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Instrutive thoughts about sexuality

Hi guys. I’ve been here multiple times during Covid time of 2020. I found an old forum about something suffering “HOCD” (just OCD with instrutive thoughts) and I decided to post there. Little did I know I’d be here secretly on a secret email all the time for the next 3 months of my life. I did not eat much or talk much to my family and vanished from the once extroverted and happy usual self I was. I was quiet. I pushed everyone away and it was one of the worst times in my life possible. I was suffering thinking about my sexuality. I’ve had sexual dreams involving intercourse purely with men that I’ve always enjoyed or found pleasurable but with women I’ve never felt the same. It’s always been uncomfortable and makes me want to struggle free from the grasp. It’s not the thought of “this is wrong” with the same sex but moreso the uncomfortable thought of having the same body against mine in intimacy. I’ve found guys attractive but also found girls really pretty or beautiful looking. I was crying thinking about how I wanted to look like Madison Beer and be those pretty celebrities and it spiraled into a “I don’t think she’s pretty I want to be with her.” Which mentally destroyed me the more I thought about it everyday. Everywhere I looked I first thought of “Oh my god she has such nice waists” which I never thought before or ever told myself, and would switch to “ugh that guy is ugly” because I kept telling myself I was lesbian from all the thoughts I had from Madison beer. When I thought this, my mind would be clumped and I couldn’t even think straight, I was just overwhelmed and it felt forced to even talk about the body of the same sex. 

I’ve had this crush on a guy or talked to majority of guys and had small little bursts of “cuteness” I felt when talking or when they complimented me. One guy I still do have a massive crush on since 6th grade and now I’m in 10th. When I think of the future I see him, even though I’m nonexistent in his life now. (Used to be best friends). I never confessed though. Every time I see him now I always wonder if it’s an excuse to hide my TRUE sexuality, and I get afraid. If I think a girl is pretty and she talks to a guy or another girl, I’ve never envied the people she spoke to/liked. I’ve only ever envied the attention she’d receive for example. 

I feel bad bringing this up because it feels like I should already know how I feel, but I don’t. I see my future with a man but I wonder what it’s like with a girl sometimes. I do find women attractive, for sure but sexual intimacy is never something I’d consider even if I have thought or imaged it in my head. I see a girls curves , butt or boobs and kind of wished I had them, because they look really pretty or makes them seem more feminine. 

the reason why I’m so afraid of anxious is because I have a super deep voice for a female and sometimes I sound like my brothers on call. It’s not the usual high pitched voice and people have asked if I was actually a guy through online friend calls. I hate my voice and wish I had one that was more high pitched. I hate shopping, I play video games, I don’t wear make up (hate wearing it because I don’t want makeup to defy my looks I want to be confident in my own skin.) and I don’t do girly things. I’m a tomboy moreso and the way I talk is pretty tomboyish too in terms of my slang and what “the boys” would say. That made me drive into a “Oh my god I’m a lesbian” because I act that way. 

The incident that also drove me to this point is this girl I met at my new school. She came up to me wanting to be friends (she’s pretty damn popular) and I thought she was pretty. She and I talked for a couple hours during the school day and she eventually Invited me to sit with her during class even though she had other friends. I guess I felt flattered by it because I never really would expect that from someone since I’m always the one approaching. Because of this little hapoy butterfly moment of excitement from a new friendship I’ve created it randomly hit me and I asked myself, “You bloody like her don’t you?” But no, I don’t. I don’t at all, oh my golly. My brain keeps telling myself that I’m in love with her and then every single girl I walk by now and every guy I see is SOOO UGLYYY is what it’s making me think even if I think the guy is super cute. It was never like this before but it randomly hit me AFTER I started thinking I was too tomboyish or seemed like a boy because of my actions I portrayed. 

now, this seems all offensive towards sexuality and ect, but I’m a supporter but think I might be one which I’ve tried to open up about so that I become more comfortable and not worried of the subject. I have friends that are from the LGBTQ community that I’ve helped them COME to their understanding... of course they do it on their own since it’s a journey of self realisation but I hate that I feel this way and feel immense guilt towards my friends too. I love them, and appreciate them for coming out and understanding theirselves but I just can’t imagine myself with another woman long term and the thought of it keeps hacking into my brain... 

