feel bad back (without saying names and trying to make it relatively anonymous in that way). My best friend saw it and assumed straight away that it was them. She tried to ask why and what was happening, but every time I tried to explain, she wouldn't understand me at all. Why is it that I can never get what I need, when I need it, and no one understands me?
*sigh* 😞
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, that is really cool that you have a plan for your future. It can be so hard to figure out, especially when you are young! It is such a nice feeling to find something that you are really passionate about
Swimming always seems more difficult than I realise. I used to be good at swimming when I was younger, now I do a few laps and I feel totally out of breath 
So props to you for swimming 70m! It is been so long, I think I have forgotten swimming techniques!
And awesome stuff that your shoes are nearly worn in. I really hate having sore feet, I am all about that comfort life! Hopefully you can wear them without bandaids soon.
Yeah, I'll be careful. I'm definitely not swimming the 100m race, that would be terrible! The swimming carnival got postponed, so I have another week to practice. 🙂
I think the gel pads are helping, because my feet have finally gotten used to my shoes! I just need to finish wearing them in, because I'm still putting bandaids on my toes and heels to cushion them from blisters... But I think I've nearly won my shoes over.
Some people just *know* and I'm like woah 😮 That's so cool you know what you want to do!!Yikes that's terrifying, please be careful when swimming! Maybe it's too soon to tell if the gel pads are working lol? Idk. And that's okay, good luck with the school stuff 🙂
I figured health would be too, but design can be used as another back up teaching job. I could be an art teacher, if that was the case. But I’ll ask my teacher tomorrow, what health will entail and decide from there. 🙂
Yeah, I nearly did, last year!
And I don’t think they want to resuscitate me, so fingers crossed nothing too bad happens. And yeah, I’ll remind myself to eat. 🙂
I hope my shoes get easier to wear soon too. I’ve got some gel pads, but i don’t know if they’re working...
YAS! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!
I would talk about it now, but I have some things I need to get done before school tomorrow. I’ll explain more tomorrow, but yes I would like to talk about it when I get the chance. Thank you for checking in. ❤️
YAYYY YOU GET TO BE A BUILDER?!!!! OMG! 😮 😄 SO EXCITED!
Awh I'm sorry your relationship with your sister is so bad 😞 Did you want to talk about what she said/did that was the final blow? It sounds like it might be better for your wellbeing if you set up that boundary of not being the one to hold together the relationship?
I don't know why, but she keeps shutting everyone else out, being mean, and its been going on for years.
I'm so sick of her hurtful comments, and I can't cope anymore. It's always implied that I'm never enough for her. I work hard to maintain the relationship, but she keeps breaking it down. I'm done being her helpful caring sister. I'm just going to say to her that if she wants help with something from me, she has to start being nicer. I'm so done. It hurts too much to keep trying with her, so its her own fault.
Even when I try and talk to her nicely, she could either react nice or extremely bad. Usually its really bad. so she can suffer if she wants to continuously treat me poorly.
<:(@Lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah lol
Yeah, it does, but it annoys me that they changed it. They set up subject selection in semesters, so there were 2 boxes for one semester, 1 for each elective, and another 2 boxes for the next semester. Those boxes had 4 options, and they were the subjects we had to choose from. They've gone and switched music, which is the only subject that was switched. But as long as I get to do it next semester, I'm okay with it. 🙂
And yeah, I'll have to see what I can do. I just figured out how to access the subject selection, even though its no longer available. I can do design, I just need to ask to switch out and into it. But I'm still kinda torn between doing it and health. Health could be useful for teaching, right? I don't know anymore...
Yeah, I laughed when I thought of how to describe too lol!
Yeah, I don't think it's very fun either. But at least I can exercise, without fainting... At least, I hope that's the case. 😐
Yes! I should! Except for the fact that my pool is only a particular length, and if I had to go and do laps, I'd probably have to go to a 50m pool... I like the sound of it though! 🙂 And yeah, I hope it goes okay! I nearly fainted in the first race, because it was 100m, not 50. I got out of the water after I swam 70m... But I was okay with doing 50m, I just need to make sure I eat something. I usually forget when I'm doing a carnival, so you can probably guess what happens after a while... 😐
Haha, yes, I know blisters too! I started to get a couple on my toes, and they're the first I've had in a loooooooong time! I hope its just wearing them in, but I think its mainly because I have a bigger heel than what I'm used to. I put the gel pads in the bottom of my shoe, like people do with high heels and wedges, but I don't think they've helped a lot. Oh well, hopefully I can just wear them in!
