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TW Feeling Miserable and Stuff
Edit: A list of all of our system members can be found here: https://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Everyday-life-stuff/SomeoneNADJS-System/m-p/395644/highlight/true#M35783
[R] I'm clearly not the best with thread titles. Anyway, stuff has been going on since we were last here. I can barely remember when that was since it was probably a few weeks ago. I started a new thread because the old one was getting a bit long.
Anyway, last week of school had a presentation night to end the year. Missed that because I was too dysphoric to wear the male uniform and because no one wanted to wear that. I/we missed getting two awards on the stage.
After that, we've been on holidays for a bit now, and just came back from a week-long holiday at a place our family normally goes to. Still felt miserable then, and a lot of us in our system are dealing with our own problems now, aside from the usual dysphoria and resulting misery. A, A* and I have had a bit of conflict (which is almost resolved now), D is still questioning their gender and now S has started doing that again. C seems like she might be getting a bit depressed or something. I've been miserable and wanting things to stop* and that's started getting J worried about me. Other than that, T seems to be the only one who's not going through any misery (but she has been less active than she used to be).
When I say I want things to stop, I'm sick of the dysphoria. I don't want to trans, I just wish I was cis and had the opposite body to what I had now. I had an initial appointment at an IVF clinic in which I was repeatedly misgendered (even after this person was asked to use female pronouns in front of me and our parents), barely spoke, and just dissociated because I felt absolutely awful and I probably didn't speak for like the next two hours. I just wish that we didn't have to deal with this stuff. It's making me feel worse now thinking about it, and it's still been constantly on my mind even when I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying my holidays.
Hey @SomeoneNADJS , I'm so sorry you're going through all that! It sounds like a lot to take in and handle. Getting misgendered must be so frustrating and upsetting, especially after the medical professional has already been told to use the right pronouns. I agree with @Tiny_leaf in that if you feel comfortable, you could speak up and remind them of your preferred pronoun.
Melbourne though!! Sounds great! What kind of things will you be doing there? I'm so glad that you have something that might be able to distract you even just a little bit from everything else. I understand it can get exhausting and upsetting a lot, but I hope you remember that there are lots of us here for you! Sometimes, it can really help to just think about a list of 3 to 5 things you are happy about in your life. It can prevent you from diving too deep into a rabbit hole and lift your spirits a little What are some things you're happy about or grateful for?
[R] Hi @ayrc_1904, mostly we're meeting members of our mum's family, since she's originally from Melbourne. It'll be just us and her on the trip, so our dad is staying home to look after the dogs.
Yeah, I have a habit of going into that rabbit hole a lot, and about 50% of the time when I do I talk about it to someone else in the system (although doing this is what got J to start getting worried about me again). Some things I'm happy about are being able to be part of a system, having air conditioning (it was melting hot when we arrived back here this morning), and being able to go on holidays like these. And I can't forget Christmas too! That'll be exciting.
@SomeoneNADJS Oh, that's so good!! I'm SO excited for you!
Spending time with family is always something that can calm you down, ground you and make you feel better. Sometimes, it might not be family, but just people who truly understand you and who you are! I'm glad you get to have what sounds like a fantastic holiday.
Yeaa, going down the rabbit hole is something all of us tend to do quite easily, don't we? It's easy to do and harder to get out of, but what can help is if you stop yourself beforehand. For example, notice, be aware of and maybe even write down the emotions you feel or even physical things like does your heartbeat increase a lot? Do your shoulders tense up? Do you clench your teeth without realising? These kinds of things can be signs that you need to notice what's happening and how you're feeling, stop, breathe slowly and do some self-care whether that be listening to music, going for a walk or wtv else you enjoy!
OMG THO! CHRISTMASSS! I love christmas hahahha no shame for saying I'm that annoying person who can listen to christmas songs any time of the year and look forward to the next christmas right after this year's christmas is over.
[R] @ayrc_1904 Yeah, I also get to surprise them all since only one of them knows I/we're trans. Hopefully that won't be too hard. As long as my dysphoria's not too bad, hopefully I (assuming I'm the one who does it) should be able to get through alright, but I'm not sure how likely that is.
That sounds like a good idea. Although I tend to try and ignore a lot of the physical stuff to avoid the dysphoria becoming worse than it would be. Thanks 🙂
Yeah, that's what our mum does sometimes. We have a saying, "You can never have too much Christmas!"
@SomeoneNADJS That's exciting!! You can get through it! I'm sure you'll be happier as well after telling more of them so that you can widen your support network too. I'm rooting for you!
And yes, of course. When it is more difficult to deal with the physical symptoms that may come with feeling more negative emotions, put your focus on your emotions and wellbeing. I'm sure you will be able to manage your dysphoria better and better over time and with the support of those around you!