 

I was fine for the entire year eventually after getting rid of the instructive thoughts but I want to vent it now and get some help before it’s too late again and I won’t be my usual self and cry everyday. I can’t cry, I need to be strong. 

Thanks... : )

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Re: Instrutive thoughts about sexuality

@UnderstandingBridge it sounds like these thoughts have been taking a toll on you. Something that could help is to journal your thoughts and feelings to try to determine the why behind them. Have you found anything to help you to cope? 

I personally do not know too much about this so i hope that some others respond that know more but I wanted to suggest that maybe it could be worth doing some more research to try to gain a better understanding as this could help you to decide for yourself what your sexuality is (and what if anything are you doing to do, come out?) and how to cope with these intrusive thoughts, Here are some videos I found to get you started https://youtu.be/A5Vxc3iMPng

https://youtu.be/5m2MMnyzWQs

https://youtu.be/3pzCAP7NQXM

Re: Instrutive thoughts about sexuality

Hello @UnderstandingBridge, sounds like things have been tough for you lately. I am sorry to hear that you have these intrusive thoughts and are sometimes unsure how to manage them. Do you have have any strategies that you use that helps with these thoughts at all? Do you have anyone that you feel comfortable talking to about what you have been going through?

Re: Instrutive thoughts about sexuality

Hi @UnderstandingBridge thanks for reaching out. It sounds like a really confusing and complex problem that your brain is trying to force you to solve as soon as possible- that's just my impression of the intrusiveness? I wanted to relate this to my own experience that I had when I was around your age before I realised I was asexual/bi. I remember feeling so distressed and upset that I wasn't swooning over boys like everyone else in my year, but assuming the opposite and being attracted to girls exclusively also filled me with dread because I didn't feel that much differently. Neither sat right with me. I found myself trying to find evidence either way to try and get an example, which definitely was keeping me up at night. I definitely remember finding ONE guy I was attracted to and thinking about them forever because it seemed to be a relief I guess? So I guess I was trying to prove something to myself too.

 

Finding asexuality as a definition gave me some respite because it gave me something to grasp onto. I wonder if finding a more defined label of possibly bisexuality leaning towards male or female attraction could help? Maybe even the romantic spectrum, for example being romantically attracted to one sex but sexually attracted to the other? Just as a way of answering your own question I guess without trying to pick every piece of evidence.

 

I also want to say that it's normal to be bisexual, if that's your case, and decide you don't want to be with one sex even if you're attracted to them. I have a friend who wants to have the classic nuclear family even though she is actually more attracted to women, so she dates men. Another friend is bi ace but she wants to be with a girl. Another friend doesn't know what she is attracted to fully yet at age 24. I can't fault their way of viewing their sexuality or their journey- it's such a personal thing, and it's fine to find yourself struggling to come to terms with things that everyone around you seems to accept or have sorted out for themselves.

 

Finally about worrying about being tomboyish, I don't think that will be a thing that has to make you date certain people if you don't mind me saying. Neither is makeup or video games or not liking shopping. I know lots of girls who don't shave their legs or don't wear makeup and never wear dresses, it's becoming a lot more common. If you're hoping to find a guy in particular who is into that, I promise there are lots who would really like to find someone who is similar to them as a partner, rather than a super feminine girl, if that makes sense? And you never know, you might find your interests change as you get older and that might introduce you to new groups and ideas and people too! As for your voice, I find that lots of people will overlook qualities that you think are dealbreakers, it will seem weird for you but it becomes up to them and not you if that makes sense! I also do know people have found ways to change their speech to sound more masculine and feminine, whether by a speech therapist or just practice by themselves. I'm not trying to say that the way to fix it is to change yourself but if it really comes to that know that you can do it Smiley Happy Anyway I hope something I said helped, I feel like I rambled a bit!