tw: when will it stop?
At the suggestion of @Jay-RO, I've made another thread (sorry) on my my thoughts and some other stuff. Also I drafted this up a while ago but I never got around to posting it...
So I'm going to talk a bit about my voices. Yesterday at my psych appt. I was able to 'discover' a bit about these voices using different techniques. So basically there are 2 prominent ones. One is a more masculine figure/voice. It's looming, tall and intimidating. It's very aggressive and the one that is telling me to die/saying things like your worthless/a failure etc. The other is a girl. She's frightened and she reminds me of myself, though she isn't me. She's the one that's telling me to SH, because 'it will make him stop.' She is feeling what I'm feeling as well. My head is literally so fucked up right now. My psych kept saying they aren't real, but they are, at least to me. Maybe I'm just another one of the voices...
The other, very much real, looming problem is my mother finding out about my SH. My psychologist wants to tell my mum because she's going to link me up with a psychiatrist and possible get some diagnoses... My next session is next Thursday. I am not ready for my mum to find out. She doesn't know ANYTHING about mental health. I need her to know that it isn't her fault, she didn't do anything to make me feel like this. But she'll blame herself and that'll just make me feel worse. I think the reason I find it so hard to even think about doing, is because I'm closest to her. I don't care if my father figured out, I hope he'd know that he caused all of this. I want him to know just how much his abuse has effected me without him even caring.
I spoke to my KHL counsellor a few hours ago and she made me feel a bit better. She helped me realize that my mum has always tried to support me and hopefully that would hold for this situation. She's so sweet 🙂
I'm sorry if any of this broke the guidelines, if it did I'm very sorry 😞 Please edit it, I tried to be aware.
Hi @annabethxchase may I ask do you hear these voices outside of your head? As in they come through your ears like anyone else talking to you? Or do they feel like they come from inside your head? I am only asking to understand what kind of voices they are as I find often things that help are different depending on which it is.
As as for the SH it can be very hard to stop once you start but it is good you are trying. Personally I have found it better since my mum found out not immediately but after a while and yes a long while it is better than constantly hiding and being scared someone will find out. Although it was very hard to get to this place of understanding between my mum and I but it is better. But again it depends on the people involved as to what works best.
The voices are in my head, I can't hear them being spoken to me.
Thank you 🙂 really helped hearing that it can get better. I think I'm just overthinking everything. Im kind of a pessimist, always jumping to the worst conclusions....
@annabethxchase Thats ok i am glad i could help. over thinking is tricky and very tiring but sometimes you just cant help it. although lots of people do it just some more than others. as for the voices the ones in your head can be tricky i find the ones in your head are often a reflection of your feelings and beliefs that you have deep inside and subconsciously. like they are your thoughts but super loud and super intense and they are like not thoughts that you actively think as well. like it is almost like your subconscious is screaming at you. thats how i find them anyway. sometimes meditation can help with that but you have to be in the right head space and it isnt for everyone. other than that i find mostly just distractions or occasionally yelling STFU in my head can give a few seconds rest.
Hey @annabethxchase, thanks for checking in. I don't think you are a wuss by getting your psych to tell your mum about your SH - in fact, I think it's a good idea, because they will be able to provide reassurance and make sure everything's okay. 
Do you think it would help to practice some self compassion or use turning negatives into positives for some of those heavy thoughts tonight?
sorry im so in and out...don’t really have words right now but stay strong @annabethxchase
Hey @annabethxchase, I just wanted to jump in here and add that I think you're really brave. It sounds like you're going through some tough stuff at the moment and I hope we can support you as much as possible 🙂
I’m sorry to hear that. What do you think will change that? Are you safe?
Hey there @annabethxchase (responding to your other post here :))
Thanks for letting us know you're safe right now. Contacting a helpline for when you feel unsafe sounds like a great idea.
I'm sorry to hear that the voices are strong today, you don't need to talk about them if you don't feel comfortable doing so. You mentioned that you're out right now, do you think when you get home you'd be able to contact a helpline to talk about these thoughts?