HAHA I already love your mum. She sounds so lovely. YUP i completely agree. You can never have too much Christmas
Let me know how everything goes in Melbourne!
[R] @ayrc_1904 I hope so. I wrote in my last thread about regretting not telling a friend of mine who's also trans, so I'm probably going to talk to her and a few other friends these holidays.
Well, that happens with negative emotions, but I just do that most of the time now. Hopefully dysphoria management will get better, since the dysphoria itself has gotten progressively worse throughout this year.
I think it's likely one or more of us will be on here once we're in Melbourne, so we'll let you know how everything goes 🙂
Has anything been helping with dysphoria management so far?
[R] Hi @Taylor-RO. Yeah, we do. Also just organised to see a trans friend of mine this morning (as in, that's when it was organised, not when I/we will be seeing them).
Dysphoria has been lower than it used to be, but it's still a pain. Other than trying to distract myself, ignoring our body, or having someone else switch in (as they're usually too focused on staying switched in and making sure I don't take over), I'm not sure what else I can do at the moment.
[R] Feeling crap again. Partially over gender dysphoria, but partially over switching with A. She ended up switched in for quite a while today by accident. What she meant to do was switch in for the “Type the Username Above You with Your Elbow” game and let me switch back in, but she ended up having difficulty letting me take back control and eventually stayed switched in for about another hour or two I’m guessing (which included her working on one of my games for a bit, as well as going on a shopping trip with our mum).
Switching is still very confusing to wrap my head around (although I guess that specific phrase might not be 100% accurate because I’m in a system). I don’t know how to explain how, but part of it just seems messy to comprehend.
[A] Just wanted to add to what R said. I kind of enjoyed it, but in the end I couldn’t ignore the dysphoria and she switched back in without either of us meaning to. I’m guessing R isn’t used to being switched out for long periods of time, so it probably feels weirder for her than it does for me. I still feel like she’s kind of still awake, or that it’s her pretending to be me, but it isn’t, which is confusing. To sum up, brains are really weird.
[R] I wasn’t tired before we started writing this, but now I am and I think A’s inactive again already, so I’m going to go to sleep.
Hi @SomeoneNADJS, thank you for sharing that with everyone here. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling crap again. How are you feeling after having some rest? Other than being tired and confused, are there any other emotions that arose for you due to switching? Is there a term that you feel is more accurate than 'switching', so that we can refer to it appropriately and respectfully?
[R] @Taylor-RO Things didn't go too well last night and I was up until after 2am. Just dysphoria. I slept until around 12pm, so I've only been up for a few hours.
The tiredness was from being up late, and the confusion was from switching. I was kind of relieved when I switched back in, but I'm finding it a bit annoying that someone can wake up (not necessarily to switch in), and they can switch in and stay there for minutes to hours. I can still remember everything that happened, but just the experience of switching itself is weird.
We're fine with "switching", although I read something a while ago about a system that didn't like it because it implied it was "one person switching between personalities", but the context we've always seen it in was just switching who is in control of our body (although the way we define it also has to do with the previous controller assuming a similar position to those who aren't switched in).
Hi R,
It has been a while since we have spoken, and I have just been reading over some of yours and A's most recent posts. Thanks for describing what the term switching means for you, we are happy to take your lead
It sounds like you have been stepping back a bit and letting A step up and switch in. I know that this is something we have spoken about a while back, but I'm also hearing switching is really exhausting for you. Is it something that you all find exhausting?
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling to sleep with the dysphoria @Tiny_leaf spoke about plans for managing the dysphoria. Is this something you would all be interested in brainstorming with our community?
[R] @Jess1-RO It has been a while. A and I agreed we wanted her to be able to take a role closer to mine in terms of body control, but I don't think either of us were expecting this to happen so quickly.
[D] Hi, I'm up now. R wrote the above paragraph a few days ago but she didn't finish writing her post. Switching can be a bit tiring in my experience, but I think R was talking about it being confusing because she didn't know how she and A were switching when neither of them intended it to happen.
I'm waiting for a KHL counsellor as I'm writing this. We are interested in brainstorming this, but I don't have any ideas at the moment. Speaking of struggling with sleep, since R was having trouble anyway, she's been up in the early hours of the morning a few nights in a row to finish a Christmas game she was making (but we can't publish it yet because we're still waiting for our engine subscription to be renewed). She collapsed in her bed a few hours ago, and now I've switched in for our Kids Helpline counsellor.
Christmas went well. A few family members who know R is trans came over and they had a great time. I'm not sure if she said anything, but we're also trialling a new name at the moment. I have been thinking lately that maybe I could be genderfluid. It's just an idea, I'm still figuring a lot of things out for myself.
@SomeoneNADJSI am pleased to hear that Christmas went well for you. How did you go with your counsellor? I hope you were able to start brainstorming some of your ideas and discuss your thoughts about being genderfluid. You talked a bit about widening your support network as well. How are you going with that?
