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TW: Lonely and just wanting someone to care..
So it's probably a real stupid question to ask if anyone's ever felt lonely before because most people have, but I just wanted to see if any of you have some tips on how to deal with it?
Uni has just finished and it's made me realise how alone I am. I have no friends or family where I'm living so mostly spending days at home alone if I'm not at work and it's really starting to get to me.
I just feel really numb and sad and my self-harm/suicidal thoughts are pretty full on at the moment. I'm trying not to listen to them but when there isn't much else going on it's bloody hard!!!
I also saw my psychologist yesterday and tried to ask her if we could do two sessions next week instead of one because it's our last week before holidays and there's a lot I feel like I want to talk to her about. I'm also kind of scared I'm not going to have contact with her for over a month but she didn't seem to like the idea so we just booked one session. I know she didn't mean anything by it and she's busy but for some reason it's really upset me and made me angry and now I don't even want to go next week. I know she didn't mean it, but it just made me feel like she's sick of me and doesn't want to work with me anymore and it's just made me feel even more alone and worthless. Any suggestions on how I can stop feeling like this? Especially towards her because she really is an awesome therapist and it's upsetting me that for some reason I'm angry at her?!?
I also wanted to ask if anyone else experiences anger with loneliness? Like all I want is for someone to care and want to spend time with me, not because it's their job or they have too, but because they want too. And then when no one does I get angry and hate myself (and others) but then when someone does actually show interest and wants to help I also get angry and push them away?!?! Like I can't make sense of it. I want someone to ask me how I am and show they care but then if someone does I try my best to push them away and then get angry when they go? I know it's ridiculous but I really can't help it. Does anyone else ever feel like this or is it just me? Because it sucks and I don't want to seem ungrateful!!!!
Do you know what happens if you just drive yourself to the hospital? Cause my psych talked me through the process the other day if I call them but I really don't want an ambulance coming here to get me! I would much rather drive myself there?
Thank you @Andrea-RO. I forgot about the elastic band and ice cubes. My psych had told me about them and I used the elastic band alot but tried the ice cubes a couple days ago and it did nothing. I was so numb and out of it that I couldn't seem to feel the usual burning sensation. I appreciate you not judging me and reminding me of the other alternatives.
I just had a shower and made myself a tea to see it that would help and if I'm still feeling this way in a while I'll try calling them. Crisis lines just scare me and I feel bad calling cause I always feel ike there is someone out there who needs it more than me and I might be wasting the call while they could be saving someones life. I just feel like I don't deserve the help. Plus I've tried their online text things but it usually just makes me worse.
I am so so sorry that you're feeling this way right now @MB95,
I am very glad to hear that you are safe at the moment, and you should be incredibly proud of yourself for still being able to make sure you are safe, even when you are feeling really distressed.
In terms of safe self-harm, there are a couple of self-harm alternatives that are out there, including flicking a elastic band on your wrist, or holding an ice cube in your hand, or in the area you want to hurt. It's really important that you are still very cautious when doing these, as they can also be dangerous if done in excess.
In terms of talking to someone, it might be helpful to call a crisis line right now. This might be the quickest and easiest way to get how you're feeling off your chest, and they'll also be able to guide on what to do next, and whether it's a good idea to go to hospital tonight. If you like you can give them a call, and then you can check back in on the forums afterwards
**Possible trigger warning**
I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about this or not but I really need to talk to someone. I'm not okay. I thought I was but I'm not. I'm safe though so don't want anyone to worry, I just really need someone to talk too. I want to call my psych so bad right now. I feel like I really need her.
