TW: Permanent scars, not taking care of my health, losing emotions, and I just can't be okay rn.
okay...
So I have been struggling with Permanent Scars that only I could see, and now I haven't been able to control my balance of health.
I keep overworking myself, without meaning to.
And now... I feel like I've lost my real me all over again. I can't help but listen to Paralysed. I can't stop. Maybe that's what is making me like this. I don't know. But whatever is going on, I want it all to stop. I can't help but feel completely emotionless. And when I get to school on Monday, well... People will start asking if I'm okay...
I want to be okay. But I just want to be vulnerable right now.
Except for the fact that I have no one to be vulnerable with. I can go to youth group tonight, and have someone to hold on to for a bit, but I just don't have the motivation to get my chores done for me to go at all.
I feel like a disappointment. There is two leaders I can go to, if I go to youth group tonight. But I feel like I can't be vulnerable there either...
I don't know what to do.
I also struggle with maths a little bit too. That's why I'm in the lower classes atm.
If I get a better mark in this particular unit for the term, I think I'll be fine. We're doing Ratios and Rates. The easy and not so hard unit, but some parts I don't quite understand yet.
I'm definitely looking after myself. I have HPE today, and gym straight afterwards. But I know that I'll have eaten some food, and had plenty of water by then. As long as nobody keeps asking if I'm okay, I won't have any anger today.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , that's great that you recognise that you need to look after yourself. A lot of people don't realise that, so good on you.
I would recommend doing some form of Maths, as Psychology requires quite a lot of statistics which is not something most people tell you! I'm not a great Maths person but I've made it through pretty well, but if you have a good grounding in maths you'll be alright. I think you generally need a study score of about 25 in English and I think they would look favourably on people who have done Psychology. However, I think the most important thing is just working hard to get a good ATAR. It's not the be-all and end-all though. Looking after yourself is super important too!
Thank you @MisoBear and @Beautifullybroken .
I did have snacks on me. But because my school doesn't allow food of any sort in class, so I automatically don't think to eat in that time period. And because I don't keep track of the time, because my phone was in my bag not my pocket, also contributed to it.
Apparently I also was unresponsive for a while. Which is not usually what happens. I mean, I can be unconscious for a while, I think, but I would've thought I'd be able to respond... 😕
Ha, and last year I ran 1500m without a problem! Well, I got a little dizzy, but that's completely normal.
Oh well. I have to live with this stupid illness, but I will make it through.
Thank you! I have never really been told that before. If I had, then I probably didn't believe it with some undiagnosed depression...
Can you tell me what subjects are needed? I wanna start looking at subjects, so that I can get a better head start in my future career. Even if I do have 4 years till I graduate high school...
I'm exhausted, but I'm feeling okay. I'll probably have a shower, and get ready for bed. I ate my lunch as soon as I got home, which made me feel less embarrassed.
Do you guys know how embarrassing it is, getting wheeled in a wheelchair, a fair distance to the first aid tent? I've been in the wheel chair twice now, and it is sooo embarrassing.
I think I'll be okay for tonight. I just have to take care of myself better.
I think it's amazing how you want to be psych. I'm study psych here, it's a long road, but I think it is a rewarding one. I think society needs more people like you.
Hey @xXLexi_Lou122Xx , that's okay, sometimes that happens! I definitely do that when I'm in the swing of things. Do you think it might help to just keep a little snack like a piece of fruit or some nuts on you when you're doing events like sports days (even a packet of sultanas or something in your pocket) so in case you forget to eat? I try to always take a snack with me wherever I go.
I must've missed you're reply. Nevermind, I found it now!
I am definitely putting myself first, but I got into the swing of doing that, and made myself pass out today.
I forgot to eat my lunch, before running 400m. It was sports day at school, and we don't have set times to eat, so I forgot to eat some food before running. I got to about 3/4 of the track, and then passed out. We weren't allowed to walk in any part of it, so that also contributed to it. I didn't eat a proper breakfast either, so I guess I could have taken more care of myself. But it's sports day, and we don't have a set time to eat. So I have a reason to forget to eat. I'm so used to having a set time, for eating.
Anyway, I came first in javelin yesterday, because I was the only one to sign up. I came second to the most athletic girl in my age group, and fourth in the 100m sprint.
Sometimes it can feel like a LOT to ask, but put yourself first. If you're behind because of others, do what's best for you and don't worry about bothering others. As you say, school is important so if changing class will help I say give it your best shot. I'm actually studying to be a psychologist, so I think that's great that you want to become one too.
Also, I would actually say it's generally not because people drop out. No one in my year level at school dropped out. I think it's actually more to do with people maturing and becoming more focused on their futures like you are now. People mature at different rates, and so it can be frustrating now when people are acting like dickheads, but I know from experience it will get better! Keep on keepin' on, you're doing well!
It is, but I don't really want to have to ask, just because the class is full of dickheads.
I realise that people are better when they're older, but that because all the people that don't want to be at school, all drop out.
I'm not dropping out, because I want to go to uni and get a good job. I want to be a psychologist when I leave school! I can help the kids at school when nobody else understands. Including some psychologists.