[R] @TOM-RO Hi. I haven’t spoken much with D since they posted last, so I’ll wake them up in a bit. I can answer for the support network thing. I mentioned a trans friend of mine I nicknamed Genevieve who I’m coming out to tomorrow.
One thing we’ve noticed since other members have switched in that I can’t remember what happened very clearly, but I know basically what happened. I know D got into a bit of a complex conversation with our counsellor and it ended up being quite difficult for D to talk about it. Mostly because they thought that they weren’t comfortable with the idea of being genderfluid and got dysphoric over thinking about defining themself in relation to gendered norms.
[D] I’m up now. What R said is right, but I don’t really feel comfortable about gendered social norms. I tried to talk about the more subjective parts of gender identity without getting into social norms, but it was hard when our counsellor kept bringing them up. He was talking about taking pieces of the social roles and using them to get a better understanding of myself, but since we were sleep deprived because of R, I just found the conversation hard to comprehend and I got really tired eventually (I was alright for a bit when I switched in, but the body being tired caught up to me. I kinda don’t want to think about it right now.
He also brought up biology for a bit as well, which is hard for me because I want what the rest of my system wants (our body to be female), but I don’t feel like I am female necessarily.
I feel like it’s hard to think about being genderfluid without bringing social norms into it. I remember @Tiny_leaf mentioning they were genderfluid. Could you explain what that’s like for you?
[R] D’s not feeling too great, and I’m kind of the same, but I don’t think I’m feeling as bad as they are. Our mum and I were going to dinner with a few family members, but I was feeling dysphoric when we were on our way, and we were most of the way there I think when our mum got I text that I read (since she was driving), that said our aunty’s ex-husband was coming. It was then our mum turned around and brought me home, because he’s apparently said to another family member I’m close to a bunch of transphobic shit about me (by the way, might I add I haven’t seen him in about the last two years, and barely knew him anyway). On top of him also getting divorced recently, being verbally abusive (as I’ve been told, but I don’t know much about that), and being creepy, neither our mum or I wanted me to deal with him saying anything transphobic.
@SomeoneNADJS Hi D (I have been summoned )
Yeah gender's just... weird. And biology's equally weird. And when people confuse the two the whole thing turns into a big mess.
Hmm.. well being genderfluid can work a little differently for everyone.
I've heard of one person who would switch between binary male and female, with no in between.
I'm possibly as far as you can get from that while still being genderfluid.
For me, I'd describe it as my gender "wandering" around a central point (which is a non-binary gender and thus has no name, just to make things more confusing for my poor brain as it tries to figure out what I am. Let's call it gender x for now because I personally think that sounds kinda cool)
I'm never male, female or agender. But I can be almost anything in between at different times.
I think atm I'm on the slightly masculine side of gender x, which is one of the more unusual ones for me.
Idk, it's like my gender "lives" in x, but often goes for walks towards the other genders.
Basically, if you ask me to describe my gender in detail, my answer will vary, but you might notice a bit of a pattern. (which is really my entire questioning process summed up)
My attitudes to normal social gender roles is to politely ask them to f off normally though, regardless of my gender at the time.
And oh my gosh I'm glad you all got to avoid that guy. I had an interaction with a transphobic dude recently and it went absolutely not brilliant, can't recommend it at all..
[D] @Tiny_leaf I like that idea of a “gender x” as a starting point. I kind of feel that something similar to that might suit me.
One question I forgot that our counsellor asked me is why even go into this gender stuff, but I still want to because I want to have an answer for that. Other than not wanting to leave it entirely ambiguous, I guess I just want to be able to have an answer for myself.
Yeah, R would not have had a good time with him. She’s only known him as the creepy rebound husband who lives in the garage, so I think regardless of whether he was transphobic or not, none of us would want to have dinner with him.
Edit: By “gender x” is that something like a maverique gender?
@SomeoneNADJS eww... definitely don't blame her for not wanting to spend time with him..
I know what you mean, I hate leaving things ambiguous as well.
It can be weird to have such a big part of your identity left unacknowledged as well....
[R] I’m here with Genevieve. She doesn’t know I’m on here. I’ve been here for a few hours now and I’m struggling to find the courage to speak up. This is terrifying.
@SomeoneNADJS on a slightly more practical note, do you think some breathing exercises might help you keep calm?
[R] @Tiny_leaf I did it!!!!!!!! She’s really supportive and happy for me/us. Only took me about 14 hours since I got here (I’m on a sleepover), one pep talk from A, and a phone to write a note on and conveniently place in Genevieve’s view.
I have tried breathing a bit slowly, but earlier I was worried about bursting into tears. I’m fine though, that didn’t happen.
I should probably get D up to reply to one of your other posts.