TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.
okay...
So I have been struggling with Permanent Scars that only I could see, and now I haven't been able to control my balance of health.
I keep overworking myself, without meaning to.
And now... I feel like I've lost my real me all over again. I can't help but listen to Paralysed. I can't stop. Maybe that's what is making me like this. I don't know. But whatever is going on, I want it all to stop. I can't help but feel completely emotionless. And when I get to school on Monday, well... People will start asking if I'm okay...
I want to be okay. But I just want to be vulnerable right now.
Except for the fact that I have no one to be vulnerable with. I can go to youth group tonight, and have someone to hold on to for a bit, but I just don't have the motivation to get my chores done for me to go at all.
I feel like a disappointment. There is two leaders I can go to, if I go to youth group tonight. But I feel like I can't be vulnerable there either...
I don't know what to do.
Sure, you can reply at anytime. 🙂
I don't actually know when, because I'm still trying to get one. There currently aren't any childrens cardiologists in my area, or at least that we haven't heard of them yet.
So I'm banned until the appointment. 😕
I doubt it. I only just started the sugar quit. I'm still overweight...
No, I do not have an ED. It sounds like it, but I'm definitely overweight.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx, I don't really know your full situation but I was on here and thought it might be okay if I replied? 
It's hard when you have something out of your control preventing you from what you love to do...how long until you get to see your cardiologist?
And it sounds like your healthy eating is going well (you have more control than me, my diet is so bad at the moment)! Eating well might be enough to keep you healthy until you're allowed to get back into exercise!
I don't mind.
Ugh. I just got banned from doing the exercise/sports that I do every week. My gp said to not do sport. I really am going to get fat. I'm already overweight, and me losing my exercises will just ruin me. I won't be as happy as normal. I can only do the instrumental music and art kind of things that I like. No sport or gym. I've already been trying to watch my diet, like eating salads and homemade foods. Even quitting sugar. I mean, I have natural sugars, and the sugar from my Iced Coffee and weekly Ice-cream. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I just want to do what I love, which is exercise, more than anything, without all the trouble of my health.
It's just so hard. Why does my health have to do this?
All I have to do is not play sport until I see a Cardiologist. But why. I just want all of this to be forgotten. Just to not have any more appointments. With anyone. Life is just too hard.
More like bright pink purple and blue.
It's the UltraBrights from schwarzkopf.
They make a good mix, I like to think.
Omg, so colourful! I'm imagining you'll look like fairy floss in the best possible way? Or maybe it's more like bright pink, blue and purple?
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx,
Sounds like you're getting through things okay, despite the lack of sleep and the stress you've been feeling about passing out on stage. You're a trooper and you are going to smash this last performance! It's great to see you finding some positives in a not-so-great situation.
What colour are you going to dye your hair?
I haven’t slept properly at all, but I’ll be okay after tomorrow. Then I can dye my hair. Finally!
Closing night tonight, which will be good. Yay!
Sorry I haven't replied for a little while was at some training.
Here are my sleep tips
- Don't go on your phone 30 mins before sleep
- Take nice deep breaths for 1 minute
- Listen to calming noises, Spotify has lots of playlist, I am currently listening to nature sounds
- Give myself a face massage, it sounds silly but is really relaxing
That is exciting about opening night, I am sure it will be amazing. Yay for colouring your hair that is something I love to do.
Good luck @xXLexi_Lou122Xx!!
This probably isn't brilliant for your long term sleep, but naps/ rests in the car can be a quick way to catch up on sleep, which might help a bit.
Thank you so much @queenP, @Tiny_leaf.
Those tips helped more than me just trying to sleep.
I'm still extremely tired, and I can still see myself unconscious on the stage, but I see that less than I did.
Guys, It's finally show day! Opening night tonight, and closing night tomorrow night!
Then I can dye my hair on the Sunday!
Wish me luck guys! 😄
*Yawn*
I'll try them all, and I think I'm going to head to bed now.
Goodnight everybody. Thanks for the help.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , sorry to hear you're struggling with your sleep. When I wasn't able to sleep, I made a sleep routine. Here are a few tips I learned:
- Go to bed at the same time every day - your body will get used to the idea that it's time for bed
- Have a shower at least 1 hour before bed - apparently increasing your bod temperature with a hot shower wakes you up
- Turn the lights down 1 hour before bed - I normally turn on a lamp so my room is lit, but darker than usual, it mimics sunset
- Don't drink any caffeine after 4pm
- Don't eat too close to bed
- Stop using screens 1 hour before bed (if possible) - the blue light produced by screens is similar to the wavelengths of sunlight, which makes the body think it is daytime and time to be awake
- Listen to a meditation tape
- Try progressive muscle relaxation while in bed - this involves tensing a part of the body for 5 counts, and then releasing the tension. You move your way through the whole body, and it promotes physical relaxation
I hope some of that helps. All the best x
I'm not going to be on here for much longer, and I'm yet to take a shower. But after that, I'll do those things.
Thank you. I really need all the help I can get.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx go into your room, turn off the lights, get lots of blankets and warmth.
You don't have to sleep, just try to rest for now. If you fall asleep that's great, if you don't you'll still be better off than if you hadn't rested.
Also put a red light filter onto you phone/ computer.
Yes, I'm definitely juggling a lot right now. At least my musical show days are nearly over. One performance tomorrow night, and another on Saturday night. Then it's over. Then I can sleep and dye my hair. My stress levels are sky-rocketing, and there's no way that they're going down until after the show. Everyone can see that I haven't had enough sleep for days, because my eyes say it all. They're dark under my sad, colour-changing eyes. 😞
I personally have never been as stressed as I am now, so I don't really have any strategies. I'm not even eating properly. All I can see now, is me passing out in front of everyone on the show nights. That will be disastrous, and even harder for everyone else's stress levels. I just want to be able to sleep. There's o wonder why I've been so dizzy lately. Sleep deprived, injured, and chronic health problems are just a terrible mix. I just can't cope.