I've struggled with suicide alot in the past and thoughts of self harm. I've never cut but it's all I want to do right now and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm trying so hard but I can't. The thoughts won't stop. I can't help but imagine the relief I will feel afterwards. But I'm scared. I was reading online how to do it 'safely' but I never realised how much shit you had to be careful of, like infection and stuff? Idk. I really just want to do it but I do not want to land myself in hospital because I don't want anyone knowing and looking at me. I just want this to stop and I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any ideas for self-harm alternatives? Or a way to stop this? I'm really sorry but I just need to talk to someone. I would usually never post this kind of stuff on here but I'm really desperate at the moment. I thought of taking myself to the hospital because I don't feel safe but that just scares me. I've even been thinking of just going and sitting in the 24hr part at uni until tomorrow so hopefully someone is around and then seeing if they will let me just sit in the office tomorrow. I know I'm not allowed to see my psych with this dumb virus but I feel like I just need to sit in the waiting room and calm down. My head won't stop. My thoughts are racing and my head is pounding. I just want it to stop and feel a rush of relief from this shit!!!!
Hey @MB95,
I am so sorry to hear that you've had a bit of a rough day after your appointment, I know that you've been concerned about your diagnosis for a while, so I can only imagine how jarring it must be to finally talk about it. You should never second guess yourself for reaching out for support, especially on the forums! We will always be here to listen and help as much as we can
You should be extremely proud of yourself for going for a walk and trying to do some self-care after your appointment. Unfortunately, even some of our most effective self care strategies are not always going to work, but it's still so important that you tried. Do you know what might help you feel a bit better right now? We could think about some different coping mechanisms, or if you wanted, we could talk about how you're feeling and what you're thinking right now Or alternatively, we could talk about something totally different/play some games if you like 🙂
I'm sorry guys, I don't mean to be so needy I'm just really struggling with todays chat with my psych. I don't have anyone to talk too and I just feel so alone. I thought going for a walk would help but it's made me so much worse for some reason. I feel like a piece of shit and a complete waste of space. I have so much anger and hate built up towards myself and I don't know how to let it out without doing anything stupid. I just want to cry but I can't. I'm so numb. I just feel sick in my stomach. I guess I'm disgusted with myself. It's so hard to explain, it's like I feel every emotion all at once but then am so numb at the same time that I can't feel anything?!
Thanks @Janine-RO. It was a pretty full on and confronting session but I'm starting to feel a little calmer about it now as time goes on. I think I just need time to process it. I just never thought my psych would agree with me so it's taking a bit of processing. In a way it's kind of nice to know she is thinking along the same lines as me and I don't have to keep guessing about BPD anymore but at the same time it's extremely confronting and I'm not sure what to take from it. She also kept telling me it doesn't define me and doesn't change anything with her but I think that's why she's held off so long telling me is because she knew I wouldn't take it well. I'm trying. It just feels like I failed I guess and there is actually something wrong with me after all. It's so hard to explain cause I would NEVER judge anyone for having a mental health illness/issue but for some reason when it's me it's like I won't accept it?! I just feel weird.
I'm going to take myself for a walk I think and just listen to some music. I could feel myself slipping into a depressive state thismorning and been trying to fight it off so figured a walk couldn't hurt. Idk. I'm all good, just feeling a little lost and like I've failed.
@MB95 it is really lovely to hear that RO and the people in this community have been helpful for you - we are so happy that you're here, and it's a privilege to be part of this space.
It sounds like that conversation with your psych was pretty shit and upsetting for you - but I also think it's incredibly brave of you to admit what was on your mind to her, it can be much easier to avoid those conversations, and you didn't. I know that the diagnosis of BPD still carries a lot of stigma, unfortunately I think the media also have a lot to answer for there - but I do know a few people in my personal life who also have that diagnosis, and it does not change who they are. They remain awesome humans. A diagnosis can also help work out what treatment approaches might be helpful for you - but it definitely doesn't define you as a person.
How are you feeling this afternoon? Sounds like it's been a pretty huge day for you, can you do something nice for yourself this evening?