I just remembered, I can become a builder this year! Not until August, but I can! 😄
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx Oh noo your uniform has been christened by the curry Ah that makes sense that they're in different semesters. Yeah if you don't like the Health elective I'm sure you still have time to switch-it's only the start of the semester!
Then I had Drama, with a new teacher. She looked crazy at first, but she's actually pretty good.
Hahahaha this made me laugh^
Awh walking and stretching doesn't sound very exciting compared to basketball 😞 Ooh yay good luck with the swimming carnival!!! 😄 If you like swimming you should think about getting into the RO swimming fundraiser thing!
Oh no with the shoes! I remember getting blisters at school Maybe they'll take a bit to wear in again? Hopefully your feet feel better soon. You could always try getting those insole things if it gets worse- I had to get them for days where I have to stand all day at volunteering
I didn't get my electives sorted out, but I did find out why I wasn't put into music this semester. Year 9 music got switched with year 10 music, so year 9 is this semester, and year 10 is next semester. I hope I'm in that class next semester...
I had my first health lesson today, and I struggled with it... I don't think I should stay in that class, so I might see what else is on in that elective. If not, I'll probably fail and feel really bad about myself...
Yup! I love violin so much, I've been playing that long. And yes, that is why my profile pic is a violin, lol! 😛
@Andrea-RO My first day back was okay, but I lost my hat at the end of the day. I found it again though! phew!
I went to the hall for the first little bit of session 1, which was a whole school assembly, and then we went to our wellbeing classes, and stayed in those for the rest of session 1 and 2. We got our timetables in session 1 as well. Then I had Drama, with a new teacher. She looked crazy at first, but she's actually pretty good. She is a bit of an over-happy old lady, but I guess she's okay. She doesn't really realise that I'm a visual learner though... I need to tell her, so that I can at least be able to write stuff down without forgetting what I'm writing. After Drama, I had senior sport. I'm quite disappointed, because the sports I wanted to do, Basketball or Mixed Netball, no one chose. My back up, Volleyball, was full. I can't play touch, I suck at that one, and they won't do mixed basketball. So I had to join the walking/stretching group....
I hate it when the sports I know I'm good at get full or no one comes and end with me choose another sport because it wasn't at minimum capacity. I'm going to speak up and ask why they haven't got mixed basketball, because that is a sport I dearly love, and am way better at than anything.But apart from all this, the swimming carnival is next week, and I'm going to be participating my best in that. I got age champion runner up for it last year, so I might have another shot at it this year. I just need to train for it... 😐
I also like most of my teachers, especially my maths, Science, HPE, and Health teachers. I also found out that my friend who plays trumpet in the band, is going to join the string ensemble with me. I won't be lonely! She used to play violin, but they didn't have an option for strings when she started at our school, so now she's joining with me!
Overall, It's been a great half week of school. 😄 The only other downside, is that my shoes are really painful to wear. The balls of my feet are extremely sore, particularly my left foot. But hopefully they'll get better soon. 🙂
Cool! I did drama last year, but I really want to try music, considering I've never done high school classroom music. And yeah, its been fun from what I've heard from the other classes. At least, that's what I call fun
. I hope they can organise something, I'll be very disappointed if I don't get into it... 😐Yeah, it is! I play flute, even if I'm not very good at it yet. 🙂 I played for a bit in year 4 and half way through year 5, but then had to quit. I had a lot of commitments! Then I started up again last year, at the end of the year, because I was sick of missing out on all the awards and camps that the band did without me. I played violin as a distance education program, but now they have a teacher. 😄 And its because of me that they do! 😄
I still play violin, I have been for 7 years. This year is going to be my 8th! 😄 Not to mention I'm probably the only senior who will, too lol. 😄
