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Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Thank you @MisoBear and @Beautifullybroken .

I did have snacks on me. But because my school doesn't allow food of any sort in class, so I automatically don't think to eat in that time period. And because I don't keep track of the time, because my phone was in my bag not my pocket, also contributed to it.

Apparently I also was unresponsive for a while. Which is not usually what happens. I mean, I can be unconscious for a while, I think, but I would've thought I'd be able to respond... :/

Ha, and last year I ran 1500m without a problem! Well, I got a little dizzy, but that's completely normal.
Oh well. I have to live with this stupid illness, but I will make it through.

Thank you! I have never really been told that before. If I had, then I probably didn't believe it with some undiagnosed depression...

Can you tell me what subjects are needed? I wanna start looking at subjects, so that I can get a better head start in my future career. Even if I do have 4 years till I graduate high school...

I'm exhausted, but I'm feeling okay. I'll probably have a shower, and get ready for bed. I ate my lunch as soon as I got home, which made me feel less embarrassed.

Do you guys know how embarrassing it is, getting wheeled in a wheelchair, a fair distance to the first aid tent? I've been in the wheel chair twice now, and it is sooo embarrassing.

I think I'll be okay for tonight. I just have to take care of myself better.

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Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , that's great that you recognise that you need to look after yourself. A lot of people don't realise that, so good on you.

 

I would recommend doing some form of Maths, as Psychology requires quite a lot of statistics which is not something most people tell you! I'm not a great Maths person but I've made it through pretty well, but if you have a good grounding in maths you'll be alright. I think you generally need a study score of about 25 in English and I think they would look favourably on people who have done Psychology. However, I think the most important thing is just working hard to get a good ATAR. It's not the be-all and end-all though. Looking after yourself is super important too!

____________________________________________________
“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Thank you @MisoBear,
I also struggle with maths a little bit too. That's why I'm in the lower classes atm.

If I get a better mark in this particular unit for the term, I think I'll be fine. We're doing Ratios and Rates. The easy and not so hard unit, but some parts I don't quite understand yet.

I'm definitely looking after myself. I have HPE today, and gym straight afterwards. But I know that I'll have eaten some food, and had plenty of water by then. As long as nobody keeps asking if I'm okay, I won't have any anger today.

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Today was okay at first.

Until I got to the bathrooms to change for rehearsal...
I went into the cubicle that I know has the most light, and helps me see where my clothes are for the next thing. As soon as I start changing my top, I see words underneath the ones from last term.

If you don't know what last term's words were, here they are now.

"xXLexi_Lou122Xx is a slut"

Here are the new ones.

"She so fat".

I'm feeling very empty right now. And my special teachers and teacher aides who know me, tried to help me see that isn't true. But I feel completely empty. I was crying for a while, IN REHEARSAL, and after I got back, I just felt empty. Now I feel like nothing matters anymore.

I know @Tiny_leaf said not to put a complete mask on in one of my other threads, but I can't help it. I can't let the others see how I really feel.

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx,

 

I am so sorry to hear how much pain you were feeling yesterday. Finding such heartbreaking comments on the walls would have been upsetting- no one should have to read comments like that Heart

 

How are you feeling today? Were you able to use any self care or coping strategies last night to work through the heavy feelings?

 

It is really good that you went and spoke to the teachers when you were feeling upset Heart Super proud that you sought support straight away, that was a really great decision Heart 

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Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Oh... I kinda forgot to put in that they found me, I didn't find them. But I'm glad that they found me standing there alone with a sad face.

 

I'm really sorry @Jess1-RO. I just can't feel anything. I did exactly what @Tiny_leaf said not to do. My friends knew something was wrong, but I said that I was fine. They left me alone after that, but I hate lying. I know I'm not okay, but my outside self just won't show it. I really can't last much longer.

 

https://youtu.be/yMNCKE6GId8

 

Here is a video that my former chaplain sent me, that she thought I needed. I can't. I know what I need. But I'll never get it. 

 

I... I can't.

 

I just need one person in my life, that will never leave me. or at least help me find someone to lean on when I need to. I just need one person.

 

Just one! is that too much to ask for?!

I can't do this any more. I don't know who I am any more.

 

(I am safe)

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx 

 

I saw your post about how you were feeling in another thread and I thought I would respond to your post here. It sucks that you're feeling this way. Some people can be really mean and say really awful things. It is understandable that you didn't feel comfortable confiding in your friends. Sometimes it is easier to just say you're fine than open up to others. But bottling things up is not always helpful, especially if you hate lying. Have you tried telling your friends how you feel before? They might be more understanding than you think.

 

Also I think it's really great you want to be a psychologist. I also study psychology, and it is a really great degree, don't give up! Heart

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Thank you @happycat45.

It’s not that I can’t confide in my friends, it’s the fact that I’m telling them that I’m fine, when I’m really not.

Thank you for the advice though.

Thank you. I still have a fair few years to go, but I’m trying to start now, and get prepared for a better life in the future. It’s either a psychologist, or something to do with performing arts or teaching in that area. Or child care.

I’m nearly ready for youth group tonight, even though my go-to person won’t be there. I’m currently listening to a song on repeat that’s giving me sad emotion, but it’s a way to let out how I feel.

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

It's totally ok to not be fine, and real friends will understand that Heart

 

It's amazing that you're getting prepped for the future! Can never start too early, the time will definitely fly Smiley LOL It's great that you have a good idea of what you want to do, with so many options as well. I still have no clue what I want to do yet! Smiley LOL

 

I hope you have a great time at youth group tonight, even though your go-to person won't be there. Maybe think of it as an opportunity to make a new friend? 

Re: TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.

Haha...
My person was there. Probably because it's the first week back.
But she was busy with her nephews. And the next best leader I can be with, has a teenaged mind and hangs out with the younger people in year 7.

I have got friends there, but not ones I can talk to.
I sat down and did some drawing, but I think I could've been more active.