So I spoke to my psych thismorning and she re-explained the whole psychiatrist thing to me so after talking to you guys about it and hearing that she isn't going to leave me and I'll still be doing therapy with her I'm feeling a little more accepting of the idea. I still don't know that I want to do it because I'm really scared of being given a diagnosis but at the same time, I trust my psych and GP and they think it might be a good idea to bring someone else on board. Hearing your stories and support has really helped too so thankyou ❤ It sucks not being able to talk to anyone in person about any of this but I'm so thankful RO exists and such amazing people like you guys exist!!
We talked quite a bit about diagnosis cause I told her in my email how scared I am. It was helpful to start with but then we got talking more about me and she asked if there was something I thought I might be diagnosed with and was scared about so I told her. And I was REALLY hoping she'd disagree and say it was all in my head like I was thinking but instead she said she has had BPD at the back of her mind but didn't want to diagnose me with it because of the stigma and she knows how I'd react. It was a shit conversation and I cried a little when I heard she was on the same page as me cause I really thought I was just over reacting and was fine. So I'm not entirely sure how I'm feeling at the moment because I didn't want it to be real but I guess it is now. I just wanted to be prepared for what a psychiatrist might say but I really didn't think my psych would agree with me. I kinda just throught she'd laugh and tell me to stop being stupid.
Thanks for sharing your experience @Janine-RO, I really appreciate it!
I have an appointment with my psych tomorrow and have just spent the last couple hours trying to word an email to her cause I'm not good at talking so hopefully she'll bring it all up tomorrow and I'll sort through some of it đź‘Ť
Hey @MB95 ,
It's so nice to "see" you around here again, and I'm really glad that RO is a place that is safe and supportive for you:)
I can completely hear your ambivalence around taking meds - it's such an intensely personal thing, and unfortunately sometimes it does take some trial and error to work out what's the right fit for you. To share some personal experience, I know that I was really resistant to the idea of trying medication, and the first type I tried many years ago wasn't a good fit for my body. But it turned out that for me, a low dose of a different medication really was a game changer - it helped me feel enough like 'myself' to start to engage more with other types of therapy and start making changes in my life. Like I said, though, everyone is different, and I think it's completely understandable to feel apprehensive. Hopefully a good psychiatrist will be able to answer any questions you have around it too, including how long it takes to safely come off them again 🙂
If you're feeling anxious about your diagnosis, or a possible diagnosis, I think that's a really reasonable question to ask your psychologist - even if it's just to address some of what you're afraid of, if that makes sense.
Yeah I find RO so much easier @Eden1717. Can't say I felt welcomed on sane when they just straight out told me they weren't a crisis line and couldn't help..
Don't worry, you haven't scared me from meds lol I think I've scared myself from them enough as it is! And I do get that I'm not going to know if it'll work until I try it, I guess I just don't wanna be trying them forever which is why I've said I'll only try one more. Cause sometimes I just wonder if they do more harm than good.
Thank you so much. I REALLY appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences around bpd and bipolar. It's just all so confusing and I'm trying so hard not to self-diagnose myself but I also kind of want to be prepared if I do end up seeing a psychiatrist cause I don't want it to come as a complete shock. It's so hard to know if I'm reading into things too much or if I do actually have it and I'm just trying to talk myself out of it. Not sure if that makes any sense? If you don't mind me asking, have you often been outright told what your diagnosis is? Or have you had to ask? Cause I feel like I want to ask my psychs opinion first and see if she's actually diagnosed me with something before I go to the psychiatrist cause I feel like she'd have a much better idea than me. But I also don't tell her half of what's going on so then I also feel like she can't really diagnose me properly anyway. Ugh. Idk.
@MB95 sane is very different I do use sane myself and it doesn’t have as much involvement with mods and can take some time to build your own little community of people but it can be kind of hard to get into it when you are new there and the guidelines are a little different. It is good once you have kind of made your own space but RO is a lot easier to do that in my experience.