I haven't even told My director what's been going on, but she's so busy with everyone else, she won't have time to keep an eye on me. At least I think I know how to tell her, after thinking about it. But my body is bound to shut down at any time.
Does anyone have any sleeping tips? Because I really don't know what to do. This is the last night I have to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's the show.
@Tiny_leaf @queenP @Claire-RO @TOM-RO @WheresMySquishy Please help.... I'm desperate right now.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx,
It sounds like you're juggling a lot at the moment. A great thing, which you're clearly very capable of doing, is acknowledging when you're doing better and when you're struggling a bit. Being aware of our stress levels and emotions is an important skill and it can help us cope with our daily lives.
Are there certain things you've done in the past that have helped you sleep when you're feeling stressed?
Sorry @Jess1-RO, I must've missed your reply.
Thank you, and I know that I feel valued here too. Even when some people misinterpret things sometimes. But that's normal.
Yeah, it is a bit hard to fit in training, but I barely even have enough time to come here at the moment. But next week, when the musical show days are done and dusted, I may be able to find time to do it. But for now, I'm just going to focus on getting through this week, and dying my hair.
I guess it is a really important step, but I still struggle with it. I don't even tell others when I start to feel dizzy. Only my close friends that know I have health problems. But I know that I will get better at it over time.
I just need to practice a little bit.
Thank you all for helping me. I don't know what I'd do without you guys on ReachOut.com. 🙂
But right now, I just wanna sleep. I have to finish writing my mathematics draft, before Friday, and have musical rehearsal and an echocardiogram. And I'm still not getting enough sleep at night. I'm so stressed, that I keep waking up at night and won't get back to sleep. And I particularly need to sleep to have enough energy. 😞
Thank you for the support, and yes, I have tried those services. But they didn't help at all. They just suggested the same things that were already suggested. Besides, I meant to physically hold on to someone in real life. Talking over the phone is not the same thing. But thank you for trying to help. I really appreciate it.
Hey,
I can hear you've been feeling really down lately and I'm wanting to send my support,
from what you've said about just wanting to be vulnerable with someone who will listen - and please forgive me if this has already been suggested - but perhaps one of the telephone support services would be able to help in this way? They're there to listen when we need someone to talk to 🙂
I am hearing that you are feeling like your counsellor has other people to see, and this has made it harder to seek help, is that correct? The last few months we have seen your compassion towards others- it's a really incredible quality to be able to empathise and value others! But no matter what you also deserve support and compassion for the things you are feeling just as much as anyone else 
You are worthy and valued Even on days when it is hard to believe these words, you are valued particularly by this community here
While don't provide counselling, we will always be a listening ear here when you are feeling lonely and need someone to lean on. @Maddy-RO made a great suggestion about social skills training, and I am hearing that fitting this in as another commitment might be a bit challenging right now. I am wondering if there may be podcasts or youtube videos on social skills training that would allow you to access this support, without having to build it in as another part of your schedule?
I completely understand that feeling of wanting to be able to open up to someone, be exactly how you feel and be heard with compassion, empathy and without judgement Talking about how you are feeling here is a really important step to build confidence to share how you are feeling with the right people when the time comes The steps you are taking now are so important, and I encourage you to keep reaching out
Yeah, it's hard to sit with, but I'll live.
Yes, B-J goes to school with me.
I do have a counsellor, but I feel like she doesn't have time for me atm. There are people that need her more than me.
Besides, I'm not worth her time.
I guess social skill training would benefit me, but I won't have time for it, with all the stuff going on lately. 😕
Let's just say that life is hard, and I'm struggling with it right now. I just want to cry, and be not okay in someone's arms, that aren't mine or my mum's. Just to be vulnerable. That's all I really need right now. But nobody in real life can see that. Even when I try to explain what I need. They don't listen.
But I'm fine, so why should I need anyone?! I don't need anyone, right?! I'm completely normal, and nothing's wrong with me! right?!
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx
Feeling lonely can be hard, considering humans are social beings. If it makes you feel any better though, feelings of loneliness are very common. For instance, a new service called FriendsLine was developed specifically to target the loneliness encountered by many Australians. I'm glad you've rekindled your friendship with BJ. Often, even having one good friend who you can talk to and trust helps a lot! Does BJ go to school with you?
You mentioned having no one to talk to at rehearsals, youth group, and school. Are you seeing a counselor, and if so, have you spoken to your counselor about these feelings? Making friends can be difficult sometimes but I think it is something that gets easier with age. I'm not sure what's causing things to be this way for you, but sometimes a bit of social skills training can help someone who is wanting to make more friends. Simple things like smiling more can make you appear more approachable to strangers. Approaching others can also help in terms of making friends! Does social skills training sound like something you might consider?
Yeah, it kinda has. I do have another couple of tests, but they aren't until next week.
My friend is so precious to me, and I can't afford to lose her.
I guess I don't really know the answer to that question. I never had a friend there for me, when I hated myself and my life. Because this friend, we'll call her B-J, was one of the people who ditched me last year and made me want to die.
But I have her back now, and I can not lose her. She is my precious little gem.
I will find a way to be there for her.
But apart from my friend, I just feel alone. I'm always alone when I'm at Musical rehearsal, I'm alone at youth group, and I just don't feel okay. My health is part of it, but not much. I don't have anyone to talk to at school, or anywhere, really. But hopefully one day I will. Even if it's not until I'm old.
😞