I mean, I already help support others here on the forums, and I love to take care of my friends when they feel alone.
Even my mum agrees. But I don't really know what I can do about getting a good degree, if I can't even talk to a Head Of Department (HOD) about changing a class. Especially when I need more help with math than others do, because I'm so behind from my class being assholes.
*Sigh*
I know right?!
My favourite is definitely the meatballs. They have such a great taste, that I can't describe. 😄
I guess school was okay. My classes changed a little bit, but not very much. The only ones that have/will definitely change, is my tutorial (one day elective), and HPE. My P.B.L. (main elective) has changed, I'm doing hospitality. Yay! I really want to change my math class though... Don't get me wrong, the teacher is really nice, but she can't control the mix of kids. The teens that are in my class all act like 2 year olds.
I hope I can move class soon. Maybe if I study hard enough, I can get a better mark, and move classes next term. I don't even think that will work... *Sigh*
Oh well.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx oof.. yeah that's not ideal...
Ikea food's so good! Honestly a little too good for a furniture store 
I hope that school was okay, do you have any self care planned for afterwards?
Why not?
Dinner was good, but there were too many people there. Sooo loud, and I was already exhausted from rehearsal. Not to mention being female is annoying. If you get my drift...
But the food was pretty good. We had Ikea meatballs, chicken, chicken with some form of sauce, rice, and salad. There was nachos too, but I hate nachos.
Ugh. School is back today, and I'm still very very tired.
Lord help me.... 😕 😞
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I missed your reply somehow sorry..!
That sounds so cool!!!
And we perhaps have a new topic for the debate thread; olives are amazing!
Especially the subway ones.
How did dinner go, was it good?
BLECK!!!!!!! Olives are disgusting! How can you eat those poisonous things????!!!!
Yeah, my sub was awesome. I had a meatball, mozzarella, red onion, cucumber, tomato, garlic aioli, and salt.
Honestly, I'm feeling pretty empty, but extremely tired. School goes back tomorrow, but my holidays ended on Friday. Hopefully I don't pass out tomorrow. I'm very overtired.
I'm having dinner at my grandparents, so I have to go now. But I'll be back later.
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx what colour are you planning on dyeing it?
I love subway. Mostly because of their olives. I would buy those olives by themselves if I could!
I think I have a normal-ish reaction to it, but not, at the same time. I think I had a pretty easy sleep, and went to bed pretty quickly. But then I guess it wasn't a very good sleep, because I was still yawning all day for ages.
As I type this, I yawned. 😛
I just got back from shopping, with my grandma. She spoiled me a little bit, by getting me 2 shirts, a pair of active leggings and a workout top, some hair dye (for her too), my knee brace, and she bought me lunch. I had subway, which was good. I had a foot long for the first time ever, and I was filled up more than a 6 inch can!
Now I just need to buy myself some more iced coffee for tomorrow, and I should be good. I hope...
I can't believe who I saw at the shopping centre though. I saw my musical director and teacher, my former year level deputy (who went on maternity leave), my 2 friends, my enemy, another teacher, some church friends, and a classmate! How crazy is that? All in one day too!
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx could it've been ADD or ADHD? I've got that, as well as ASD (autism spectrum disorder), but I think that the weird-coffee effect is more common in ADD.
My friend on the other hand went completely hyperactive after having coffee for the first time, she needed someone to help her calm down.
I think my sister has the same thing as you. It's like ASD or something like that, where coffee makes you sleep instead of wake up.
I know a person that has that ability to sleep instead of wake up, and it's really cool!
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx yay!!!!
I can't drink coffee, it knocks me out somehow.. maybe I should drink coffee to help me sleep
I'm glad you're excited, and it sounds really fun!!!
I'll finish that picture soon, and post it on the new thread I'll make in a little bit.
I guess it's kind of like turning negatives into positives... Oh well! It's more fun with art in it. 😄
I just got back from the city today, and I am dead. I had two bottles of Iced coffee, because I haven't had it before, and I liked it. I also only got 3 hours of sleep, because my knees had gotten very sore for some reason, that I think I know.... =_=
Tomorrow, I'm going to my grandparents church for a fitness class, and help clean the carpets before the class starts. Should be fun, and I'll be a little more stretched for musical rehearsal on the weekend.
I GOT THE SCHEDULE FOR IT TOO!!!! I know the order of what's going on, and we get to have a PHOTO SHOOT on the last day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so excited 😄 😄 😄 😄
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I think a thread about it could be helpful. I remember writing down names that people called me or bad things about myself, so I think that a lot of people could relate to this and benefit from focusing on the good things about themselves instead.
I’m drawing it now.
What do you guys think about making a thread about it?
I think it’s a cool idea....
@xXLexi_Lou122Xx I think that could be a good idea. 
I saw something in real life where people shared words used by their bullies and replaced them with empowering words such as, 'unique', 'fearless', 'free', etc. It was about turning perceived faults into strengths.
I think I’ll draw a counter picture. I like the idea of posting both beside each other, and I could possibly make a thread for it. Where you make one picture of self hate when you’re in a bad headspace, and make a counter picture to post with it. As long as it’s within the guidelines.
What do you think?