I have have never liked the idea of meds and also often don’t even take painkillers for a headache but meds have been very complicated for me and I haven’t really had good experiences with them. I used to take an anti depressant from about 2yrs old to maybe 10yrs old so when I was little it was kind of different cause I didn’t think about it as much. Then since I have been older I was in a situation where the choice was taken away from me and I was legally required to take meds for quite a while which was not a good experience at all and I am very sensitive to them so I often get very bad side effects and little intended effects from the meds. For me part of being scared was that I don’t fully trust the science that supposedly supports them because when you start digging there isn’t a lot of objective backing to their use and it gets complicated. I am not saying this to scare you away from them I just mean that meds are a big and scary topic there is all the stigma to deal with and then there are side effects and just the idea that taking something everyday can feel strange and burdensome BUT and this is a big but as you can see from the caps every single person responds differently to meds and you cannot know how they will be for you unless you try them and it comes down to how much you want to tolerate before trying to do something differently.
As for diagnosis I can understand that it can be scary I personally am diagnosed with a number of “scary” mental health conditions and some of them I really didn’t and still don’t even like to accept like no that can’t be it but if I am honest the description of symptoms does very much match my experiences. As far as the BPD stuff goes it is often confused with bipolar 2 so that is likely why you would be relating to both in stuff you read as they are similar, that isn’t to say you have it but I guess as a person diagnosed with both bipolar and BPD (I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type) the thing with the bpd diagnosis in particular is more because often the treatment for that is very different, for bpd the main treatment is a particular type of therapy (which I have done) and meds aren’t the main treatment vs bipolar meds are more the main treatment. So the only thing being diagnosed would do is maybe help you find a more helpful way to deal with everything. As to anyone else knowing they don’t have to if you don’t want them too. Also really they are all just labels and really when it comes down to it you are still you and you are still a valuable and important person.
Thankyou @Eden1717 & @Bre-RO ❤
I really didn't realise how much I missed and needed the support from this community. I thought I was just a waste of space and didn't deserve it, and still do, but somehow you guys always manage to really touch my heart and pull out some good in it. So thankyou. It's just so nice and helpful to be able to share things and feel so supported. I really do appreciate it. There truly is no community like it out there. I tried the helplines and for me personally they are so goddam useless and just make things so much worse. I tried the adult version of this - sane is it? And even that didn't work. They just told me they aren't a crisis support and I needed more help. But RO never seems to fail me. So thankyou ❤ It's just nice. I've been in a terrible place and am only finding some energy now to try and come out of it and just knowing you guys are there to listen means the absolute world to me. I really cannot thank you enough!!
@Eden1717 I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to put so much into your message. Reading it just really helped and it's so comforting to know you've had similar thoughts and feelings!! I guess they want me to see a psychiatrist cause I told them I don't want to be on meds. I've said it from the beginning but I trusted my psych and decided to give them a go for her. It hasn't worked though and I really want to come off them. She thinks I should try another one. I have been really against it but have decided that I'll try one more for her and then if it doesn't work that's me done with them for good. Idk, it's just not something I want to be playing around with. I don't even take nurofen at the best of times lol I just suck it up and get on with things. I guess I feel pretty guilty too cause no one knows I'm on them. Like I haven't told my family and I hate lying to them. But I know it will only upset them if I tell them. So idk, I guess since I said I will only try one more then want another opinion? Which I get. I'm just scared.
I think I'm just nervous about the whole situation to be honest. I really don't know. I've read a bit about BPD and can relate to so much of that, and then sometimes I relate to things written about bipolar. Idk. I just keep going round and round in my head not really knowing what the hell is going on. Like sometimes I just wonder if I'm making it all up and I'm just being paranoid about nothing?! I don't know. I'm just very confused about it all. I would NEVER judge or think any less of someone with mental health issues but for some reason I'm just so scared of how I'll react if I am actually diagnosed with BPD or bipolar or something. It's almost like I refuse to have it? I won't accept it as a possibility?
Thanks for sharing about what to expect with the first session, I really appreciate it! And your thoughts about getting a diagnosis. I think I agree with you that the issues are more important than the name. And maybe that's why I don't want to know? Cause the names just scare the hell out of me.
Thanks for sharing your story @Bre-RO! If you don't mind me asking, did you have to try a few different meds before finding one that worked? Or were you lucky that they just worked?
Also.. do either of you think it's possible to make the meds not work? Like I just really don't want to be on them so is it possible I'm telling myself they don't work when maybe they are? Idk.
@MB95 And @Bre-RO I struggled to start taking meds as well they just really scared me and still do, I cannot remember where I read this but apparently the meds have a better chance of working if you start them when things are not as far along like the longer you wait it makes them take longer to work, but that being said sometimes they don’t work for some people but I guess you won’t know until you try it, but I guess just try and remember to not take it personally as a failure if they don’t work straight away or if they don’t work for you. They are just one option and sadly mental health options are difficult cause there aren’t heaps of options to choose from to begin with but it isn’t a failure if you don’t get “better” right away it is just a not nice situation but it doesn’t mean you failed.
I think @Eden1717 has hit the nail on the head here @MB95 but I can also understand your worries. I really struggled to wrap my head around taking meds when it was first suggestion to me and my script sat in my bedside table draw for like 10 months before I even took them! Once I did it, I wished I had of tried it earlier but as @Eden1717 said it is different for everyone and can be a trial and error process. Something that helped me was instead of worrying about what could go wrong, I tried to think of what might go right.
Seeing a psychiatrist could be a really important step forward in journey. I know it was for me - but whatever happens, we'll all be here for you!
@MB95 it is ok I am glad I can help. Meds don’t work for everyone and not every med works for every person so it can often be a long trial and error which is probably why they are wanting you to see a psychiatrist because they can better manage that process. I can relate to not feeling like you have an illness. It is kind of weird as well with mental health because it isn’t something you can see to like confirm for yourself that it is there and real it is something that you feel and often people with mental health issues are always second guessing themselves and their feelings anyway which makes it extra hard to kind of believe for yourself. Honestly I still struggle to believe I have an illness even though people have been telling me for my whole life that I do but I still just feel like it is me not trying hard enough or it is just that I don’t share the same experience as others not that it is because of an illness but just because I am like a bad person. Even though that may not be true it still is hard to get rid of that belief.
Usually the first consult is a get to know you know you kind of thing they may tell you if they think they have a good sense of what is going on but they also may not say anything specific about diagnosis. Diagnosis is hard for a long time I really wanted a name for what was going on because I thought it would magically make something become available to help me but tbh it is more important to know what the issues you are having are and to work on them than it is getting a name. That being said a diagnosis can bring a sense of relief and validation for your experience. Idk like usually if you are there specifically for meds they will talk to you about options and maybe give you a script but it really depends.
It can be hard to accept this stuff I mean I can’t really talk if I am honest I am still not able to accept it but i am trying, I think it is hard especially when these sorts of things are stigmatized. Is there something you don’t want to be diagnosed with? Or are you just feeling more nervous in general about the uncertainty?
Thank you so much @Eden1717.
Honestly, thankyou. I know how tough you're finding things yourself and I feel terrible not being able to provide support at the moment, but I truly admire you for your strength and being able to reach out to help me. I feel so guilty I can't return the favour at the moment but I know other community members are so that makes me feel relieved. I just wanted to make sure I thanked you because I truly think you're amazing!! Being able to provide support to others when you're doing it tough yourself is so admirable! So thankyou, I REALLY appreciate you responding.
I'm not exactly sure why it's upset me but I think it's just because I assumed I'd be better by now and that I'd never actually need meds. And even then, if I did, I thought they'd work. I don't know. It's weird, I'd never in a million years judge anyone for taking meds, in fact I'd tell them how brave I think they are for doing something that is benefiting them but for some reason when it comes to myself I just hate the idea. I'm so disappointed in myself and feel like I should have dealt with this all by now. I don't know. I guess hearing my doctor confirm this is an illness etc. really hit home. I know it probably doesn't make sense but I guess I never really saw anything as being wrong with me. Even though I've been seeing my psych weekly for a year I just thought I was fine? But now I kind of feel like I'm not and this has kinda become real in a way? It's hard to explain.
I'm pretty scared about seeing one too cause I'm not sure what to expect. I know we shouldn't self diagnose and all that but just reading some things I've always wondered if maybe I do have something more serious than anxiety and depression and I'm so scared that they are going to diagnose me with something. Like I don't even know what my psychs diagnosed me with, I've only ever seen her write one thing for my extension when I first started seeing her and it was anxiety and depression. But idk if she's diagnosed me with something else cause we've never talked about it so I'm a bit scared about what the psychiatrist is going to say. Like do they tell you what they think? Or do they just give you meds and send you on your way? Idk.
@MB95 A psychiatrist doesn’t mean that the psychologist doesn’t know what to do with you usually it just means they think you would benefit from that type of support so in this case a more skilled person to figure out meds. The psychologists job is to do the therapy part and usually if someone is struggling to the point that they can’t actively participate in therapy in the way they would need to get the most out of it they will see if they can find meds to help so that the person can feel enough relief to do the therapy work that is required. To me it sounds more like your psychologist is trying to up the amount of support you have in the hopes to make their work with you more useful for you not that they don’t know what to do. I think the word psychiatrist is kind of scary though and people sometimes feel like taking meds means they failed to get better or to overcome their issues but sometimes it is just something that is part of the steps to get to where someone is meant to be. Psychiatrists and psychologists are kind of very different in their focus and what they do. For example if you broke your elbow you would go to the dr to get pain meds and to make sure it had healed enough and then go to the physio to start working on gaining strength and regaining movement. Both types of professionals are required to help fix your arm but sometimes you need to do them in a certain order and sometimes one won’t work long term without the other. But that is just my thoughts on what you have said,
Do you know why the idea of seeing a psychiatrist has upset you?
Hi guys,
I haven't been on here for a while cause I really haven't been doing well and not sure what I want to talk about would be considered safe for the community so have been keeping to myself. But if it's okay I'd really appreciate some advice from you guys cause I feel like you're the only ones that will get it as usual and actually be able to help me..
I recently put my GP and Psych in touch with eachother and they've both since recommended I see a psychiatrist. I only just found out and haven't taken it too well. I just wanted to get your opinions on them and see if anyone can share their experience with me? Idk. I just feel like I've failed big time and it's not sitting well with me. I feel like I've let my psych down and she doesn't know what to do with me anymore. I'm really scared she doesn't want to work with me anymore and she's only saying she does because she's being nice and doesn't want to upset me.
I hope you're all doing as well as you can be during these shitty times ❤
And thanks in advance ❤
@MB95 It's tough because talking about having sex for the first time is something not a lot of people do (which is why I think you're so brave to bring it up) I think as the years go on you'll be surprised how many people waited awhile to have sex but just didn't mention it because it's a little taboo. Also - you can talk about this here! It's not weird to us 🙂
Thanks @Ronan-RO.
I feel like I'm definately not normal because I'm like the only one my age that hadn't slept with anyone. But I do appreciate you guys trying to make me feel like it's okay. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get there. It's all good though. Sorry, i don't mean to talk about this. I know it's weird!
Anyway I'm okay. Not great if I'm being honest but I'll be okay. I'm not the only one struggling with things so I've just gotta get over it I knoe. People are far worse off than me atm.
Hey @MB95 ,
How brave of you to have that conversation . There is no 'normal' when it comes to having sex for the first time. People feel ready at different stages, some in their teens and some in their twenties. These are both common and absolutely normal
.
How are you going today?
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